r/HOCD

I don’t know, I felt completely like I explored myself in good time in high school. Like completely. And landed on straight cis guy. Felt comfortable, proud, and accomplished.

I had a dream where I was pegged by Toriel and that made me wake up screaming crying that I was gay and then I started to see god and he would talk to me and I was convinced I switched bodies with someone. I couldn’t stop obsessing, even though I felt like I loved and enjoyed my sex with my then girlfriend. I was begging her to let me kiss her even if I found out I was gay and felt “the gap between instants of time” and called my parents at 3am after I watched Matt smith and realized I “wanted something like my father.” Then I confessed that I was gay, ugly crying, sat down, and realized 10 minutes later “I wasn’t gay. That must mean I’m trans.” And then that started and alternating between the two as OCD themes.

I was put on anti psychotics and some new medications I had never heard of and desperately searched for therapy but hate myself because I wanted to be the old me but am in my head about whether that’s closeting or somehow in denial. I keep desperately turning to ending things but won’t because I can’t make people sad. 2 years have gone by.

I got dumped about 2 months ago. I really loved her. I don’t understand why I’m balling and sobbing if I’m gay. I can’t get hard for men. But can’t get hard for women now either, and get intense bursts of mania. I am losing it. Losing it. Losing it. Losing it. I’m gonna freak out. I don’t want this to get moderated so I won’t say where my head is at but oh my god.

My brain isn’t “doing” bi. It doesn’t like it. It doesn’t like queer or anything that isn’t the binary of gay or straight. I must be gay. Or secretly a straight trans woman. Or nothing at all and I’m just straight and cis and losing my mind. I can’t do it anymore I just can’t.

I really don't get turned on by and am grossed out by and actually the word might be more like afraid of vaginal intercourse. Like I loved big boobs I used to only be able to get off to titfuck stuff or hypno stuff or mommy stuff. I enjoyed eating my partner out at the time. She would squirm and squeal and it was hot.

I feel like I could now be talked into gay stuff, which is weird now. I do feel like I legitimately explored it before and was disgusted by it and I didn't feel it stemmed from homophobia I felt it stemmed from me not being interested or aroused by it. Now I doubt everything. The doubt makes things feels so real.

And I do felt like I was very attracted to only certain kinds of women with big boobs and sometimes flat with a huge ass. Was it fetishism? I don’t know. It felt natural before. Not forced, I didn’t feel like it was anything less than automatic. But now I keep thinking it feels heteronormative.

I don't understand my sexuality.

gender wise I don't understand my deal and can't find comfort in anything

I’m not even talking about the tumor obsessions or anything. Been to so many therapists.

I am so uncomfortable sobbing. Made myself throw up 3 times yesterday when practicing if I could suck cock after ugly crying. I keep thrashing around and destroying property.

What happened. Why. Why. I miss her. Why is this real. I hate the straight to bi to gay pipeline it’s so fucking invalidating but every time I hear it doesn’t HAVE to be that I get annoyed because no answer provides relief.

Edit: got flagged for reassurance. Don’t know why. Not looking for answers. Just so far gone. Can anyone even relate is what I mean?

TOCD

my brain is trying to convince me i’ve always been in trans denial and it was a matter of time before i found out because i used to hang out with boys and i have boyish humour and i used to pretend to be a boy with my sister as a joke when we were like 6 and 8 what if all of that means something I just saw this video of a little boy playing Fortnite and i don’t know why but i got a little jealous of boyhood for a moment like if i, a girl play fortnite (which i do) most of the time we’re seen as pick mes or just less than boys. plus the female fortnite circles online get a lot of hate and in
my opinion i don’t like it very much either and i’m worried that makes me trans. It’s weird because i’ve never felt any discomfort with my gender until october last year. pfft not even discomfort. the thing is last year i had this fixation in squid game and the biggest character ship was In-ho and Gi-hun. i shipped them too. they got the most attention so my mind went boy x boy = funny and trendy. girl x girl = boring.
so i started picturing myself (as a woman) being the dominant one in a relationship so i could be cool like a boy. and one day i saw this video in october 2025 saying “i’m a girl but i wanna be in a mlm relationship.” i resonated with that. i checked the comments and the top one was “this is how i found out i was trans”.
i got scared so i went onto chatgpt and it gave me all these labels like demigirl although i didn’t feel like a boy i was also quite alternative so everyone in that community was sort of apart of the lgbtqia community too so i just thought ok that’s me. i didn’t feel masculine. i felt alt.
fast forward to november i had a dream i was wearing a suit and tie and that was because i was stressed about the trans thing. that’s what really set it off. now it’s march and it’s worse than ever. today i tested if i liked having a deep voice and i felt dizzy, wanted to cry and anxious. and now i just feel like i am one and it makes me so sad.

i was diagnosed recently and i can’t stop questioning the diagnosis. i’m not asking for any reassurance i just need to vent. and hear opinions.

i’m struggling with tocd and up until recently the thoughts have started to come with false emotions. i get butterflies a lot when i’m anxious and sometimes i get scared that the butterflies are actually me being drawn to the thought. so i just want to summaries my whole experience with this disorder.

so, when i was only 4 years old i had a very strong urge to touch all of the corners in the room. nothing would feel right if i didn’t.

when i was 10 i had to do everything 6 times, had to say “night, night” as my last words, and had to get to the door before the garage closed or i thought i’d die.

when i was 11, i started experiencing what i think was existential ocd. nothing felt real. i constantly asked my mum for reassurance that i’m real. i remember avoiding going out because i felt so dissociated. i was so scared of developing derealisation and depersonalisation and frequently checked in mirrors to see if i recognised myself, and i would also type out the word ‘derealisation’ on a keyboard on my ipad to see if the word came up. if it didn’t come up, i felt okay. but i literally couldn’t watch movies like the matrix because i was terrified.

now fast forward to when i was 12, i feared i was becoming a psychopath. i genuinely worried that i would grow up to be a murderer. i would have frequent intrusive images that would cause distress. i also had pocd around this age. for pocd in particular, i saved many tiktok videos to reassure myself that i wasnt becoming a pedofile. omg i also always thought i had posted something onto social media and always had to check that i did.

now i’m almost 14. yeah, i’m young. but my current theme tocd is really not questioning. i’m going to summarise my experience with it a little bit here.

i use envy men a lot. like i always thought they got more attention, more power and people swooned over them more than women.

i was introduced to a popular fandom at the start of 2025 which i literally loved. the main ship were two straight men. i shipped them. i admired the dynamic.

their ship got the most attention in the show. i of course blamed that on gender.

i got very jealous of the attention and wanted to be in a relationship like that. like i would try and act like one of the characters (i didn’t try to look like him i just wanted to be like him because he seemed cool) and imagined myself being with a boy (me as a girl though) and basically ‘wearing the pants’ in the relationship because the more dominant man in a mlm or even the most dominant person in a straight ship always seem like the coolest. i still imagined myself as a woman like i didn’t want to be in a gay relationship, i wanted to be in a straight relationship.

but in October last year i saw a video that resonated with me. it said “i want to be in a mlm relationship as a woman” and the top comment was “this is how i found out i was trans btw” and that dont scare me. but then i got curious. i didn’t feel like a boy and i still don’t now.

so i went onto chat gpt… yeah i know. not the best. but i told it about what i was going through and it said all these different labels which i didnt understand. demigirl however, resonated with me. at least i thought it did. i few weeks later it kinda just wore off. but i started to get involved with political matters and yada yada i was an alt girl. i was very accepting of the lgbtqia community. i wanted a future in human rights or politics. i think i kind of tried to push labels onto myself as the alt community is very diverse.

so i just left that aesthetic because again, it wore off. but in november i had a dream of me wearing a suit and tie. it freaked me tf out. like i was asking chatgpt why i had that dream. this is where my tocd started. (i have a history with ocd).

i basically got really scared and started compulsively checking my memories, my feelings and i had so many uncomfortable intrusive thoughts of me as a boy. god it’s scary. this ocd subtype ruined my holiday, my christmas and more. all of the things i wrote here are extremely hazy as ocd kind of gives me false memories.

so, yeah. i don’t feel like a guy. never have. i literally had pinterest boards of feminine clothing i wanted to wear when i was a mum/older. all i ever wanted was to be a beautiful, feminine woman. i forgot to mention that the other night i did my makeup and felt so happy. i was happy with what i looked like and for a moment, i felt absolute certainty in my gender. but then the doubt came back in. i’m so worried because it feels like i like the thoughts sometimes, especially when the anxiety fades for a second, an intrusive thought comes up like “but it would be cool and unique to be a boy” and then i panic because why did i have a split second of false desire?
I’ve noticed that my brain often gets intensely interested in new ideas, objects, or changes, even if they don’t match what I’ve always wanted. For example, when I loved Barbies, I wanted more and more of them, and that intense interest eventually faded. The same pattern has been showing up with pronouns — when I was reading someone’s pronoun list, my brain latched onto “he/him” because of the way it sounds. I really like the soft “i” in “him” and “his,” and I even thought “she/him” sounded cool because of how it flows. This reaction seems similar to how I enjoy lists, collecting things, and exploring possibilities — my mind gets excited by novelty and options, but the excitement doesn’t necessarily reflect a desire to change my identity.

At the same time, I recognize that “he/him” is masculine, and imagining myself being referred to that way feels forced and uncomfortable. My real-life instinct is clear: being called “he/him” is not me, and I don’t want to present masculine. I realized that liking the sound of something doesn’t mean I want it to apply to me. I’ve also noticed some anxiety when wearing feminine clothing that I previously enjoyed, which seems connected to my brain’s hyper-awareness and over-analysis around gender-related things. This doesn’t mean my preferences have changed — it’s just that anxiety and overthinking are blocking the natural comfort and enjoyment I used to feel. Overall, my experiences fit the pattern of TOCD: my brain gets caught up in analyzing and questioning identity-related ideas, often creating temporary spikes of interest or concern, even though my core feelings about myself remain consistent. and when My bully joined my class at school and it got horrible. I have now started online school and since I’m at home all day I have nothing to do apart from work and worry. I also had my period the other day and that made the anxiety so much worse.

And I’ve had physical symptoms. It feels like I’m developing gender dysphoria. Like I’m uncomfortable with my breasts and I fixate on whether I like having a curvy body. I’m so exhausted. Do you still think this is OCD?

i remember looking at old pictures of myself and i felt so happy. like, yes, this is me and i don’t want to change her. i could nevr forgive myself for it. but i just cannot stop crying. i’ve started emdr therapy and it made me feel like i want the thoughts even more.

i’m super affected by misogyny and everything. and why am i bringing up past memories that meant nothing at the time like when i dressed up as mr wolf with a suit and tie and everyone liked my outfit and when i played with boy barbies and when i played with boys as a kid and i have boy humour.

but when i pictured myself as a boy (compulsively) i almost felt a spark of desire or excitement that i have NEVER WANTED. i think it’s because of the way i’ve always admired popular boys at school despite them bullying me so badly. i just wonder how it would feel to be one for a day. but if i was asked to press a button to change my gender since birth like be a cis boy i’d say no! i like my life as a girl and i always have. i don’t want my relationship dynamics to change, i like having girl best friends as a girl because i think girlhood is so valuable.

i’m a girl. i’ve always been one. i’ve loved traditionally feminine things for as long as i can remember. i’ve never felt any discomfort with puberty until last month.

now this all started in october 2025. to keep this short, in january 2025 i got into this fandom and loved the male x male ship. i longed to have a dynamic like that. i noticed the nore dominant one got more attention so i started picturing myself as a woman but the more cool or dominant one in a relationship with a man. but in october, i saw this video that i resonated with. it said,

“i want to be in a male x male relationship”

the top comment said, “that’s how i found out i was trans btw” and other things like “first step denial second step daniel”. i guess i got anxious. i googled labels after labels and settled with demigirl although before this i didn’t even think about my gender. since i thought yeah i guess i want to be a cool dominant woman that this is me. i also liked the \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\*sound\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\* of she/they.

so in november i had this dream that i was wearing a suit and tie. mind you, through all of this i was identifying as bisexual and had an interest in billie eilish. billie isn’t a typical feminine presenting woman and i wanted to be her. i thought she was so cool. so i adapted to that label of being bi because i thought it was cool as well. may have something to do with my adhd. i realised later that i just think some girls are pretty but nearly %100 attracted to men. this is reverent because billie eilish would wear suits but i misinterpreted this dream as something to do with my gender. i started researching.

ever since then i’ve been in distress and sadness because i feel like i’ve fully lost myself to this obsession. but it also feels like i like the thoughts somehow. but why does it feel like i like the thoughts now. it feels so real. i used to search up tocd symptoms vs gender dysphoria and i completely matched up with tocd. that was in december. now it feels like I somehow like the thoughts. This is frustrating me so much because it just isn’t fair, my girlhood has been stripped away from me and there is no return. I can’t even remember the last time I haven’t been crying about this. I have shown absolutely no signs nor have I had gender dysphoria ever.

One of my compulsions was constantly searching about sexuality on social media and here on Reddit, and I’ve been slowly stopping that.

Also, I used to spend at least 3 hours a day on Reddit, and in the last 4 days I’ve spent less than 1 hour.

I stopped checking if movies or shows had LGBT people or LGBT content.

I stopped avoiding LGBT influencers that show up naturally on my feed. If the content interests me, I watch it.

The thoughts haven’t stopped, but it’s gotten a little better. When they show up, I usually get a bit sarcastic or say “whatever” and try to move on with my day.

It’s still been REALLY hard, and I still do a lot of compulsions and ruminate a lot, but I’ve noticed a small improvement

Soon I plan to take bigger steps, but for now I’m trying to stabilize my mood and my anxiety, which is still pretty high

A few months back into last year, I was watching a pornography video about a girl sucking a dick. and I was mesmerised and amazed by how well she could do it, and my balls were going bonkers. I was so focused on her to the point where I wondered what a girls' experience would feel like during sex. She was having fun by the looks of it, and I was enjoying that she looked like she was pleased, which is what it should be like during sex - to please the other partner. I was quite curious about how a girl would feel, but at that moment, a random thought pops into my brain: "Hey, isn't it gay to try and think from a girls' perspective?"

From that moment on and to this current day, I have been questioning my sexuality ever since. And it has also become much worse, as my brain now also generates STATEMENTS and IMAGES about being homosexual. To counter this, I've been trying to prove that I'm NOT what my brain thinks or says I am, by looking at millions of photos of hot women on google and porn, and have reluctantly also google searched 'hot men' to compare my attractions. It has been the same result every single time. My arousal absolutely spikes when I see women, but with men, it just deflates slowly, and I'm grossed out in the process.

I did this a few times, and I'll admit, I felt better for a while. But you see, my brain likes to be a stubborn little bitch, and wants me to keep checking if my sexuality will 'change' after reading an article about 'sexual fluidity' and 'study shows that homophobes are secretly gay' or some shit.

Growing up in a Catholic household, I'll admit that I was quite homophobic, yet I didn't actually have a valid reason to behave like that. A silly little book called 'the Bible', AKA 'the greatest story ever told' (my ass), strongly encouraged and influenced this. I left that faith a while back prior to me questioning everything about my existence, and I have looked into why homosexuality exists. Turns out, people have completely different experiences, environmentally and biologically, and I was just blindly hating all along. 

About the time where I read an article about ‘homophobes being secretly gay’ (which has become a major problem now), and because that I was previously homophobic, my brain now suggests that I’m hiding a very big ‘secret’, despite the fact that I’ve had crushes on girls all of my life, fantasised about them since Kindergarten, and have even kissed one.

I felt regretful and angry with myself. I feared what I didn’t understand, so I used anger and hatred to repulse myself from my fears, without actually looking into WHY I was really acting this way, aside from biblical influence.

The past few months I’ve gotten to know a bit more about the LGBT community, and have read some ‘coming out’ stories. I was quite moved. It’s sad to think that wonderful people identifying with their true self are treated harshly by society, and considering that I engaged in that hateful behaviour made me cry and hate myself even more. Why didn’t I question this sooner?

I have worked on my homophobia and have accepted gay as a normal thing, but I just can't see myself in a homosexual relationship. I’m sorry, I’m just not into men! I don’t know if my homophobia has truly subsided. I have been repulsed by that recurring thought so much to the point where I can’t even ‘repulse’ myself anymore because I’m so emotionally overwhelmed about my sexuality somehow being falsely misinterpreted, and that I’m actually gay, or bi or trans - whatever my brain tries to propose, despite having zero evidence. Now I can’t feel anything, I just feel numb. My diagnosis for other mental disorders are primarily responsible, but now my brain is also doubting that I really have them.

Now my thoughts are hypersexualising literally everything else, and I mean EVERYTHING and I’m starting to feel horrible about these intrusive thoughts because they are not socially acceptable. My brain has also made me ‘feel like’ I like these thoughts, INCLUDING THE GAY ONES, and I don’t even know who I am at this point. I don’t know what is real!

It’s not even questioning that much anymore, it’s just some shit like “suck that guy and get $5000” whenever I see any male, and my libido is non-existent because I’m stressing so much. I also feel like I’m just ‘forcing’ these thoughts to happen, and that they are not involuntary. Because I'm thinking so much about this, I've even come to a point where I've tried to accept that I'm another sexual orientation other than straight, but that did not work out, and it was hurtful.

I’m sexually objectifying every human I walk across to ‘prove’ my sexuality. Whenever I see an attractive woman: “Hey, I’m straight!” But whenever I see a man, I have a spike of anxiety and I experience this ‘rolling’ feeling in my groin, and I avoid looking at men or interacting with them in any sort of way so I don’t feel any anxiety, and try to think about something else instead, which I find does not work.

I’m worried that I can’t enjoy any of my hobbies anymore, because I have this underlying, almost irresistible urge to solve this ‘problem’ before I can be truly happy. I have also noticed that my thoughts and behaviours about other topics are very similar to this, and they are topics I have been obsessed with for a VERY long time. 

Whilst I have been constantly been searching for some relief on Reddit and YouTube (which has now become a habit) about my intrusive thoughts, I’m glad to see that I am not alone in this, and it is what I suspect might be OCD. I’m not going to diagnose myself, as I am seeing a psychiatrist soon to talk about these matters. 

I hate my life right now. I hope the psychiatrist can help me with this. I’ve heard this will get better but it really doesn’t look like it right now. I’m hoping and doubting at the same time. I just really needed to get this off of my chest and this subreddit allowed me to. I’m going cold turkey on all social media so I can stop looking for answers. I am done and tired.

It's gotten so bad that it's hard to talk to the same gender. Also now when I 'check' to see if a girl's body is hot (usually just pictures of like anime girls or drawings) I get turned on a little I think? everything is different depending on the day. I just want to be normal. I don't want these thoughts. Just let me live in peace smh...

I’ve gone back and forth on sharing this, but I remember what it felt like to believe I was completely alone and I'm hoping I can help someone stay encouraged to fight through their HOCD.

I’m a 36 year old guy, and my HOCD started about 16 years ago. I became really close with a friend, the kind of friendship that felt like having a brother for the first time in my life since I grew up with four sisters and no brothers. I really valued the connection I had with this guy and came to love him like a brother. Then out of nowhere, a thought showed up asking what if I was attracted to him and loved him more than a brother. It didn’t align with anything I had ever felt, and it really really bothered me. I pushed it aside and kept living my life.

I dated a lot of girls in college and had a lot of fun, which seemed to make the thoughts go away, even though they were still there in the back of my mind. During that time, I got married and started a family. My wife is truly my soulmate. I was and still am deeply attracted to her and love her with my whole soul.

But the thoughts didn’t stay away. Over the next 12 years, every time I met a guy I admired or looked up to, the same thing would happen. These were just guys I thought were cool and wanted to be friends with, but my mind would twist it into something else. I would start questioning myself, checking myself constantly, and pulling away out of fear of what it might mean.

My wife and I had a relatively health sex life, but in my mind there was always this undercurrent of doubt. Every interaction, every feeling, every moment could turn into a question. If something felt slightly off, my mind would latch onto it. If I saw a fit guy or a shirtless post online, I would immediately start analyzing what I felt. The more I tried to control it, the worse it became.

I lived like that for over a decade without any understanding of what was happening to me. I had never heard of OCD in this way. I thought I just had something wrong with me that I couldn’t explain.

Then about four years ago, everything broke wide open. My wife was six months pregnant with our third child. One morning she told me she had a dream that after the baby was born, I left her to be with another man. She brushed it off as a weird dream, but I didn’t. I felt like my entire life was going to crumble. My mind took it and ran in the worst possible direction. I started asking myself if this meant something bigger, if my life was about to fall apart, if somehow my fate was already decided for me and something was going to happen that was out of my control.

From that point on, I was completely consumed. Every second of every day felt like a battle. I was checking every thought, every glance, every interaction. I felt like I was trying to solve something impossible. I had built a life I loved with a wife and kids and a highly successful career, and it felt like I was about to lose all of it.

Eventually I couldn’t hold it in anymore. One night, in absolute misery, I prayed. I asked God that if my wife needed to know what I was going through, that He would somehow prompt her to ask me what was wrong.

The moment I finished that prayer, my wife walked into the room and asked me what's wrong.

I knew this was a direct answer to my prayer and I had to tell her. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I tried to explain what had been going on in my mind for years, how these thoughts didn’t reflect what I actually wanted or believed, and how much it had been eating me alive. She was confused, but she listened and showed me a level of support I will never forget. She told me she didn't fully understand, but she trusted me that I was telling her the truth.

For a brief moment, I felt relief. Then the doubt came back in a new form. I started questioning whether she truly believed me or if she was secretly planning to leave. I came home from work the next day and her car was gone and I was convinced she had left with the kids. She had only been at the store though. In the coming months, my mind wouldn’t let me rest out of constant fear that she was going to leave me.

I reached a point where I felt like I physically could not continue because of the mental exhaustion my mind was going through each day. I remember telling my wife I didn’t think I could survive living like this forever. I had a full on panic attack one night and wanted to die. At that moment I wished I could be diagnosed with cancer and go out in a dignified manner. She begged me to call my dad. I didn’t want to. I was afraid of what he would think and I didn’t believe he would understand, but I also felt strongly that I needed to do it.

When I finally called him, I told him everything. I told him I wasn't gay but I didn’t want to live like this anymore. I tried to explain something that felt impossible to explain. He responded with compassion and told me he loved me.

The next morning he sent me a message telling me he had been doing a lot of research that night and assured I was going to get through this, that I wasn’t gay, and that he believed I had HOCD. He told me to look it up and let him know what I thought about it.

Within an hour of researching, it felt like a light had been turned on. Everything I had experienced for the past ten years finally was explained perfectly by HOCD and the real life videos I was watching about it. I was shocked to find out that I wasn’t alone, and I wasn’t the only person who had gone through this.

Unfortunately, knowing what I was going through wasn’t enough to fix it. The thoughts kept coming in waves. Some days were better, some were worse. That’s when I realized I needed real help. I started treatment, including Lexapro and therapy from NOCD focused on exposure and response prevention. It was really uncomfortable to go through this therapy. But, I had to stop avoiding the things that scared me and stop trying to prove or disprove every thought. I worked hard at it, meeting with my therapist weekly for months practicing exposures and working on every day applications of the therapy.

Slowly, things started to change. I learned how to let thoughts exist without reacting to them. I stopped analyzing everything. I leaned into friendships with other men instead of running from them. I stopped trying to control what showed up in my mind and focused on how I chose to live.

My family supported me through all of it. I learned to be less hard on myself and to accept that I didn’t need to feel perfect to live a good life.

Now, four years later, my life looks completely different and I can honestly say that I have beaten HOCD! The thoughts still show up occasionally, but they don’t control me anymore. I recognize them for what they are and move forward without giving them power. My sex life with my wife is better than ever and we both love each other on a much deeper level than we did 4 years ago.

I run two businesses, I stay involved in my community and church, and I spend my time with my wife and our three kids. We have been through serious challenges together, including a large cancerous tumor a couple of years ago that put my wife's life in danger, and we have come out stronger together. I even have some quality friendships with other men. I wake up most days with a sense of purpose and excitement that I never thought I would feel again. There are still days that I wake up in a bit of a slump but I know how to overcome it and get back on track with a positive outlook on the day!

Looking back, it’s hard to believe how real and overwhelming and exhausting my life was for more than 10 years!

If you are at rock bottom right now, I want you to know that you are not alone. You are not a fraud. You are someone dealing with a very real condition, and you can get through it. There is a life on the other side of this that is full and meaningful.

For me, my faith in Jesus was not just a small part of this story, it was central to it. In my lowest moments, I knew I needed Him more than ever. I believe He answered my prayer in a direct and undeniable way when my wife came into that room. I believe He guided me to open up, to call my dad, and to finally discover what I was dealing with. I believe He strengthened me when I had nothing left and gave me the courage to face my fears head on.

Through all of it, I kept coming back to the same truth that I could not carry this alone. My faith gave me hope when I had none and direction when I felt completely lost. A song that became an anthem for me during that time was “Run to the Father” by Matt Maher. It captured exactly what I felt in those moments of desperation.

Wherever you are right now, keep going. There is hope. There is healing. You can take your life back. You have more to live for than you can see right now, and you will be victorious in your fight, just as I have been!

Good morning!

I wanted to ask how to deal with groinal responses and tell them apart from actual arousal in the context of sexual-themed obsessive anxieties?

After being exposed to a trigger I got an unwanted groinal response and I got very anxious and distressed, apart from the urge to monitor and analyse. I know the context of that groinal response is completely against my values and egodystonic. In an attempt to actually feel better, have some joy, cope and relieve myself, later on I decided to masturbated to content I actually liked a bit later after I calmed down.

Nevertheless now the anxiety is telling me that since I later performed in sexual things, even from contents totally unrelated to the ones that caused me distress, then also the first groinal response must have been sexual, so I am a bit caught in a loop.

My goal would be toactually be able to set apart arousal and anxiety-driven groinal response effectively! Thanks very much :)

When the intrusive thoughts get intense I go check bi/gay porn and it works very well because it makes me feel uneasy and anxious, not horny.

Then I check to BBW porn (which I truly love and I'm not ashamed of it) and it works for me.

So yeah, sounds like checking works, and I only need to check like once a month.

It makes my brain rational for big periods of time.

Note that I'm on zoloft.

It's been like 6 months since it all started, I experienced all and I found myself everyday googling and watching porn despite I don't want to... yk what kind of porn and because its feels so overwhelming and shocking.... it feels like a pleasure which.... IDK just kills me entirely....

I want to love women, sexually and emotionally and have a gf, living my life in peace and happy, with my values and beliefs.

IDK really what's worse? Emotional or sexual sensations? I lost my perception of myself, I can't even cry anymore but I want to, I want to scream and cry.... I just can't express pain as if it isn't even there....

The scenarious I make or videos of g p0rn I watch are because I want to see what I feel but, despite of fear before and guilty and shame and feeling of losing myself after, I get aroused so strong and there are many elements which give "pleasure" in the moment: shocking; (emasculating staff) romance; (which makes porn even worse) and the art style; (real porn seems less shocking, comics beeing nightmares because of how characters are drawn...)

I want to feel sexual and intimate pleasure but Im imploring to not feel that kind of warm towards men scenarious...

I want to kms because of all this 6 months and I have only around 4 weeks left. I can't take it anymore, I can't feel safe in my body....

Cara, eu já levei muitos foras de mulheres e parei de tentar dar em cima de mulheres a um bom tempo, minha mente acredito que achou disso uma armadilha e está todo santo dia me trazendo pensamentos intrusivos relacionados a minha sexualidade... Eu já tenho isso desde do fim de 2024.... Alguém tem dicas de como tirar isso da minha cabeça ?

(obviously i know they are bad and i am trying to stop them) but it’s so crazy like when a compulsion goes successfully it’s like fuck yeah i’m on top of the world i can do anything i want to life is amazing arghhhh

Me: “Let me just check one last time.”

creates scenario in the head

FALSE AROUSAL Activated

waits like a scientist

Brain: “👀 did you feel that??”

Me: “Hmm… not sure. Let me run it again.”

repeats experiment

Brain: “Results: still confused 👍”

.........

Did this so many times

even my own reactions stopped making sense.

Thought I was discovering something.

Turns out… I was just stuck in a loop.

Stopped checking.

Finally got peace.

0/10 experiment

10/10 lesson 🤗