Hey all, I was just dating someone for 2 months. We both thought we were soulmates. She’s a single mom of a young child and under a lot of stress (financial pressure, limited support system, co-parent issues, and she just found out she’s pre peri-menopausal). She told me she has a mood disorder but when I’ve asked her to clarify, she can’t. She also says she can’t help it, even though she’s on meds and has been upping the dosage. Her family who’s been largely absent in her life growing up convinced her to move to my city where they live. But once she moved here they have been absent, not helping her at all, nor their grandchild. Which of course has left her feeling very alone and isolated. It feels like the cruelest gotcha of all time.
The only people who’ve had her back is one friend back home on occasion, her kid’s co-parent who is now struggling financially, and me. When things are good with us, they’re really good, but a lot of the time it’s tense long-lasting moodiness, especially in stressful situations. For example, we were meeting up at the licensing center. I was helping her with directions there, but she kept saying my tone was stressing her out or that I had an attitude and was rushing her, even though I felt I was being normal. When she arrived things escalated over small logistical issues and her confusion about where to go. I felt she was still targeting me so I requested a little space from talking. She said “Ok sure, whatever” which is her usual response to something like that.
She eventually had to leave the center and go back later because she was missing a document. She brushed past me and walked out without saying a word and then texted me a few minutes later saying she was going to print the document out. I don’t know if she thought I needed space from her entirely but that isn’t what I’d meant and her doing that wasn‘t cool in my opinion, especially since I came down to support her as a new person to the city trying to figure out her ID stuff. I think her brain interpreted “space / boundaries” = abandonment. The whole day was becoming stressful for both of us but I kept it together as best as I could.
Later, while trying to get food and run errands, her card declined but I covered it. She also had to pick her kid up from school soon and kept asking me how far away we were, then would get frustrated even after I explained. She briefly said sorry and “Fair warning Im sorry I’m still in a bad mood” And I tried to push aside the feeling that everything I did was being interpreted as wrong. At one point I became overwhelmed because she would say “Stop walking so fast, I’ve told you that before” or after mentioning the directions several times ”How far is this store we’re going to?” “Two blocks from here” “You sound irritated” ”I’m not“ “I can hear it in your tone though.”
So I say “Here’s what I need from you. Please tell me how can I help you at this moment. Do you want me to get you X necessities? Or do you want us to pick up your child first? I can help.” She seemed unsure and overwhelmed then frustrated all over again. We decide to head to the store to get items she needed like groceries and litter, but then it also became a huge criticism of me walking too fast at times, and not being mindful, and getting picked apart. I slowed down exaggeratedly, and she muttered something about “I can’t deal with this right now”. Finally, I’d had enough, tossed my stuff on the sidewalk, and yelled “Get away from me” walked away a few feet briefly, breathing heavily with tears going down my face, leaning against the closest building, feeling like I was having a panic attack. She looked confused and quietly said “What is even happening right now?” I then exclaimed “I‘ve been trying to be helpful!” I def meant to say “I need space” again but I had reached a breaking point. After that, I silently walked back to her but I was visibly still out of sorts. Without me saying a word she immediately asked for her house key back, I gave it to her, and she returned mine, and we walked away from each other. I recognize I also didn’t handle my reaction well.
I care about her and understand she has a lot going on, but I’m trying to understand what truly happened here— I have plenty of friends who married people with BPD or all kinds of mood disorders and are in longterm commitments and struggle at times, and admit it’s extremely difficult, but they are fine with constant communication. So, I struggle to be like ”We weren’t compatible“ since I think we’ve had each other’s backs when she’s not reminded of all the financial and emotional stress on a weekly basis. She didn’t anticipate what being a single mom would be like, feels frustrated all the time, can’t get government assistance because she makes too much but is in debt, and her kid seems to be stressing her out often, too. She’ll sometimes cry to us saying you don’t deserve such a moody partner and my kid doesn’t deserve such a bad mom. I know I also have to work on my emotional regulation but I don’t know how when she’s often in a tumultuous state. I would like to be her friend and maybe we can try again someday, if not, just be there for her from time to time.
Any advice appreciated on how to move forward or if you’ve experienced this?
TLDR: Introverted single mom in new city has no friends or community support because she works all the time, and is very particular about who to trust esp since her child is on the spectrum. She admitted she has a mood disorder and is moody probably 4 out of 7 days of the week. I’ve been helping her in ways financially directly, setting up online donations, making her feel seen and heard but I also have emotional regulation issues that I’m working on, but can be pushed to a point. We left each other in public on bad terms by exchanging keys and haven’t spoken yet. It’s been almost two days.