My very devout father
I’m not entirely sure exactly what might start pouring out as I write this, and I’m not even entirely sure exactly how I feel about what’s on my mind. However, I clearly feel moved/affected enough to write something, so here goes…
Some context first - I was brought up Catholic, but gave up going to mass regularly in my early teens; probably around 13/14 or perhaps even slightly earlier than that. I’m now 40 and can count on the fingers of one hand how many times I’ve been back since those days, and those occasions have usually been funerals (sadly) or a couple of times when I’ve taken a notion to attend a service for curiosity’s sake.
I’m a non-believer and don’t even consider myself ‘spiritual’ (I’m not even entirely sure what people really mean when they say that, although that’s not intended as a criticism.)
My Dad is a very intelligent, kind and gentle man but also very devoutly Roman Catholic. However, in total fairness, he never really forced the issue even when I rebelled against it as a teenager. He doesn’t tend to be outwardly ‘preachy’ and although he wears his faith on his sleeve, he’s not dogmatic or pushy. He’s actually fairly left/liberal politically and open minded (which, again, seems at odds with the RC Church but whatever!)
He’s also, unfortunately, currently undergoing chemotherapy for a recurrence of cancer. It’s the same type of cancer that my Mum died from almost 9 years ago, although hopefully my Dad’s prospects are looking better (it was caught early.)
I live in another city, a few hours away from Dad, but today I was back ‘home’ visiting him. We do have a pretty strong relationship and it’s always great to spend time with him; as previously said, he’s a learned, intelligent man and is great company. However, he wanted to pop into ‘confession’ in a nearby church while we were together - fine by me, as I know it means a great deal to him even though I hate it. He did ask if I wanted to come in and sit and pray while he was in the booth but I politely declined. He then said something he’s never said before; “hopefully one day you’ll come back to it.” It wasn’t said in a dogmatic or pushy way, in fact it was more wistful/sad than anything. I didn’t really respond… mainly because I didn’t know how, and also didn’t really feel it necessary.
I sat outside and enjoyed the sunshine while he was in church, and once confession was done we continued our walk/catch-up. A little later on, he was talking about ‘The Exorcist’ (not a movie I’ve seen or have any interest in seeing, but it came up because we popped into an entertainment store and it was one of the DVDs in the horror section.) He told me he saw it at the cinema on release and said he’d never watch it again as he found it so scary/disturbing because it’s based on “true events” (apparently?) and “can happen in real life unlike fantasy horror like Freddie Krueger or whatever.” I didn’t really respond; again, I didn’t know how! He also mentioned about ‘the devil being real’ and how a Monseigneur who used to be at our local parish back in the day had said “We’re safe from the devil as he’s always chained up on a leash; he can never reach us, but we can approach him.” Again… no real response from me, because… what am I supposed to say to that?
I guess, having typed that all out (and apologies for the length of this post), my main feeling is one of being a bit ‘troubled’ by it all. I’m firm in my lack of belief… and yet… there’s still that nagging bit of ‘Catholic guilt’ or whatever you’d call it. Objectively it’s utterly ridiculous and I don’t believe a word of it but I guess the church still somehow manages to exert some low-level bit of mind control, albeit remotely.
I dunno why I shared this or if it’s even a good idea to share… but I’m a mix of emotions right now and just needed to unburden with some people who hopefully can relate and understand. Is that you?