I can't take it anymore
It's been like 6 months since it all started, I experienced all and I found myself everyday googling and watching porn despite I don't want to... yk what kind of porn and because its feels so overwhelming and shocking.... it feels like a pleasure which.... IDK just kills me entirely....
I want to love women, sexually and emotionally and have a gf, living my life in peace and happy, with my values and beliefs.
IDK really what's worse? Emotional or sexual sensations? I lost my perception of myself, I can't even cry anymore but I want to, I want to scream and cry.... I just can't express pain as if it isn't even there....
The scenarious I make or videos of g p0rn I watch are because I want to see what I feel but, despite of fear before and guilty and shame and feeling of losing myself after, I get aroused so strong and there are many elements which give "pleasure" in the moment: shocking; (emasculating staff) romance; (which makes porn even worse) and the art style; (real porn seems less shocking, comics beeing nightmares because of how characters are drawn...)
I want to feel sexual and intimate pleasure but Im imploring to not feel that kind of warm towards men scenarious...
I want to kms because of all this 6 months and I have only around 4 weeks left. I can't take it anymore, I can't feel safe in my body....