u/Careless-Raccoon-490

Like I said, I own a handgun despite being strongly anti-gun. It’s just a single pistol, locked away in a safe that no one else knows about not even my wife, who’s just as opposed to guns as I am.

I’ve spent a long time trying to understand why I keep it. Part of it is the illusion of control. Life can feel overwhelming and unpredictable, and knowing it’s there creates this quiet sense that, no matter how bad things get, I still have a choice.

The hardest part to admit is that I don’t keep it for protection from other people. I keep it because, somewhere deep down, it represents an escape hatch something I could turn to if I ever reached a point where I no longer wanted to live.

I keep circling back to the same thought: maybe I’m a creep. Or at least, maybe that’s how I come across to her. I don’t actually know but not knowing is what’s been eating at me.

This whole situation just makes me feel like a creep. I had maybe still have an online friend. Nothing complicated at first. We were just two people in the same fandom who clicked, who liked the same things and enjoyed talking. It felt easy.

For context, I’m a photographer that’s what I’m studying, and I ended up landing an internship with [REDACTED]. That’s what brought me to [REDACTED]. At some point, she mentioned she lived there too. So when I was looking for a comic book store, I asked if she knew any good spots. She gave me a few suggestions, but one stood out a comic shop that was also a café. She said she’d been meaning to check it out herself.

And this is the part I keep replaying.

I asked if she wanted to go with me.

She said… “maybe.”

I didn’t push. I only mentioned it one more time told her what day I was going. She never showed up. I stayed for about an hour anyway, just reading and trying different coffees. Afterward, I told her the place was nice, that she should check it out sometime if she wanted. I tried to step back, to make it clear there was no pressure.

But things had already started to shift before that. About a month earlier, when I told her about the internship, she seemed genuinely happy for me. She asked questions how long I’d be there, what I’d be doing. Then, a few days later, something changed. Conversations faded into streaks. One video a day. No real talking.

That’s how it’s been for about five months now.

At one point after a few days where it felt especially distant I told her that if she didn’t want to talk anymore, that was okay. I’d understand. She said she did still want to talk, that she’d just been busy. And maybe that’s true. Life gets messy, unpredictable. I get that.

But I also can’t shake the feeling that something’s off.

Because even when I’m overwhelmed, I still make time for the people I care about online or not. So part of me wonders if she’s just slowly drifting away, and I’m the only one still holding onto what this used to be.

And then there’s the part I don’t like admitting: when we first started talking, I was pretty lonely. I might’ve let myself imagine something more, even though I knew deep down it probably wasn’t mutual. I never acted on it, never tried to force anything but maybe it showed anyway. Maybe that’s what changed things.

So now I’m stuck in this in between.

If she thinks I’m a creep… Why doesn't she stop talking? Why does she still send things, even if it’s minimal? Why keep that thread alive at all?

I almost wish she’d just tell me outright to leave her alone. It would hurt, but at least it would be clear. At least it would end this slow, uncertain fade.

Instead, I’m left here questioning everything what I did, how I came across, whether I crossed a line without realizing it.

And I don’t know what to do anymore.

I just got a job offer that would take me all the way out of the American South (think Texas and Louisiana), which is all I’ve ever really known. My dad works in the oilfield, my mom’s a teacher, and I’m the middle kid who somehow ended up chasing photography. I’ve been sending my portfolio everywhere I could think of, just hoping something would stick… and somehow, one of those shots landed with a company in Japan. They loved my work. Like, really loved it. More than I expected anyone to.

And that’s where things get complicated.

Because instead of just feeling excited, I’m scared. Not a little nervous, actually scared. I come from a rough, working class background, and yeah, I’ve fought hard to build something different for myself, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still feel tied to where I came from. My family is a big part of me. The idea of leaving them for a long time maybe years and moving to a place where I don’t know anyone, don’t have roots, don’t understand the culture… it’s overwhelming.

I keep going back and forth in my head. Part of me feels like this is the kind of opportunity people wait their whole lives for, and I’d be crazy to pass it up. But another part of me is terrified I’ll take it and end up feeling completely alone and out of place. And then there’s this third voice wondering if I’d regret it forever if I don’t go.

I haven’t told anyone yet. Not my family, not my friends. I think I just needed to say it out loud somewhere, because it’s been sitting heavy on me.

I’m a 21 year old guy, and I’ve been dealing with depression and a lot of self hatred for a while now. Things got a lot worse after my brother basically abandoned me. That really messed me up, and I felt completely alone. I didn’t really have anyone to talk to, and my thoughts just kept getting darker.

Around that time, I started talking to this girl online. At first, it was just casual, nothing serious but slowly, she became someone I really depended on. I was in a really bad place mentally, honestly dealing with suicidal thoughts, and she was one of the only reasons I kept going.

It still feels weird to say out loud that someone on the other side of a screen (who had no idea what I was going through) could save my life, but she did. She gave me something to hold onto when I didn’t have anything else. Just having someone who cared, even a little, meant everything to me.

Over time, we talked every day. It became a routine, something I looked forward to. I got attached, probably more than I should have, but at that point she was one of the only stable things in my life.

Then I ended up getting an internship in the same place where she lived. I was actually excited to tell her it felt like things might finally line up in a good way for once. But after I told her, something changed.

She started pulling away. At first it was small slower replies, shorter conversations. I tried not to think too much of it, told myself she was probably just busy. But it kept getting worse. Eventually, it turned into just one message a day everyday for six months.

And it stayed like that for six months.

Six months of me holding onto what we used to have, hoping it would go back to normal, wondering what I did wrong, overthinking everything. It hurt more than I expected it to. Going from talking to someone every day someone who meant that much to me to basically nothing… it just slowly ate at me.

So today, I blocked her.

Not because I hate her. Not because I’m angry. But because I couldn’t keep doing that to myself anymore. Holding onto something that already felt gone was just hurting me more every day.

I don’t even know if I did the right thing. I just know I couldn’t keep feeling like that.

I’m a 21 year old guy, and I’ve been dealing with depression and a lot of self hatred for a while now. Things got a lot worse after my brother basically abandoned me. That really messed me up, and I felt completely alone. I didn’t really have anyone to talk to, and my thoughts just kept getting darker.

Around that time, I started talking to this girl online. At first, it was just casual, nothing serious but slowly, she became someone I really depended on. I was in a really bad place mentally, honestly dealing with suicidal thoughts, and she was one of the only reasons I kept going.

It still feels weird to say out loud that someone on the other side of a screen (who had no idea what I was going through) could save my life, but she did. She gave me something to hold onto when I didn’t have anything else. Just having someone who cared, even a little, meant everything to me.

Over time, we talked every day. It became a routine, something I looked forward to. I got attached, probably more than I should have, but at that point she was one of the only stable things in my life.

Then I ended up getting an internship in the same place where she lived. I was actually excited to tell her it felt like things might finally line up in a good way for once. But after I told her, something changed.

She started pulling away. At first it was small slower replies, shorter conversations. I tried not to think too much of it, told myself she was probably just busy. But it kept getting worse. Eventually, it turned into just one message a day everyday for six months.

And it stayed like that for six months.

Six months of me holding onto what we used to have, hoping it would go back to normal, wondering what I did wrong, overthinking everything. It hurt more than I expected it to. Going from talking to someone every day someone who meant that much to me to basically nothing… it just slowly ate at me.

So today, I blocked her.

Not because I hate her. Not because I’m angry. But because I couldn’t keep doing that to myself anymore. Holding onto something that already felt gone was just hurting me more every day.

I don’t even know if I did the right thing. I just know I couldn’t keep feeling like that.

I’m a 21 year old guy who’s been struggling with depression and a lot of self hatred. When my brother abandoned me, I felt completely alone, and things got really dark. Around that time, I started talking to a girl online. I was in a pretty bad place honestly, I was dealing with suicidal thoughts and somehow, she helped pull me through it.

It still feels strange to say that someone on the other side of a screen could save my life, but she did. She gave me something to hold onto when I didn’t have much else.

Eventually, I got an internship in the same place where she lived. When I told her, something changed. She started pulling away slowly at first, then more and more until our conversations became just one short message a day.

It stayed like that for six months. And today, I finally blocked her. Not out of anger, but because holding onto something that meant so much, while feeling it slip away like that, was hurting me more than I could handle.

I keep circling back to the same thought: maybe I’m a creep. Or at least, maybe that’s how I come across to her. I don’t actually know but not knowing is what’s been eating at me.

This whole situation just makes me sad. I had maybe still have an online friend. Nothing complicated at first. We were just two people in the same fandom who clicked, who liked the same things and enjoyed talking. It felt easy.

For context, I’m a photographer that’s what I’m studying, and I ended up landing an internship with [REDACTED]. That’s what brought me to [REDACTED]. At some point, she mentioned she lived there too. So when I was looking for a comic book store, I asked if she knew any good spots. She gave me a few suggestions, but one stood out a comic shop that was also a café. She said she’d been meaning to check it out herself.

And this is the part I keep replaying.

I asked if she wanted to go with me.

She said… “maybe.”

I didn’t push. I only mentioned it one more time told her what day I was going. She never showed up. I stayed for about an hour anyway, just reading and trying different coffees. Afterward, I told her the place was nice, that she should check it out sometime if she wanted. I tried to step back, to make it clear there was no pressure.

But things had already started to shift before that. About a month earlier, when I told her about the internship, she seemed genuinely happy for me. She asked questions how long I’d be there, what I’d be doing. Then, a few days later, something changed. Conversations faded into streaks. One video a day. No real talking.

That’s how it’s been for about five months now.

At one point after a few days where it felt especially distant I told her that if she didn’t want to talk anymore, that was okay. I’d understand. She said she did still want to talk, that she’d just been busy. And maybe that’s true. Life gets messy, unpredictable. I get that.

But I also can’t shake the feeling that something’s off and that I made a mistake.

Because even when I’m overwhelmed, I still make time for the people I care about online or not. So part of me wonders if she’s just slowly drifting away, and I’m the only one still holding onto what this used to be.

And then there’s the part I don’t like admitting: when we first started talking, I was pretty lonely. I might’ve let myself imagine something more, even though I knew deep down it probably wasn’t mutual. I never acted on it, never tried to force anything but maybe it showed anyway. Maybe that’s what changed things.

So now I’m stuck in this in between.

If she thinks I’m a creep… why hasn’t she just said so? Why does she still send things, even if it’s minimal? Why keep that thread alive at all?

I almost wish she’d just tell me outright to leave her alone. It would hurt, but at least it would be clear. At least it would end this slow, uncertain fade.

Instead, I’m left here questioning everything what I did, how I came across, whether I crossed a line without realizing it.

And I don’t know what to do anymore.

I keep circling back to the same thought: maybe I’m a creep. Or at least, maybe that’s how I come across to her. I don’t actually know but not knowing is what’s been eating at me.

This whole situation just makes me sad. I had maybe still have an online friend. Nothing complicated at first. We were just two people in the same fandom who clicked, who liked the same things and enjoyed talking. It felt easy.

For context, I’m a photographer that’s what I’m studying, and I ended up landing an internship with [REDACTED]. That’s what brought me to [REDACTED]. At some point, she mentioned she lived there too. So when I was looking for a comic book store, I asked if she knew any good spots. She gave me a few suggestions, but one stood out a comic shop that was also a café. She said she’d been meaning to check it out herself.

And this is the part I keep replaying.

I asked if she wanted to go with me.

She said… “maybe.”

I didn’t push. I only mentioned it one more time told her what day I was going. She never showed up. I stayed for about an hour anyway, just reading and trying different coffees. Afterward, I told her the place was nice, that she should check it out sometime if she wanted. I tried to step back, to make it clear there was no pressure.

But things had already started to shift before that. About a month earlier, when I told her about the internship, she seemed genuinely happy for me. She asked questions how long I’d be there, what I’d be doing. Then, a few days later, something changed. Conversations faded into streaks. One video a day. No real talking.

That’s how it’s been for about five months now.

At one point after a few days where it felt especially distant I told her that if she didn’t want to talk anymore, that was okay. I’d understand. She said she did still want to talk, that she’d just been busy. And maybe that’s true. Life gets messy, unpredictable. I get that.

But I also can’t shake the feeling that something’s off and that I made a mistake.

Because even when I’m overwhelmed, I still make time for the people I care about online or not. So part of me wonders if she’s just slowly drifting away, and I’m the only one still holding onto what this used to be.

And then there’s the part I don’t like admitting: when we first started talking, I was pretty lonely. I might’ve let myself imagine something more, even though I knew deep down it probably wasn’t mutual. I never acted on it, never tried to force anything but maybe it showed anyway. Maybe that’s what changed things.

So now I’m stuck in this in between.

If she thinks I’m a creep… why hasn’t she just said so? Why does she still send things, even if it’s minimal? Why keep that thread alive at all?

I almost wish she’d just tell me outright to leave her alone. It would hurt, but at least it would be clear. At least it would end this slow, uncertain fade.

Instead, I’m left here questioning everything what I did, how I came across, whether I crossed a line without realizing it.

And I don’t know what to do anymore.

I keep circling back to the same thought: maybe I’m a creep. Or at least, maybe that’s how I come across to her. I don’t actually know but not knowing is what’s been eating at me.

This whole situation just makes me feel like a creep. I had maybe still have an online friend. Nothing complicated at first. We were just two people in the same fandom who clicked, who liked the same things and enjoyed talking. It felt easy.

For context, I’m a photographer that’s what I’m studying, and I ended up landing an internship with [REDACTED]. That’s what brought me to [REDACTED]. At some point, she mentioned she lived there too. So when I was looking for a comic book store, I asked if she knew any good spots. She gave me a few suggestions, but one stood out a comic shop that was also a café. She said she’d been meaning to check it out herself.

And this is the part I keep replaying.

I asked if she wanted to go with me.

She said… “maybe.”

I didn’t push. I only mentioned it one more time told her what day I was going. She never showed up. I stayed for about an hour anyway, just reading and trying different coffees. Afterward, I told her the place was nice, that she should check it out sometime if she wanted. I tried to step back, to make it clear there was no pressure.

But things had already started to shift before that. About a month earlier, when I told her about the internship, she seemed genuinely happy for me. She asked questions how long I’d be there, what I’d be doing. Then, a few days later, something changed. Conversations faded into streaks. One video a day. No real talking.

That’s how it’s been for about five months now.

At one point after a few days where it felt especially distant I told her that if she didn’t want to talk anymore, that was okay. I’d understand. She said she did still want to talk, that she’d just been busy. And maybe that’s true. Life gets messy, unpredictable. I get that.

But I also can’t shake the feeling that something’s off.

Because even when I’m overwhelmed, I still make time for the people I care about online or not. So part of me wonders if she’s just slowly drifting away, and I’m the only one still holding onto what this used to be.

And then there’s the part I don’t like admitting: when we first started talking, I was pretty lonely. I might’ve let myself imagine something more, even though I knew deep down it probably wasn’t mutual. I never acted on it, never tried to force anything but maybe it showed anyway. Maybe that’s what changed things.

So now I’m stuck in this in between.

If she thinks I’m a creep… Why doesn't she stop talking? Why does she still send things, even if it’s minimal? Why keep that thread alive at all?

I almost wish she’d just tell me outright to leave her alone. It would hurt, but at least it would be clear. At least it would end this slow, uncertain fade.

Instead, I’m left here questioning everything what I did, how I came across, whether I crossed a line without realizing it.

And I don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m 21, kind of a dorky guy I’m into comic books, movies, and video games, that sort of thing. Over the past few years, I’ve gone through a pretty big physical change. When I was 18, I weighed around 400 pounds, and now I’m down to 235 (6’4 lots of muscles). I’m genuinely proud of that, and it took a lot of work to get here.

But something I didn’t expect is how much it’s made me rethink my attraction to women, and honestly, I’m a little conflicted about it.

I’ve realized that I’m not usually attracted to overweight women, and I tend to be drawn to certain types especially Asian and Middle Eastern women. At the same time, I don’t just care about looks. I want someone I genuinely connect with someone who shares my interests, matches my energy, and just clicks with me.

What bothers me is that part of me feels shallow for having these preferences, especially when it comes to weight. When I was heavier, I almost felt like I didn’t deserve to be attracted to certain women, like they were out of my league. I kind of told myself that I should only be interested in overweight women, and I tried to accept that as my reality.

Now that I’ve lost the weight, feel healthier, and have more confidence, my attraction feels more honest but also more complicated. I don’t know how to reconcile the fact that I have preferences with the kind of person I want to be. I don’t want to reduce people to just physical traits or close myself off from someone amazing just because I didn’t like how they looked.

I guess what I’m trying to figure out is: how do you balance natural attraction with being open minded and not overly judgmental? And how do you know when a preference is just a preference versus something you should challenge in yourself?