r/AskDad

I haven't talked to my dad in about six months, which is uncommon but not odd - he's fiercely independent, can't be told what to do, won't accept help (can I get you groceries? Stop by for anything?) and even had been caring for his neighbor/girlfriend with living assistance for years. He seemed spry and insisted all was good. I didn't want to infantilize him, especially after he recovered so awesomely after his stroke.

Fast forward to the day before yesterday. He called asking if I could get him some herbal supplements and says he's going to have his brother (local) bring some milk because he hasn't been able to get to the store for groceries - he's been too busy. Complains a little about numbness and not getting any sleep. We make him and his girlfriend some meals, grab some groceries, and tell him we're coming the following morning.

"I hate to put you out," he says. "It's been a while, dad, I'm glad to come by."

Yesterday, as soon as we saw him we realized groceries weren't going to cut it. I took him to urgent care immediately with swollen feet, blisters, open sores, and my spouse stayed behind with his girlfriend. The hospital found nothing immediately concerning so after they discharged him we spent the entire day helping them go to the bathroom (both of them can no longer stand without assistance), cook for them, then put them both to bed, and in between all this we cleaned my dad's apartment, which had become... unlivable.

I want to approach this with tact but assertively. My dad can't do these things on his own anymore but I don't want to jump to conclusions about anything until I know what steps to take (VA in home care? Something else?) and I am his only child. His girlfriend has children and some other relatives, but I really want to carefully let her know that something needs to be done because my dad can't take care of her anymore. I don't even know how they were doing anything before...

I'm his health proxy and I am lost in the weeds. Dads of Reddit, because there's only so much I can ask my own dad right now... please help. Thank you!

I need a suit about a month from now, and in general need a suit more often, so I'm looking to buy. I am going to a Men's Wearhouse on Wednesday morning.

I'm generally fashion-averse and formal wear freaks me out, but I care about looking good for the events I have coming up, as a show of respect. I struggle with autism and new social situations and unexpected touch are really hard for me... But I find that if I have some notice ahead of time, I can regulate much better.

Can you help walk me through what I should expect? Who will I talk to? Where would people touch when measuring me? Will there be bright lights, music playing, or a lot of people who would look at me? I don't have any formal wear at all - not even a dress shirt, an undershirt, or nice shoes or socks. I'm embarrassed about this. I have no idea what colors I like - will someone suggest some, or do I need to figure that out ahead of time?

At the end of the day, I want to give these people my money to help me look nice. I'm really nervous for this and I'm worried I'll get overwhelmed. Can you help me out?

What do I look for in a car to make sure I'm not getting ripped off

How much time should I expect my husband to spend with our nine month old (he doesn’t see him on week days due to work).

Just curious what percentage of the time of which he’s home should is a fair expectation of him to spend time with our son out of just the weekends that he sees him.

I don't know the next steps I should take. This is my first house, and mold is so stressful (especially with the kids, I don't want them exposed to that). It looks like the entire bathroom vent got moldy including the wood all around the pipe that goes up into the roof (?) and the part that actually attaches to the vent, and then random little splotches of wet moldy areas throughout the ceiling in there.

Do take this up with the inspector? Do I have to find my own contractor to fix it? Do I contact insurance? How do I go about this?

I feel so guilty. I want to make it a good apology. How do dads want to be apologized to?

My dad is someone who is tough and macho but secretly super sensitive and sweet. He likes being hugged and having someone to talk to, but I hug him all the time and we call everyday so cuddling and talking doesn't seem like a good apology. Just more of the same.

We don't live together and I probably won't see him in person for another week (differing schedules), but I don't want to let the wound I inflicted on him fester by not saying anything. Is calling okay? I can't let him be hurt like this.

It's a REALLY shitty apartment building (HUD apartments for low income people) and the maintenance people continue to disappoint us more and more.

My mom is clueless so I'm asking here. We've already asked them to come out and clean it and they said it's clean (Bullshit. We moved in almost a year ago and the apartment was filthy, no way they cleaned it back then)

I'm wondering if it's possible to clean the vent through the hookup that attaches directly to the dryer? It's a big effort to move the dryer and this sub doesn't allow pics, so... If needed, I will get back there and post pics to imgur. Or is it a better idea to keep complaining until they do something?

Hi dad! I want to improve my lawn a bit but I’ve never used pesticides/fertilizers and I don’t want to start. My plan is to pull weeds daily, buy an aerator and apply compost. I also read I should keep my lawn at least to 3 inches. Does that sound good or is there anything else you think would help?

34 y/o male living in the US in a HCOL area. My wife is expecting to give birth in a matter of months to twins. Unclear yet of gender.

love kids and think they're awesome. But for many years, due to my own tough relationship with my Dad, I did not want kids because I was afraid I would perpetuate the same cycle of fighting and anger. I also convinced myself I would never get married since nobody seemed to like me. I was in a depressed spot for much of my mid-late twenties.

However after meeting my wife around 30 and thinking deeply, I decided she was someone I could have a family with. She always wanted kids and is a very maternal figure.

I used to think there would be some magical realization of when I could have a kid, like having the right amount of money or the right house. But let's face it, we've had to really reset our expectations as millenials. There is never going to be a good time to have a kid. I also have a better career now and am on a better long term trajectory. However, this initial hesitation about procreating for a number of years still follows me, and I hope I am making the right decision. I know that sounds crazy while I'm in the middle of pregnancy. Like, what the hell am I getting myself into?

Here's what I'm still worried about:

1. First and foremost, how the hell am I going to do this? I get so anxious thinking where will we live long term (we just rent right now), how are we going to pay for this or that, are they going to suck all the energy from me that my career collapses and my physical/mental health irreversibly goes in the gutter?
2. I really enjoy hobbies (playing sports, getting outdoors) and I know that will take a backseat for a while. But I'm super worried this will irreversibly take away my hobbies and cool stuff I like to do. Will I lose everything and end up hating and resenting my new life?
3. Am I going to be a good Dad and love my kids? So many Dads say something in them just clicks but I am so worried it won't happen for me.
4. Finances and the state of the world- both my wife and I have stable careers. However I really think this is an absolutely INSANE time to have a kid. Childcare costs are through the roof, and we don't live in the same type of communities anymore that share the responsibilities of raising children i.e. the village. My in laws live a few hours away and while I'm sure they can help a bit in the early stages I don't envision it being a long term arrangement. They are old and need to look after themselves. My wife has very generous maternity leave and can go back part time, and we can still make ends meet with a nanny a couple of days a week, and pay way less than sending them both to daycare in the HCOL are we are in. THANK GOD.
5. How the hell are we going to do this in a low-trust society where so many people are AGAINST the idea of having family. Seems like kids are no longer riding their bikes around unsupervised. I think we live in a very anti-natalist society in a lot of ways

Someone please help me dudes.

I’ve never built anything really but I wanna make a bed platform in my car for car camping. I got it all planned out, it’s nothing crazy. But I’m discovering there are a lot of thicknesses and types of plywood and they are widely different prices.

The one I’m looking at online says it 3/8” which sounds super thin. But the thicker ones are double the price and I’m cheap. I don’t know anything about the strength of plywood and google doesn’t help much.

I’m a really small guy (5’5 and skinny) i could probably sleep on a bed made of eggshells and not crack them. But if it’s really advisable to go with the thicker stuff my wallet could be convinced. I wanna make the bed platform in 3 sections with hinges so i can accordion fold it away when im not using it, so the less extra support I have to put it the better.

Thanks dad

My car has been a nightmare for years because of my golden retriever so the hair gets everywhere. the air vents were the worst, its like the hair weaves itself in there. tried everything. sticking vacuum nozzles where they dont fit, buying weird brushes. looked gross no matter what.my brother always gets me weird gadgets for my birthday. if you ever look up cool tools for gifts finding something with a reverse blower is the real cheat code. this year he got me a small hoto autocare vacuum. I was about to throw it in a drawer but decided to try the blower function on the vents. I just blasted all the dog hair and dust out of the vents first. it all landed on the floor mats where i could actually get to it. car is finally not disgusting. seriously, blowing it out first is the only way that works.

My parents were together until I was 6/7 ( 6/7 haha, sorry couldn't help myself:) ). They had a pretty normal relationship, they loved each other, they had their ups and downs, slowly grew apart and my mother initiated the divorce. There was no abuse of any kind in their relationship, and I have never been spanked, experienced neglect or other forms of abuse.

When they divorced my dad got mentally ill (he does not have a personality disorder) and tried to unalive her. She luckily survived and he was in a psychiatric prison for one year.

When he got out I spend every other weekend with him. He had his own place, he still had a good job. We had fun together and he always spoiled me. But then when I was around 12 he sometimes went out in the night to go to the club, I remember once or twice he brought home a one night stand. I didn’t see her, she left in the morning, but I heard her. He only had me every other weekend, meaning he had like two free weekends per month with no children and he still couldn‘t stay.

Now I am in my late 20s, I have two children of my own. I see him once in a while when I visit my hometown (we live 1½ hours apart by train), he also comes to visit me maybe 1-2 times per year. We talk on the phone, it is mostly me who initiate calling or texting, if I then haven't called him almost two weeks maybe he will call and say it has been long time since he hear from me last.

He gives me a lot of gift or money for christmas or my birthday, and the kids for their birthday. Last year he also gave me 2700 euro for my savings.

There has been times we haven't talked for periods some years ago (maybe it was 7-8 years ago), he was very dissapointed in me when I become a young mom and told me he was embarassed of me and one day yelled at me "I hope you die of cancer" when we hadn't seen each other for some months. This hasn't repeated since.

Now that I got my bachelor degree in nursing, got good grades, worked and doing my master's now etc. he says he is proud of me. He is good with practical advice. But he is always so critical of me and it stresses me out. He always ask into my finances, tells me that I don't need to pay things on credit, ask about my taxes, my pension and savings, ask me how much my kids visits their dad, etc. I keep major things from him sometimes because I know he can’t accept me.

Now what really made me think about everything was my birthday last week. He said he wanted to visit me, he didn't tell me the time or put an exact plan if he was coming or not until a few days before and he told me he could only stay two hours because he had work the next day. When he came he was surprised my daughter was at the school (it was a weekday 11h00) and that my son was with his dad. So he left after spending 20 minutes at my house because the kids weren't there to go out to eat lunch together, asking me why I hadn't cleaned my sink and telling me four times that it is important I clean fruit before eating it because he had bought groceries for me. The week before I had learned he is often in my city now because he is going out with a woman who lives her, so I felt extra let down that he has time to visit her and be here friday to sunday but not to see me. The weekend before he had been at a spa hotel with her friday to sunday and another weekend he had been her as well. He had not even let me know, not even to go for a 30 minute walk or grab something to drink with me.

I was crying like a child once he left and I felt like a child and not like a grown woman. I started to truly realise how it has affected my relationships. I also feel like I had three different dad. The ‘normal’ dad when I was a child, the sick dad and the emotionally distant dad.

Sorry about my English, it isn't my first language and I am a bit emotional. I hope it is readable.