r/overheard

I overheard my friends while we were using the urinal.

"What's your secret bro?"

"Secret?"

"The girl with the pink hair. She wants you bro. How do you keep getting like the hottest fucking girls? I know it's not the size of your dick."

"Fuck you bro."

"But seriously, what the fuck are you doing that I'm not because I'm out here starving bruv."

"I don't have any game bro, so I dunno what to tell you. I have no intentions or expectations when I approach girls, other than to have a good conversation with a person who's probably more interesting than I am."

We were washing our hands at this point...

"Good conversation with a person who happens to be hot..."

"Dude, fun fact, it's okay to just talk to girls without making your dick a supporting character."

I overheard a sex worker yelling at a guy on the street.

"Go away, kid! I don't sleep with children!"

"I'm an adult! I have proof!"

"I don't want your proof! Go home and watch porn like most boys your age!"

"I'm 22 years old, bitch!"

"Fuck off, virgin!"

I overheard two maintenance guys working on one of the elevators at my job.

Maintenance guy: It doesn't matter if you're both just in it for the pussy, if you're two guys sharing said pussy, then it's automatically somewhat gay.

Other maintenance guy: I disagree.

Maintenance guy: You can have a completely gay threesome but you can never have a completely straight threesome. Do you understand what I'm saying?

Other maintenance guy: Why you always like this bro? I was looking forward to this shit and now you're telling me it's fucking gay.

Maintenance guy: I'm not trying to discourage you. I'm trying to do the opposite. Embrace the experience for what it is and stop asking me questions if you're not mature enough to unpack the answers.

I overheard my coworkers during lunch.

Coworker A: Dude... Jennifer likes you. Everyone can see it.

Coworker B: All she does is roast me. You heard her this morning. She hated my hoodie.

Coworker A: She hated that your hoodie was salmon.

Coworker B: If it's not my salmon hoodie, it's my SpongeBob socks. Every day she goes out of her way to pick on me.

Coworker A: She wants you, bro. I'll even go as far as to say she probably wants to take off that salmon hoodie and those SpongeBob socks herself.

Coworker B: I don't know, man...

Coworker A: Bruh, if she didn't like you as much as I know she does, then she wouldn't fucking care what you wear.

Coworker B: I don't eat where I shit.

Coworker A: It's I don't shit where I eat.

Coworker B: What's the difference?

Coworker A: ???

Two dudes talking in fast food joint:

Dude 1: you hear about those people getting sick on that boat? Could be trouble again, man

Dude 2: Nah, what boat?

Dude 1: Big ocean liner, bunch a people died

Dude 2: yeah, died from what?

Dude 1: Honda virus.

Dude 2: Honda virus? Never heard of it. Gonna google it…(pulls out phone starts typing). Ok all Im seeing is like you know CRVs and shit.

Dude 1: That’s what Im talking about. CRV. That’s serious. That’s what killed Magic Johnson.

Dude 2: Really? thought only gay guys got CRV. Huh.

At Sabiha Gökçen international airport, while looking around the food court to get lunch. I'm exploring the Subway offering.

Subway isn't massive in Europe, this is a small place with one small counter and two employees, serving one client.

"I want the turkey. Yes, marinated turkey. More. Put more."

"Sir, this is the standard amount."

"I WANT MORE"

"We have a procedure, this is the standard amount, I can put more and charge you a supplement."

"That is not the standard amount! I'm American, I know what the standard subway looks like. PUT MORE!".

I felt bad for all parties involved, but when I went back for my sandwich the more senior of the two employees was laughing with him, so I guess all was good in the end.

He also facetimed his wife from the plane while we were taking off, then started doomscrolling tiktok as soon as we landed and showing fellow travellers the reels.

Interesting fella.

My friend's girlfriend's mom is a sex therapist. My friend apparently discovered this information the day before his girlfriend introduced him to her mother. My friend already told me how the meeting with the mom went, but it wouldn't be overheard if I shared what he said to me, so I'll share what I heard when him and his girlfriend eventually discussed it with my roommate. I'll be honest, I teamed up with my roommate to help me piece together everything that was said because there's no way I would've remembered all of this dialogue on my own.

Roommate: Why the fuck are we talking about gut health?

Friend: Because it's important.

Roommate: We're talking about your dick not your diet.

Friend: I never said anything about my dick though. Did anyone even hear me use the word dick until now?

Roommate: I just assumed your dick came up during your meeting with the sex therapist.

Friend: My dick never "came up" because I didn't meet a sex therapist. I met my future mother in law.

Girlfriend: Aww...

Roommate: Yeah, that's cute or whatever, but I feel like the mom being a sex therapist might have been the elephant in the room. Someone must have said something.

Friend: Said what??? Soooo I hear you get paid to tell people how to fuck? Be real bro. We had coffee and croissants. Not a therapy session. The end.

Girlfriend: Well...

Friend: Well what?

Girlfriend: She did get you to think about your gut health.

Friend: So? She said it was something she's more aware of now that she's older, but she wished she paid more attention to it when she was our age. That's not therapy. Is it?

Girlfriend: Your gut health can affect your sex drive, so knowing my mom, she was low key telling you to take care of your gut if you enjoy having sex.

Friend: I'm not saying you're wrong, but I don't think it was that deep.

Roommate: I think it was. Literally, actually.

Girlfriend: My mom was definitely dropping dick data. It wasn't just the gut health comment.

Roommate: What else?

Friend: Babe, I know you're messing with me, and it's fucking working, congratulations, so can we please change the subject because I would like to NOT think about your mom whenever sex is on the menu.

Girlfriend: Sex and food.

Roommate: Gut health bro.

Friend: Fuck you guys.

*Spaghetti Pomodoro:* Hey, Deb said you called for a referral to our lawyer. What’s going on?

*Club Salad:* Oh God. Don’t get me started. Remember, when my dad passed, my mom decided to rent the guest room.

*Spaghetti Pomodoro:* Oh God, I can see where this is going.

*Club Salad:* She got set up with a nice middle aged woman. A nursing assistant. Gainfully employed. Paid her rent on time. Checks all the boxes. But my mom’s mobility declined and she decided to sell the house and go into assisted living. She told the tenant, “Hey, at the end of the year, I’m not going to renew your lease, I’m going to sell.” She gave her six months of notice to move out.

*Spaghetti Pomodoro:* And she doesn’t, right?

*Club Salad:* Of course not. Strung her along. Promise after promise. My mom let her stay after the rent period ended because she’s too nice, and the lady said she was just looking for an affordable place. Finally I come in and tell her she needs to get going because staying in the house is not safe for my mom anymore and we have to sell so she can go to an assistance facility. The woman claims, basically, squatters rights. She’s still in there as we speak. Court could be a year. Beth and I thought about Air B&B’ing the lake house while we’re away. Not anymore. Never.

*Spaghetti Pomodoro:* I can top that, believe it or not. Inherited my aunt’s house when she passed. Didn’t have any use for it. Decided to rent it out. Hired a management company to oversee it since it was halfway across the country. Collected rent, got condition reports from the rental company, didn’t think about it for like 12 years. I get a call from the company one day “Hey your tenants want to bring a film crew in. They’re being featured on a reality show. It’s a one time deal. If you’re okay with it, we’ll handle all the paperwork.” Fast forward a few months later, the house is on Hoarders.

*Club Salad:* Hoarders?

*Spaghetti Pomodoro:* Hoarders.

*Club Salad:* No offense but how does that, like, happen?

*Spaghetti Pomodoro:* I lived far away. I worked all the time. It was supposed to be easy, passive income. I paid the management company an arm and a leg. The management company was fraudulent, basically. They didn’t really go in regularly and by the time they realized what had happened, instead of calling me, they tried to fix it themselves and hide it from me. I should’ve gone over from time to time. I’m an idiot.

Club Salad: No, I mean, if that can happen to you it can happen to anybody.

*Spaghetti Pomodoro:* Guess how it all wound up?
Club Salad: How?

*Spaghetti Pomodoro:* She still lives in there. And she’s still hoarding.

*Club Salad:* You’re kidding.

*Spaghetti Pomodoro:* I wish I was. She’s got some kind of disability status unrelated to the hoarding that makes it next to impossible to evict her. Very tenant-friendly state. If the property were here, she’d be out by now.

*Club Salad:* So what, where do you even go from there?

*Spaghetti Pomodoro:* I keep calling code enforcement and filing complaints and, as you know, I’ve got a lawyer on it. But… I don’t like letting people stay the night on my couch anymore. No renting ever again.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

Guy sitting next to me at the airport. Keep in mind it’s 9:00am.

Talking to his phone on face time with headphones on so I couldn’t hear the other party.

“Are you gonna contribute to my casino trip?”

“Yeah my mom’s gonna be f-in cooking and clean yeah my mom’s gonna be yeah. My mom’s cool though. She loves me.”

“I gotta tell ya I’m low key drunk already.”

Overheard at a cafe: A lady walked in to meet a man at a table. As she walked up, she spotted something he had, out of my view, and said far too loudly, “Oh my gosh, it’s HUGE! What am I doing‽”

Then the man pulled out a backpack. 😆

It WAS big and heavy. She then went on, “I could go to the gym with this!”