So in love with AP but in good relationship with SO and we have children
Hi, I'm new here, 40F. Been married for almost two decades, two kids in their early teens. All my life I've been the good girl, always going by the rules, never lying about anything, good grades at school, very few friends, introvert nature- you get the picture. I married my first real boyfriend, never had had sex with anyone else and never missed it. I married him for love. He wanted to be sure that we would have kids and insisted on me getting pregnant before marriage. Back then that demand really hurt me a lot but I was in love and I did it.
Our marriage has been pretty normal, even good I'd say - he likes staying at home, intelligent, no cheating, no fighting about anything. We're still having sex every now and then, we have friendship and kindness between each other. We both have good professions so money was never a problem. His only flaws are that he likes to sleep a lot and I mean a lot (has nightshifts) and I often feel like I have to deal with everything by myself - the home chores, taking the children to the beach without him when we're on a vacation, he even refused to come with us on a family vacation to another country. And we never talk about feelings and stuff - I can cry my soul out in the other room and he won't ever notice. Lately we only see each other in the evenings.
I know it's terrible of me but at a certain point I realised that I don't want to be a saint anymore and that no one will be grateful for anything I do - not him, nor the children and soon enough I met a man who took an interest in me and I saw something special in him. He was not the first to take a chance but I was never the cheating type. I was hesitant and scared at first but I wanted to see where that would lead. I enjoyed the texting and the attention and feeling like a real woman, listening to sweet words whispered in my ear and giving love back.
And here I am now - very much in love with AP but I still don't have the guts or the will to ruin my SO's life. AP is very intelligent and very sensitive, he's more passionate. Maybe it's best to keep things as they are but he's about to leave and go back to his small town and work there. I don't want to lose him. I can imagine having a child with him (he doesn't have any) but I'm so confused. I don't want my children to suffer, I don't know if they would get on well with him and I don't think my SO deserves a breakup.
What would you do?