My dad stayed 20 minutes for my birthday
My parents were together until I was 6/7 ( 6/7 haha, sorry couldn't help myself:) ). They had a pretty normal relationship, they loved each other, they had their ups and downs, slowly grew apart and my mother initiated the divorce. There was no abuse of any kind in their relationship, and I have never been spanked, experienced neglect or other forms of abuse.
When they divorced my dad got mentally ill (he does not have a personality disorder) and tried to unalive her. She luckily survived and he was in a psychiatric prison for one year.
When he got out I spend every other weekend with him. He had his own place, he still had a good job. We had fun together and he always spoiled me. But then when I was around 12 he sometimes went out in the night to go to the club, I remember once or twice he brought home a one night stand. I didn’t see her, she left in the morning, but I heard her. He only had me every other weekend, meaning he had like two free weekends per month with no children and he still couldn‘t stay.
Now I am in my late 20s, I have two children of my own. I see him once in a while when I visit my hometown (we live 1½ hours apart by train), he also comes to visit me maybe 1-2 times per year. We talk on the phone, it is mostly me who initiate calling or texting, if I then haven't called him almost two weeks maybe he will call and say it has been long time since he hear from me last.
He gives me a lot of gift or money for christmas or my birthday, and the kids for their birthday. Last year he also gave me 2700 euro for my savings.
There has been times we haven't talked for periods some years ago (maybe it was 7-8 years ago), he was very dissapointed in me when I become a young mom and told me he was embarassed of me and one day yelled at me "I hope you die of cancer" when we hadn't seen each other for some months. This hasn't repeated since.
Now that I got my bachelor degree in nursing, got good grades, worked and doing my master's now etc. he says he is proud of me. He is good with practical advice. But he is always so critical of me and it stresses me out. He always ask into my finances, tells me that I don't need to pay things on credit, ask about my taxes, my pension and savings, ask me how much my kids visits their dad, etc. I keep major things from him sometimes because I know he can’t accept me.
Now what really made me think about everything was my birthday last week. He said he wanted to visit me, he didn't tell me the time or put an exact plan if he was coming or not until a few days before and he told me he could only stay two hours because he had work the next day. When he came he was surprised my daughter was at the school (it was a weekday 11h00) and that my son was with his dad. So he left after spending 20 minutes at my house because the kids weren't there to go out to eat lunch together, asking me why I hadn't cleaned my sink and telling me four times that it is important I clean fruit before eating it because he had bought groceries for me. The week before I had learned he is often in my city now because he is going out with a woman who lives her, so I felt extra let down that he has time to visit her and be here friday to sunday but not to see me. The weekend before he had been at a spa hotel with her friday to sunday and another weekend he had been her as well. He had not even let me know, not even to go for a 30 minute walk or grab something to drink with me.
I was crying like a child once he left and I felt like a child and not like a grown woman. I started to truly realise how it has affected my relationships. I also feel like I had three different dad. The ‘normal’ dad when I was a child, the sick dad and the emotionally distant dad.
Sorry about my English, it isn't my first language and I am a bit emotional. I hope it is readable.