My father speaks loudly. I used an app and he's routinely 80 decibels, e.g. passing truck, as opposed to ~60, conversation. I think I am sensitive to noise, but what I've discovered is that, if anything, I'm also now too loud. Much of what he says is also somewhat hostile, but that's an aside. His volume actively distresses me. It's not very different from the dog barking.
He gets so pissed off at me if I mention it. He is hurt that I am critical of him and says he cannot control his volume, but also "no one else ever says this to him". In fact, the only people who interact with him are paid, or clients, or people who otherwise would be at some disadvantage mentioning it. He quite literally has no remaining friends or family who voluntarily associate with him but me, because refuses to make any concessions.
It is very likely a hearing issue, but there doesn't seem to be any practical way to address that with him.
I have tried to ask him not to think of it as a problem with him, but a problem with my sensitivity. I've pointed out that I care what he says and that's why I want to find a solution instead of not listening. Basically, the response is that he's made it clear that his inability to adapt is more important than my needs. It doesn't matter that it is physically difficult for me - I can feel my ear muscles guarding. I can't remind him to use a lower volume, because I make him "feel like a three year old who can't modulate volume". It is also offensive if I use earplugs. There is no solution for him except for me not to be "unreasonable", not to criticize.
To be clear, I know he's wrong and being selfish. I know that if I calmly explain that my head hurts, any decent human who cares about me could be bothered to try. But he's my elderly father. If it were someone else with this story, I'd tell them they had to distance themselves.
I suspect there is nothing to be done but set boundaries and let things settle where they settle, but I am his only person and I am also unhappy to see him lonely (which he says he is). If there is something else I could try, I will. It seems like the only option left is to physically and mentally suffer or let him storm off, both of which feel like unnecessary failure.
I guess I just can't quite cope with the idea that he would rather be miserable and alone rather than make any basic effort to meet my needs when I try to really carefully state them (and am the only person in his life who cares for him). I try to be aware of what people in my life need, even if I don't achieve it. I definitely change the way I communicate for different people, and I do make an effort for him. He does not believe I do, so I question whether I am behaving oddly in this particular context, but I think rationally that I actually do make more active concessions for him than anyone really should. I'm not usually regarded as a difficult person (based on workplace assessments, for example).
I'm just sad. I try. I want to make things better and I can't... but that's how he feels, too. He really believes he can't control his volume and that I'm unreasonable. Maybe that's correct. But surely if that were the case he could control whether he got angry with me for wearing earplugs.... surely he could at least pretend to make some effort to meet my needs.
It just sucks not being able to fix things. And it sucks even as an adult when the person who is supposed to love you unconditionally can't even trade decency for your care and time and loyalty.
Reading through the draft, I know I'm being absurd. I'm the doormat in a way I wouldn't be with anyone else, and in a way I wouldn't encourage anyone to be. I want him to love me and care about my needs, but I can't make that true.
If I'm being unreasonable please let me know. If I'm right, it probably won't help to tell me, but I guess I hope it will? Parents are hard.