r/excatholic

In 2023, a Protestant pastor named Mike Winger was answering the question of whether or not "self pleasure" (i.e. masturbation) was a sin, in his now deleted video "Masturbation is a Christian Liberty issue?". He personally confessed to jorkin' it to relieve stress, and claimed if it's not accompanied by pornography- it's generally not a sin. Protestant and Catholic online apologists alike took reactionary approaches to call him out for being a "degenerate" and how much of a "bad teacher" he is for answering anything about edging solo NOT being a spiritual offense against the heavens.

And when I was a trad-Protestant Christian spectating these spunky shots taken at Mike- I wholeheartedly agreed with these offended Christians, and I thenceforth saw Mike Winger as a heterodox GOONER PASTOR myself. Despite myself having an addiction to jorkin' it, usually accompanied with pawrn- that I would confess to a spiritual leader almost weekly in aid of beating my habit.

I've abandoned Christianity just about a year ago now. I say that porn can be personally demeaning most of the time, to the people involved- albeit it's their choice. However addiction has more to do with brain chemistry and anxiety reduction than moral decision-making. And I can definitely say if I learned how to masturbate without the aide of pawrn, in a more tempered manner than the habits I have, with the help of Winger's shameless, heterodox stroking techniques- I would have a much healthier approach to self-pleasure. Even though the rest of Christianity's regulations on sex are severely repressive.

Looking back on this "gooning heretic called out" online situation, and recalling your church's moral stances and esteemed virtues throughout history about sex- I can definitely say Catholicism is the most repressive religion in regards to sex as an act of pleasure and masturbating. Orthodox Jews can have non-procreative sex. Sunni Muslims are technically allowed to masturbate with watermelons (yes, this is in accepted Hadith teachings). Mormons have soaking. Protestants can use birth control. But what does the Catholic Church say about your bedroom activities?

Most of it is inspired from the teachings of St. Paul, who says singleness/celibacy is "ideal" for Christians in 1 Corinthians 7, and St. Augustine- who taught all non-procreative sex for pleasure was sinful. Which led to Pope Gregory VII in the 11th Century decreeing all married priests cannot say mass, and later the church stating in Lateran II all priests must be celibate (although this is only binding on the western rite), and eventually the decree of Humanae Vitae in 1968 which prohibits all non-procreative sex AND contraceptives for Catholics. So virtually almost ALL American Catholics, those that use contraceptives, pull out, or waste seed- are committing a mortal sin which will canonically bring them into hell without penance. The only way to beat getting your spouse pregnant is via natural family planning, or beating her fertility cycle.

So in summary Catholics are walking a TIGHTROPE between grace and mortal sin- and blowing a load in the wrong place or manner will make them fall into a fiery pit forever according to their church's teachings.

And this is where I now see the heroism in figures such as Mike Winger- who admit the NT doesn't say anything about jorkin' it. And tell the Christians, that, there's nothing intrinsically wrong with a little goonin'. Let the pope edge a little at that.

So I still have to go to church, even if I’ve expressed to my parents that I’m no longer Catholic. I don’t think it was out of malice or anything, and I understand their reasonings. It’s unfair to my little siblings who overall believe but don’t want to be there. As my dad put it, “how will we get the six year old to go if his older sister can stay?”

So anyways, just wondering if y'all have any tips for surviving. I get really anxious in church for some reason. Typically excuse myself to the bathroom so I can have a breather.

I don’t even know how to describe the feeling I get in church. Restless, fidgeting, a worming in my stomach. Sometimes I zone out and realize I’ve been scratching my arm raw/digging my nails into my skin. My mom dislikes it.

Not sure if this is the right group to be asking, but I’m out of options…

I’m a non-practicing catholic, nor is it a religion I was born into. However, I received a HUGE JOB OFFER for a new Catholic school that is opening, and they have offered me a great opportunity.

With that being said, this school needs me to have my sacraments done in order to work there.. is there any way around this?

The chairman has told me that it needs to be done in order to hire me, adding on, I would need to have an OCIA done? I’m not even sure.. I need a way around this. Despite not being Catholic I do believe in higher power, and I have turned to God many times, but doing the whole sacraments isn’t something I can do.. I say this because with my culture and the religion I was born into, my father is still head of house (no matter at what age I am— and I am a single woman)

I need guidance on this…

I was raised in non religious household and left Catholicism early.

Through my life, I have been in multiple relationships with men from different religious backgrounds; atheists, muslims, and catholics.

So far the Catholic one surprisingly was the most toxic, obsessed with religion, and misogynistic I have ever met. I dumbed him two days ago after months long conversations about him trying to convert me to the religion of so called “love”. I was shocked to see how much he was insistent on me becoming catholic it was suffocating. He was a control freak saying women should obey and submit?!

I stayed because I thought he did all that because he loved me and wanted to find common ground. But it became excessive and I had to leave to save my sanity. Never again.

Sorry for the boring post but I think I needed to get this off my chest.

These spots claim they’re all welcoming but these groups are the most lookist, they’re cheat codes for attractive guys cause they can prey on ugly guys who can’t find community elsewhere

I’m not entirely sure exactly what might start pouring out as I write this, and I’m not even entirely sure exactly how I feel about what’s on my mind. However, I clearly feel moved/affected enough to write something, so here goes…

Some context first - I was brought up Catholic, but gave up going to mass regularly in my early teens; probably around 13/14 or perhaps even slightly earlier than that. I’m now 40 and can count on the fingers of one hand how many times I’ve been back since those days, and those occasions have usually been funerals (sadly) or a couple of times when I’ve taken a notion to attend a service for curiosity’s sake.

I’m a non-believer and don’t even consider myself ‘spiritual’ (I’m not even entirely sure what people really mean when they say that, although that’s not intended as a criticism.)

My Dad is a very intelligent, kind and gentle man but also very devoutly Roman Catholic. However, in total fairness, he never really forced the issue even when I rebelled against it as a teenager. He doesn’t tend to be outwardly ‘preachy’ and although he wears his faith on his sleeve, he’s not dogmatic or pushy. He’s actually fairly left/liberal politically and open minded (which, again, seems at odds with the RC Church but whatever!)

He’s also, unfortunately, currently undergoing chemotherapy for a recurrence of cancer. It’s the same type of cancer that my Mum died from almost 9 years ago, although hopefully my Dad’s prospects are looking better (it was caught early.)

I live in another city, a few hours away from Dad, but today I was back ‘home’ visiting him. We do have a pretty strong relationship and it’s always great to spend time with him; as previously said, he’s a learned, intelligent man and is great company. However, he wanted to pop into ‘confession’ in a nearby church while we were together - fine by me, as I know it means a great deal to him even though I hate it. He did ask if I wanted to come in and sit and pray while he was in the booth but I politely declined. He then said something he’s never said before; “hopefully one day you’ll come back to it.” It wasn’t said in a dogmatic or pushy way, in fact it was more wistful/sad than anything. I didn’t really respond… mainly because I didn’t know how, and also didn’t really feel it necessary.

I sat outside and enjoyed the sunshine while he was in church, and once confession was done we continued our walk/catch-up. A little later on, he was talking about ‘The Exorcist’ (not a movie I’ve seen or have any interest in seeing, but it came up because we popped into an entertainment store and it was one of the DVDs in the horror section.) He told me he saw it at the cinema on release and said he’d never watch it again as he found it so scary/disturbing because it’s based on “true events” (apparently?) and “can happen in real life unlike fantasy horror like Freddie Krueger or whatever.” I didn’t really respond; again, I didn’t know how! He also mentioned about ‘the devil being real’ and how a Monseigneur who used to be at our local parish back in the day had said “We’re safe from the devil as he’s always chained up on a leash; he can never reach us, but we can approach him.” Again… no real response from me, because… what am I supposed to say to that?

I guess, having typed that all out (and apologies for the length of this post), my main feeling is one of being a bit ‘troubled’ by it all. I’m firm in my lack of belief… and yet… there’s still that nagging bit of ‘Catholic guilt’ or whatever you’d call it. Objectively it’s utterly ridiculous and I don’t believe a word of it but I guess the church still somehow manages to exert some low-level bit of mind control, albeit remotely.

I dunno why I shared this or if it’s even a good idea to share… but I’m a mix of emotions right now and just needed to unburden with some people who hopefully can relate and understand. Is that you?

Entire masses dedicated to praying to her. Statues of her everywhere you looked. Maybe it was different in other churches, but I grew up in a majority Mexican American community , so the emphasis on Mary was heavy. [Our Lady of Guadalupe](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Our\_Lady\_of\_Guadalupe) was basically a whole thing.

They’d always hit you with the ‘we venerate, we don’t worship’ distinction. Cool. But when you’ve got dedicated services, statues on every wall, and a feast day that hits different than most , the line starts to blur real fast.

Anyone else grow up in a community where the Mary focus was especially strong?

I remember they’d tell us not to “get involved” with any politics that either politician was discussing . They’d tell us to focus on their “morals” with the main big one being if the person running was pro life or not. That this was the one indicative factor of who should become president .

As an adult I realize that wasn’t about morality. If it was genuinely about morality you’d think feeding the poor, housing the homeless, or how a candidate treats the vulnerable would factor in somewhere. But none of that came up. Just abortion. Every time.

i hate Catholicism but i love it at the same time. i was baptized catholic, i was confirmed, i take my faith seriously, but there’s a lot of struggle when it comes to being catholic and interacting with other catholics. some think homosexuality is a sin, which i completely disagree with. i got banned from a site for saying homosexuality is not a sin and its okay. i go against what the church teaches and i feel left out for it.

i want to believe but why would god even say homosexuality is a sin if god loves love? it makes no sense. i also tried to confess to a priest and he immediately asked me if i took birth control and said it was a sin for me to do take birth control. im confused, angry, and not wanting to buy into a church that is OK with pedophilia but not homosexuality. or transexuals. i cannot. lol

I would appreciate if you read about problems that I have for around 5 years already after having deep deconstruction from catholicism.

As a young person, I clearly see that I belong to nowhere but I should. Everyone are someone, something. Everyone seems to belong to some sort of culture or subculture and they live it, 100%.

Me on the other hand, I am in a limbo of nothingness.

As a deeply morally concerned and philosophically inclined person by nature, I immersed myself into philosophy after deconstruction because I needed a path forward, I needed answers, meaning. I am not type of person who can be satisfied with "just doing what I like", I just cannot see meaning in those kinds of advices.

So now I am not part of the church nor the catholic ontological construct, theology. But neither am I part of the "world". I'm not "worldly enough" to immerse myself into usual hobbies, interests or subcultures becasue I simply don't see meaning that would satisfy me there.

For example, I started to engage more with music, art, fashion, etc. but there is this internal brake that prevents me from actually being honestly interested in that as others are. Others seem to be much more knowledgable, interested and "advanced" in that sense. They are able to discover every tiny detail of their favourite band. I'm not. I'm just not that interested in anything. Girls my age or even much younger tend to know every single thing about make up, their hobbies, movies, series, their college major, etc.

I simply rot in this limbo of "the middle nothing".

I can't choose side.

Thank you if you read this and I appreciate all the answers!

If so, DM me with 1-2 sentences on what you would like to discuss and which day of the week is best for you. If you have questions, naturally DM me them too.

A recent post on this sub got me thinking about my own experience growing up in a big Catholic family, and while I've gotten to a point where I'm confident and comfortable with my place in life, I know in my late teens and early 20s there was a lot of struggle trying to process all of this.

Maybe you're going through that right now, and if so, it does get better! But it's probably not going to happen overnight, and that's okay.

For me, I grew up in your classic Catholic big family. Lots of siblings, big extended family, big family gatherings, and finding the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding hilarious at how similar it was to my real life family.

When I got into my late teens, after high school I realized that I didn't actually know who I was. For my whole life, my last name was arguably more important than my first name, and while it's awesome that my family still pitches in and works together, that dynamic was a double edged sword that resulted in me not developing my own individuality.

Going to parties in high school? That's for secular, worldly people. Dating? Well, you only date for marriage, and none of these girls are good Catholic girls. How about hobbies? Well, we have work to do, and we all have to pitch in.

When I realized I had lost my faith around 19 or 20, I always realized that I never had viewed myself as an individual, just a part of the collective, and that mindset did me a great disservice imo. (To be fair a lot of this is just part of growing up also, but the Catholic spin on it is definitely something that I haven't seen a lot of other people experience)

I was 20 and I realized that I didn't know how to talk to girls, I didn't know how to go out and enjoy life, I didn't know how to "hang out", and the concept of doing things purely for fun just didn't make sense. What I wanted to do, and what my goals for life as always like #6 or #7 on the list of priorities in my mind for deciding things. What had to get done, what was the right thing to do, what's good for the family, those always came first.

Years later, in all honesty, I still do that a good amount, because well, stuff had to get done, and life isn't all about you, but I've grown enough now to realize how weird my mindset then was, and how unhealthy going too far in that direction is.

Maybe you've had the same experience, maybe not. If this sounds similar to your situation though, and you're struggling, hey, it'll get better.