u/laststar7

A few months back into last year, I was watching a pornography video about a girl sucking a dick. and I was mesmerised and amazed by how well she could do it, and my balls were going bonkers. I was so focused on her to the point where I wondered what a girls' experience would feel like during sex. She was having fun by the looks of it, and I was enjoying that she looked like she was pleased, which is what it should be like during sex - to please the other partner. I was quite curious about how a girl would feel, but at that moment, a random thought pops into my brain: "Hey, isn't it gay to try and think from a girls' perspective?"

From that moment on and to this current day, I have been questioning my sexuality ever since. And it has also become much worse, as my brain now also generates STATEMENTS and IMAGES about being homosexual. To counter this, I've been trying to prove that I'm NOT what my brain thinks or says I am, by looking at millions of photos of hot women on google and porn, and have reluctantly also google searched 'hot men' to compare my attractions. It has been the same result every single time. My arousal absolutely spikes when I see women, but with men, it just deflates slowly, and I'm grossed out in the process.

I did this a few times, and I'll admit, I felt better for a while. But you see, my brain likes to be a stubborn little bitch, and wants me to keep checking if my sexuality will 'change' after reading an article about 'sexual fluidity' and 'study shows that homophobes are secretly gay' or some shit.

Growing up in a Catholic household, I'll admit that I was quite homophobic, yet I didn't actually have a valid reason to behave like that. A silly little book called 'the Bible', AKA 'the greatest story ever told' (my ass), strongly encouraged and influenced this. I left that faith a while back prior to me questioning everything about my existence, and I have looked into why homosexuality exists. Turns out, people have completely different experiences, environmentally and biologically, and I was just blindly hating all along. 

About the time where I read an article about ‘homophobes being secretly gay’ (which has become a major problem now), and because that I was previously homophobic, my brain now suggests that I’m hiding a very big ‘secret’, despite the fact that I’ve had crushes on girls all of my life, fantasised about them since Kindergarten, and have even kissed one.

I felt regretful and angry with myself. I feared what I didn’t understand, so I used anger and hatred to repulse myself from my fears, without actually looking into WHY I was really acting this way, aside from biblical influence.

The past few months I’ve gotten to know a bit more about the LGBT community, and have read some ‘coming out’ stories. I was quite moved. It’s sad to think that wonderful people identifying with their true self are treated harshly by society, and considering that I engaged in that hateful behaviour made me cry and hate myself even more. Why didn’t I question this sooner?

I have worked on my homophobia and have accepted gay as a normal thing, but I just can't see myself in a homosexual relationship. I’m sorry, I’m just not into men! I don’t know if my homophobia has truly subsided. I have been repulsed by that recurring thought so much to the point where I can’t even ‘repulse’ myself anymore because I’m so emotionally overwhelmed about my sexuality somehow being falsely misinterpreted, and that I’m actually gay, or bi or trans - whatever my brain tries to propose, despite having zero evidence. Now I can’t feel anything, I just feel numb. My diagnosis for other mental disorders are primarily responsible, but now my brain is also doubting that I really have them.

Now my thoughts are hypersexualising literally everything else, and I mean EVERYTHING and I’m starting to feel horrible about these intrusive thoughts because they are not socially acceptable. My brain has also made me ‘feel like’ I like these thoughts, INCLUDING THE GAY ONES, and I don’t even know who I am at this point. I don’t know what is real!

It’s not even questioning that much anymore, it’s just some shit like “suck that guy and get $5000” whenever I see any male, and my libido is non-existent because I’m stressing so much. I also feel like I’m just ‘forcing’ these thoughts to happen, and that they are not involuntary. Because I'm thinking so much about this, I've even come to a point where I've tried to accept that I'm another sexual orientation other than straight, but that did not work out, and it was hurtful.

I’m sexually objectifying every human I walk across to ‘prove’ my sexuality. Whenever I see an attractive woman: “Hey, I’m straight!” But whenever I see a man, I have a spike of anxiety and I experience this ‘rolling’ feeling in my groin, and I avoid looking at men or interacting with them in any sort of way so I don’t feel any anxiety, and try to think about something else instead, which I find does not work.

I’m worried that I can’t enjoy any of my hobbies anymore, because I have this underlying, almost irresistible urge to solve this ‘problem’ before I can be truly happy. I have also noticed that my thoughts and behaviours about other topics are very similar to this, and they are topics I have been obsessed with for a VERY long time. 

Whilst I have been constantly been searching for some relief on Reddit and YouTube (which has now become a habit) about my intrusive thoughts, I’m glad to see that I am not alone in this, and it is what I suspect might be OCD. I’m not going to diagnose myself, as I am seeing a psychiatrist soon to talk about these matters. 

I hate my life right now. I hope the psychiatrist can help me with this. I’ve heard this will get better but it really doesn’t look like it right now. I’m hoping and doubting at the same time. I just really needed to get this off of my chest and this subreddit allowed me to. I’m going cold turkey on all social media so I can stop looking for answers. I am done and tired.