r/QueerWomenOfColor

So, my job has me going to this three-day conference. The first day was chill. It was informative and the audience was respectful. But today…today highlights exactly why I hate the elderly and older generations. Because the first section of the day was on the LGBTQ+.

Now I feel I need to preface this rant by stating what my job is. I work in Homeless Outreach. So, like nurses, you would think the people who work it are compassionate. If you thought that, youre wrong. As hell.

Throughout the entire section I heard disgusting snide comments. Constant sidebar. And just the general vibe of the conference was disrespectful. I was beyond agitated. Couldn’t stay still agitated. Both legs bouncing agitated. Consistently side eyeing the fuckers that wouldn’t shut their mouth agitated. As the presenters were wrapping up, I was fuming and was ready to go off. Thankfully, for their sake, a gay Black man spoke up and very professionally stated that there was no room for ignorance in this day and age. When there was a break in the conference, I talked to him and thanked him for speaking up and doing so professionally. Because, unfortunately, when I get to a point, I cannot be professional. I was fully ready to tear the room a new one. And a part of me wishes I did.

Because for every other presentation, people were quiet, engaged and respectful. But for some reason they just haaad to make it a point they didn’t give two fucks about the LGBT community. And what pisses me off more is that most of the homeless we encounter are members of the lgbt community! So, if this is their attitude in a professional setting how tf are they treating people when doing outreach?? And the people I was sitting around were mostly Black, so that just added to my anger and, honestly, hurt. Because I love being Black., I love the Black community. But its moments like this that remind me why I never fully feel connected to the Black community. Because even in a room full of minorities, I still found myself feeling ostracized. And I’m sure the few queer people in that room felt the same.

I have situational anorgasmia. For me, this means I have never orgasmed with a partner but, have no problem managing it on my own.

It has always bothered me because I’m able to get my partners off no problem—multiple orgasms in a session and, not tooting my own horn, but they tell me that they’ve “never met anyone like me”. It’s nice for the ego, but the blow comes when it’s my turn and it just won’t happen.

I give instruction and they follow it to a T. They pleasure me for hours and nothing happens. It’s just a steady pleasurable sensation with occasional jumps in intensity but… largely staying on the same frequency (in terms of how my body registers what they’re doing).

There’s no mounting pleasure. It’s just steady.

I know it must be a psychological block but, I just don’t know what to do. Sex therapists aren’t covered by insurance and out of pocket costs often start at $200 for a 45-min session. Ugh, way out of my price range.

Anybody else experience this? Were you able to fix it? If so, how?

Sincerely,
Miss Clit Clot

I am a girly in my early 20s who has lived in NYC for less than a year. Desperately trying to make more black & queer friends (and maybe a girlfriend lol). Please tips, tricks, suggestions where a girl can go alone and mingle/ start to meet new people. I live in manhattan, but am totally wllling to make the commute to Brooklyn.

The slow girl on TikTok basically said, “Why would I date a masc woman when I could just date a man?” I don’t really care to explain why that take is dumb AF, but I’m asking the feminine women here who are bi why do you like to date masc women, and what are the differences?

I’m femme4all, but I have a real soft spot for butches and studs.

I do feel very visible, don’t get me wrong, I just feel like I’m treated as if I am invisible? I’m not pursued to the same degree that I initiate to others, and it’s almost like they’re apprehensive or scared or something. A lot of these (especially white) lesbians will look me up and down, check me out, talk about me, etc. and love being my friend but not my partner. Weird. I get told I’m intimidating, fine whatever, but I also get complimented often. Words don’t mean the same as action.

White lesbians don’t usually know I’m queer while all of my Black and Latino queer friends knew the moment they saw me. If a stud can tell that I as an Asian femme is a lesbian, I’m sure I’m not THAT “straight looking”. And I get that I dress quite femme! I’m really into the 1950s/vintage glamour look. I’m slightly gothic presenting, and I’m part of the goth and metalhead music subcultures.

I’m from Oklahoma, but we have blue major cities that are very gay for young adults, so it’s crazy that I’ll see lesbians and butches out in the wild, but struggle with dating😭😭😭

I’m on FetLife, but there aren’t any TNG (young adult) munches in my area. I’m personally not comfortable with attending even educational events where I’m younger and the only or one of few Asians in the room (weird racial and age power dynamics). I also find that other college-aged queer folk or young adults are casual about kink, and there isn’t as much of the protocol or structure that I would enjoy as a kinkster.

I forget that Asians get stereotyped as submissive because I’m not really a submissive person in bed, and I also like switchy/submissive stone butches/service tops, so I think I’m just the average “domme femme” until I remember I’m also Asian and alternative and will get perceived differently. Add on that I do enjoy some OFOS (old-fashion old-school) manners outside of the bedroom where it may look like they take the lead.

I genuinely think people don’t know how to comprehend alternative (I don’t look as obviously alt) + Asian + femme lesbian + kinky. It’s genuinely hard for white lesbians especially to compute that.

I love butches but most tend to be white where I am, and the BIPOC butches are usually dating/not available or just not dating Asians I guess.

I miss showing butches love but I’m tired of it coming in the form of long-distance relationships (as in across the country or in another continent). Last crush was a white bi fem but that didn’t go anywhere. I like mine to be alternative as well (not just look, I mean in music and lifestyle).

Advice..? Discussion? I’m so frustrated grrrr.

That's it. That's the message.

FR though, black and brown girlies and theys, please flock to me. I love you. I want the cishets to stay away from me. Too many white people here in this city. And most people here on reddit stink at conversation 🤷‍♀️

Any lesbians here into casual hookups or just chill flirting not looking for anything super serious rn, just good vibes, late night talks, maybe more if we click

Also what apps are actually good for meeting women these days because these dating apps are fighting for their lives 💀

Is anyone else's love language kissing, hugging, cuddling? Like that's the only way I show love and that's the only way I want love shown to me 🫂. Is anyone else like this?

I always see posts about how some people hate affection. Are there any who LOVE it?

Any Somali lesbians in mn I can’t be the only one

As a black wlw why is hard to found black wlw irl and not online?

Y’all are not outside fr ! 🙄

Tell me how you're spending your day!

bare with me here.

to preface - i am filipino indonesian and raised in germany. maybe needless to say but i experienced a lot of dehumanization growing up, fetishized and exoticized, bullied and hated and all the things.

ive just started dating someone, its been about a month, we vibe so well and id love to grow this connection.

she is the daughter of romanian immigrants in italy, sardegna to be exact. she is also rom.
while she does look quite southern italian, she has also experienced a lot of difficulties growing up due to being romnije.

now, i was totally shocked when i first saw her flat. next to items representing her roma heritage, there was also sardegnan ones. while ive seen the sardegnan flag and seen ichnusa beer labels, i was a bit shocked that she has the flag as an intricate textile, proudly framed and displayed in her home. theres also jewelry i would consider.. questionable and that i associate with venetian style blackamoor such as some bangles and pendants. theres some ceramic tiles as well.

i asked her about this and let her know it immediately makes me feel uncomfortable and that i associate it with dehumanization, colonial history, italian nationalism and so on. she explained that instead of the usual blackamoor fashion of depicting african people in subservient roles, the four moors of the flag are figures in heraldry, a specific context - military heraldry rooted in medieval reconquista symbolism, depicting adversaries rather than servants. its supposedly a proud symbol of sardegnan identity, her home that she misses a lot. she pointed out that i have the filipino flag on different items at home too, a sunstar tattoed as well

i asked her if theres still a large presence of moorish / north african culture in sardegna, there is not. i did some history browsing on my own and to me it seems as if the influence of the moors was primarily through their absence and threat rather than presence and cultural exchange. the flag i interpret to present military conflict rather than coexistence.

so question here - how do i address this with her properly? i would rather learn and grow together, for her to be open to critically examine the actual history behind the symbolism, vs just breaking things off with her and ditching her for being problematic.

I’m super tired.

Hey all, I was just dating someone for 2 months. We both thought we were soulmates. She’s a single mom of a young child and under a lot of stress (financial pressure, limited support system, co-parent issues, and she just found out she’s pre peri-menopausal). She told me she has a mood disorder but when I’ve asked her to clarify, she can’t. She also says she can’t help it, even though she’s on meds and has been upping the dosage. Her family who’s been largely absent in her life growing up convinced her to move to my city where they live. But once she moved here they have been absent, not helping her at all, nor their grandchild. Which of course has left her feeling very alone and isolated. It feels like the cruelest gotcha of all time.

The only people who’ve had her back is one friend back home on occasion, her kid’s co-parent who is now struggling financially, and me. When things are good with us, they’re really good, but a lot of the time it’s tense long-lasting moodiness, especially in stressful situations. For example, we were meeting up at the licensing center. I was helping her with directions there, but she kept saying my tone was stressing her out or that I had an attitude and was rushing her, even though I felt I was being normal. When she arrived things escalated over small logistical issues and her confusion about where to go. I felt she was still targeting me so I requested a little space from talking. She said “Ok sure, whatever” which is her usual response to something like that.

She eventually had to leave the center and go back later because she was missing a document. She brushed past me and walked out without saying a word and then texted me a few minutes later saying she was going to print the document out. I don’t know if she thought I needed space from her entirely but that isn’t what I’d meant and her doing that wasn‘t cool in my opinion, especially since I came down to support her as a new person to the city trying to figure out her ID stuff. I think her brain interpreted “space / boundaries” = abandonment. The whole day was becoming stressful for both of us but I kept it together as best as I could.

Later, while trying to get food and run errands, her card declined but I covered it. She also had to pick her kid up from school soon and kept asking me how far away we were, then would get frustrated even after I explained. She briefly said sorry and “Fair warning Im sorry I’m still in a bad mood” And I tried to push aside the feeling that everything I did was being interpreted as wrong. At one point I became overwhelmed because she would say “Stop walking so fast, I’ve told you that before” or after mentioning the directions several times ”How far is this store we’re going to?” “Two blocks from here” “You sound irritated” ”I’m not“ “I can hear it in your tone though.”

So I say “Here’s what I need from you. Please tell me how can I help you at this moment. Do you want me to get you X necessities? Or do you want us to pick up your child first? I can help.” She seemed unsure and overwhelmed then frustrated all over again. We decide to head to the store to get items she needed like groceries and litter, but then it also became a huge criticism of me walking too fast at times, and not being mindful, and getting picked apart. I slowed down exaggeratedly, and she muttered something about “I can’t deal with this right now”. Finally, I’d had enough, tossed my stuff on the sidewalk, and yelled “Get away from me” walked away a few feet briefly, breathing heavily with tears going down my face, leaning against the closest building, feeling like I was having a panic attack. She looked confused and quietly said “What is even happening right now?” I then exclaimed “I‘ve been trying to be helpful!” I def meant to say “I need space” again but I had reached a breaking point. After that, I silently walked back to her but I was visibly still out of sorts. Without me saying a word she immediately asked for her house key back, I gave it to her, and she returned mine, and we walked away from each other. I recognize I also didn’t handle my reaction well.

I care about her and understand she has a lot going on, but I’m trying to understand what truly happened here— I have plenty of friends who married people with BPD or all kinds of mood disorders and are in longterm commitments and struggle at times, and admit it’s extremely difficult, but they are fine with constant communication. So, I struggle to be like ”We weren’t compatible“ since I think we’ve had each other’s backs when she’s not reminded of all the financial and emotional stress on a weekly basis. She didn’t anticipate what being a single mom would be like, feels frustrated all the time, can’t get government assistance because she makes too much but is in debt, and her kid seems to be stressing her out often, too. She’ll sometimes cry to us saying you don’t deserve such a moody partner and my kid doesn’t deserve such a bad mom. I know I also have to work on my emotional regulation but I don’t know how when she’s often in a tumultuous state. I would like to be her friend and maybe we can try again someday, if not, just be there for her from time to time.

Any advice appreciated on how to move forward or if you’ve experienced this?

TLDR: Introverted single mom in new city has no friends or community support because she works all the time, and is very particular about who to trust esp since her child is on the spectrum. She admitted she has a mood disorder and is moody probably 4 out of 7 days of the week. I’ve been helping her in ways financially directly, setting up online donations, making her feel seen and heard but I also have emotional regulation issues that I’m working on, but can be pushed to a point. We left each other in public on bad terms by exchanging keys and haven’t spoken yet. It’s been almost two days.

So I am concerned when white women say this about all men which includes black men

a white woman said she believes men deserve less rights and should start in jail

However I am wary as this comes from a context of white women having a history of enslaving and getting black men lynched and mass incarceration

So are you also wary of these statements

Tell me how you're spending your day!

i truly wish i could find my community in person. don’t get me wrong i have queer friends of color but i feel like i have “too many” intersectionalities to feel fully free and connected. i’m a fat, black, queer, cis woman, and chronically ill. i’ll meet people who are somewhat similar but they might struggle with fatphobia (which is understandable because we are in a fatphobic society) or i can’t meet with people in my nearest major city due to health flare ups. i really just desire to be seen and understood w all of my nuances, but i feel like i have to sacrifice being fully visible sometimes just for my other identities to be accepted.