r/etiquette

I (F57) have a friend (F57) who moved closer to me three years ago, a two-hour drive away. She and her man really enjoy hosting dinners and inviting friends (2-4). We all enjoy our cocktails, particularly wine (this is important). I always offer to bring an appetizer or a dessert or some part of the meal and she always accepts. I always bring an enormous amount of whatever I make.

Here is my dilemma: I can bring a bottle of wine or two bottles of wine, but they are always the first opened and the first consumed very quickly. Following that, it is hit or miss whether anything else will be offered. I have been there where the male host makes himself a drink or opens a beer and does not offer to anyone else. I have been there where glasses are empty for perhaps up to an hour. I have been there where the event loses steam because no more libations are shared whatsoever. And this only happens at their home. At other homes, they will keep drinking if there is a supply.

They have a wine rack with bottles and I have asked if we can open one, but I hate doing that.  I think I'm pretty old fashioned in the rules of hosting a party and that you should have on hand plenty of everything. When I asked what I could bring, if you didn't tell me to bring beverages, I am expecting you to provide beverages, particularly if I am driving 2 hours.

This dilemma could benefit from a little more background as well. I have hosted this couple for three-day weekends at my home on three different occasions. Knowing how much wine they consume, each time, I kid you not, I have had over 20 bottles of wine in my mini fridge for five people over three days. They will eagerly drink as much as is available.

This couple does not bring anything into the house when they arrive. Each and every long weekend they've been here, when I finally do run out of wine, they might bring something in from their car that they have not shared prior. So essentially I know that they are both stingy, and if they can get away with not sharing their stash, they will.     

I know that you are going to ask me why I keep doing this to myself. My girlfriend has been my girlfriend since we were 8 years old, almost 50 years. I love her desperately even though she is not perfect. I also blame her man way more than her.

I really want to stay polite. I desperately want to stay a class act. Does anyone out there have any really clever yet classy ways of dealing with this? If I'm going to be at their house for four to five hours, I would like to always know that I can have some wine in my glass when I want it and I resent having to supply more than two bottles JUST so I can have enough. (I have tried the “fill my glass in the car" tactic, but I don’t want to outdrink everyone else.)

Thank you everybody in advance!

EDIT: These are overnight events. When there is this much alcohol, no one drives. And my husband doesn't like the dude, so skips the event 90% of the time. It's just me.

I'm frequently in the situation where I buy two tickets for a movie or show, make plans with this friend to go together, and then she flakes on me last minute.

In that case I try not to let the ticket go to waste and search for someone else to go with. I'm equally as happy to see any of these people (and take care to sound the part in my message), but yeah, when I invite people out the day of or the day before, it's clear that I initially made plans with someone else. The chances that anyone says yes are very slim anyway; people are busy. But I think it's worth a shot.

Recently, when I went out with this friend a while afterwards and talked about the situation, she told me it's insulting to invite people last minute after someone else had flaked on me, as it suggests I wouldn't have chosen to spend time with them otherwise. (Which is not the case, because I do make plans with these people as a first choice regularly.) The fact that this is coming from the very person who had flaked on me is more than a little aggravating. I do see her point, though.

In that case, is going alone the only polite or honourable thing to do? I already go out alone all the time, mind, so I don't have a huge problem with it, but it does kinda spoil my evening to find out it will be a solo night yet again.

TL;DR: I want to do what's good for my kids but I also don't want to create more stress for myself and kids as we are trying to declutter, but still want them to have the "class birthday party" experience. Is there a way to have all 3????

We're planning a "half-birthday" party for my 7 yo girl and 4 yo twins in June. (1). Since we are trying to live more simply, trying to teach gratitude, and desperately trying to declutter our house/teach the kids how to keep things clean (which means having less things), what I REALLY want to do is tell people that the focus is on a fun, giant party, not gifts, and if they really feel like they need to bring a gift, please no "stuff," ESPECIALLY expensive stuff - get clothing, "experience" gifts like a gift card to the science museum, activities, or something small and inexpensive if you really MUST bring a gift. But obviously it's not ok to presume people will bring gifts, and definitely not ok to tell them what TO bring. (I've read multiple threads on this topic but still don't know what to do.)

But I see all the extra "stuff" (and at times expensive stuff!) kids these age bring to each other's parties, and we have too much, not to mention the expense factor, for stuff I will likely just have to donate.

One kid - I could probably handle it, write the thank you's, do the whole thing. But our situation doesn't allow for 3 separate parties (and how is it ok that twins always have to share a party but their sister gets her own?)
But I DEFINITELY don't want anyone to feel like they would have to/should bring THREE gifts for all three kids, that's totally crazy. (And yet it has happened - see 2)

Are my only polite options REALLY just to:
A. Have separate parties, deal with the thank-you's and donations and kids melting down that they have to get rid of things.
B. Somehow dis-incentivize gift bringing (which created its own problems last year), and actually make my kids host a birthday party and get no presents after watching at least 7 classmates get a gift from every person? (I feel like a 7 year old is not going to handle that concept well and will have the opposite intent of the entire thing I'm trying to accomplish.)
C. NOT have a party where they get to invite their whole class, which is how I grew up and what I'm trying to avoid in the first place?

I feel like when I was a kid I got the equivalent of today's $5-10 gifts. Kids at the parties we've been going to all year are getting gifts at least in the $20-30 range, and I feel like it's crazy BUT want my kids to have the memory/fun of a big fun party.

Please be kind: I have ADHD and am aware that my thought processes frequently leave gaping holes in my perception - that's precisely why I'm asking for help.
So I'll repeat the initial question: I want to do what's good for my kids but I also don't want to create more stress for myself and kids as we are trying to declutter, but still want them to have the "class birthday party" experience. Is there a way to have all 3????

Other explanation:

1. Their birthdays are in December - we do a small party with family in December, one for her, one for the boys, but I want them to be able to have the "big party" experience that I never got because my parents couldn't afford it. We can't afford to rent a big enough party place in December, not to mention we did that once (my MIL paid for it) and only 3 people out of her class came because December is so damn busy. The solution here (we hope) is to have a giant party where the focus is on exactly that - the party. The fun. The laughter. The memory. Doing this for one kid, or 2 kids because twins never get their "own" party, was weird, so we decided to go for all 3.
2. Again - the rudeness of presuming. We go to the private school in town and I know for a fact that at least a few people felt awkward coming but only bringing a gift for the child they knew. One mom I talked to quite a bit; she told me felt bad NOT bringing a gift (I used the "your presence is the only present we need!" line on the invitation that year) for all 3, so I KNOW that sentiment exists, and I don't want people to not come because of damn stuff that we don't need more of!

My friend invited me to her college graduation party. We met briefly in December (through a mutual friend), have hung out once, and text occasionally (like once or twice a month).

Are gifts usually expected at graduation parties? Would bringing a card with a handwritten note be okay? If not, I'm thinking of baking cookies.

I would do more if I could, but I'm still in college and pretty broke.

Hello! I live in the US for 8 years now, originally from the middle east. In my culture and country, it is very normal that when you come to visit a family that just had a baby you DO NOT come empty handed. All of our friends nearby (came from the same place) showed up with either a gift or food which was such a blessing and I was so so grateful. Now, we have 2 couples of American friends (with kids!) they came to visit (not for the first time) and of course, again, in my culture, when people come over you host them properly (food etc). They are aware of our hosting style. They issue is that they came completely EMPTY HANDED! which is just beyond to me. I really don't understand that! Especially that for one of them, when they had a baby we brought some food and a gift card and also recently they had a 1 YO party for him and we again brought a present! Is this this behavior common within American culture? I am seriously asking. Very grateful to live here BTW, i just cant wrap my head around such a thing but maybe its a classic case of a cultural difference?

Off the bat, I don't usually mind water usage. It's a part of daily life so I don't try to penny-pinch when it comes to water.

However, we have a guest staying with us (two people, plus her makes three) in our fairly small apartment. There is only one bathroom. She is a longtime friend but she is very shy and often quick to submit and apologize profusely (I don't want this and I really don't like being the main one enforcing rules while she's around). She takes her beauty regiment very seriously, which I support (I also take mine seriously but I tend to keep my showers to around 30 minutes maximum and 2-3 times a week). However, she takes showers every single day and they are all about an hour or longer. It's very disruptive, to be completely frank. Others need to use the restroom or even shower. I don't know why they take so long and it isn't really my business.

However, it's starting to get to me just because it feels very rude. At the very least I would like her to ask if anyone needs to use the restroom before she occupies it for an hour+. But even still I would prefer she not shower every day and would prefer she keep it on the shorter side. I wouldn't even mind 30 minutes or 40 minutes. But these are about an hour or longer.

I suppose I have two questions. 1. Is this actually abnormal/rude of her? and 2. How do I bring this up in a polite way where I nor she feels like I am scolding her but I can also get the message across?

edit: to be clear she's staying for a month, does not work out or really build up a sweat, is not naturally oily, etc. etc. and really it's the hour or longer showers that bother me less so than the daily element.

My stepdaughter and I are very close and she is getting married soon. I am bringing a plus one to the wedding who is a very good friend mainly for moral support since my ex-husband and in-laws will of course be there.

My stepdaughter told me that she wants me seated upfront with other close members of her family during the wedding and asked if it would be OK if my plus one was seated elsewhere because apparently there’s not enough room for us both. I told her that I was honored that she wanted me upfront, but I would prefer to sit with my friend. I think it’s rude for an usher to take me up to the front and seat my friend elsewhere.

She really wants me to be upfront so I think now she’s moving people around to make that happen so that my friend can sit with me. I don’t want to cause any problems so should I tell her it’s fine for me to be separated from my friend during the wedding? I feel a little bad for my friend because she isn’t going to know anyone else there.

my family practices a different faith, but I respect the intention and how difficult it is to be vulnerable and invite people you don’t know welll. I would be ok with my kid attending an occasional activity, but they don’t want to. Any thoughts?

I live in a largely Christian country where, when starting all kinds of meetings, it's expected to begin with a prayer.

What would be the politely way to handle this as an atheist without causing unnecessary attention?

It is worth noting that, it's truly unusual to be an atheist here; almost everyone is supposedly religious. Stating that I'm non-religious or an atheist, starts endless questions I’ve no interesting in answering.

P.S. I should have given more specific examples.

1. When I am the chair of the meeting: I am expected to pray most of the time or to bring it up (i.e. ask someone to do so), which I'm uncomfortable with.

2. When I'm not the chair: Sometimes I am directly asked to pray. This is because most people assume I'm a Christian (in fact, some say I have demeanour of a pastor, which is obviously a compliment). So, the expected response to request is for me to glady pray.

We are throwing a retirement party for my mother, who spent 30 years as a nurse for the same practice. We're planning a pretty casual party, 4pm on a Saturday at a hall. I'm struggling with how to address her coworkers' invitations. I don't actually care if they bring spouses, but I don't know spouses' names to include on the invitations. And I suspect they may even feel more comfortable dropping by solo so wouldn't want them to feel obligated to bring a spouse. What's the right way to handle this?

I’ve noticed that being on time, communicating respectfully, and being mindful of other people’s time can strongly affect first impressions in workplaces and social settings. Do you think punctuality is still one of the most important etiquette habits today, or are there other behaviors that matter more?

This is for a party of 4. 2 of us arrived 5 minutes after we said we expected to arrive, which was 5 minutes after the restaurant opened. We texted the update, like "Be there in a couple minutes." They did say they would sit down if they got there first and we knew they got there first. The restaurant was already pretty full.

We walked around the restaurant to look for the table. They had already gotten a table and left the table to fill their plates. So after we couldn't find the table because they weren't at it, we had to go to the buffet and ask them where the table was.

In addition, this is an all you can eat or a pick from the menu restaurant and their policy is if one person gets all you can eat, everyone has to, which is the most expensive option, that I wasn't planning on getting.

The haircut price is $65, which already gives me pause, as my income doesn't keep pace with inflation. (When I started with this stylist, it was $30.) I am not saying he's not worth it, just that it's a lot for me. Would a $10 tip (about 15%) be OK?

Suppose I'm checking out of my hotel room, the housekeepers have done a good job, and I realize I have absolutely no cash on me.

It is acceptable to leave a little note with my phone number and "text me with your Venmo or PayPal info so I can tip?" Or something to that effect?

Hi everyone. I’m organizing a dinner with four couples and reached out to ask all of the wives for their availability. So far everyone has given actual dates, except one of the wives, who stated, “we’ll be in and out of town over the next few weeks. You all pick a date and we’ll see if we can drop in.” I want everyone to attend, so I’m happy to pick a date that works for everyone, and I’m not sure how to respond to this. When I pressed again for their availability, she reiterated that she really couldn’t say. Should I leave this alone and assume they’re uninterested, or rearrange the dinner to fit their schedule once we select a date? Proposed responses are very much appreciated!

Edit: thanks to most of you. I picked a date and she and her husband are fortunately able to make it. Appreciate the comments.

I have a friend from college who I've remained close to who has an upcoming baby shower. Like everyone else in our generation we've had a delayed start in terms of marriage and children. We're all white collar professionals (in different fields) and settled in our careers at this point, so I can afford to spend without anxiety.

This is not the first baby shower I've attended but my usual habit has been to imediately purchase essential items such as strollers and car seats. Due to that, they also tended to be the most expensive. In this case, they were the highest cost items with everything else being <$100. My friend joked that I was being too generous and they had to add more items to the registry for other people.

However, that let me to wonder if that wasn't entirely in good natured humor. I like to believe I'm being altruistic but I would lie if it doesn't give me some satisfaction knowing I can treat people. That said am I making things uncomfortable by not giving other people like immediate family (siblings, parents) a chance to go first?

My partner has a friend from college that he speaks to a few times a year. Last week we received a high school graduation announcement for his friend's son. We see him maybe once every five years.

I feel obliged to send a graduation card and cash but I'm not sure how much to send. What is expected? I also find it odd as we didn't receive announcements for his older sisters when they graduated high school. We also haven't received announcements for any of his other friends' children. It's a bit odd to me but if this is their version of a GoFundme so be it I guess?

Planning to host a BIG 21st birthday party on a boat and looking at a guest list of around 100 people!

While it is exciting as you can imagine the cost is A-LOT and will take a huge hit on my bank account if I’m the only one who pays for it.

While I understand as a host I should not ask guest to help chip in but in this economy and while also trying to save up for a house deposit if I don’t ask for help the party will likely not happen ….

So what I’m thinking is that I’m more than happy to pay for the ENTIRE boat (hourly rate / staff / cutlery ect) which would cost around $3000 however in the invitation that I will send out (so there is no shock) I will be asking guest to pay $25 each to cover all the food and drinks needed for the party.

The invite would sound roughly like this -
“Hey all I’m hosting a massive boat party for 21 that you’re invited too! If you’re free please let me know so I can add you onto the guest list. There is also a $25 fee that will ONLY be used towards the food and drinks needed on board that will need to be paid prior to being added to the guest list. Very excited to see you on board!”

If you received that invitation from a friend would you consider it rude? Or is the fee pretty small and you wouldn’t mind

Any help or feedback would be SO helpful

A friend and I are attending each others weddings, about a month apart. Would it be weird to ask if they’re cool not doing gifts? I’m imagining giving them cash and them giving us the same cash back and it seems like a waste of time 😂 tell me if it would be awful or too awkward

im (25f) going to a bookclub/social club for the first time. the host said not to bring anything.
however

1. i was taught to never show up empty handed
2. im vegan but im pretty sure the host doesn’t know

would it be rude if i bring vegan cookies or a cake? or anything else since i feel weird not bringing anything.
the group is (mostly) middle aged women ive never met (except one who isnt the host).

UPDATE:
i sent her a message telling her im vegan and asking if i should bring anything vegan friendly. turns out shes also vegan 😂. Thanks for all the help 🫶