r/Suicidal_Comforters

I am a disgusting horrible evil person and I know that I deserve to die. I have ocd and I constantly relive the horrible things i’ve done from ages 13 and under. I will never ever let go of these things. I can’t believe how much of a horrible child I was and I feel SO guilty every single day that I don’t deserve to eat, sleep, live. I used to self harm in every physical way and right now I feel like I am just done. I can’t do this anymore.

I wanna cut myself again. I've been doing it on and off since I was 12, I'm 24 now. It makes me angry that I can't just do it without everyone looking at me differently or worrying about me. I'm sitting in bed, annoyed, because I want to go sit in a nice hot shower and slice myself up a bit but my fiance will find out tomorrow. It'll hurt him, he'll be worried, I'll feel bad, I'll have to go over it in therapy and it'll just be a whole thing. It definitely doesn't sound like it but I've been making a lot of progress on myself and mental health lately though it's been a rough few weeks and I'm just craving the release. Why is it so much worse than any other bad vices like drinking or nicotine? I'm not trying to kill myself, I know my limits and I always properly clean and bandage myself. I have a blade in my wallet, why shouldn't I?

I’ve written many of these and I always toss them, but I recently started writing the one I consider the “final” letter. So far it’s a page long and it will probably get longer. I’m trying to make sure that the people I leave behind know it wasn’t their fault and that I love them.

Writing it has made me sad many times. I’ve had to stop to to cry, and then I go back to it. It’s taken me a week so far because I have other things to do. I’ve donated lots of stuff, sold some stuff, and packed things I’m not ready to let go of.

I’m sure it’s sad to read this and I know it will be so hard for my family and friends to read my goodbye letter, but I can’t do this anymore. I’m a failure. I’m stupid. I should have listened to everyone who told me I was worthless. I should have ended it when I was still in high school. My family would be over it by now.

I can’t decide if I’ll write the final version by hand or type it up. By hand is probably better.

I’m so tired, and I’m looking forward to going to bed for a long time.

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I ended my 3 year on and off relationship in mid March. She wasn’t doing well emotionally, so I continued helping her and supporting her morally. Yesterday, I found out that she hooked up with another guy within 10 days of our breakup.
This is not the first time something like this has happened. Around 1.5 years ago, we were on a break and she briefly dated another guy. It took me a long time to recover mentally from that experience. I know we were technically on a break, so I can’t really blame her, but it still hurt deeply.
A couple of things are haunting me right now. First, it took us a lot of time, trust, and emotional effort to become intimate, and now all I can think about is how casually she may have hooked up with someone else. The mental images are affecting me so badly that I can barely think clearly. My hands are shaking. Today at the gym, I pushed far more weight than I could safely handle just because I hoped the physical pain would distract me from these thoughts. Please help me how to deal with this.

Hi, im M19, soon to be 20 and im thinking of killing myself. I cant figure out the purpose of why am i still here and im tired of the pain and the uncertainty. Whats keeping me alive right now is mostly my ex girlfriend and grandmother, she wouldnt handle my death and it would destroy her. I grew up with a hatful mentally unstable mother without a father because i never really got to know him and then he died when i was 16 of suicide. My mother last September kicked me out of the house and in meantime i found a girl i deeply fell in love with. I was staying at my friends house because i had nowhere to go and i couldnt stay there forever so i had to move countries because my grandmother lives somewhere else and so i moved to her place right after meeting the girl. She was amazing and she gave me so much hope and love and i felt like as long as i have her ill be okay but i had to leave so we did long distance and i promised her ill come back. I found a job for a while in a new country and it was terrible but my girl kept giving me hope. The whole time in a new country was destroying me mentally because i didnt socialize, lost my job, anxiety got worse, didnt have much to do and so i became dependent on her. We found ways to see each other again i flew for her and stayed at her house, met her mom and it was great, except for the painful goodbyes. She then flew to me and met my grandmother and i was so grateful but i fucked up.
I dont know what happend but when she fell asleep i got anxious and i struggled with retroactive jealousy and so i went through her phone and found something from her relationship before me in her friends chats and it destroyed me. I couldnt stop thinking about it even though it had nothing to do with me. She found out i went through her phone and confronted me about it. I apologized and told her it has nothing to do with her but its my own messed up head. After that things went back to normal and after she left, weeks after i told her what i found out because it was hunting me in my head every day and i didnt know what to do anymore but i told her in the worst time possible because she was at the ski course with her friends. She was angry, sad, she cried so much and i completely destroyed her trip. I crossed boundaries and she made it clear that if i do it once again behind her back she will leave me. It hurt but i caused it myself. Things were never the same again though. We constantly argued about everything. I was anxious and and she was an avoidant. I kept pressuring her and overwhelming her with my own emotions, she distanced herself more and more. I never got her the space to open up and forced her through it and so she distanced herself more and built up resentment until she became numb one day and then it went on for a month like that. She was no longer affectionate, she felt neutral constantly, no calls, barely wanted to speak to me for a whole month. Things were different and the more she distanced herself the more i panicked and got anxious and feared that im gonna lose her but she was comfortable being distant. I finally crashed out and cried so much and tried to speak to her about it but there was no solution. She didnt know what to do and i was unhappy which she was not comfortable with but she couldnt do anything. Then it turned into an argument and i said something mean that made her stop speaking to me and went to sleep. Next morning she said i pushed her limits and broke up with me after i pressured her into making a decision right now to remove the uncertainty. I regretted it right after and she stood by her decision. its been 18 days since then and she made it clear that shes happy now and shes planning on moving on and she doesnt want to be in that relationship anymore. I caused it because i made her feel like shes never enough even though she always was but i needed more over my issues. Everything was revolved around me hurting instead of actually fixing the problem and she never got the space she needed.
I tried doing no contact, gave her space for a week, then texted her, gave her some space after that and tried talking to her again but she maintained being neutral and stood by her decision. Yesterday i texted her again after seeing her reposts and it seemed its aimed at someone and i panicked because its either me or shes already interested in someone else. Yesterday she made it clear that shes happy now and that i have to let go. I asked if theres another boy and she said there isnt but she wont have to tell me in the future. I was so scared of saying goodbye but she begged me to let go of her. I felt shocked because the whole time i was holding onto a hope that she might come back one day but her saying "please let me go" destroyed me. She genuinely doesnt want to be with me anymore and my absence is not bothering her even though she still loves me but love was just not enough. Yesterday i lost all my hope. Im moving back to the country tomorrow and told her that and asked if we could see each other and she said no and that its not a good idea. Im moving back to join the police forces even though right now im struggling mentally and im afraid that i wont pass the psychological exam. Physical exam should be fine even though its been around 20 days since i hit the gym and i stopped eating since what happened. Im moving back and i feel totally alone. I barely have any friends or anyone to rely on, im gonna be without a family. She gave me purpose and hope of a good life. When i imagined future i imagined her. Now i dont know what am i gonna do with my life. If i dont pass the exams i think thats gonna be my final and ill just kill myself. I dont want to do if i dont want my ex girlfriend to experience that pain, i also dont wanna do it to my grandmother but im just in so much pain and im so tired of everything. I just wish to sleep forever. I feel so lonely. Only my grandmother makes me feel at least a little safe but sometimes i snap at her too because of stress. When im home alone and everythings quiet i feel like im slowly losing my mind. I miss my girl, i just cant believe shes doing this good without me. I wish i could reach out to her and say "i dont want to pressure you but im thinking of killing myself but i dont want you to hold it against yourself im not holding it against you its just that speaking to you makes me feel better" but how can i reach out to her with something likes this especially after breaking up. Im scared that once i move back and ill be in the same country it will get only worse. i dont have no break, the whole day i feel anxious, hurt, weak, tired and unmotivated, i struggle to fall asleep, when i do i have nightmares, then when i wake up its like everything hits me all over again, i go into a panic mode, my legs start to shake, i feel cold, weak, hurt and exhausted all at the same time. I miss how warm, calm and safe she made me feel. I miss her so much. I wish i was okay, maybe we would actually last like we wished to. She made me want to become a better man. She brought colors to my life, she made me love life and romanticize everything. Everything beautiful reminds me of her. Her leaving feels like she took a part of me with her. Even though yesterday she made it clear she doesnt want to be with me anymore, i cant help but still hope even just a little that shes gonna come back, the day she finds someone else will be the day everything hits me all over again. I wish that day wont ever come but what can i do from this point, love wasnt enough then why would it be now. I dont think ill ever be able to love someone as much as i love her, i dont think ill ever move on from her, shes the closest i found to a soulmate, i mean she is mine but im probably not hers. I cant handle more loss anymore, im already struggling with not thinking of suicide. I feel like im cursed with losing everything i ever loved. I just want to cry but ive been crying for the past month constantly. I dont have anyone to speak to so this post is me venting but im here for all advices, opinions and thoughts.

Hi everyone. I am a 25 yr old male . I think I’ve been heavily depressed since 14… there’s been a few times I think I’ve felt a little better? But also I believe those times were just due to drugs or other coping methods like religion. I was a Christian but kinda falling out of it now. I’ve realized for 11 years of my life I’ve been miserable! I didn’t know it wasn’t normal to be suicidal everyday… I have had a few weak attempts but I was scared I’d go to hell and all this would continue in the afterlife. I’ve tried out so many damn resources but man… it seems it’s just worse and worse. Really can’t find motivation for ANYTHING. The way I talk and act people always poked fun that I’m like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, which is funny sometimes but also completely crushing that depression has become my main label and my whole identity….I believe this will be about my last call then maybe I can muster the balls. If anyone has last resort methods or something please lmk asap… thanks everyone hope yall have beautiful life’s. Does anyone also feel like depression is PHYSICALLY affecting them? Like weak in the knees, tired , like you literally have a weight over you? Thanks for reading if you made it this far…