r/Jokes

The therapist tells him, “I would suggest finding a real hobby. One that gets you out of the house. Try it this week and come back.”

The man shrugs. “Well, I guess it’s worth a shot.”

The man goes back the following week and is on cloud nine. “Doc! I took your advice and I’ve had the best week ever. I must have been to a dozen different pubs, I went foraging for mushrooms, and I’ve been on all sorts of adventures.”

“That’s great to hear. What did you do different?”

“Instead of telling you, why don’t I show you?”

The man opens the door and pulls in a little person with shaggy hair, bare feet, and smoking a long wooden pipe.

The therapist is confused. “What does this person have to do with your new hobby?”

There’s a long pause before the man replies, “Ohhh. Did you say get a hobby? 

and left another accordion.

She just vanished into Finnair.

A foreign Oil Tycoons son gets accepted to Harvard, to prepare his son for life in a new country he shells out big money for a Tudor Style Mansion, and to get him to and from school he gets him a top of the line Rolls Royce.

On his first day of class he pulls up in his brand new Rolls Royce and immediately gets comments from his fellow students

"Amazing car, I took the bus to school, Im so jealous"

"Nice car, sure beats getting dropped off by your mom like I did"

Even one of his professors notices him in his class and says "Hey, I saw you pull up in a Rolls Royce. Maybe one day that'll be me, but I took the train in this morning"

At the end of the day the oil tycoon calls his son to ask about his first day at Harvard. His son responds "Dad it was amazing, just like its shown on TV but I felt a little uneasy since I came in a Rolls Royce but so many of my fellow students came in a bus, and even one of my professors came by train."

The dad responds "Ok, I've wired you $10 Million, please buy yourself a train to take to school to stop embarrassing this family"

He thinks for a moment as the officer is getting closer and then floors it, 95… 110… 140… Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows down and pulls over to the roadside.

The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where they can easily be seen.

"You were going a little fast there" the officer says "but it is the end of my shift and tonight the boys are coming over, so you have exactly one chance to explain yourself."

The man, with all the sincerity he could muster, replied "Sir, round about a year ago my wife left me for a police officer. I tell ya, that nag leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew it was too good to be true because when I saw your lights in the mirror, I thought you were bringing her back!"

Pszpszpszpszpszpszpszpszpsz

Old woman: "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"

Old man: "An elephant!"

Old woman: "Close enough!"

The engineer decides to shoot for the moon. "I'm thinking in the range of $125,000 a year or so, depending on the benefits package."

"Hmm," says the interviewer. "Well, what would you say to five weeks' vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a retirement fund with company matching to 50 percent of salary, and a company car leased every two years -- say, a Porsche?"

The engineer gaspes and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah," replies the interviewer, "but you started it."

Until their 3rd grade teacher asks "what's 8 + 8?" and they answer "I'm gonna split them"

It's cause of all the hops

They're making headlines.

The regular 9-5 rat race had taken its toll on him so he thinks long and hard about it and decides to join the monastery and take a vow of silence.

They take him to the Head monk who explains that he won't be able to speak at all and asks if he's totally sure that he wants to do this. The man says he is ready. So he is shown to his room and begins his new, albeit silent life.

10 years go by and he again meets the Head monk who says "brother you have been here for 10 years now so you are permitted to say 2 words, if you so wish". The man thinks and says "bed hard". The head monk says "ok we will fix that for you brother". Another 10 years go by and again he is summoned to see the head monk who again says he has earned 2 more words to say if he so wishes. The man thinks and says "food bad". "No problem brother we will fix that for you" says the head monk. Another 10 years go by and he goes to see the head monk who again offers him 2 words to say. The man looks at the head monk in the eyes and says "I'm leaving". "Good" says the head monk. "You've done nothing but moan since you've been here".

Poltergato.

His colleagues looked at him strangely and said, "What? Why? What's wrong with having data centers on Earth?"

The crazy electrical engineer said, "So you don't have to spend yuge-azz munz on cooling the place."

His colleagues slowly nodded, "Okay, so you will use the sub-zero temperatures of space to keep your space data center cool?"

The crazy electrical engineer wryly exclaimed, "Exactly, how's that for a SPACE heater?"

Stale wry.

If he had been named Google Crosby?

Oh well, whatever, nevermind.

The first has hope in her soul....

"My husband is constantly complaining about chest pains, difficulties with breathing, cramps and nausea. Have you got any earplugs?"

Groucho: Contestant Number One, tell us a little about yourself.
Contestant: My name is Susan Gardner. I'm a full-time mom and homemaker, and I have 17 children.
Groucho: 17 children?? That's incredible!
Contestant: Well, I love my husband.
Groucho: Lady, I love my cigar. But I take it out of my mouth once in a while.