I’m losing my mind. (Long, maybe nonsensical, NSFW)
I don’t know, I felt completely like I explored myself in good time in high school. Like completely. And landed on straight cis guy. Felt comfortable, proud, and accomplished.
I had a dream where I was pegged by Toriel and that made me wake up screaming crying that I was gay and then I started to see god and he would talk to me and I was convinced I switched bodies with someone. I couldn’t stop obsessing, even though I felt like I loved and enjoyed my sex with my then girlfriend. I was begging her to let me kiss her even if I found out I was gay and felt “the gap between instants of time” and called my parents at 3am after I watched Matt smith and realized I “wanted something like my father.” Then I confessed that I was gay, ugly crying, sat down, and realized 10 minutes later “I wasn’t gay. That must mean I’m trans.” And then that started and alternating between the two as OCD themes.
I was put on anti psychotics and some new medications I had never heard of and desperately searched for therapy but hate myself because I wanted to be the old me but am in my head about whether that’s closeting or somehow in denial. I keep desperately turning to ending things but won’t because I can’t make people sad. 2 years have gone by.
I got dumped about 2 months ago. I really loved her. I don’t understand why I’m balling and sobbing if I’m gay. I can’t get hard for men. But can’t get hard for women now either, and get intense bursts of mania. I am losing it. Losing it. Losing it. Losing it. I’m gonna freak out. I don’t want this to get moderated so I won’t say where my head is at but oh my god.
My brain isn’t “doing” bi. It doesn’t like it. It doesn’t like queer or anything that isn’t the binary of gay or straight. I must be gay. Or secretly a straight trans woman. Or nothing at all and I’m just straight and cis and losing my mind. I can’t do it anymore I just can’t.
I really don't get turned on by and am grossed out by and actually the word might be more like afraid of vaginal intercourse. Like I loved big boobs I used to only be able to get off to titfuck stuff or hypno stuff or mommy stuff. I enjoyed eating my partner out at the time. She would squirm and squeal and it was hot.
I feel like I could now be talked into gay stuff, which is weird now. I do feel like I legitimately explored it before and was disgusted by it and I didn't feel it stemmed from homophobia I felt it stemmed from me not being interested or aroused by it. Now I doubt everything. The doubt makes things feels so real.
And I do felt like I was very attracted to only certain kinds of women with big boobs and sometimes flat with a huge ass. Was it fetishism? I don’t know. It felt natural before. Not forced, I didn’t feel like it was anything less than automatic. But now I keep thinking it feels heteronormative.
I don't understand my sexuality.
gender wise I don't understand my deal and can't find comfort in anything
I’m not even talking about the tumor obsessions or anything. Been to so many therapists.
I am so uncomfortable sobbing. Made myself throw up 3 times yesterday when practicing if I could suck cock after ugly crying. I keep thrashing around and destroying property.
What happened. Why. Why. I miss her. Why is this real. I hate the straight to bi to gay pipeline it’s so fucking invalidating but every time I hear it doesn’t HAVE to be that I get annoyed because no answer provides relief.
Edit: got flagged for reassurance. Don’t know why. Not looking for answers. Just so far gone. Can anyone even relate is what I mean?