u/Jokeminder42

The engineer decides to shoot for the moon. "I'm thinking in the range of $125,000 a year or so, depending on the benefits package."

"Hmm," says the interviewer. "Well, what would you say to five weeks' vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a retirement fund with company matching to 50 percent of salary, and a company car leased every two years -- say, a Porsche?"

The engineer gaspes and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah," replies the interviewer, "but you started it."

"I don't know," says the redneck.

The other driver says, "You and your brother!"

The redneck gets annoyed but the other driver tells him, "It's just a joke – tell it to the next truck you see."

So the redneck drives for a bit and sees another truck heading toward him. He gets on the CB and says, "Hey, buddy, do you know who the two biggest morons in the world are?"

The other trucker says, "I don't know, who?"

And the redneck says, "Me and my brother."

And the guy says, "How could you say such a thing?"

The professor nods and gets ready to call on someone else when someone yells from the back row of the auditorium, "A hundred and one."

The professor looks over his thick glasses but can't make out who had spoken. He calls on a fellow who says, "Seven."

And once again from the very back the guy yells, "A hundred and one."

The professor then calls on a very shy lady in front, who says, "Only one, sir. The man on top and woman on the bottom."

And the voice from the back shouts, "A hundred and two!"

"Tell me about it," says the second doctor. "Mr. Miller in room 325 was supposed to get one injection at 6 o'clock, but Lucy gave him six injections at 1 o'clock."

Suddenly the doctors hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hallway. The first doctor says, "Oh no! I just realized I told Lucy to prick Mr. Johnson's boil!"

Isn't it incredible that the entire universe used to be in Texas?

She went to a plastic surgeon; he added a tail.

Boy is she ugly. When she walks into a room the mice jump on chairs.

-- Rodney Dangerfield

One day he hears about this specialized whorehouse where all of the women have large noses. So he arrives, and sees all of these absolutely beautiful women, all with extra-large noses.

The guy chooses one, they go upstairs, and the guy has sex with her nose!

When he finishes, he says, "That was incredible! That was the most amazing sex I've ever had! When can we do that again?"

She sniffs loudly, and says "Right now."

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends on your frame of reference.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.

Neo: There is no chicken.

His fiancé says, "Where did you get this Porsche?"

Joe says, "It was in my garage."

His fiancé says, "What was it doing in your garage?"

Joe says, "Well, I guess God put it there."

His fiancé says, "That's ridiculous!"

And Joe says, "Well, yes, it is ridiculous, isn't it, Mary?"

Trying to be funny, her father says, "You do have a little sister."

"I do?" asks the little girl.

"Sure you do," her father says. "But, every time you walk in the front door, she is walking out the back door."

"Oh, I see!" says the little girl. "You mean she's just like my other daddy."

Because it was the same ting over and over.

Well, the monk doesn't know what this means, so he goes scurrying back up to the monastery. He finds one of the nuns and says, "Sister, what's 'head'?"

And she says, "Ten bucks, same as downtown."

The priest is silent for a moment, then says, "Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp."

"And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man.

"No," replies the priest, "but it will wipe that smirk off your face."

The reason the parents are crying.

He says, "God, no."

And she says, "Um... how about now?"

Unfortunately, standing next to her is a salesman, who says, "Good day, ma'am, how may we help you today?"

Flustered, she asks, "Sir, how much does this rug cost?"

"Madam," he answers, "If you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit when you hear the price."

Invite two Baptists

Do you know how to stop a Catholic from drinking all your beer at a party?

Neither do I.

The next day, the guy gets a bill for $16,085, and he pays it. The next month, he gets another bill for $85. He figures it's just a little supplementary bill, so he pays that, too.

Next month, another bill for $85 arrives, so he calls up the undertaker and says, "I keep getting these bills for 85 dollars. I thought I paid for the funeral already."

The undertaker says, "Well, you said you wanted the best for your father, so I rented him a tux."

One turned to the other and said, "This music sucks."