r/eldercare

I hate the title because I HATE the thought of forcing anyone to do anything. I (26F) have a great grandmother (95F) who has been of incredible health forever. It wasn’t until recently she got sick and just never fully recovered. Went from walking fine, cooking and cleaning, to barely being able to walk and needing a walker. She has seen and is seeing her doctor and we’re getting the help she needs. However, this post is majorly about her incontinence issues. This woman is my best friend and has been my guardian parent for most of my life. I would do anything for her. But she won’t listen to me and she won’t let me help… She wears her diapers to bed (her bed is also lined with waterproof fitted sheet and a shower curtain underneath another fitted sheet in case of accidents) but refuses to put the diapers on through the day. So, I ask her periodically if she has to go to the bathroom and she says no, she’ll go when she needs to. Later, when I notice she needs to go to the bathroom (leg bouncing, rocking back and forth) I’ll tell her to go before it’s too late, to which she’ll either say no or shoot a dirty look over… eventually, a lot of times she will go on herself and now I have a lot of work to do involving cleaning the couch and her clothing. She doesn’t tell me when it happens so if I don’t notice or ask she will hide her dirty clothes in a corner somewhere! It’s ridiculous and I’m getting frustrated when I really don’t want to be. She says she doesn’t need the diapers in the day and refuses to put them on. I wish she would realize it creates so much more work for the both of us. I just don’t know how to force a grown woman to put on a diaper without damaging our relationship or hurting her dignity.

She stays clean because I stay on top of it and constantly am monitoring and telling her to go to the bathroom and doing her bedding. But we shouldn’t have to go through this every day. Sometimes it’s a discussion that lasts an hour about “I know you CAN make it to the bathroom but we both know there’s a chance you won’t. It’s just insurance, I don’t think you’re incompetent at all”

Don’t even get me started on the 2 hour long argument it takes for me to get her in bed before 3am… I spend most of my time arguing with her because I don’t know how to force her to listen to what’s best for her.

Sorry in advance, I’m so new to caregiving.

ONE MORE THING! If any of you have any sweet grandparents (preferably 90+) who can use Facebook and you also think they could use a friend, message me! We can do it discreetly so they don’t feel like we set them up lol. I just want my grandma to have a friend her age so that she has someone to talk to about this stuff with someone who gets it. She’s very depressed and coping with losing her independence.

This was my experience with this facility.

If you are considering placing a loved one in this facility, please do more research first. I would not recommend placing any loved ones in the care of this facility. Residents care quality always has fallen on deaf ears. The food department is horrifying. meals would come extremely cold. meals would also make residents and their staffing sick. Their employees have inappropriate relations. This establishment also likes to hire relatives everyone in some way is related. They hire employees that make residents feel uncomfortable. This facilities management team is unprofessional. The staffing makes Jokes about diseases, sicknesses, bodily injuries when residents are quarantined or in bad shape. Even though there are a few good employees that work hard and do a great job. It doesn't make up for how horrible this facility is. The workers here cause a lot of drama. They make their employees feel like they aren't enough. All of their departments slacks along with their employees having clicks in this facility which makes a lot of their employees feel disengaged with themselves and the facility. The pay is not enough to deal with all the problems that are going on behind closed doors. The facility had left other shifts out when it came to holidays or parties. They allow certain shifts to be late every day. Some staff sleep on the job. They have unprofessionalism when it comes to giving reports and negative feedback about one’s wrong doings. The Nurses and RAs are constantly on their cellular Devices every time I visit. The facility falls short on fixing flooring, railings, lights, ceiling Pannels, furniture, and television issues. The pay is very little to work in these conditions. These are the reasons why no one is willing to work at this facility. These issues are also the reasons behind them having to have agency more in this facility. So please I do not recommend placing loved ones here. I do not recommend being employed here. Hopefully this helps with anyone interested in this place….

Hi friends, I usually post about my dad but now I'm having an issue with my mom.

Most of my life my mom was the nicest, most chill person ever. Like she would tell me to settle down when I got goad rage. She could always just roll with the punches. I was kind of a fup for a while when I was younger and she only got actually mad once. It was the worst time to do it because my legs literally were not working (it was psychological and strange) and it was the one time she put her foot down and said I was on my own. The hospital put me in a cab who literally dumped me in the gutter at a homeless shelter downtown at 11pm when they don't even take anyone in. Anyway just funny the one time I really was in trouble she abandoned me and chose that time to not. I straightened myself out.

But otherwise she was always positive and happy. Even though I know my brother is the favorite she didn't show it much. I was her first she just loved me a different way. Ok no more stories just know she was happy 99% of the time, except when my grandparents died and even then she was strong for us and dealt with it with a strong front.

But now. For the last couple of months, she is just angry all the time. More angry than I've seen anyone. I am disabled and live with her to help her out as well as helping me. It's literally walking on eggshells. You say something she can't hear, it's a 2 hour ordeal about how we don't respect her and we know she can't hear as well anymore.

If we're just talking she gets extremely angry if something confuses her and she accuses me of being confused and not speaking right and not making sense. Like I'll say "i was talking to Jenny and she..." and she'll get super nasty and say "who's she? I'm worried about you, you don't think right, how am i supposed to know who she is". Like she knows who Jenny is just using she throws her off even in the same sentence mom doesn't remember those words correlate.

If you start talking at the same time it's a half a day about how she's just going to move on her own because she's not allowed to speak in her own house. If you try and reason with her it just ramps up the anger to 1000. She watches and criticizes everything I eat and drink. I'm not overweight but used to be but I have several health problems (unrelated) and my doctor is fine with my diet. She has never ever been violent but two times in the last week I flinched and spilled a drink I was holding because she got so frustrated i honestly thought she was going to stab me (she raised her hand with the knife and I flinched and she lowered it) or hit me. Neither of us drink alcohol, by drink I just mean juice or something.

I've told her she needs help and she is going to the counselor in a few weeks. But she's not going to be honest because I think she doesn't even understand. I've read a lot about dementia but I went through that with her mom and don't see any of the symptoms grandma had and my grandma never got angry.

What should I do? This is a daily routine now. She'll get to the point she balls up her fists and says "please god why can't I just die" and repeats it over a few times. She's threatened self harm a couple times. I feel like I should call 911 when it gets that far or call the doctor she's going to see and tell her the reality because my mom can't or won't. I know they can't discuss because of hipaa I just want to make sure they are working with all the information.

Thanks for reading and appreciate any advice.

My father speaks loudly. I used an app and he's routinely 80 decibels, e.g. passing truck, as opposed to ~60, conversation. I think I am sensitive to noise, but what I've discovered is that, if anything, I'm also now too loud. Much of what he says is also somewhat hostile, but that's an aside. His volume actively distresses me. It's not very different from the dog barking.

He gets so pissed off at me if I mention it. He is hurt that I am critical of him and says he cannot control his volume, but also "no one else ever says this to him". In fact, the only people who interact with him are paid, or clients, or people who otherwise would be at some disadvantage mentioning it. He quite literally has no remaining friends or family who voluntarily associate with him but me, because refuses to make any concessions.

It is very likely a hearing issue, but there doesn't seem to be any practical way to address that with him.

I have tried to ask him not to think of it as a problem with him, but a problem with my sensitivity. I've pointed out that I care what he says and that's why I want to find a solution instead of not listening. Basically, the response is that he's made it clear that his inability to adapt is more important than my needs. It doesn't matter that it is physically difficult for me - I can feel my ear muscles guarding. I can't remind him to use a lower volume, because I make him "feel like a three year old who can't modulate volume". It is also offensive if I use earplugs. There is no solution for him except for me not to be "unreasonable", not to criticize.

To be clear, I know he's wrong and being selfish. I know that if I calmly explain that my head hurts, any decent human who cares about me could be bothered to try. But he's my elderly father. If it were someone else with this story, I'd tell them they had to distance themselves.

I suspect there is nothing to be done but set boundaries and let things settle where they settle, but I am his only person and I am also unhappy to see him lonely (which he says he is). If there is something else I could try, I will. It seems like the only option left is to physically and mentally suffer or let him storm off, both of which feel like unnecessary failure.

I guess I just can't quite cope with the idea that he would rather be miserable and alone rather than make any basic effort to meet my needs when I try to really carefully state them (and am the only person in his life who cares for him). I try to be aware of what people in my life need, even if I don't achieve it. I definitely change the way I communicate for different people, and I do make an effort for him. He does not believe I do, so I question whether I am behaving oddly in this particular context, but I think rationally that I actually do make more active concessions for him than anyone really should. I'm not usually regarded as a difficult person (based on workplace assessments, for example).

I'm just sad. I try. I want to make things better and I can't... but that's how he feels, too. He really believes he can't control his volume and that I'm unreasonable. Maybe that's correct. But surely if that were the case he could control whether he got angry with me for wearing earplugs.... surely he could at least pretend to make some effort to meet my needs.

It just sucks not being able to fix things. And it sucks even as an adult when the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally can't even trade decency for your care and time and loyalty.

Reading through the draft, I know I'm being absurd. I'm the doormat in a way I wouldn't be with anyone else, and in a way I wouldn't encourage anyone to be. I want him to love me and care about my needs, but I can't make that true.

If I'm being unreasonable please let me know. If I'm right, it probably won't help to tell me, but I guess I hope it will? Parents are hard.

Looking for a very discreet tracker that may fit in shoes or be difficult to detect/interfere with—are AirTags the smallest/most useful?

My uncle has recently been placed in memory care and he escaped last night and was found trespassing on someone’s property about 1 mile away. The facility is 5 acres, under 20 residents, fully enclosed/gated and they allow residents to wander the grounds freely. The director is very upset as this has never happened there before. Unfortunately my uncle is in excellent physical shape in his late 70s (he’s over 6ft, 190lbs, very muscular and aside from his dementia, is in very good health) so his ability to escape is much greater than most other residents they have. At times my uncle is aware of why he is there, sometimes he’s not aware at all, and other times can be angry and demands to go home (facility is in the same county as his home, maybe 25 miles away).

PRN meds are not helping thus far and we will work to get new rx from his MD but in addition, we’d like to put some sort of tracking device on him so we can monitor him/his location while still allowing him to enjoy access to the full property (it’s basically a small farmstead with a lot of animals and nature to enjoy). Not sure if slipping an AirTag under the insert in his sneakers will bother him to point he’d find it and take it out, similar with putting it on any lanyard or in his pockets.

My FIL has finally realized he needs to be wearing depends at night and has decided to quit fighting us about it.

TMI warning, I guess…

His problem is that he will wake up to pee and urinate some before he can make it to the toilet. What is recommended in that situation? It’s not a full bladder amount of urine in the depends. Should we have him change to a new depend in the middle of the night or will waiting until morning to change work. I don’t want him to develop a rash but he insists it’s not a lot of urine, but it is more than just a dribble. Sorry if that’s TMI.

Hi, so my dad (67) has really neglected his hygiene since I moved out for university. He lives alone with his dog that he really loves, but he has visitors and family around every day. When I come home, he wears dirty sweatpants all the time, even going out to the store in them. He rarely showers and sometimes smells.
The worst part is the bathroom. It’s extremely dirty, there are small pieces of feces on the bathtub, toilet, and floor. He doesn’t defecate on the floor or anything like that, but somehow it ends up spread around in small bits. The carpet in the hallway is soaked with urine from when the dog was younger, and my dad doesn’t want to replace it while the dog is still alive, because he says it doesn’t make sense to change it now given the dog’s age.
What confuses me is that he doesn’t see any problem with this. He’s not embarrassed to invite people into a smelly house or walk around in dirty clothes. At the same time, he is physically and mentally fit, works in an intellectual profession, reads books, uses technology comfortably, and walks 10,000 steps a day. When he goes to work, he wears clean jeans, so I don’t understand the disconnect.
I’ve talked to him about it once, and he seemed embarrassed. Since then, he makes an effort to “clean” the bathroom before I visit, but it’s still not very clean and I end up cleaning it myself. He thinks I’m overly picky rather than seeing his behavior as unhygienic. I do appreciate that he tries for me, but I don’t want this to be something he only does once a month when I visit.
He keeps the kitchen and his own room relatively clean, but the smell in the house and the state of the bathroom don’t seem to bother him at all.
I feel ashamed to invite my partner over, and because of this, they have never been to my family home.
Why doesn’t he see a problem or feel embarrassed? And what can I do?

I can see we are getting close to having the 'give me the car keys' discussion with my mother-in-law, and I think offering uber/lyft/waymo in exchange is a great means to do so. She'll be valet driven the rest of her life. Financially, I'm running the numbers on the cost of her car (depreciation, insurance, gas, maintenance, lease) compared to the anticipated monthly cost of these services each month and it seems really close (if not cheaper to use the driving services).

I'd love to hear if anyone has done this and, if so, how it has gone - has the parent appreciated the switch? Unexpected issues/challenges, etc?

Thanks in advance!

Technically, my partner did, but he found her laying on the ground, and she very clearly is not doing well and unable to get up. Another man went and helped him sit her down in a chair. She is very clearly diabetic with swollen dark purple feet. She is also very clearly a hoarder, and the room smelled of urine and you barely have room to move around. She doesn't have any family to call to help her out of the situation. She seems willing for us to just help her, but when it came to calling the ambulance to check her out, she didn't want it. My partner is making the decision to call the police for a welfare check, but besides that, what else could I do? Apart of me feels for this woman, and I want to help her out and possibly clean out her apartment, but im not sure if it's a good idea. My partner seems a little apprehensive, and I don't blame him since he hasn't had a good experience with these situations. im a young woman, and im just not sure what to do in this situation. any advice would be appreciated! She just doesn't deserve to be living like this.

My mother passed away in March, leaving my dad by himself. This was not the way anyone thought things would go...my dad is in horrible shape.....79, severe COPD, mobility issues. He currently spends 90% of his time watching TV, he goes from the living room chair to the bathroom and that's about it. Lately he puts off going to the bathroom for as long as possible because he get's so out of breath doing it. (20 feet) He is a veteran, and gets a teachers pension. He talks about assisted living but has no plan to pay for it, and doesn't understand that the VA doesn't do that. I guess I'm just asking the group here....what the heck do I do? What's step 1 here and are there organizations that can help. I understand that he'll have to do a "spend down" to qualify for anything as he has assets and there's a 5 year look back.

Looking for direct experience with this: When an assisted living bills the family for 30 days after the resident dies (in line with their policy that you have to give 30 days notice), can they still let a new resident move in the room once the deceased resident’s belongings are cleared out? So they’re charging for the same room twice?

Is there a legal aid that can help with filing an involuntary conservatorship for a family member who is an alcoholic and needs to be admitted into a rehab asap?

My mom is 76 and she's been a very absent-minded person essentially her entire life, but as she gets older it seems to be getting worse.

She does things like:

- Put a pot of food on the stove, turn it up to max, and just leave. And not come back. Just last night she was making a pot of oatmeal and turned the entire thing into a thick pile of black carbon (not just black at the bottom, but the *entire* contents), so it had been left burning for a very long time.

- Put a plate of food in the microwave, turn it on, and then just forget about it. Sometimes she doesn't even turn on the microwave after leaving food in it and leaving. This happens regularly.

- Take food out of the fridge and do nothing with it. And then leave with the fridge door open.

- Most of the time she's just on her phone listening to Chinese podcasters.

- In 5 months she has left the premises of the house about 8 times. 5 times for doctor's appointments. But even when much younger she was always a home body, made no friends in the 35 years we've lived here, and never went outside on her own for shopping, eating, going to the park, do errands, etc. She's also never had to buy groceries on her own, pay a bill, put gas in a car, drive anywhere besides to and from her office, etc. because my dad did all of that.

I'm wondering if this level of absent-mindedness is some sort of early-onset neurological problem, or just her natural personality just getting worse with age. Talks with neurologists and scans have been inconclusion.

Anyone else gone through this with their parents?

My wife has taken a couple of unexplained falls and we are pursuing medical testing to try and determine the cause. In the meantime she is open to wearing a pager of some sort but it needs to be discrete and comfortable enough to wear at night. The giant white and red pendants on lanyards aren't going to happen. We don't need it to call for outside assistance, just to get my attention if we're not in the same room. Something that has a base station for my bedroom but also sends an iPhone alert would be ideal but one or the other would be okay as well.

My grandpa is very frail he’s pretty much built like a skeleton with very little muscle and he can’t walk or get up on his own even with a walker I also think he has some early stage of dementia. I help him to the washroom everyday with the walker but without me balancing him he would fall majority of the times. He always asks to leave the walker with him but we know if he gets up and tries to walk by himself it’s like a 95% chance he falls over. There’s been a couple of times he’s fallen and been pretty injured. And he refuses to listen when we tell him the reason we can’t give him the walker and gets pretty mad. We’re doing this for his sake but I still feel like this is kind of immoral and I do feel bad that we are stranding him.

A dear friend is caring for her elderly father with cancer. He’s lost a good bit of weight, and doesn’t have much appetite, so she’s trying to find calorie dense foods for him. He is not on a liquid only diet, but foods do need to be soft, fairly smooth, and easy to swallow.

Some of the current items on the list:

Boost/Ensure shakes

Cream based soups (he’s been eating a lot of these and is sick of them)

Instant oatmeal made with half and half and a scoop of peanut butter

Cottage cheese (full fat)

Chia pudding

Super pudding (instant pudding mix with Boost/Ensure)

Grits

Polenta

Cream of Wheat with peanut butter

Soft scrambled eggs

Ice cream

Smoothies (he’s also had a ton of these and is also over it)

Mashed potatoes with butter and cream

No food allergies. He does need to keep acidity fairly low. Not a big fan of yogurt or avocado, but not opposed to having them in things if they’re at least somewhat masked by other flavors. They’re trying to find more foods than just drinks. The poor guy might lose it if he’s presented with another shake or smoothie. The primary concern is keeping his calories up, not as concerned about overall nutritional content at this point.

I know that I used to have a recipe for a pudding that used chocolate instant pudding and avocado, but I can’t find it now. Anyone familiar with what I’m talking about. I feel like there was more to it than the pudding, milk, and avocado, but it’s possible that’s all it was.

Any other ideas? He’s a steak and potatoes guy, and this soft food stuff is driving him crazy. Thanks!

Hi everyone, I hope this is okay to post here. I’m a 20 year old building a tool that lets people record videos and write messages to be automatically delivered to their loved ones after they pass or during serious illness. I wanted to ask would something like this have helped you or your family? What would you actually want from it? Any honest feedback means a lot, even if it’s negative. Thank you.

Ok. So I have a really close friend. And is in her 70's now. Unfortunately her health has really been declining quite fast. She had a stroke and she is unable to use her left side. She is not steady on her feet and has fallen several times. And on top of that years ago she had a botched back surgery that has left her in pain so she can't stand up long than 5-15 mins. We both want to get some help for her. And we both agree that we would both feel comfortable with me doing it. She wants to be able to get paid some kind of money. Thing is she doesn't qualify for Medicaid, her insurance won't pay for someone to come help her and she doesn't have a lot of money to give.. So we are trying to see if the state would do it. She does have a small amount of monthly income under 2,700 and very little savings 6,000. So we are trying to figure out how to do everything without anyone taking her monthly income or savings. Mind you she does live on her own. So she has to pay rent, groceries, regular bills , doctor bills, hospital bill now and meds. So if anyone can help guide me to where I should start looking and calling at. I would greatly appreciate it. We live in texas

Hey all, trying to figure out the best way to support my parents (both on traditional Medicare) as they’re starting to deal with more health issues.

The biggest challenge has honestly just been navigating everything like appointments, referrals, understanding what’s covered, coordinating between different doctors, etc. It’s kind of overwhelming and I can’t always be on top of it 24/7.

I recently saw an ad for a company called Pinnie (https://pinnie.com/) that seems to offer a dedicated healthcare advocate to help with this stuff (scheduling, care coordination, explaining benefits, etc.). From what I understand it may even be covered by Medicare in some cases, which surprised me.

Has anyone here used something like this before, either Pinnie specifically or any kind of patient advocacy service? They claim its covered by traditional Medicare so am strongly thinking about it but want to make sure its legit.

Curious about:

• Is this actually helpful or just another layer of complexity?
• Do they really add value vs just managing things yourself?
• Anything I should watch out for?

Would really appreciate any firsthand experiences or advice.