u/Royal-Recluse

A little over 1 week since DDay, my (27f) 2-year affair with my married man AP (45m) has been discovered by his wife and everything feels like the world is ending.

He has made attempts to contact me and keep me updated throughout the week, messaging only briefly to check in and emphasize the importance of not messaging him first… he is doing major damage control.

I got threats from the wife, I hear she is really struggling.

He has not been able to write much. And the last two days have been silent… last I heard the wife’s family was coming to their home.

I’m spiraling in my own head.

I feel powerless.

I’m worried for him. And I’m worried for the future.

This is a huge moment to decide whether or not I can continue with him… but my heart was so in it.

Unsure whether to accept the loss and grieve from here… let him go… or if I should wait for his next move.

He will be away for work in two weeks and has said he will call me then and we can discuss everything…

I’m afraid of that conversation.

I miss him terribly and I want to talk this all out… but I fear this could either be the end, or the beginning of a deeper secrecy that I don’t know if I can handle after seeing this aftermath.

I’m compulsively checking messages, re-reading old chats, looking at our photos…

I think I’m really grieving and I feel lost. Unable to express this feeling in daily life.

I (27f) am coming to terms with being a serial cheater/ serial “other woman” in my relationships. Recently I’ve been entertaining things with a potential partner who is very much solo-poly ENM, and he’s expressed interest in me as a potential primary partner/ LTR.

This is all really new, and I’m trying to translate my experiences from the hiding/secrecy of affairs into the open communication of ENM. Along with the shift in being the object of desire as “the other woman” and how that inevitably will evolve into having to face standard jealousy responses and the fade of NRE as a primary partner.

For context on the “serial cheater” moniker:

I have betrayed most of my monogamous partners throughout my dating history. Even those I genuinely loved. I always kept it hidden, and I have examined this as a real problem. (Impulse control? Attention whore?)

I’ve also become the “other woman” in extramarital affairs with a few different men. Only one of those men had some kind of open arrangement with his wife on a “don’t ask, don’t tell” basis… in the other situations, all was secret.

I acknowledge the pain and suffering I have caused to all those I have betrayed or in the betrayals I have assisted by these affairs. It’s not right to keep things hidden, and I want to “come clean” with this capacity I seem to have to engage with multiple partners at once. I genuinely want to reform this behavior and I’m seeking advice on how to make this transition.

The biggest challenges for me are:

-the instinct to hide these desires, so discussing openly is very new and clumsy. I consider myself relatively articulate and emotionally intelligent, but it’s new to discuss desire so transparently.

I’m very interested to hear any advice on this, as I really feel this is the major lesson for me here. I don’t want my shadow self to run the show anymore. If I can name and claim my desires honestly, then I feel I would not continue down this destructive path…

-navigating jealousy from a new place… this is probably the weirdest one. I’ve had a solid rationalization to comfort me before: married man is married, wife is part of his life. I can accept it. But still experienced jealousy when it wasn’t a dead bedroom situation.

I’ve had the privilege (?) of being the “new toy” so-to-speak as the other woman… and I worry that as a primary, I will lose that designation. I’m not sure if it’s my preference, but it’s something that would change.

I’m not sure what I will feel or how to express it once jealousy comes from a metamour who is not rationalized into the wife category.

I understand that every relationship is unique, and that communication is key. I’ve shared most of these concerns with the guy I’m talking to.

But I am curious what general advice this community might be able to provide me as a newcomer given my background.

Please be gentle, I’m not proud of my past. I’m genuinely looking to find an honest way forward.

Any advice appreciated.

Edit: FORMER / RECOVERED “Serial Cheater.”

This is not a label I wear proudly, nor that I currently identify with. I understand that everyone has a right to be suspicious of the patterns behind this behavior, and in good faith I have disclosed and discussed these aspects of my history to the potential partner in question.

I am seriously not interested in hiding or lying or betraying anyone. I am here to understand ENM as the opposite of the mistakes I have made, and I want to honor the boundaries and limits discussed and established in any future relationships I might explore.

I have been to therapy, I have seriously examined myself and my mistakes. I am here to avoid any more pain and to seek the best avenue possible for transparency and honesty in navigating these relationship dynamics, NOT looking for a coverup for infidelity.