r/Schizotypal

I'm curious as to how many of us have ever had a driver's license. There are two reasons I wonder. One is that when I was getting EMDR therapy for PTSD, it turned out that the way my eyes track is different. I looked into it, and it turns out to be common among people with schizophrenia and first degree relatives. I wonder if this affects our ability to judge time and distance, or if we're missing things when we scan.

The second reason is because I had a driver's license in the rural US, where standards were much laxer, but I could say honestly that I wasn't a great driver. Then, when I got to the Netherlands where everything is so much busier on the road, I took lessons and kept having trouble with the scanning part. It was frustrating, and I eventually did give up, but it made me ask how many of us can drive at all, and why or why not?

So...I was struggling with depression, alienation, derealisation and similar things all my life, but I was very "internal" about it, so nobody really noticed (except my mother. most people assumed i'm just weird and a spaced out loner) But as a female i got through by "being quirky", and i'm really very independent and overall just "roach" my way through life. I have no ambition or goals, but I can't even bother to care much about that.

Admittedly the depression got me a few times really bad, but I made it out myself every time so far. And with 28 I got an Asperger Diagnosis (that is also 10 years ago already) because I wanted to know "what's up with me". And at the time, autism was the only "weird" thing I knew about and I went to a specialist directly, sadly not the best one it seems. The diagnosis didn't seem very furrow (done in one 1:1 talk and a few small cognitive tests) - and I did question it quite early on. After having to interact with some autistic people I realise i'm not much like them at all, even though I can understand their thought-pattern and direct way of speaking very well. But i don't have sensory issues, or melt-downs (just maybe light psychosis) and i think that negates an autism diagnosis quite directly.

But I didn't care that much till now, at least I had "something" to hold onto. And also an excuse to hand out to me coworkers to leave me alone. (People are much nicer to people with autism then to people with personality disorders. It is like that and we all know it. And i have no problem using that hypocracy for myself to get through the day...)

Much later (4 years ago or so) I found out about the Cluster A disorders and it seems either StPD or SzPD fit my patterns much better (I always had a rather fragile sense of reality, but i know i don't have schizophrenia, since my aunt has it and so i know what that looks like).
At least i relate to some of the diagnostic criteria (of both SzPD and StPD), not always to personal stories in forums and such (even though i think that's because not everybody claiming to have SzPD or StPD is actually having it. Not that I can say what i have or not have either, but i'm aware of the self-diagnosis thing going on online. And it's a bit confusing ngl)

Whatever, the thing is. I keep questioning. And I would REALLY like to stop having to wonder about that, because it's annoying as fuck. I kinda care, but also don't really? It doesn't really change anything about myself at the end of the day. And I don't know if that's enough to pay for another diagnosis. (At least I found a diagnostic center looking at multiple disorders and possibilities at once and actually being up to date, it seems. but it's like 800€ without a referral - that i will not bother to get.)

So I don't want therapy. I am not fine, but I don't want anybody to snoop in here either - i'm good being alone. I just would like to know what's up. I think it would be helpful that I can at least stop circling around the topic all the time (I think that has a lot to do with my identity issues and low sense of self). I reread the diagnostic criteria every few months, repeat doing the self-assessment tests... and while i always get high scores on those, I always just left it at that only to come back to it a few weeks later.
And i would like to let that behaviour go finally (it's been YEARS), even if it just tells me I have nothing and just need to pull myself together or whatever.

So yeah...just wondering if that's enough to warrant paying for a diagnosis?
I would like to know other peoples thoughts and or maybe experiences related to this?
Thanks in advance and sorry for the rambling text...

Does anyone else experience a cognitive impairment? I'm learning this is common for people on the Schizophrenic spectrum. I struggle with reaction time and processing speed. If you have this, how do you cope with or overcome it? I worry I won't play metal or punk music well because of it

I feel like people treat or act accordingly too my internal state like a lot of people are unconscious npcs And are easily influenced. Than I feel like I can notice someone who isn’t an “npc” I also feel like I see the world on a frequency or energetical perspective. like I’m tuned into a different radio channel than everyone else. whenever I feel like my frequency or internal state is high I attract everything. especially animals than it feels like there attached too some energy. whenever I feel dull or depressed I feel like my pets think something’s off. am I crazy. Im not diagnosed with schizotypal or anything but my dad is bipolar. .

I know they’re not real but I still keep engaging with them. For example u believe that I can telepathically communicate with someone who I don’t know yet who I will meet in the future. My brain comes up with entire conversations and I can spend hours “telepathically communicating”. The thing is I know that it’s not real though. Logically I know that there is no one on the other side and it is my imagination but I get caught up in it and I choose to believe it and engage in it because I feel more real of a connection with the made up characters in my mind than real people. I know it has to be some sort of coping strategy I came up with in my childhood but it is frustrating because mentally I get invested in delusions I know aren’t real and people I know I will never meet.

I would say my worst symptom of this disorder is Magical Thinking for various reasons. One particularly specific, odd reason is that it makes me unsure who I am exactly and how I feel about things, which has culminated in this fear of “becoming someone else”. For example, I frequently fear that one day I will suddenly lose all of my interests and take on interests that currently bore me, or I will look at someone do something I don’t like, think about how they do like doing that thing, and then fear becoming them and suddenly liking that thing. It actually makes me quite like the eccentric traits of this disorder since it makes me feel currently “unlike” anyone else, and comorbid Schizoid traits help keep distance from others which I fear becoming. Perhaps the most common form of this is that I fear suddenly changing beliefs and, say, becoming a Nazi or something else monstrous - psychotic symptoms have caused lasting and unpleasant changes in my beliefs so this isn’t without precedent which is why it is so particularly scary. Anyways, I decided to look into what this is called and it turns out it is actually a well-documented phenomenon in OCD termed the “Transformation Obsession”. From descriptions of it, it seems very Schizotypal-like in that it can involve depersonalisation, derealisation, odd perceptual experiences, and a cooccurrence with odd beliefs, but I wasn’t able to find any mentions of the phenomenon in individuals with Schizotypal Disorder. So, does anyone else have this experience? If so, what’s your story, if you’d like to share of course?

My diagnosis is Schizotypal PD but I identify as schizoid equally as much.

I kind of wish I was fully just schizoid. It doesn’t even sound bad, at least when compared to any other mental illness. It feels like the worst aspects of schizoid existence are amplified for us Schizotypals. I am surely glamorizing it to an unreasonable degree. But it really feels like the grass is greener for our less neurotic cousins.

Does anyone else think about other disorders this way?

The past week (or has it been several by now?) has been taxing.

I’ve been having weird thoughts. Something went missing.. he must have stolen it. It couldn’t be anything else.

Perhaps he’s a shill. A paid actor. In the realm of possibilities I seem to reach for the more absurd. I remember seeing a reel once that many must of taken as a joke.

“When you fall in love with the guy who you think is a undercover agent sent to spy on you”

Something of that nature. I didn’t really find it funny. I got a weird sensation. People talk about being exposed when they see a relatable meme “don’t call me out like that haha” but it’s usually for some universally shared trait like .. I don’t know.. hating sand in your shoes? Fear of spiders? Running to the bathroom at night after watching a horror movie and thinking some monster is concealed behind the shower curtain?

I’m not sure anyone is so bold to admit they have a fear of being targeted in a way that suggests not being of “sound mind”. The Truman Show was an amazing movie, but, it’s just that - a movie. Fiction. A way to be entertained without considering that for many this is a type of “reality”.

Everyone jumped on the conspiracy wagon when those files came out. Suddenly, wearing that tinfoil hat looked awfully appealing. They were right all along and yet, the seeds had been planted by those who had perpetuated the crimes. A long time ago. “Let’s tell them the truth and then let’s make them look crazy”.

Isn’t that the crux of it all?

You know the truth but you don’t know why, so your mind starts filling in the gaps. You’re given just enough of an idea to feel unsettled but not enough information to deal with it tactfully. Then, you’re called crazy. The real kicker is when you start saying it before anyone else can.

“I’m crazy”

One day you think to yourself “maybe I’m not, but I feel crazy”

And that’s the distinction not often made. Feeling crazy is like feeling that there is too much internalized to cope with. Too many strings of information. Too many conflicting ideas. Too many possibilities.

I occupy this limbo. I’m aware enough to realize that some of my thoughts make no sense and yet a part of me listens to those stories, the needling little voice that constructs realities in my mind - realities in which, I am always at the centre of hostile forces. I don’t see the inconsistencies through my own lens, it is always through that of “society”. What would these so called normal people think, what has been branded as sane behaviour and thinking. What has been approved by the universal consciousness as “real” or “possible”. I suppose if one is willing enough they can occupy that place, too. But it was never about being normal or not, it was always about conforming.

I watched a video once. V sauce. Is my red your red? I suppose it always comes back to that, for me.

My legal advisor got sent a boat load of notes from the place I live. A transitional housing network. They sent the wrong thing but that’s beside the point. I found myself faced with 4 years of notes taken by these people. About me. Every interaction with a staff member I ever had, documented.

Then there was the missing vape. I thought he stole it. Then he found it on the sidewalk right after I got on the bus and was heading home. I returned back to retrieve it from him. But why was it so beat up? If I had only dropped it, the impact would not have been strong enough. So I threw it down as if it had fallen from my hand or pocket. Only a scuff, not a gash that implied being thrown with force.

And what if he decides to work here? A former client now a staff. What of those notes detailing my breakdown about him? What of my privacy?

I never cared much about some strange entity like the algorithm knowing my secrets and personal details.. but those within my circle? I can’t fathom that.

How strange. Is this paranoid thinking a product of environment? Of nature? Did everything lead me back here? To all these shifting realities and no one within reach to say “you’re okay. It’s okay”. Only worried looks, estranged responses.

I looked at the people I knew and they became strangers.

I sought love and found only that alien feeling yet again. I can’t hug you because it will only remind me that in every other moment I won’t be hugging anyone. It only reminds me that there will never be enough closeness to fill the cavern of my loneliness. The loneliness that resides within me, untouched by anything external.

I learned from V sauce that atoms never truly touch. And that is not just a fun fact for me. That’s what I have felt for my entire life but could not describe scientifically or profoundly.

I guess this is my post. I’m not sure why I’m here but I feel adrift again. Untethered. Unnatural. Uncanny.

Tomorrow the station will be changed and it will be business as usual but there is always the crackle beneath the din, threatening to grow louder as I ignore it.

I’m scared but then I crack a joke and smile. It will be fine as long as I continue performing normalcy. It will be fine if I get a job. It will be fine if I keep taking this medication that helps me function but also sends me into some manic spiral. It will be fine if I ignore my doubts and repress my thoughts and feelings. It will be fine if I say I love you but deep down I am deathly afraid because in my world no one loves “me”. There is no “me” and wherever she is, if she does exist, she does not love. She’s never loved. Just scraped the barrel looking for something she was told is love. Even if it stared her in the face, she would just see the indentation of a ghost. She would see the shapeshifting beast that constantly eludes her, made her question everything.

Where is he hiding now? He must be omnipresent. There is no one I can trust. Not even “myself”.

I’m 16 years old, and as time passes, my STPD has been affecting me more and more. I was diagnosed a couple months ago- yet I have always needed assistance at school even before that. But I’m in high school now and they won’t treat teens with STPD the same as a child with a ADHD misdiagnosis. I told my school psychiatrist about my problems and even got a doctors note but they’re telling me I’m too “normal” or “healthy”. Maybe if I had autism they’d give me help??? Apathy is killing me, I’m mentally unable to participate with my class, I can’t make friends + too anxious to communicate with teachers, and in fact, I feel mentally brain dead after all this… suffering. I’ve just told myself to get through this but with my current grades I’m unable to participate in the next grade. I’m not pissed. I can’t see myself failing or passing. I’ve just gave in. How did you guys get through this in school? Sigh…

I sometimes referred to myself as neurodivergent, because in my understanding, this condition is innate (or appears at a young age) and lifelong. But is it right since many of us need medical treatment (myself included) to function in the society? I do think that my way of being is "broken", that is I require medication to "fix" my brain, does it mean I'm ill and not just neurologically different?

Are the terms "mentally ill" and "neurodivergent" mutually exclusive? Can we use both to refer to this condition, just in different context (medical vs. cultural)?

Im really struggling with these atm

I genuinely don't know what to think anymore. For months now I've been noticing extremely weird coincidences and it's starting to mess with my head.

Ever since December, I keep seeing the number 22 everywhere. At first I ignored it, but then more and more strange things started happening around me. Animals randomly acting weird, dreams, deja vu moments, thinking about people and then suddenly seeing them again after years.

One thing that really freaked me out happened this week. There’s this guy I used to talk to years ago. We haven't spoken in forever. He hasn’t even been active on Discord or League for like 4 months. Three days ago I randomly started thinking about him, opened our old chat, checked his match history and profile for no reason at all.

Tonight, out of nowhere, he suddenly comes online again on both Discord and LoL.

And that's not even the weirdest part. There’s also a cat near my house that used to howl almost every night months ago, then disappeared for nearly 2 months. A few days ago I randomly thought: “weird how that cat completely vanished.” And now suddenly it came back and started howling again at night.

At this point I honestly don't know if my brain is just hyperfocused on patterns or if some coincidences are genuinely too unlikely to ignore. Has anyone else experienced periods in life where reality itself starts feeling strange?

Everyone misunderstands my tone when I speak, even my family. If i show an ounce of emotion, excitement or whatnot they think im angry at them? When I feel clam I’m told to calm down.

anyone feel like most displays of emotion are misunderstood?