for lack of affordable AT-informed therapists where i am
I commented a few days ago somewhere that I'd started therapy and medication. I have since improved by leaps and bounds. However, (is this the avoidant perfectionism kicking in?) it's ... not exactly what I hoped for, at least not yet.
See, I have a feeling that my therapist isn't AT informed. I mentioned being a fearful avoidant a few times and she didn't say anything on it. I'm not going to be surprised if she regards it as a lightweight theory, as education in this corner of the world tends to be hilariously outdated and traditional (heck, people still think mental health issues can be prayed away and still openly bash avoidants). I'm not going to be surprised, but I will be hurt because looking into AT is what started me on my healing journey.
We're currently focusing on my struggles with PMDD. I greatly appreciate that I can spot patterns and have healthy guesses to what my hormones are up to on a given day, but there's a part of me that's whining to move on to the attachment issues and the generational trauma and the dissection of childhood shenanigans that made me clam up and dislike people.
Doesn't help that due to budget constraints, we only talk once a month. Maybe (omg ew is this my anxious side coming out? lol) I'm being impatient. We've only met four times so far.
Can I switch therapists? I doubt. Again, it's only been four sessions, so it feels too early to give up and shift. But I don't really see mental health professionals here putting AT as a specialization of theirs, either. And the one doc that I know does specialize in AT? She's probably being swamped because someone recommended her on a thread somewhere. Sighhhh.
Can I at least vent to friends? I don't want to dump on my SO, my soul sister has depression, my mentor figures are busy, my AP friend and my family are out of the question, and most of my other friends ... nah. I mean, my SO has said that it's okay for me to tell him things, and I've bookmarked and re-re-rewatched Heidi Priebe's video on "how to not emotionally dump," but it just feels un-okay in my bones. (I may look into this hmmm)
I could journal, yeah ... I'm just not so consistent about it because I really run out of energy at times. Or I'm too busy numbing myself doomscrolling trolololol
And so ... it pains me to admit to AI usage, but I've been firing prompts at Gemini as a supplement. I have heard of those cases of people jumping off the deep end because of overusing AI, and I do know that AI isn't exactly environmentally-friendly, and aaaaargh. :(