I'm concerned my dad can no longer live independently but I don't want to take his autonomy - he's 85, sharp as a tack, but I found out yesterday he can no longer cook, go to the restroom, or bathe by himself. I'm seeing my dad today and I am lost about what to do. Other dads, please help!
I haven't talked to my dad in about six months, which is uncommon but not odd - he's fiercely independent, can't be told what to do, won't accept help (can I get you groceries? Stop by for anything?) and even had been caring for his neighbor/girlfriend with living assistance for years. He seemed spry and insisted all was good. I didn't want to infantilize him, especially after he recovered so awesomely after his stroke.
Fast forward to the day before yesterday. He called asking if I could get him some herbal supplements and says he's going to have his brother (local) bring some milk because he hasn't been able to get to the store for groceries - he's been too busy. Complains a little about numbness and not getting any sleep. We make him and his girlfriend some meals, grab some groceries, and tell him we're coming the following morning.
"I hate to put you out," he says. "It's been a while, dad, I'm glad to come by."
Yesterday, as soon as we saw him we realized groceries weren't going to cut it. I took him to urgent care immediately with swollen feet, blisters, open sores, and my spouse stayed behind with his girlfriend. The hospital found nothing immediately concerning so after they discharged him we spent the entire day helping them go to the bathroom (both of them can no longer stand without assistance), cook for them, then put them both to bed, and in between all this we cleaned my dad's apartment, which had become... unlivable.
I want to approach this with tact but assertively. My dad can't do these things on his own anymore but I don't want to jump to conclusions about anything until I know what steps to take (VA in home care? Something else?) and I am his only child. His girlfriend has children and some other relatives, but I really want to carefully let her know that something needs to be done because my dad can't take care of her anymore. I don't even know how they were doing anything before...
I'm his health proxy and I am lost in the weeds. Dads of Reddit, because there's only so much I can ask my own dad right now... please help. Thank you!