Some familial background: i am a 37yr old bisexual female married to a 38 cishet male we live in Southern California . We are an incredibly inclusive household in all aspects. We have 2 kids 13yr who was born a boy and an 11 yr old who was born a girl . I’ve have always raised my kids pretty gender neutral . I never pushed any of the typical gender ideologies and always took a child lead approach to clothing , toys , tv shows ect . We have always been very vocal in our household in regards to LGBTQ+ rights and loudly pushed back against any discrimination. I consistently did check ins with my kids from early on , in age appropriate ways regarding any gender dysphoria and sexual preference. Neither of them had ever given me any reason to believe they weren’t comfortable in their birth assigned genders. They have also known that mom is bisexual and what that means from a very early age . I’m going to refer to my 13yr as they in this context because of what is going on.
This is where i need help and i hate that im even feeling this way or questioning ……
My first child turned 13 in late November . Puberty had already started at 11 and they had body hair and even started growing a slight mustache . When i did my check-ins about any gender dysphoria they might be encountering or sexual preferences they had always very staunchly declared they were happy and comfortable being a boy and that they were straight . All questions were always framed in “ hey are you feeling good in your body ? Nothing making you feel uncomfortable?” Or “ hey any girl or boys you are interested in ?” They would declare “ i like girls mom 🙄” to which i would reply “ that’s great ! Buts it’s also totally ok if you like boys too!” They told me about crushes on girls and even had a girlfriend in 6th grade . January of this year everything started changing . He made a totally new friend group at school , mostly girls , some boys, but all queer . At least 4 of the kids are trans identifying but it’s 7th grade and it’s a little murky from what i can tell . It seems all his straight male friends had taken a back burner . I was thrilled he has such a diverse friend group and told him so ! Then his behavior started changing , sneaky , lying . he came out to me about 2 months ago saying he was pansexual . I said thank you for feeling comfortable enough to tell me and daddy and i love you always , we just want you to be yourself and be happy ! I had always done random phone checks not because i don’t allow privacy but because despite always preaching safety and telling them that telling the truth means we cant be upset and they won’t be punished , they were still choosing to lie . They recently got in trouble and i did another phone check and discovered that my 13yr is identifying as TransFem and has changed their name to “ asriel “ . I immediately had a sit down with them as this news absolutely hit out of left field . I asked them how long they had been identifying as trans because i distinctly remember broaching the subject when they came out as pan barely 2 months prior and asking them “ do you feel comfortable with your gender ? i noticed you are trying really hard to grow your hair long and you won’t let me take you for a haircut , i just want to check in” . They replied “ I’m absolutely a boy and comfortable and I’m growing my hair because i like metal and play the bass !” .
So when i asked when the trans identification started , They said that “ i think i might be trans , ive just been thinking about it lately and still need to keep thinking to make a decision”. I asked why they never said anything before and when did they start feeling this way and what exactly were they feeling ? They were having a lot of issues articulating an answer . I said that transitioning is not something to be taken lightly but if they are truly a female stuck in a male body i will do everything in my power to make them comfortable and help ! They said “ i know , im still thinking , i don’t know, i just started feeling weird in 4th or 5th grade “ . I asked why they chose the name asriel because from what i know , it’s the male character from your favorite video game . They replied with a shrug.
This is where im having issue ; my child has never exhibited any signs of gender dysphoria from the time they realized they were a male up until a week ago . I never forced boy clothing , toys , or media. Not once did my child ever go through a phase of wanting to wear feminine clothing , or pretend to be a girl in name or presentation even during pretend play . Always very male identifying by his own choosing . One of the messages i found in their phone said “ a lot changed in the week i lost tik tok , im trans now” Part of me doesn’t quite believe this and thinks that this could be just a phase of trying to be socially accepted by this new friend group , but the other part of me knows how bad that sounds . I’m so confused and just shocked . We have always been such a safe household ! We told him we love him so much and it doesn’t matter what his gender or sexual preferences are .
I am absolutely going to get him in with the LGBTQ+ Therpaist in the office that i attend therapy in . That therapist is a FTM trans person himself . I also want to get him in touch with my other trans friends who live out of state . I guess i just need advice . I don’t know how i missed this or why he didn’t feel like he could tell me those feelings before .