Heart broken
I lost my Dad yesterday to alcohol addiction. His liver finally gave up and so did his kidneys. I'm crying all the time, only time I'm not is when I'm keeping myself busy. But then it hits again and again. Harder than the last. I loved my Dad unconditionally no matter his demons or addiction. That man will forever be my hero. I wasn't ready to lose him at 37 him just turned 60. I haven't slept since Monday night. Does it really get easier with time? All i keep saying to my partner I'm still a child that needs her Dad. I want him back. When I say I feel broken every part of me hurts. I was so close to offering a kidney knowing full well even this wouldn't help him either. I'd give half of everything inside me to hug him, speak to him, laugh and joke with him again. I'm in hell and it's only been under 24 hours. Just typing this and thinking of him I'm a emotional wreck.
Yesterday in the hospital all he kept saying don't listen to what the Dr's are saying I'm fine etc you know all the same stuff being said on the 1st 2nd hospital by ambulance administration. The third time was his last time. Why don't they stop drinking? Why don't they think of who they hurt by leaving behind people who adore them? I wanted old parents. Mentally this has ruined me. Ive lost loved ones before but the pain doesn't come close to a parent. My father was a constant part of my life for 37 years. Was he perfect outside being a father? No. It hurts so much. I don't want to close my eyes and see the last image of him laying there, yellow bloated etc. It kills me so so much knowing that is my last ever warmth image of my father. The haunt and taurment you can't even measure.