r/cripplingalcoholism

Tried and quit meth with my baby momma 5 years ago. I only knew one guy who would supply me who also happened to have the best crystal in the world, and shit I will never experience again. I’m talking about the longshoreman meth from the LA ports that gets those blue collar dudes through backbreaking labor…

Meth got me off of booze the first two month bender I went on with it. If I felt like having a Corona or Mexican lager? It would only be for the refreshing taste with salt and lime. Meth was seriously a miracle drug for me the first time around. I was actually productive and doing DoorDash for half the day, and still managed to court women I cared about on it. I’d compulsively brush my teeth 3 times a day too. I was mostly doing lines and smoking occasionally for fun.

It turns out my friend/connect had been doing it for 30 years, and by the time I got to say my last goodbye to him, he was already in severe schizophrenic/psychotic depression. All I know was I tried calling and texting him, but found his obituary online 2 months later… Pretty sure he committed suicide, as he tried overdosing on his meds multiple times at my place. I will never know for sure, but he also could’ve had hypothermia on a park bench.

My fellow CAs… This might actually be the worst poly substance addiction in the world. If you’re still truly drinking at CA levels while your tolerance is low from months of sobriety after rehab, and haven’t done meth in 5 years… Well, you do the meth (math)… It is a next level of impulsivity, infinite energy to make countless mistakes, poor judgement masked by even poorer judgement… Then it leads into everyone positive in your life scattering away like roaches and every toxic waste of space trying to befriend you out of nowhere.

I tried flushing my stash multiple times, so many 8 balls wasted, so many attempts at detoxing and rehab again, but this shit sinks its claws into your very soul and tries to take your humanity. I have never stolen or purposely tried to hurt innocent people in my life, but I’m starting to contemplate if it’s because I’ve never been that low, or if it’s nature vs nurture, innate defect in morals, etc.. Some people after using for so long have nothing behind their eyes, not a soul, just a dagger placed at your spine.

I don’t want to live this life at all. It means associating with prostitutes and drug dealers… Pimps and cooks… Thieves and violent felons… I’m a sheltered white kid with BPD, I don’t know how to act when I feel abandoned or place too much trust in people. I spent 10k in around 2-3 weeks. I feel like the biggest disappointment and disgusting piece of shit on earth with 0 self esteem left.

What to do when the job market sucks??? Sitting there, putting in job application after application? It's tiring when all I wanna do is get sauced tf up. I literally have so little beer left and my dumb ahhh is getting audited for taxes. So fun. Meaning, my state is now put on hold, I'll probs have to go cold turkey, but in the meantime, I'm savoring this lukewarm beer until the 7eleven opens. I hate how expensive those stores are, not to mention I'll have to use change just to purchase anything. I think these times make me appreciate the advantages of having a job, but being unemployed can be a blessing in disguise for a fuck up such as myself. CHAIRS FUCKERS

I’m fucking DELUSIONAL. But still know who I am this time, so that’s nice.

But I thought I was in Africa for a full day, so that’s not nice.

I know I have a stash, I just can’t fucking remember what continent it’s in.

Where am I?

🚽

my biggest binge mistake is that i keep tossing back drinks to try and get that thumping in my chest to go away.

big mistake. huge.

you toss a few back, and god willing, just wait a few damn minutes, and then it comes down.

i always seem to forget this. alcohol hits those sweet dopamine receptors first, then later on the anxiety relief kicks in.

Then the bottle is gone. I need more so please give me some motivational words, I need to shift out of bed and do something about it. It's a nice day so I suppose that makes it slightly easier.

What you guys up to?

currently at the start of a bender, i realized if i play video games drunk im way better. that got me thinking, what can i do better drunk than sober? i came up with two things. video games and drawing, idk maybe it’s just my drunk rambling, what do yall do better drunk?

I have fucking benzos, naltrexone, and some other shit that I reckon is placebo

I drank 2L of wine this evening before passing the fuck out after taking benzos this morning and am now drinking a listerine and coke mix because the liquor shop doesn’t open for 5 hours

Fellas, there is no saving my arse. im gonna wash down a fuckton of thiamine tablets with this absolute degenerate drink (do not fucking drink listerine im just a dumb motherfucker)

An aod specialist is supposed to contact me soon. but I think i cannot live with the feeling of being sober

Chairs

Walked into my local C spot day before my weekend yesterday to this beautiful display of half price beers. Seltzers. Malt mixed drinks. Cases of beat box. Et al. Very random stuff. What great timing. So I have been loading up over the last two days on various sundries.

It just feels way too good. Every time I go out or start binging, it always feels worth it. That’s what messes me up. I usually buy a couple wine bottles in the store, Crack em open and just enjoy once that feeling kicks in. Finally i feel that motivation, Social feeling. I start writing to people, Answering people that i usually just ignore since i have no interest speaking with people, Its just that im not to social. It always ends with me grabing a buss or the train and head to an bar. And i know every one of them here in my city, So depending on mood ill go somewhere. It doesnt matter if i have 20$ in my account or 200$. I make it worth wile.

And the night always ends with a bunch of people, After party somewhere. Talking with interesting individuals. Kissing, Fun, Just an super enjoyable time.

I always come home with 1-2 more people in my contacts list. Altough it usually dont lead to something. Sometimes we hit eachother up and hang out.

I just feel like there is no point at all being home and stagnant. And no, Shit is not that enjoyable sober. Stop lying. Ive tried a bunch of times its not fun at all. thats just the cold truth.

I’ve had fun, met a lot of new people, had sex, ran into old friends, and actually felt motivated to talk to women and socialize. For some reason, my whole life I’ve had very little interest in people or talking to anyone. But when I drink, everything becomes enjoyable.

It makes sober days feel like a complete waste of time. The only good thing I can think of about being sober is working and making money. Other than that, I don’t do anything productive. And honestly, I don’t see sitting at home relaxing as productive.

Real life feels like it’s out in the bars, in nightlife, meeting people, talking, being around others who drink. I don’t know, the whole lifestyle around it is intoxicating.

I’m 26 and I’ve never worked a normal 9 to 5 job. My life has basically been like this since I was 18. So I guess I’ve been going out around three times a week for eight years now. I’ve got a lot of experience with it.

I’ve stopped plenty of times for weeks or months. The problem is that sobriety feels boring. Honestly. Last time I quit for three months, I was mostly just at home and rarely went out the entire time. That’s just my personality. I’m not very social naturally. I don’t really have hobbies because nothing interests me. I don’t have passions because I don’t care about much. I guess I like money and traveling when I have it. That’s about it.

So after three months sober, I kept thinking what’s the point. Sure, it was probably better for my health. I lost some weight, which was nice. But then what? It felt like I lost more than I gained.

At the same time, I’ve lost a lot because of drinking too. Especially a beautiful relationship with an amazing woman. But if I’m being honest, if I was still in that relationship, where would I be now? It felt stagnant, and I really let myself go while I was with her. Even though it was comfortable and we loved each other, maybe ending it was for the best.

Other relationships never really meant much to me in the beginning either, or felt like people I truly needed beside me.

And the truth is, I’ve gained a lot from drinking too. If I never discovered it and went down this path, I probably would have stayed an antisocial recluse with no social life at all. So alcohol has given me a lot too.

Those of you with more experience than me, where am I heading?

And the only reasons I don’t drink every day are:

1. My hangovers are brutal. I can’t drink two days in a row.
2. I’m way too hypervigilant and paranoid about becoming an alcoholic. My father is one, and everyone knows it. I cannot be put in the same category as him.

Mine is 10 days. From the very sip til I can't get out of bed. I work from home and pulling myself to shower can be a drag during a bender. I usually sleep, drink, eat some crackers and repeat. Showers are usually not in the plan.

My girlfriend is taking a short trip with my crazy mother in law and I don't have to work next week! I've stocked on vodka, ice cubes, food and snacks. Who else loves to drink in bed ? I wish I had money for a prostitute, but I have very nosey neighbours and don't feel like going to someone else's place.

Chairs, degenerates!

I lost my girl due to a bender and she is convinced I cheated on her because I was trying to secure some blow and the crazy bitch I was buying it from answered my phone while waiting for the blow because I was in my blackout stage. I had my last drink Saturday haven’t talked to my girl or ex idk what to call her at this point since Friday. It’s truly eating me up inside. I despise myself because she has told me countless times she doesn’t like the person I am when I am drinking and guess what I went on a 8 day bender the last time she asked me to not drink but this is the worse one I’ve ever been in since being with her. I told myself I’d quit but deep down I just want to chug some whiskey and let the warmth over come me and see if it takes away some of this self hatred I feel. Deep down I know it won’t but maybe it will give me the confidence to text her

Looks like I missed my window of opportunity to start drinking. Im having exorcist head spinning puke sessions and awful ass piss. I only have 3 pint cans of Guinness left in the house.

How do I get that first pint down.

I dunno if any of you can relate but when I travel and go on benders, my fucking kit is dialed in. You can blindfold me and spin me around and push me towards my 3 bags I carry and I can hand you a lighter, some weed, a temu puppet, 2 knives, a flask, a bigger plastic flask, an extra tooth brush in the tactical bag so I don't need to get the big bag to brush my teeth.

Chargers? Look at my chargers, I got battery packs to keep myself charged while stumbling around cities. I got rooms of this shit.

Carabiners, oh yes, everything is connected beautifully. When I left San Francisco I ordered 2 boxes of wine and a bottle of johnny walker red from Instacart delivered to the hostel. Best idea ever, currently drinking the scotch looking at the gray miserable Seattle weather listening to Rooster by Alice In Chains. Cliche as fuck but it came up on my Seattle playlist and it's hitting right.

One thing I wish I had thought of was bringing some shorts for the hostel showers. Like putting directly on the pants after a gross hostel shower isn't great. I did bring some flip flops for the shower which have been money.

Also, the non scented wet wipes are 100% add to cart. I live the bidet life in New Orleans so kind always feel not as clean as I want and these help. Also there is nothing worse than an amtrak train bathroom. I hang out at dive bars 90% of my waking life and Amtrak train bathrooms are worse.

Sleeping mask is a must along with ear plugs. You need several pairs of ear plugs to sleep properly while traveling. I couldn't find my sleep mask when I got to the Seattle hostel and was like fuck. Found it, didn't put it in the right pocket. It's fine, all good.

When drinking on the train you want to bring yourself a box of wine and put it in stealth mode since it's okay to drink on the train unless you bought it there but fuck you, this is still America.

Pour that wine in a yeti cup with a top and a plastic straw so you're not spilling it all over as the train rocks back and forth. Also a yeti cup with a top that fully closes is good but it never closes "enough" so get used to luggage smelling like wine.

Preparing for this fucking amtrak bender I bought 4 pairs of black cargo pants and packed a bunch of hoodies. By the time I get back to New Orleans I want to throw all of these clothes in the lake or do laundry. This is the longest I've gone without wearing a hawaiian shirt and it feels weird. I really forget that this beautiful country has seasons.

I've been sitting in the hostel on the chromebook working all morning. Going to do my last phone call and go explore the surrounding area. Time is speeding by super fast which I kinda hate. I love the west coast, nice people. Fuck New Orleans, I don't want to go back to that hell hole full of good ole boy culture. Whatever, got a mortgage so leaving isn't easy. Eventually the eagle has to land.

honestly this is the most annoying thing in my life that i wake up and have to hit the bottle, it’s not even fun anymore a straight up chore to just get the day out of the way and expensive as hell continuously drinking throughout the day, i’m getting close to two pints a day and it takes me pretty much one full one in the morning just to get well and from there i’ll float on the second pint.

I posted on here about a month ago about potentially drinking around the world in Epcot which I was heavily advised against (only got a drink in France). I’ve averaged 3-4 drinks in the parks a day (the only strongish ones were in Break and Barrel imo or I ordered the wrong things) and drank a bottle of wine and tequila shots at the hotel each night/ during my daily afternoon break. Anyways this was a stupid idea because I picked up some nasty flu/cold after we left (obviously the alcohol weakened my immune system and I was averaging over 20,000 steps a day and definitely did not drink enough water). Anyways now I can’t even take a sip of wine without immediately puking. This is the most sober I’ve been in months. I haven’t even noticed any withdrawal symptoms because I feel so sick. So I guess thanks Mickey 🙃. Actual Disney was super fun.

So... No one has asked me on a date in a long long time. When I watch dates I just wonder if the guy (idk why I assume it's the guy because I'm a woman) anyway, I know it's not proper English, but anyway I wonder how long you men hold off before a date. Do you just let the lady know ahead of time OR do you try to hide it as much as you can?

My dad has been an alcoholic ever since I remember him. Basically for most of his adult life he’s been addicted to alcohol. He had few years here and there where he was sober. He is in his 60s now and has been on the longest bender. He becomes the worst version of himself when he is drunk and says nasty things to my sister and mom who live with him and sometimes even gets physical. I live in a different country and can’t visit them anytime soon and feel helpless. They’re in a third world country and the rehab he’s been to doesn’t do proper treatment. The rehab doesn’t even want him there anymore because he threatens them when he is there. Basically he’s harming himself and everyone around him. We are just out of ideas on how to help him and what to do. I’m honestly surprised he is still alive with the amount of abuse he’s done to his body. I love him but I hate the fact that he is harming himself and my family.When he is sober in the morning he acts like everything is normal and when confronted he just says he is going to fix it. I just wanted to share this and see if there is any advice anyone can offer ? I feel like my dad keeps drinking because he doesn’t face any consequences. I’m thinking if having my mom move to another apartment would have him take the situation more seriously?

The grief of being alone is real. The emts did treat my withdrawal symptoms, wouldn't let me leave for lung issues. Thank you for understanding, I have a lot of thinking to do about . I'll keep you posted as your old ass CA Internet friend.

So I was here before as Staccato-anxiety and I got kicked out of my sober living house for drinking lemon extract. Here's my update, in case you case.

I'm now floating between hospitals and the bus system. I wound up back in my old hometown which was a nightmare. Now I'm trying to get into a rehab in the big city. Still drunk. Still degenerate. Still me.