r/stepparents

We have 4 kids together (one mine, three his). They are amazing and I love them, but I am fighting so hard with food routine of his two youngest girls. Girls are 9 and 7. The older one changes her preferences every weekend - one weekend no meat, next weeked no tomato sauce, next weekend no cheese (but next time she will eat some of these). The younger one eats only dry pasta, dry rice and dry pastry. So I plan what to cook for every weekend when they are with us, but it's getting harder and harder. Sometimes I am cooking whole weekend and they don't eat a s*it. Today it was the last straw. We went on some trip and we were in the market in the morning - each kid was asked to plan their food for the whole day. I ended up with frying fu*in' croquettes on a gas travel cooker, because it was the only food which they wanted to eat today. Things gone wild, kids were running around and the cooker with hot oil fell on my leg. I have burned feet and they didn't ate anything again. I hate this so much, but I don't know how to handle this. I don't want to do this anymore, it's never ending story. Their father (my BF) is very caring and great guy and great father, but he doesn't cook (he does a lot of work with his hands).

I (f29) have been seeing a dad (m27) for 6 months. He has a 4 year old with ex and 50:50 custody. I have an 8 year old but ex has never had contact.

As the title says, I’ve never dated a parent and I’m struggling to get used to an ex being involved. They have a good relationship and are friends, although he has mentioned in passing (and a reason they split) that she is very defensive and if he mentions anything constructive she cries and tells him she’s not a bad parent etc. For this reason, he likes to keep the peace. The ex has since had another baby and I’m confident there aren’t any feelings between them.

BUT, I’m struggling to get used to her being involved. She’s called every-time we’re together whilst she has the kid, says he wants to speak to dad. A separate time she called after a night out and spoke to him about a mutual friend and at the end of the call, she was speaking to him about his work (he’s a fitness coach) and she said ‘if I want any advice on coaching I’ll just get it from you seeing as I gave you a baby’. I said it made me uncomfortable and my partner agreed that wasn’t right and conversation should be limited to the child, but he didn’t want to ignore the call in case it seemed as though he was intentionally hiding something. They’re going to a mutual friends wedding together later this month. She also seems to spend time round partners parents now and then.

I’m just finding myself really struggling. I’m falling for him hard, he’s a great person and a great dad, but I’m not fond of the fact that she’s going to be so involved for the rest of our lives. He agreed that he thinks it’s only necessary to keep conversation about the kids and whilst I do agree they need to be friends and coparent well, I’m struggling with the thought that I’ll always be a third in the relationship.

I’m aware I probably sound hypocritical given that I also have a child, but without having an ex involved I’ve not experienced this before. Does it get better with time? Is it worth pursuing given I really like him, or should I accept perhaps I’m not suited for someone in this situation? 😭

My husband has full custody of his five year old son. We have lived together since SS’s 2nd birthday. He got full custody 6 months later. I do all the mom things. It’s great, I love him to pieces. I love kids and I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mom. He is and always will be my first baby.

SS has been diagnosed with a behavior disorder. He is aggressive, violent, and impatient mostly during any kind of transition and also being told no. Outside of this, he is kind and sweet and sooooo funny.
I’ve learned how to approach him, I’ve created rules and boundaries that (semi) work for him and his behavior. I am the #1 school communicator, therapist communicator, etc. I take him to appointments, bathe & dress him everyday, put him to bed every night, etc. I even supervise visits with his bio mom (that’s another story). I also work 45+ hours a week, and I’m in school 15-20hrs a week to get my degree.

I am so tired.

This past week I had SS home for school break. I took weekdays off so I could be home with him. I could not find myself to do literally anything outside of routine with him.
We went outside to play on his first day off, and upon immediately not listening and becoming unsafe, we had to come inside. He punched me, kicked me, headbutted, pulled my hair and bit my wrist the entire five minute walk back inside.
I’m 5’2, 110lbs. He’s almost 4’ and 60lbs. I physically cannot restrain him safely and handle his physical aggression out in public. We spent the rest of the week indoors. I felt so depleted, hopeless and depressed. I was SO EXCITED to go back to work. My husband is semi helpful, but we mostly don’t coparent because we work opposite schedules to accommodate SS. I feel like I’m the only person who can correctly discipline and alleviate SS aggression. I am SO BURNT OUT. I feel so guilty. I feel resentful, and I wish I didn’t.

When I'm out of the house for some reason (work/event/social) BD will watch TV with SD in our bed. Despite that we have an entire TV room with a big comfy couch upstairs. This never happens when I'm home, only when I'm gone.
I have (more than once) expressed that I am not comfortable with having her in our bed. For one thing, she's a grubby pre-teen who is smelly and doesn't have good hygiene habits yet, and is always sick with something or other from school (lice! Covid! Hfm! Plain old colds! Don't want that on my pillow!).
For another, the bed feels like a private space for intimacy between myself and her dad (though that has been MIA lately) and I don't think it's healthy for her to get used to "replacing" me in the bed when I'm not there.
She always has a tantrum when it's time to get out and go to her own bed, and frequently (still!) complains at night and says she wants to sleep in our bed, despite that we haven't ever allowed this. I think letting her use our bed only when I'm gone sets me up to be the "bad guy/evil stepmom" who displaces her when I get home, and also I think it gives the false impression that we are interchangeable or in competition for who gets to occupy that symbolic space, which feels really unhealthy.
Context: BD and I have been together for 5.5 years, cohabitating for 4, married for 2. 50/50 with her BM, who I think sometimes co-sleeps with her still, esp. when they travel.
The TV thing happened again last night and BD yelled at me and said he didn't want to hear me complaining about how the bedroom should be "all mine," which is not at all what I'm even saying, and makes me feel selfish for wanting to hold this boundary. I guess I'm just wondering if other folks have struggled with gray area around protecting personal space while step parenting. Also would be happy to know if any resources that discuss this that I can bring to BD. Thanks.

Step parents with older step children who have had a child with your partner, how did you tell them? My step daughter is 15 and my husband and I are 6 weeks pregnant. We don't think she will react bad but we're still nervous

My husband has 4 boys….yep 4! With the same mother, and their ages are 5,7,12,14.
I’m 35 and have never been that maternal or a 100% yes on having my own children, but after spending time with his children 50-50, I do often wonder what it would be like having my own with him and the older the get the more I desire having my own. He’s expressed he’d love to share a child with me, and he’s an amazing dad, but I just don’t know how the step kids would cope, how he’d feel about spending full time with my child and part time with the others, and end up resenting me? Has anyone been step parent to multiple children and had their own biological child? How do you find it?

My partner and i have been together for about a year now, i have a child he has two, iv had issues with my BD but we have managed to resolve our issues, my partner unfortunately isn’t in the same boat, they split their children 50/50, but my partner is not allowed any weekends off, not allowed to take the children away, asked for money on the daily even though he pays half of everything to the mother, its even got to the point that i have blocked the BM but she keeps creating fake accounts to send me messages between them both when he’s refusing to send her more money, she will then threaten to not send the children if her rules aren’t followed, even to the point she did refuse to send them after my partner went to her and said that her new partner had grabbed one of the children, social services were called by her to say that my partner was manipulating the children, she told him that social services had said he wasn’t allowed near the children until an investigation had been done but when he spoke to them they said that under no circumstances was he to be denied access to the children and that they would be speaking with the mother, they also said the claim was not a corner at all for them and it was classed as a seat iv issue that should be sorted privately between both parties, i have begged and pleaded for him to go down the official route, courts, mediation, but he is terrified that she will stop contact completely, she is destroying our relationship, i try to keep my mouth closed as i don’t want to ever be blamed for the reason he can’t see his children but how much longer do i stay quiet before i completely explode and possibly ruin what i thought was going to be a great blended family

I (36F) really just needed to say that out-loud. In the beginning I tried to do everything for them (12F, 9F). But their mothers are crazy witches and have caused me so much trauma by now that I have lost whatever good feelings is left inside me to care anymore. My husband and I both have two kids (he has 2 girls, I 2 boys) my kids live with us Monday to Friday and go to their respective parents on weekends. His daughter will come every second weekend and the other once a year, since she lives in another country.

I lost a set of twin girls before I met him and felt like this was a way for me to have those daughters I always wanted. But we weren’t even dating for a month when the harassment started. His ex and her sisters started posting about us, stalking our socials, writing all sorts of smack on the internet, dming my family and friends. Posting our pictures online tagging the business, chatting to our clients. Just a shit show of harassment for about 2 years now. I applied for a protection order which was granted, it didn’t stop. So now the family is about to get arrested and his daughter from UK sends me messages “I’m pathetic”, “my dad is with you for your money”, “he is just being fake with you”. So I blocked her, because what she’s doing also violated the court order and I really don’t want to include that in the upcoming trial.

I’m exhausted. Our one year anniversary of our wedding has come up and I genuinely don’t feel like celebrating. My husband is my best friend and he’s always a 100% support. He loves me the way no one has ever loved me. He supports me financially after I lost my job, and takes care of my boys. I couldn’t have asked for a better man. But his exes are determined to see him broken. Maybe it’s because he left them, and seeing him with me, being everything they wanted is hard. But get over it, I don’t give a shit what my exes are doing! I can 200% understand why he ran away from them.

I’m exhausted. But I don’t regret getting that protection order. Even if it means his kids hate me forever. I don’t even sleep at night anymore just waiting for the next attack.

I’m looking for some honest advice or perspective.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. He has a 12 year-old daughter, and we’ve always had a really good relationship. Up until recently, he and his ex had 50/50 custody, which worked well for us. We had regular time together alone, and a good balance between couple time and time with his daughter which I also enjoy.

About a month ago, things changed and he now has full custody.

Since then, I’ve found myself struggling more than I expected. When I go over, it’s pretty much always with his daughter there, and a lot of the time I’m helping with homework or just fitting into their routine. We don’t really have the same one-on-one time anymore (even just relaxing or cuddling), and I’m starting to feel a bit disconnected.

I feel really guilty feeling this way because I do like his daughter, we have a great relationship and I want to be supportive. But if I’m being honest, I never wanted kids of my own, and I’m realizing that full-time parenting energy is different than what I thought I was signing up for when it was 50/50.

I’m trying to figure out what’s reasonable here. Is it normal to feel this way after a change like this? How do people in similar situations maintain their relationship and not lose that “couple” connection? Is it fair for me to want/need regular alone time with him? And how do I bring this up without it sounding like I have an issue with his daughter?

I care about them both a lot and don’t want to walk away, but I also don’t want to ignore how I’m feeling and end up resentful.

Any advice or similar experiences would really help.

(Throwaway account for anonymity reasons)

I’ve (30 F) been dating my bf ((38 M) for 5 years. He has two children (both male 11 and 8 yo ). He was married previously and I just get tired of always seeing reminders of her. He has a blanket that she made him and then a gift he got from their wedding saying “just married”.

He watched her other child she has with a different guy to babysit while she went out of town for her birthday. She brought him back a little souvenir. And I have to see that souvenir hanging around.

I feel like I’m overreacting sometimes and my boyfriend just doesn’t understand. Has anyone else have a hard time with this?

I’ve known him and have helped raise him since he was 3 months old because his biological father was never there for him and he’s also not on the birth certificate due to the foresight of my girlfriend. His biological father is also now looking at 5-10+ years in prison for some terrible decisions he has made. I’ve been there changing diapers, late nights where he can’t sleep, early mornings where he’s up and ready for the day, helping him to learn how to crawl/walk and talk, abcs, 123s, vacations, adventures, tantrums, when he was sick with croup I was in the hospital with him and giving him breathing treatments at night staying up late to listen to his breathing and make sure he was alright and everything in between. To me that is my son and my boy but we’re at a point now where he’s starting to call me dada or my name and we don’t know which one to reinforce. I want it to be his choice on what to call me but we also don’t want confuse him, he’s only 20 months old and still learning the world around him. Mom has recently made the decision that she doesn’t want him to have any more video calls with his biological dad in jail because she feels it won’t be beneficial for him because of the nature of the situation and his innocence, it just doesn’t seem like it’s beneficial for him so essentially he won’t be in the picture until he’s old enough to decide if he wants him to be in his life or not. Given the little bit of information I’ve been able to give you, what do you feel like the right thing to do would be? When she says oh we’re going to “blank” to see “my name”

should she say we’re going to “blank”

to see dada? I don’t know we’re just lost in what to tell him :( we just want him to be happy and not be burdened with the confusion that this situation can bring.

Thank you in advance, we’re just confused and want the best for our boy ❤️

I don’t know what I should do. I met her when she was 10 after dating her dad for 4 months and moved in 6 months later. No comments please maybe that was dumb. She was delighted. His female best friend/married woman with kids his age so they all hung out was immediately jealous that her friend was too busy for her and manipulated his daughter into hating me. Told her aren’t you soooo mad that he chooses her every weekend? When I lived out of town. I had no idea she was doing this with his kid no one did. I had suspicions as I was planning SD birthday the first year and suddenly she took over because “i don’t know what I’m doing bc im childfree” so apparently too dumb to plan an 11yo party. Okay.
After four months and an increasingly bad attitude toward her father but always running to me for support which I gave her, she up and moved to her mothers. She sent me messages from her friends phone threatening to slit my throat while I sleep. All out of nowhere. It’s been two years of counseling but I still don’t trust this kid. I’m afraid she’ll snap like she did before when she played nice in my face but apparently wanted to hurt me.
What do I do if she’s ordered to come stay here on weekends? She doesn’t come over now because of her past behavior but I am so nervous. What would you do?

My husband has a daughter who is 9 and she sometimes likes me and sometimes doesn’t. Like she doesn’t want me around. BM has a husband that she acts the same way with. So my husband and her talked and she suggested us all going to lunch to show that we can all get along and co parent in front of the child. Would this be a good idea really? I’ve read some pros and cons to the whole situation and I’m not sure if I think it’s a good idea or a bad idea. Any advice or tips would be appreciated

My husband constantly budgets and says it’s our money. I don’t have any children he has two how that even equal? We are married and everyone around me says the same thing. Worst thing he doesn’t even can keep a full job constantly job hopping and I am the primary provider

How do you get over being so upset you’ll never have time alone with your own kids?

Bit of a backstory- we got my SD 7, full time a few months ago. Whole bunch of drama. Mom’s not in the picture at all anymore. I’ve been with SD since she was 1 so she is comfortable with me, calls me mom and all that.

My husband and I have a BS 2. I just feel like no matter what I do I’m so resentful I can’t do anything with JUST him. I call him love bug, tell him I love him, hug him, literally anything and she’s asking why I don’t call her cute names (I call her baby and cutie so idk why she says that), has to come hug us while I’m hugging him, if he gets a snack she needs one, I tell her to go bed she literally waits until I put BS to bed- yes she gets spoken to but aside from dragging her in her room not much we can do. And the list goes on..

On top of all of this she just doesn’t listen. You tell her not to do something, like bounce a ball, she smiles and continues bouncing the ball!!!! But she’s like this with absolutely everything then throws a fit when she’s sent to her room or time out.

I feel so bad I feel like this but I’m not sure how to get over it or deal with it. I know she sees me as a mother figure, I can’t imagine how hard it is having your mom abandon you but it’s just driving me nuts and then I feel horrible on top of it.

Who wouldn’t want

•Food left out
•Food bags not shut
•Dishes not being put up
•Complaining to grandparents you don’t have healthy food when there is actually healthy food having grandparent buy food only to eat it for one day then ignore it and let it rot
•Carpet ruined
•Tile ruined
•borrowing your shoes and then losing them 5 pairs I know of birks ons and Uggs
•throwing away clothes and towels bc you don’t want to wash the the stains out you made from being careless
•throwing away clothes just bc your cleaning your room and don’t want to wash them including the $80 jeans you made your grandparents buy you not too long ago
•Cleaning a room by throwing away things people gave you including a book they let you borrow
•95% time trash and food is left in the bed nightstand and hallway
•Losing clothes and shoes hundred of dollars worth including lululemon, north face,Uggs, birks, ae, Levi’s and more
•Not following basic hygiene which causes health issues that are then demanded to be taken care of after getting back from bio mom or grandparents (in spite of health talks)
•getting sick while at grandparents or bio mom but waiting and then demanding to go to ER when you get back
•Ruining family events with these emergency health problems that were preventable
•Not taking medicine that is prescribed so the health problem happens again
•Not taking basic antibiotics or prescribed medicine and then lying about it
•Over exaggerating injuries to manipulate your coach so you don’t have to perform and then get mad later when your cut bc you can’t perform on your team
•Not using birth control….even when candid talks were had repeatedly more here I can’t say
•Not caring about other peoples time by not thinking ahead and not using the car that was given to you
•Crashing said car 4 times and then pouting when a new car isn’t a graduation gift
•Attempting to manipulate parents into new car by saying a classmate got a new car (one that is responsible)
•Getting a job to only benefit yourself and quitting 5 weeks early before a new job was in place
•Demanding hundreds of dollars of party balloons so it can be Instagram/snapchat worthy
•Not caring when people bring up responsibility and accountability and acting like it’s everyone else’s fault.

I (F33) am engaged to a single dad (M44) who has three daughters and two different BMs, one died last year from cancer and the other one is now separating from her fiancé so now we’re going from 50/50 to we’ve had all the kids full time until the 2nd BM can get her life back together.
You really never know what’s gonna happen. We’ve been together since 2020 with a break of one year in 2023.
I’m thinking about leaving. Nobody is inherently that bad. I just want a more peaceful life. I don’t have any bio children of my own.
I feel guilt if I leave because they girls have not known a stable mother figure. I’m what they have as far as that. How do you get over the guilt that you want just a partner without kids to live a life childfree. Just after time I’ve realized I’m not happy doing this anymore. Obviously they’ll all move out one day but my mental health has already tanked.

I genuinely don’t know if this is wrong or not. I have 2 SK’s and DH and I have two littles together. I’ve never gotten professional photos of my toddlers as babies so I just booked photos for them and would like to include my husband and I in some.
But I’d like to back track and mention I had posted photos of my SK’s to social media (which is private) and their mom absolutely lost her mind and took the issue to her and DH’s parenting coordinator because she all of a sudden didn’t want her children being posted on social media, despite my DH posting them to her knowledge and she had never had a problem or said a thing until I posted. So of course their PC sided with her and my DH can no longer post photos of their children even on his private social media pages.
Am I wrong for not including his kids? I feel like I’m allowed to get professional photos of my biological children and he and I included. It’s not saying I’ll never include them in the future for Christmas cards and such. I’m also not printing these pics and framing them all over our walls in our house. And I’m not spending the money to have photos sit on my phone and not be shared since his kids can’t even be posted unless an emoji is over their heads- which I will never do.

Well, cue the texts to DH. She texted DH that his family is "worried" about him (they called me his replacement wife and tried to break us up, so he stopped talking to them) and that she's "here if you ever need anyone to talk to about what's going on with you."

They've been divorced for 8 years. We've been married for over 3 years, together over 6, longer than they were ever together, but she clearly always thought she could get him back. And yes, she cheated with her cousin, then proceeded to "marry" him. Ugh.

DH didn't respond, it's just annoying.

Hi! I am currently dating someone with a child. I am 32f and he is 32 as well. His child will be turning 9 soon. We have been together for 4 years, have lived together for 1. When we first started dating, his bm created issues. Just with him, never me. However she would get physical with him almost every time he’s drop off/pick up his son. Like hair pulling, hitting, spitting. Again, she never did these things to me directly. However her doing that to him did make me feel a way! This was for the first year and a half within our relationship.

I can say that my bf has worked to amend the relationship between the 2. They have been co parenting well these last couple of years.as I mentioned, she’s never done anything to me physically, she’s said some things about me, which didn’t really affect me. I came into this relationship knowing that he has a child and all the things that come with that. Since the beginning I have been open to trying to have a relationship. But since they started arguing and she would become physical, I had no desire to develop any type of relationship at that time.

Fast forward to now. His son birthday is coming up and the mom planned a Disney trip for his 9th birthday. She invited my BF and me. At first he explained how it was going to just be her family, his son and him going, and me. I wasn’t comfortable with that. So I told him that I don’t think I want to go. Given me and her have never had an actual conversation with each other. So he told me “ok then I don’t have to go.”

(Recently all three of us showed up to his son’s assembly for his good behavior. He didn’t tell me she was gonna be there but I assumed she was because despite everything, she’s a good & supportive mother. I can admit that I was awkward. They’re having convos about their son and I’m just kinda standing there. Which I was completely ok with since this was the FIRST TIME all three of us were together. I expected it to be awkward.)

A couple weeks later he changed his mind saying that he’s going to go because his son wants him to be there. But that’s weird to me because he knew his son would’ve wanted him to go when he told me no the first time. He then proceeded to tell me “I don’t have a reason NOT to go, me and her are on good terms.” And in that moment, I became hurt.

I explained to him how he was going back on him telling me no. He questioned me if I was trying to make him choose between him and his son, which I would NEVER do. I offered how me and him could do something for his bday whenever he got back from vacation with his mom, because I would have loved that! He then proceeded to ask me if I’m always gonna have this “imaginary beef” with his bm. He mentioned that at the assembly I didn’t try to start a convo or anything and I was just standing there looking awkward. That hurt me as well because he didn’t try to bridge a conversation between the 2 of us now did he include me in the convos that they were having. I thought me showing up and supporting his son was enough….Lastly I should mention.

There was a night, 2 years ago, where him and his bm were invited to a mutual friends bday party. He told me about the party and I wasn’t pressed on him going, because I trusted him. However I asked him not to do anything that would embarrass me or make me feel a way. Long story short, I didn’t hear from him until the next morning. He told me that his bm had got into with one of his friends. I guess they started to fight but jumped in and pulled the bm away because the cops were coming and he didn’t want her to go to jail. I guess what I’m trying to say is..am I wrong for feeling weird about him going? I can say that I’m insecure because I’ll never really know what happened that night. Now they’re traveling to Disney world together for the kids bday.

Sorry this is long and I hope this makes sense!