r/cisparenttranskid

So I (21F) am a single mother to my child (3AFAB who we'll call T) and I generally have tried to raise them to feel comfortable in their body and to always express their wants/needs/feelings and I gave them a gender neutral name because I felt that was the least likely kind of name to induce dysphoria (but I do use feminine pronouns and language in reference to them though I might go back to neutral pronouns and language with this new development). I've asked T a few times "Are you a boy, a girl or a kid?" and I used to always get a confused-sounding answer like they couldn't quite grasp the concept (which is fair) but since starting daycare two months ago it seems they are actually beginning to understand the difference. Shortly before going into daycare, T told me in a fairly confident way that they are a girl but today their teacher separated the class into genders and T just stood in between the groups. I think I remember the teacher saying she asked them to go with the girls but I know she said T told her that "I boy" so while we're getting ready for bed I asked them "Are you a boy or a girl?" and they said they are a boy. I don't really know what this means but I hope someone here can help me to navigate this. I would really like to understand what is going on with my baby so I can be the best and most supportive mother I can be. If it means anything, when people assume T is a boy in public which happens often for some reason especially when I mention their name, I don't normally correct them because it doesn't matter too much to me since it's a mistake and I feel that it's T's place to state the falseness of the assumption on their identity but I do fall into the feminine pronouns and language when it happens to come up naturally

I know this post is really long-winded and I'm sorry for the word barfing. I just would like some opinions from people in the community who have actual experience in what my child might be experiencing. Please help if you can

Edit: A few people have brought to my attention that I'm making some mistakes and being "too woke". Please do not come at me for this. I am not rage baiting and I acknowledge I'm not perfect which I never claimed to be. I am just ignorant and doing my best to work through it to hopefully provide security for my child. I came here for advice so please tell me "You're messing up. Stop it" instead of attacking me please

Hello. I am a married straight male 28 (cis?) and my little brother lives with me. He's going through a rough time and lived with my abusive mother for a lot longer than I did. I joined the military and got discharged last year. Since jan this year he's been living with me. I love him to death and we play LOL all the time. He and I have a TTRPG group and he likes to play as female characters. I don't mind if he enjoys girls, boys, or anything in between. I encourage him constantly to open up whenever he's ready and all he's told me is that he's unsure about his sexual orientation and that he thinks he likes girls. Recently, he's purchased what he described is estrogen and I'm concerned for his health and future development.

He's 23, a virgin, and hates leaving the house for pretty much any reason. I may be overreaching but I feel that his decision is a bit drastic. I want to support him fully but I'm worried he may regret this later in life. I had no idea I liked museums or would ever get married until recently. Lastly, I was a 68W (medic) and I do not like the idea of him using medicine without a provider's input. I'm a bit undereducated in any current gender studies and I have no idea how to navigate his possible transition. I know it's his choice but I want him to be happy for the rest of his life and I'm nervous he's possibly going in the wrong direction.

Please let me know your thoughts and insight so I can better educate myself. Thank you in advanced and let me know if I'm just a over protective brother.

My 3 year old was assigned male at birth, and I love him more than anything. Since starting preschool, he has said that he wants to be a girl a couple times. A few months ago he said he wants me to “take away his penis” and more recently he has said he wants to wear girl clothes. He mostly plays with girls, and he says that if he were a girl, more girls would play with him. He says that boys won’t play with him, but I’m not sure how true that is.

I’ve told him that he can be a girl if he wants to be, and I’ll help him. That said, I can’t sense how he really feels. This evening I asked him if he wants to be a girl all the time, and he said “yes,” but I worry that I’m not asking the right questions. He has told me that he wants to be a girl at night, at bedtime when it is just the two of us. How can I support him at this age?

Hey yall, im not really a child, just a 22 year old trans man still living with his parents who still treat me like a kid lol (who are unsupportive and have put in no effort to be supportive and will likely never come around, but that's not why im here). But I hope im welcome here regardless :)

I have 2 sisters, and then there's me, a trans man who is still unfortunately seen as a daughter. And when my parents want to call all 3 of us at once, they just call out "girls", in the scenario where my parents were supportive, what would you recommend them change the word to to call the 3 of us?

Im just really curious on how a supportive parent would change the word (or if you already have multiple daughters and a son how would you call over all your kids?) Because I feel like "girls and boy" would feel very awkward to say and also for me to be on the receiving end of hearing it since im the odd one out lol

Grief is not linear.

I love my kid and want him to be happy. I use his new name, his new pronoun. I was never gendered with clothes, so I have always supported my kid’s preferences for clothing and hair. When he was little, he wore dresses - his preference. I always preferred gender neutral clothes but my kid went many years wearing nothing but dresses. He insisted that I buy dresses. His preferences, not mine.

I really miss my daughter. Recently I got triggered by music. My kid used to love and sing that song over and over. I have been a mess since that day. I cry everyday. Some days, teary eyes and other days I cry really hard for hours. I can feel my heart shatter. my chest really hurts.

I never wanted a boy. I kept saying I hope it’s a girl. When the doctor told us we were going to have a girl, I was so happy and relieved.

My kid was a happy little girl. I did not buy Barbie dolls and princesses but he wanted them so much, so grandparents bought them for him.

He used to dress up as a princess, a fairy, ballerina. Such a confident girl with lots of laughter. He prefers brightly colored clothes and flashy jewelry.

Then puberty hit. He was not ready to have his period. We read books, talked about it, got supplies in advance and practiced putting on pads. But emotionally he wasn’t ready. He did not want to grow up. He said at the time he was sad about growing up. He was the only kid who had his period in his grade for a few months until another girl got her period.

He began to hate himself and his body. He had a traumatic breakup. He became depressed and his self esteem tanked.

And then he came out as trans. His Mental health continued to deteriorate.

I feel like puberty and the breakup rewired his brain. He does not feel like the same person.

There is a flicker of his old self in there but it is buried deep. Sometimes I don’t recognize this person that is my child.

On days like today, it is painful to be in the same room as him. I can’t tell him why I am sad but I can’t stop crying so I go into the bathroom and take a very long shower so that I can cry privately.

I held something icy cold and fought back tears. After my kid went to bed, I let it loose. I have been crying nonstop for hours now.

I know not everyday is this intense. But, right now it is unbearable. How am I expected to go to sleep , wake up, do a good job at work and be a good parent at home after I have been crying daily for weeks.

I know that this intensity will pass although I can’t believe it. When he first came out, I grieved hard and cried daily for months. What I am feeling now feels almost as intense as then but slightly less.

I miss my daughter. He has two kids at his school with the same name as his old name. I cannot say that name. the loss is too painful.

Seeing him being unhappy with the way he looks and his body is so sad and heartbreaking. He used to love swimming. Now he won’t swim. He hides in his oversized hoodie.

His future worries and scares me.

Parenting is so damn hard and parenting a trans kid makes it infinitely more difficult and complicated.

I love my kid and will go to the hell and back to protect and support him. But I do not see him as the same kid. I feel that I lost a child and gained another. I mourn the loss of that child that lives in the past.

I am in therapy and on an antidepressant. I stay strong because my kid and my family need me and I need to keep going. They all depend on me.

Hey there, so grateful this sub exists, so thanks to all of you who kindly read and answer all these questions from those of us trying to learn and do better.

My autistic 19yo (amab) came out to us as a trans woman this past December and started hormones shortly thereafter. My partner, her three siblings, and I all supported her immediately. However, I am just getting increasingly concerned about her and would like advice.

Although I am happy for her to start hormones and do whatever she feels is the correct direction to feel better in her body, I am concerned about how there is pretty much zero support provided along with the estrogen she was prescribed from PP. She is also on an SSRI, and it just feels like it would make sense to have some kind of consistent mental health support from someone who understands her gender identity and also autism.

The concern wouldn't be there if I felt like she was thriving, but she is really struggling. She is currently in community college and was doing well up until recently. Although we pay for everything, including school, she really wants to be independent, but struggles with autistic burnout pretty frequently (not sure she realizes that's what it is, she's not always open to talk about things) and hasn't been able to hold any job for more than a few months. She's been having more and more anxiety attacks and becoming less and less able to handle even the smallest demands. She is happy to sit in her room and game with online friends all day, which I don't mind, but I can tell that it's starting to get very isolating and not aligned with the goals she has told us she has for her future. And honestly, she just doesn't seem happy at all, which breaks my heart.

To get to the point, I wanted to know if anyone had suggestions on what direction to go for help. I am worried about just trying to find a regular mental health professional, and wondering how important it is for them to be informed on gender identity/hormone therapy. It feels like it will be near impossible to find someone who understands the trans struggles on top of the autism. I've also thought about trying to start a local trans meetup group, but we live in the midwest and I'm scared of the negative attention it might get if I tried to advertise for it.

Sorry this is long and kind of all over the place, but I really want to help her and have just been so overwhelmed trying to decide which direction to go. All thoughts and advice are welcome!

Thanks so much.

So in 2 months I went from wtf hormone blockers, I don't trust them and lots of questions and hesitation to how can I source estradiol for my son now. I'll fly to Mexico whatever I need to do. Gender dysphoria is incredibly hard as a parent to watch your child go through. The process via the clinic is so long and I feel he is losing his grip on reality. He is 14 and feels it's too late he'll never pass. I'm trying to push things as fast as I can at this point because I'm so worried for his mental health. From everything I've read 14 is not too late and he has a good probability for a successful transition to a stealth female. Nothing I say can convince him. If anyone can offer some advice I'm all ears.

I just talked to my dad on the phone. The last time we saw each other, I attempted to prep him in advance about my child's new pronouns. He didn't really get it, but whatever. Today we talked for the first time in a month, and he kept referring to my child as "he." I kept correcting him, which didn't really lead anywhere productive. He's not from this country, he's old, and English is not his first language, so I try to be patient. A snippet of the conversation:

Him: "So you only call him that when he's listening?"

Me: "They, and no, we refer to them by their preferred pronouns all the time."

Him: "How long has he had this problem?"

Me: "I'm asking you to use they/them pronouns when talking about K. It's not a problem. It's just their pronouns."

Him: "Why do you do this? Did he ask you to?"

Me: "They. Yes, they asked us to use these pronouns."

Him: "Oh, I see."

We don't have the best relationship to begin with, and we don't see each other very often, so its not difficult to limit my child's exposure to this - but boy was my blood boiling by the end of our call. Needless to say, I will not be answering calls from him on Mother's Day again.

Hi All,

I’m looking for advice on how to deal with a teacher situation my daughter (17) has. She is out to us at home, on meds (thank the gods we were able to get them for her) & goes by her chosen(or as we say her real) name at home, however we live in a rural red part of our state and she is not out at school. He closest friends know her true self but teachers and the student body as a whole don’t. Recently one of her teachers has started taking part in loud conversations that some of her classmates have regarding us politics. The students are very maga, very red hat, bigoted, racist and all that awful shit. You’d think the teacher would put a stop to these conversations but instead she joins in them. The teacher is also very Christian maga and has made comments about other trans students (not in the class) that I can only call bullying, she told my daughter she was going to hell for wearing a t-shirt for a band, made comments in agreement with ICE activities including taking children from their parents. We are nearing the end of the school year and my daughter has asked I not say anything till the year is over but once the year ends I am going to file a complaint against this teacher with the school. Has anyone else ever had to deal with something similar from teachers? How did you deal with it? I’m disgusted that a teacher would basically bully students who don’t align with her beliefs and feel that she should be reprimanded at the least.

Any advice on how best to handle this is appreciated.

Ty!

I currently live with my mother and my older middle sibling, T (25FTM), who is also a trans man. Yet, T has not physically transitioned and presents as feminine still with long hair. Meanwhile, for years I have presented as masculine and have, in more recent years, come out as trans to my family and beyond. I think that me being more physically “trans” than my middle sibling makes my mom prefer them over me. She has always told me she wished to have daughters when she was a kid, and while T still presents that image, I don’t.

Not just that, but my mother is blatantly more affectionate with T. When he gets home, my mom calls him sweet names and asks about his day, and how he is. But never does the same with me. I have my one-year anniversary with my girlfriend coming up, I finished my first year of my MSW program with straight A’s and glowing reviews from professors/field advisors, yet, my mother never shows interest in any of my achievements.

When T recently got a job after being unemployed for months, my mom, understandably, was very proud and celebrated the accomplishment. Yet, none of my accomplishments are celebrated by her unless I ask for it. I have started taking testosterone and while my mom knew I was considering it, she doesn’t know I started yet. I feel like I shouldn’t even bother including her in my milestones that make me proud since she doesn’t seem to care. I sadly am unable to move out at the moment since it makes more sense economically to remain here, yet, it’s taking a huge toll on my mental health.

I just wish my family, especially my mother, could just treat me better. Not like the “easy child” she always put on autopilot, but as an equal who does appreciate receiving affection and basic love from his mother. Sometimes, I feel like me coming out as trans has only worsened her resentment towards me for not being “the perfect daughter.”

Many people use the terms AFAB and AMAB as present-tense adjectives: "my AMAB daughter", or "my son (AFAB)". This is typical, and in most spaces nobody will object to that use.

In some trans communities, there's a push to use language slightly differently. The norm is to say "trans daughter", "trans son" - or just "daughter", "son", or "child" if it's obvious from context that the person is trans. When you're referring specifically to the historic fact of what sex your child was assigned at birth, it's encouraged to spell the acronym out: "my daughter was assigned male at birth, and... (I have questions about how to change her birth certificate)".

The reason for this: ASAB, as a brief concise acronym that gets used a lot, tends to communicate something similar to "biologically male/female". It associates the sex someone was assigned at birth with their current trans self. Using that historic fact as a present-tense descriptor sits wrong with some (not all!) trans people.

This is not a firm rule on this forum. Nobody will be sanctioned by the mods for phrasing this one way or the other. I'm just offering this as something to consider : )

Hi all,

My daughter came out to me just over a year ago (MtF) which was perfectly fine a little bit of a surprise initially as she was always really sporty, but she has gone from strength to strength since coming out, she’s on hormones and is really blossoming into a beautiful young woman!

She’s 17 now and recently gone on two dates with a boy. I’m just super nervous for her, I’m not sure if he knows and it just makes me really anxious and want to be overprotective which I know I can’t be.

I’ve had the chats with her before about being careful with guys and the fact some may not like that she’s trans and how it’s their loss etc. but part of me wouldn’t blame her for hiding it just to not be judged but this is making me even more anxious about her dating.

Please any help or experience from anyone would be amazing, inbox is completely open if you’d prefer to message there.

Thanks xx

Last week my 15 year old came out to me as trans (female to male.) I've been as supportive as I can, but he told me to not tell anyone in the family about it. So in conversation with everyone else, including my own husband, I'm using feminine pronouns and his birth name. I really don't know what else to do but it feels wrong even though he told me not to out him.

I know that's a weird progression. I'll try and explain...

My son (16 afab), "A", has a friend (15 afab), "J", who's also trans, but his mom won't recognize it and won't call him by his preferred name/pronouns, which is bad enough.

But the other day, A told me that J had said that his mom was misgendering MY son to J at home, and saying things like "is she still pretending she's a boy?".

I don't think J told A that to be hurtful, but it still hurt. Because what a horrible thing to say to your kid about their friend!

Anyway, this was days ago and I still can't stop thinking about it. The kicker is that she also works at their school, so what kinds of things is she gossiping about to other staff or faculty?

So, I can deal with this practically. I don't think I will let A go over to their house. J is always welcome here, though. And I'll pay attention if it starts to affect him at school. But I'm having a hard time dealing emotionally.

How do you all deal with it when the world is hateful to your kid? I'm so protective. I'm not an angry person, but things like this make me so angry that my face gets hot just thinking about it.

Hello, I have a question about the journey of acceptance (or non acceptance) for some parents.

I came out to my mother this wednesday. I have feared it on and off for six years. I thought that as long as I can avoid telling her I can believe that she loves me. I also physically could not tell her, I could not make the words leave my mouth. I wrote her a letter, since then she has not spoken to me. She cries, she avoids me, she does not even look at me. She only talks to my dad, she says her daughter no longer exists.

I find it strange. I am not dead. I am the exact same person I was a week ago. I am who l always have been, only now she knows it. I do not understand why she can not see me when I am standing here fully alive. I do not know what to say to make her hear me. For now I have only stayed silent.

This is affecting the rest of the family too. I can live without my family, I can erase my past within it. But I never meant it to affect the rest of the family. There is a tension and decadence and I hate to be its cause.

So now I wonder, if you struggled to see your child after they came out, what changed you? What can I do or say to change this?

My son came out trans to us. No problem there. However, my parents found out before we had a chance to tell them in a controlled way, they were "surprised", and reacted badly. When confronted about their reaction it has become a circle of, "We were surprised and wish we knew sooner." and me responding with, "You don't get to decide when and how you find out, we were waiting for the right time, as we had only recently found out and are new to parenting a transchild. We knew you would be worried and have questions and we wanted to be prepared." To that effect, that cycle has repeated more times than I can count. I get frustrated, because during me explaining various aspects, I get interrupted by gaslighting, denial, and deflection. This as been an issue for a month or so. I texted an apology after a major fight at the start of this for how I reacted and got explosively angry. We just made contact again last night, and the cycle started again. And ended explosively. This morning I get an email with a link to a google AI question and response. They asked, "is it appropriate for my son to tell us without warning that our 11 year old granddaughter want to be a trans boy". And the response from the AI: "Coming out as transgender is a significant, often long-contemplated process for a child, and telling family members "without warning" is common because the person often waits until they feel secure enough to share. While this may feel abrupt to you, experts indicate that it is a moment requiring trust and a desire for family involvement, rather than a reflection of disrespect." So AI responds with virtually the same response I have been giving this whole time. Am I insane for feeling maddeningly frustrated? I mean they claimed to "get it" after asking AI but not listening to me? Then proceeding to say, "you didn't say that to me, you yelled it." And then I respond with, "I didn't start yelling until you started talking in circles." And then saying, "You care more about the tone, than the words I said." Please help. I am alone here and feel like I am going crazy.

Hi all:) I am 17 (18 in five months, that's important I promise), trans-masc, and have cis parents. I started thinking about going on testosterone 3 years ago but only came out as nonbinary to my parents around 6 months ago. I am in desperate need of hrt. I can't look down at my hips and thighs ever because they are so curvy (I know T doesn't always fix this but sometimes it does) and every time I speak I get slapped in the face with dysphoria. I briefly mentioned hrt in passing to my mom and she immediately shut it down without even having a direct conversation about it. I haven't tried talking to my dad but he tends to be more supportive than she is. I am going on T when I turn 18 either way but I really need his help with insurance and banking and transportation and all that. I want to talk with him soon but I have no clue what to say and how to make sure it comes across as me asking for help, not permission, but in an understanding and not aggressive manner. If any of you have any tips please let me know, I am freaking out.

Some familial background: i am a 37yr old bisexual female married to a 38 cishet male we live in Southern California . We are an incredibly inclusive household in all aspects. We have 2 kids 13yr who was born a boy and an 11 yr old who was born a girl . I’ve have always raised my kids pretty gender neutral . I never pushed any of the typical gender ideologies and always took a child lead approach to clothing , toys , tv shows ect . We have always been very vocal in our household in regards to LGBTQ+ rights and loudly pushed back against any discrimination. I consistently did check ins with my kids from early on , in age appropriate ways regarding any gender dysphoria and sexual preference. Neither of them had ever given me any reason to believe they weren’t comfortable in their birth assigned genders. They have also known that mom is bisexual and what that means from a very early age . I’m going to refer to my 13yr as they in this context because of what is going on.

This is where i need help and i hate that im even feeling this way or questioning ……

My first child turned 13 in late November . Puberty had already started at 11 and they had body hair and even started growing a slight mustache . When i did my check-ins about any gender dysphoria they might be encountering or sexual preferences they had always very staunchly declared they were happy and comfortable being a boy and that they were straight . All questions were always framed in “ hey are you feeling good in your body ? Nothing making you feel uncomfortable?” Or “ hey any girl or boys you are interested in ?” They would declare “ i like girls mom 🙄” to which i would reply “ that’s great ! Buts it’s also totally ok if you like boys too!” They told me about crushes on girls and even had a girlfriend in 6th grade . January of this year everything started changing . He made a totally new friend group at school , mostly girls , some boys, but all queer . At least 4 of the kids are trans identifying but it’s 7th grade and it’s a little murky from what i can tell . It seems all his straight male friends had taken a back burner . I was thrilled he has such a diverse friend group and told him so ! Then his behavior started changing , sneaky , lying . he came out to me about 2 months ago saying he was pansexual . I said thank you for feeling comfortable enough to tell me and daddy and i love you always , we just want you to be yourself and be happy ! I had always done random phone checks not because i don’t allow privacy but because despite always preaching safety and telling them that telling the truth means we cant be upset and they won’t be punished , they were still choosing to lie . They recently got in trouble and i did another phone check and discovered that my 13yr is identifying as TransFem and has changed their name to “ asriel “ . I immediately had a sit down with them as this news absolutely hit out of left field . I asked them how long they had been identifying as trans because i distinctly remember broaching the subject when they came out as pan barely 2 months prior and asking them “ do you feel comfortable with your gender ? i noticed you are trying really hard to grow your hair long and you won’t let me take you for a haircut , i just want to check in” . They replied “ I’m absolutely a boy and comfortable and I’m growing my hair because i like metal and play the bass !” .

So when i asked when the trans identification started , They said that “ i think i might be trans , ive just been thinking about it lately and still need to keep thinking to make a decision”. I asked why they never said anything before and when did they start feeling this way and what exactly were they feeling ? They were having a lot of issues articulating an answer . I said that transitioning is not something to be taken lightly but if they are truly a female stuck in a male body i will do everything in my power to make them comfortable and help ! They said “ i know , im still thinking , i don’t know, i just started feeling weird in 4th or 5th grade “ . I asked why they chose the name asriel because from what i know , it’s the male character from your favorite video game . They replied with a shrug.

This is where im having issue ; my child has never exhibited any signs of gender dysphoria from the time they realized they were a male up until a week ago . I never forced boy clothing , toys , or media. Not once did my child ever go through a phase of wanting to wear feminine clothing , or pretend to be a girl in name or presentation even during pretend play . Always very male identifying by his own choosing . One of the messages i found in their phone said “ a lot changed in the week i lost tik tok , im trans now” Part of me doesn’t quite believe this and thinks that this could be just a phase of trying to be socially accepted by this new friend group , but the other part of me knows how bad that sounds . I’m so confused and just shocked . We have always been such a safe household ! We told him we love him so much and it doesn’t matter what his gender or sexual preferences are .

I am absolutely going to get him in with the LGBTQ+ Therpaist in the office that i attend therapy in . That therapist is a FTM trans person himself . I also want to get him in touch with my other trans friends who live out of state . I guess i just need advice . I don’t know how i missed this or why he didn’t feel like he could tell me those feelings before .

For starters: I really don't know much about this subject. I will try to use the correct pronouns. If I slip up, it's not on purpose. I love my child and support them 100% always. My child was born a girl and said he thinks he'd prefer to be a boy.

He attempted suicide last month but survived. He didn't say anything about gender struggles in the note. I had noticed him taking on a less feminine style of dress and losing interest in the girly stuff we used to do together, but I didn't think much of it. But he's been depressed for a couple years and has been acting less open with me and my husband.

He's always been into sports and athletics but said last week he didn't want to do summer softball this year. This shocked me, but I chalked it up to depression and decided to check again about it. Last night he still said no and when I asked why was told "because I don't want to play girl's sports or be a girl, OK?"

From there he opened up. Saying that he thinks he'd be happier as a boy and feels very out of place and unhappy as a girl. Last softball season was a big source of the depression because it just reminded him how out of place he felt in a locker room of girls. He said he didn't want to tell me because he thought it would hurt me to not have my bestie anymore (I don't understand why he thinks we can't be besties if he were a boy) and thought that killing himself would have been easier.

I haven't told anyone yet. He's turning 15 tomorrow. I've set him up with a gender therapist and said I'm here for him. Just wanting to pick other parents brains here.