I am trying to understand why someone would choose to stay in a marriage where you are on edge, can’t be yourself, there’s loads of secrets and sex feels like a chore.
I know the obvious things like for the kids… but why else?
I’m hoping this sub will be able to give me answers so I can understand why someone would actively choose to stay when they’d both be so much happier separately.
I have had a AP of 4 months. Both married. Both invested in this. I’m completely torn. He has no idea that I know bc I found out by looking at his SO socials. As a mom of 2 babies I feel like trash I did this to a pregnant women. what would you do? should I just disappear? if i confront, he’ll be so upset I invaded his privacy. He has been in constant contact with me. ugh.
I recently started talking to someone. They are funny, smart, and attractive. Basically, I really liked them. However, they told me they are having sex regularly with their spouse. I couldn't seem to get over this and decided to end things before it progressed into a world of pain for me. I'm not expecting to find someone who isn't having sex with the SO completely, but I am i'm a dead bedroom, no sex, no intimacy. I think I really struggled with the potential imbalance of what a relationship like that would be like. I would be relaying on them for all my sexual needs, whilst they would only rely on me partially.
I guess I am just trying to understand my feelings and the situation as a whole. It's been hard to find someone I've clicked with, but when I've found that person, I've just let them go because of.... insecurities, perhaps.
I’ve posted a number times to find an AP, and while I always get 1-4 responses each time, they typically all run their course within a week. It’s frustrating because I’m told that I’m generally what most women are looking for. I’m easygoing, non-judgmental, a great parent, and look for depth/substance over “sexy time” right away
I had an AP experience end over 6 years ago. Took me that long to recover from it. Long story. Felt easier to find one in the 2010’s. Is this what most of you experience? I’m basically burnt out now 😬.
Also, is it a dealbreaker not to have Signal/Telegram? I can’t for my own OPSEC reasons but have Discord and GV. Any better options for someone who cant use anything like those two apps?
I've just had three days away with my AP, as usual, we we're glued at the hip and had an amazing time, and it's not all about sex with us either.
When we first met, he asked me for exclusivity, which is exactly what's on offer, so all good.
The moment I knew he was special, I deleted Facebook dating. I found him and want to focus on him alone.
I've noticed he gets alerts from Facebook dating still, and twice I've mentioned it (in a light-hearted manner), his reply is he's not using it and that's the end of that. But why would you keep your dating profile if you want exclusivity? He's a kind, honest man and I'd be really surprised if he's doing the dirty on me. How can I ask him to delete it to put my mind at rest? How do I not look controlling or full on for asking him to close his account?
He's single, I'm not, and I'm now (post amazing few days) feeling apprehensive and questioning his intentions. I'd be devastated if he's a player because I had hoped this would be a long-term arrangement, what if he's not who I thought he was?
Why do guys get so offended when you call them out for not reading your post.
I literally put up a post months ago stating I was looking to chat with someone in the northeast. If you tell me you’re from Michigan or Ohio, you best be sure I will call you out for not being able to read and for living in an insignificant flyover state.
Some guy literally reported me and then blocked me. Like how immature can you be?
Internalized misogyny runs deep I guess but jfc I’m in my 40s. Sigh.
Not long ago, feeling lonely, barreling towards 40 and knee deep in my first midlife crisis, I slid over to the my NSFW side of reddit. I craved connection that is missing here at home. After weeding through what seemed like endless dick and boobs photos I stumbled upon a post that spoke to me. A man, very local to me, close to me in age, trying to fill a void that married life wasn't filling.. dead bedroom, all of it.. he was looking for the same thing I was. His post ticked all my boxes. I drafted up a message, and after about 12 hours of deliberation, I sent it. I hadn't even been looking for an AP, i didn't even know what "AP" stood for. I was brand new.
Fast forward. We were talking for several days, he taught me about OPSEC, and we had moved to Telegram, which seemed fine to me. We sent photos everyday, and voice messages. I loved his voice.. and he was so so so handsome, and he said he was attracted to me, as well. He raved over me, made me feel special. We bonded over Avril Lavigne and the Sopranos especially.. interacting with him was the highlight of my day. I've never just clicked with someone like that.
2 weeks ago, had had a very busy week. I had apologized several times for not being as attentive as I wanted to be. I had a presentation I was panicking about (which he gave me so much support over..), and a friends trip that weekend. He had spent the whole week uplifting me, and I told him I was going to return the favor now that I finally had some free time. I now worry that he thought I was breadcrumbing him but I thought I was very clear... He went to bed earlier than usual Sunday. I was bummed because I was finally home and able to chat. I don't remember if my last message left room for negative interpretation. I think I expressed excitement for a meeting we had planned. Next morning, I wake up, get my kid to school, flip my telegram app open to wish him a good morning and...
..the messages are just gone. His account is just.. gone. I'm not blocked, it's like he never existed. *Poof.*I fly over to Reddit. "Deleted." In a panicked rage, I delete my account too. Instant regret. Ok. Create a new account. Realize I'm in jail for 7 days or longer and unable to post in many groups.
**...I don't know if I'm more upset that he just disappeared without explanation, or that he gave me my spark back, only to snuff it out. **
That he made me feel emotions I haven't felt since I was in my 20s. Not just the dopamine rush as we shared intimate details with each other, and got vulnerable, excited for every message... but also the chaotic turmoil that rips at your heart and gut as you suffer in silence at home because who can you confess this heartbreak to when this secret person just vanishes? Certainly not your SO….
Four days in I actually went to our intended meeting spot, a glimmer of hope that he would show up. He didn't, of course. I hate that someone I in retrospect still hardly knew had the ability to turn my whole world upside down. I'm so angry. I'm heartbroken.
I don't know how some of you go in over and over again. I commend your optimism and hope... I'm so broken by this experience that I really don't know if I have the heart to try again. I wasn't even looking for him, and he was there. It was perfection. I don't think lightning strikes twice. Not for me.
I wish I knew what happened - did he get caught? (I hope not! He was so vocal about OPSEC, if she caught on that quickly, he's never going to be able to carry anything on...)
Did he change his mind? Did he think I wasn't giving as much as he was? Something I didn't consider until yesterday and now I can't stop, did he find someone "faster" than me? Couldn't ANY of these things be communicated rather than leave me to spiral for a week? I hadn't even thought to discuss ghosting with him.. he made me feel so so safe...I still hope one day he will offer me some kind of explanation....let me know he's ok. (Always with the scenarios)
I need this feeling to go away. My work is suffering; Compartmentalizing is so hard when you have to do it every hour of every day. It's spring, my favorite season and I'm just lost and depressed. I hope that I can move on and maybe dive in again one day, or that I'll just accept my life as it is for now. Anyway, and if you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading this novel..
It's been one week (barenaked ladies flashes through your head) since he left me.
I guess I “gotta get over it” as Tony Soprano would say. (*pan to Furio crying alone in the car*)
This sucks!
I don’t even know if I’m looking for advice or if I just need to scream this into the void because I can’t talk to anyone in real life about it.
I’ve been having an affair with a married man for almost a year. It’s long distance, a few hours apart, so we only see each other about once a month, but outside of that we’re constantly talking, texting, on the phone, connected in basically every way except when he’s home with his family.
Back in October, I finally left my husband. Honestly, my marriage had been dying long before this affair started. I was deeply unhappy. I felt stuck, controlled, and like I was shrinking myself constantly. I wanted to grow my business, travel with my son, build a different life, and every dream felt like a fight. Leaving wasn’t because of my AP specifically, but meeting him made me realize how unhappy I really was and how badly I wanted more out of life.
Now I live on my own with my son part-time. I’m juggling single motherhood, running my business, rebuilding my life from scratch, and being hopelessly in love with someone else’s husband.
Here’s where my brain is spiraling lately.
Earlier this year, his wife found out about the affair. He told her everything. I genuinely thought that would be the end of us. Instead… somehow it wasn’t. He stayed. According to him, they barely talk about anything except the kids now. She’s apparently never brought the affair up again after that first confrontation.
And I cannot stop thinking about her.
What is going through her head? Is she pretending it didn’t happen? Is she waiting for the other shoe to drop? Is she quietly miserable? Does she think he ended it? Is she staying for the kids too?
I know people will say “well, ask him,” but I feel like every answer I get is filtered through his guilt, fear, or avoidance anyway.
He says he’s unhappy. He says he loves me. But he also says he can’t leave because he doesn’t want his sons to hate him. His kids are older than mine, so I understand why divorce feels heavier and more explosive for him. But at the same time… I already blew up my life. I already made the hard choice. Sometimes I feel like I’m sitting here holding all the consequences while he gets to exist in both worlds.
And the worst part is I don’t even want anyone else right now. I technically want ENM eventually, but emotionally I’m attached to him. Dating sounds exhausting because every time I talk to someone new I just compare them to him.
This weekend I had a dream that everything blew up again and ever since then I’ve been stuck in this weird anxious headspace where I can’t stop thinking about his wife, his marriage, and whether I’m building my future around someone who may never actually choose me.
I don’t know. Maybe I just needed to say it out loud somewhere.
Looking for opinions from men who are in long term affairs and love their APs. How much do you want to know about your AP’s life? More specifically, if she went out to dinner with her spouse, do you want to know? How about if there was a special event they attended together and the husband asked to have sex.. would you want to know? And if your AP declined, would you want to know?
Hi, I'm new here, 40F. Been married for almost two decades, two kids in their early teens. All my life I've been the good girl, always going by the rules, never lying about anything, good grades at school, very few friends, introvert nature- you get the picture. I married my first real boyfriend, never had had sex with anyone else and never missed it. I married him for love. He wanted to be sure that we would have kids and insisted on me getting pregnant before marriage. Back then that demand really hurt me a lot but I was in love and I did it.
Our marriage has been pretty normal, even good I'd say - he likes staying at home, intelligent, no cheating, no fighting about anything. We're still having sex every now and then, we have friendship and kindness between each other. We both have good professions so money was never a problem. His only flaws are that he likes to sleep a lot and I mean a lot (has nightshifts) and I often feel like I have to deal with everything by myself - the home chores, taking the children to the beach without him when we're on a vacation, he even refused to come with us on a family vacation to another country. And we never talk about feelings and stuff - I can cry my soul out in the other room and he won't ever notice. Lately we only see each other in the evenings.
I know it's terrible of me but at a certain point I realised that I don't want to be a saint anymore and that no one will be grateful for anything I do - not him, nor the children and soon enough I met a man who took an interest in me and I saw something special in him. He was not the first to take a chance but I was never the cheating type. I was hesitant and scared at first but I wanted to see where that would lead. I enjoyed the texting and the attention and feeling like a real woman, listening to sweet words whispered in my ear and giving love back.
And here I am now - very much in love with AP but I still don't have the guts or the will to ruin my SO's life. AP is very intelligent and very sensitive, he's more passionate. Maybe it's best to keep things as they are but he's about to leave and go back to his small town and work there. I don't want to lose him. I can imagine having a child with him (he doesn't have any) but I'm so confused. I don't want my children to suffer, I don't know if they would get on well with him and I don't think my SO deserves a breakup.
What would you do?
A little over 1 week since DDay, my (27f) 2-year affair with my married man AP (45m) has been discovered by his wife and everything feels like the world is ending.
He has made attempts to contact me and keep me updated throughout the week, messaging only briefly to check in and emphasize the importance of not messaging him first… he is doing major damage control.
I got threats from the wife, I hear she is really struggling.
He has not been able to write much. And the last two days have been silent… last I heard the wife’s family was coming to their home.
I’m spiraling in my own head.
I feel powerless.
I’m worried for him. And I’m worried for the future.
This is a huge moment to decide whether or not I can continue with him… but my heart was so in it.
Unsure whether to accept the loss and grieve from here… let him go… or if I should wait for his next move.
He will be away for work in two weeks and has said he will call me then and we can discuss everything…
I’m afraid of that conversation.
I miss him terribly and I want to talk this all out… but I fear this could either be the end, or the beginning of a deeper secrecy that I don’t know if I can handle after seeing this aftermath.
I’m compulsively checking messages, re-reading old chats, looking at our photos…
I think I’m really grieving and I feel lost. Unable to express this feeling in daily life.
I've been seeing my AP off and on for 2 years now. He is definitely an avoidant and im patient with him because the juice is worth the squeeze....iykyk
Literally last week we were back on, planning to meet up, and things never worked out. I assumed we'd try again this week..we always catch back up.
He is now just....gone. poof...like he never existed. Like I never existed.
Ouch. Freaking OUCH.
I was involved with an amazing man off and on for a couple of years. Our chemistry was out of this world and we shared everything with each other. We lived in different states but were able to meet up a handful of times. In all of those encounters, we never had full blown sex (I’m not counting oral). There was always a reason between the two of us, and I think we both really enjoyed the anticipation of drawing things out and always saving that “for next time.” We had such a great connection that it never bothered me.
Fast forward to us parting ways because I was starting a family with my husband and he had his own things in his life he was focusing on. Now here I am, pregnant and really lusting after fantasies of all the amazing sex we could have had. I never thought I would regret not having sex with someone, but here we are. Let this be a lesson to fellow adulterers, when you’ve found a great match and you both want something, go for it. Life is short. Bang the hot guy.
Throw away because I don’t want this to get seen by my husband or family. So for context, my co worker and I have known each other since 2020. We have been working together at two separate jobs, but most recently together at our current job for a couple years. We are both married and I thought at one point that we were attracted to one another, but thought I might me making it up so I pushed it down. Well recently we had a party and after a few beers he admitted he had always been into me but never made a move because I’ve been married the entire time we’ve known one another. We kissed after a few drinks then went out to a bar with friends for continued drinks and ended up sleeping together in my car. It was great. The sex was fantastic and I’ve been fantasizing about it nearly every day. The sober version of me knows it’s wrong for multiple reasons, which I told him, but I secretly wish it could continue. Any advice on how to proceed? I don’t want to blow up my family or my job, but we are both clearly attracted to each other and I think I might want to continue. Any advice, however sobering, would be appreciated.
Is the search always this exhausting? The men are nice and smart and funny enough but they almost always want to immediately jump into the physical stuff, or want to become “exclusive” without taking any time to get to know the woman, or perhaps just want a one night stand. None of the above is wrong, who is anyone here to judge. But whatever happened to also the good old fashioned stuff? Am i asking for too much?
It's my first time. I'm in a DB scenario and have met someone, albeit online.
We began chatting, not relevant to anything sexual, we got along great and I disclosed that I am married with a child and not looking for anything. He also has a partner. But surprisingly, we live in the same country.
We spoke for hours, and then days and then months, all day every day as much as we could, and genuinely clicked. Then got closer intimately.
We still do.
And now he wants to meet. I've booked a flight, he has booked accom.
Here's the thing, I have feelings invested now, and I want to know how I can recognize if he is equally as invested.
I'd be prepared to leave my husband for him, he has said something similar... But what are the chances he is just saying that.
He has said "if we meet, and the connection is real .. I will convince you to change your future with me"
How often do people cheat on their partners/spouses with no intention to leave?
Hi everyone,
Its that time!!
Vent, rant, share, talk...goes on.
I’m lovingly attached and for reasons I won’t get too deep into, there is a huge void of intimacy. I’d love to find a FWB who wants real connection but total discretion. Is that possible? I’m a marrow-sucking, fun-loving, wine and coffee and philosophy cinema junkie. Is there a sub for that, 😂 Rounding 50, I have more energy and verve for life than most lost 30 year old wanderers I’ve met, but I love the journey, love the exploration, would love to share that intimately with someone. I’m not new to this world, but to Reddit as an entry point. Anyway - thought I’d say Him and open to advice? Worth my time, or out of luck?
After 7months of intense love and chemistry. An affair that turned into a relationship. We chose each other with all the flaws and imperfections. We planned a future together.
Dday happened. Kids got in the way. Families knew. Our future got doomed even though they are divorcing but having the husband and kids mad at me for life was just hard to imagine.
We tried to keep going for 2 months. Things became very toxic and kept hurting more people.
I miss her everyday. I read our conversations. I look at the photos…
I ended up leaving my SO to sit through the grief..
I went no contact and then we broke it. Now another week of no contact.. I’m blocked everywhere.. I caught her unblocking me to check my social media
As a woman, do think about your ex affair partner? Do you remember the places you’ve been to? The words? The songs? Even if things ended on bad terms?
I tried to block my emotions for a night, I brought a girl home that was fucking gorgeous and wanted to jump into a relationship.. I slept with her just to feel again but I couldn’t stop thinking My Ex… I couldn’t even cum after 1.5hrs of sex
I don’t know how to move on.. I get angry sometimes and sometimes I think its best it all ended because we caused so much destruction.
I will forever love her and I hope it was just as real for her
✅Edit: I wrote this as I’m listening to
“Black by Pearl Jam” 🎵 if you know you know