Belonging neither to the church nor to the "world", I am nowhere
I would appreciate if you read about problems that I have for around 5 years already after having deep deconstruction from catholicism.
As a young person, I clearly see that I belong to nowhere but I should. Everyone are someone, something. Everyone seems to belong to some sort of culture or subculture and they live it, 100%.
Me on the other hand, I am in a limbo of nothingness.
As a deeply morally concerned and philosophically inclined person by nature, I immersed myself into philosophy after deconstruction because I needed a path forward, I needed answers, meaning. I am not type of person who can be satisfied with "just doing what I like", I just cannot see meaning in those kinds of advices.
So now I am not part of the church nor the catholic ontological construct, theology. But neither am I part of the "world". I'm not "worldly enough" to immerse myself into usual hobbies, interests or subcultures becasue I simply don't see meaning that would satisfy me there.
For example, I started to engage more with music, art, fashion, etc. but there is this internal brake that prevents me from actually being honestly interested in that as others are. Others seem to be much more knowledgable, interested and "advanced" in that sense. They are able to discover every tiny detail of their favourite band. I'm not. I'm just not that interested in anything. Girls my age or even much younger tend to know every single thing about make up, their hobbies, movies, series, their college major, etc.
I simply rot in this limbo of "the middle nothing".
I can't choose side.
Thank you if you read this and I appreciate all the answers!