Growing up in a big family - Collectivist vs Individualism
A recent post on this sub got me thinking about my own experience growing up in a big Catholic family, and while I've gotten to a point where I'm confident and comfortable with my place in life, I know in my late teens and early 20s there was a lot of struggle trying to process all of this.
Maybe you're going through that right now, and if so, it does get better! But it's probably not going to happen overnight, and that's okay.
For me, I grew up in your classic Catholic big family. Lots of siblings, big extended family, big family gatherings, and finding the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding hilarious at how similar it was to my real life family.
When I got into my late teens, after high school I realized that I didn't actually know who I was. For my whole life, my last name was arguably more important than my first name, and while it's awesome that my family still pitches in and works together, that dynamic was a double edged sword that resulted in me not developing my own individuality.
Going to parties in high school? That's for secular, worldly people. Dating? Well, you only date for marriage, and none of these girls are good Catholic girls. How about hobbies? Well, we have work to do, and we all have to pitch in.
When I realized I had lost my faith around 19 or 20, I always realized that I never had viewed myself as an individual, just a part of the collective, and that mindset did me a great disservice imo. (To be fair a lot of this is just part of growing up also, but the Catholic spin on it is definitely something that I haven't seen a lot of other people experience)
I was 20 and I realized that I didn't know how to talk to girls, I didn't know how to go out and enjoy life, I didn't know how to "hang out", and the concept of doing things purely for fun just didn't make sense. What I wanted to do, and what my goals for life as always like #6 or #7 on the list of priorities in my mind for deciding things. What had to get done, what was the right thing to do, what's good for the family, those always came first.
Years later, in all honesty, I still do that a good amount, because well, stuff had to get done, and life isn't all about you, but I've grown enough now to realize how weird my mindset then was, and how unhealthy going too far in that direction is.
Maybe you've had the same experience, maybe not. If this sounds similar to your situation though, and you're struggling, hey, it'll get better.