u/Mandarin_Lumpy_Nutz

I heard bags and things being messed with outside my room, I asked my husband if he had been moving around the house, but he hadn’t been. I was too scared to see if it’s a person but I’m pretty sure it’s just me hallucinating. I don’t have cats or dogs that could have made the noise.

I did anyways. I told my psych that I struggle to take them because I’m afraid they’ll kill me plus I feel I don’t need them. I told him I likely get that from my mother. She was very paranoid about meds and doctors. I don’t know why it feels so wrong to take them. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I’m going to see a new psych either this month or next. I have a current diagnosis of schizoaffective, ADHD, BPD, and OCD.

The reason I was diagnosed schizoaffective by my last psych is because I told them about having a court ordered psych eval that diagnosed me with both Schizoaffective and StPD. My psych decided I fit the criteria of schizoaffective better. However, I disagree. I’m starting to feel like StPD fits better, especially since I have insight into what little psychosis I do experience. Plus I deal with magical thinking, social anxiety and paranoia (I only have a husband, no friends, no other family), vague speech, flat affect,etc. I feel I fit the criteria. But I also don’t want the psych to think I’m fishing for a diagnosis. I am, however, fishing for the correct diagnosis.

And then I close my eyes and I’m afraid to open them because then I’m afraid I’ll somehow “wake up” in that other reality. Away from my husband and kids. They’re calling my name to get me to join them. But I don’t want to.

F(27) Weight: 306lbs Height: 5’3. Diagnosis’s: ADHD, BPD, Schizoaffective Bipolar type, OCD, BED. I likely have a SUD as well. Meds:Abilify, Cymbalta, LaMICtal, Propranolol, Naltrexone.

I’ve always felt something was deeply wrong. With me. My mind. I’ve never really felt “good” except in short intense bursts. My emotions both felt (and still do) both foreign and too intense for me. Sometimes I’d be like a robot. Other times Id be overcome with emotion and break down. Go into crisis mode essentially. I started self harming at age 4 at the very least from what I can remember. I won’t say how as to not give people ideas.

I’ve felt deeply alone and unloved. Disliked. Sometimes I felt invisible. Like nothing. Nobody noticed me. And I didn’t want people to take notice me. But also, I did want somebody to notice me. Mostly my parents.

in addition to that, I’ve felt like I just don’t understand people. I don’t understand social behaviors like greetings, or goodbyes. I don’t see the point in saying thank you. Bless you. I still do because my mother instilled it in my head to do so. Dancing is weird to me. It looks hilarious. Even if “well choreographed”. Other people Showing emotions is weird to me. Like crying. Or jumping up and down when happy. Screaming when scared or excited. It feels like nobody is in control of their emotions. ((I say that like I don’t use every maladaptive coping mechanism there ). I’m the only contained one. I’ve been told I have flat affect or that I am emotionless. I don’t feel depressed however.

Also, I’ve always had dark desires. I’ve always fantasized about offing others. I feel what I can only describe as bloodlust when I think about it. Strangely though, I love animals and couldn’t imagine hurting them. But people, I feel so apart from them. And I feel they all hate me anyways. I know it is considered wrong by society and I’d rather not be in jail, so I have no plans on doing it. But it’s nice to think about.

Additionally, I feel unloved. Deep down, I just want somebody to love me. I don’t feel loved by anyone. I’m inherently unlovable honestly.

I’m always wary of others. Always seen them as threats. People have always given me looks and talked about me behind my back.

From what I can tell, I started having OCD symptoms and psychosis from such a young age.

I’m not asking for a diagnosis. Im just curious if mental illness can develop so early. 4 years old is rather young. What mental health disorders can develop at such an early age?

I was walking by the kitchen and in the corner of my eye I saw what looked to be a humanoid creature hunched over, bones sticking out of its back. When I turned to look at it directly, it was just a pair of pants hanging on the banister. 😩

Rushing relationships

I find when I get into a new relationship, whether friendship or romantic, I rush to get as close as possible. I trauma dump, share everything, feel I need all their attention (and if I don’t get that attention, I end up wanting to SH or have suicidal ideation), I’ll rush physical intimacy as well. I get attached so quick. But then, that pushes them away which then in turn makes me think they don’t love me or if they leave for whatever reason, I tell myself “I knew it, they didn’t actually care about me. I don’t need them.” but deep down I want to claw my eyes out because all I want is to be loved. Why can’t I just find an obsessive genuine love?

I’ve been diagnosed with BPD by a psych nurse practitioner, by therapists, and my last psychiatrist kept writing in our session notes that he believed I had BPD but didn’t officially diagnose me with it. I believe if I had stayed with him a little longer he would have diagnosed me with it. My current psych says I definitely have features of a personality disorder but he hasn’t seen me long enough to make an informed decision. I was also recently diagnosed with BPD after a stay in the psych ward.

I struggle to believe I have it. But I also can’t deny that I fit the criteria. How do you go about accepting this diagnosis?

Whenever I tell therapists that I talk to a celebrity all day in my head, they immediately assume dissociation and even DID (there are other things that I do that made them think DID). It even led me to be diagnosed with an unspecified dissociative disorder while in the hospital one time. I don’t believe I’m talking to a real celebrity. I know they are separate from the actual celebrity. But they still take on the look and persona. They try to take care of me by telling me to take my meds, eat, sleep, get out of bed, etc. But from what I can tell, he has never “taken” over my body.

The title. Essentially I’d talk to a celebrity in my head all day which led a psych nurse practitioner and various therapists suggest I have dissociative disorder, more specifically, DID. The celebrity felt they had their own autonomy and would even ask me to change what was on the TV if they didn’t like what was playing. But he was kind, encouraged me to shower, take my meds,eat, sleep, get out of bed, etc.

Taking Abilify and now Naltrexone, this presence in my mind has basically disappeared. The only time he comes back is when I’m high on weed. I looked it up and apparently these two meds I’m on decreases dissociation?