r/Jokes

doctor: exactly where?

lady: right around the entrance, it hurts so much!

doctor: well, it's going to hurt unless you stop calling it entrance.

The soldiers arrested him and brought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caesar asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.

Caesar was shocked.

He told the guards, "To commit such an act is bad enough, but to be happy about it? As a punishment, keep him in chains, and every day make him fight armed opponents, using only the minimum of weapons! Report back to me in a week, we'll see if he's still smiling."

The guards dragged the man off.

He was still smiling.

As they were commanded, each day they made the prisoner fight.

On the first day, armed with only a net and a stick, he fought an opponent with a spear.

The next day, with only a small rope, he fought two swordsmen. And so on, he was forced to fight every day.

At the end of the week, the prisoner was in a real sorry state.

He could barely blink, let alone smile. 

The head guard came to Caesar.

"Oh, Caesar, I  have come to report on the prisoner. We made him fight each day, using the most basic weapons, like a, er, you know, whaddaya call it?"

"Gladiator?" said Caesar.

The guard snickered, "No, he actually quite regrets it now."

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

To stop ants coming in to your house leave a saucer of milk outside. The adult ants drink it & it has an effect on ant reproduction. The young are born without toes so they can't climb in to your cavity walls.

This effect is called lack toes in toddler ants.

The doctors says, "Really? Oh my, I've never heard of that before. Let's take a look."

So the man drops his pants and underwear, and sure enough the doctor sees the brightest, orangest penis he's ever seen.

"Hm," says the doctor, "do you now or have you ever by any chance worked in a dye factory?"

"Nah, never done that for work" the man replies.

"Well," the doctor continues, "do you work with any dangerous chemicals?"

"Nope, sounds too scary, wouldn't do that either" says the man.

Stumped, the doctor then asks, "Ok, do you work with radioactive materials then?"

"No, Doc, you don't get it!" the man retorts, "This can't be work related, gotta be something else! I've been unemployed for months now, all I do is sit around the house eating Cheetos and watching porn!"

Every man who’s ever looked at her, instantly got hard

One is a little rapier.

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"

The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.

A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.

"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.

"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

And the guy says, "Every morning, I wake up at 5:00, roll over, and have sex with my wife. Then I shower and shave, and we have sex again on the breakfast table.

"Then my ride-sharing partner blows me on the way to work. When I get to the office, I have sex with the receptionist, and spend my coffee break in the supply closet getting a blow job from my secretary.

"My ride-sharing partner blows me again on my way home, and I have sex with my wife after dinner."

"So what's the problem?" asks the doctor.

And the guy says, "It hurts when I jerk off."

YOU'D KNOW IF YOU WERE THERE.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland turned to the priest sitting beside her and said,

“Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course, my child. What can I do for you?” he replied.

“Well… I bought my mother a very expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It’s still unopened, but it’s way over the customs limit. I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it.

Would you be willing to carry it through Customs for me—maybe under your robes?”

The priest smiled gently. “I’d be happy to help you, dear. But I must warn you… I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father,” she said, “no one will suspect a thing.”

When they reached Customs, she let the priest go first.

The customs officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

The priest said,

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The officer frowned at the unusual answer, then asked,

“And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

The priest replied,

“I carry a marvelous instrument designed for a woman’s use — and as of today, it is still completely unused.”

The customs officer burst out laughing and waved him through.

“Go on, Father. Next!”

"You may ask me one question," he said, in a voice that sounded like thunder, "any question at all, and I will answer."

I gulped and gathered my thoughts. "God," I began meekly, "I look around at my fellow human beings, and I see so many living directionless lives, lives without meaning or purpose."

Gazing at me, God nodded, and I continued, "So I have to wonder, why did you create the universe, what is it for, and what are we all here for. So, God, please tell me, what's it all about?"

"Well," God replied, "it's like this. You put your right foot in. You put your right foot out. ..."

They didn’t believe I bought a gym membership.

as it's currently speeding away from the United States.

Why do you always play with my tits, but you never kiss me?

I think this makes us sole mates

So if you don’t sin, then he died for nothing.

The nurse asked the rabbit: “What is your blood type?”

“I am probably a type O”, said the rabbit

The Sin-ema!

But shout-out to Judas for the long weekend.