r/EstrangedAdultChild

I think a lot about one day when my mom inevitably passes. Would I feel regret being nc all that time? I have really bad anxiety, it’s gotten better over the past months but I’m scared that her dying and the guilt will send me into a spiral.

I wish we could at least be LC instead, but it’s too complicated. I still love her and care about her so much. She’s not always a bad mom, she can actually be pretty amazing but it’s gotten to a point where the bad has outweighed the good. It’s too difficult and emotionally taxing to stay in any type of contact with her unfortunately.

I'm low contact with my parents. Things are generally ok over the phone provided I don't call too often and we have lots of catching up to do. I have a 14 year old son. He's very family oriented and until recently I would invite my parents to visit for his sake, and to my best to run interference between their most toxic behaviors and him. Around 4 years ago, each of them separately crossed lines with essentially denying his agency, and he went from "when can we see Grandma and Grandpa again?" to stating he doesn't want to see them. The weight of obligation carried things for a while, but they keep being more and more judgemental and intrusive, and last Christmas I set a hard boundary and refused to let them visit. I'm definitely the scapegoat of my system, so this is being viewed as me being emotional, and they're continuing to ask if Im ready to have them visit again. I repeated my need for active steps towards change and they of course don't listen.

I'm wondering if, since I'm not yet ready to give up, if there is a book or something I can recommend that would explain why we break off contact for our own well-being, and talk about what they can do to take ownership and work towards real change? Cuz I don't even know what that looks like so it's hard to explain what I expect of them to heal.

Last week, my mid 70s father died after multiple years of cancer. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since late 2023, right after I turned 21. I moved across the country in 2024 and haven’t been back to my home state since. He laid down on the ground the night after chemo and just died I guess.

I’ve been NC with my mom since 2013 and LC/NC with dad depending on his mood for a long time. I have no other siblings so this is just it I guess.

I feel like an enigma floating around society. The grief comes and goes and is mainly about the lost potential. Being in this situation is weird. Any peers I know who have lost a parent either have one left, or their parents died too early because of some tragedy. My dad has been old my entire life, we used to talked about when he dies, so him dying was never a foreign concept. I’m not even surprised now, I’m somewhat relieved he doesn’t have to live his miserable life anymore.

There was no chance of us ever having a healthy relationship in a life where I could also begin my life. If I was to be in his life, I was expected to cater everything to him. I don’t necessarily feel guilty for choosing to walk away, but I do feel sad that’s how that happened.

My father told me to create several joint accounts with him shortly after I graduated from high school, obviously back at the time I had no idea of the power I was giving him. Here's the situation so far:

1. One joint account has all my savings, but I already reached out to the bank and I have the ability to move those savings to a personal account, so Ill just do that on the day I leave this house; I already have my personal savings account ready.

2. Another is a checking account that has money that I'm pretty sure is his only, and I had even forgotten it existed cause I found out recently that for some reason, he's the one who has the debit card tied to it somewhere I can't access without him knowing. The debit card even has my name on it. I mean I get it's his money and all but I don't get why make me a joint owner then if I have no power over it.

3. There's also a credit card that is under my name, that one I don't really understand enough to know what it's tied to, all I know is that my father pays for it and he can see every transaction I make.

I'm not worried about my own money since I'll just transfer that out, but the thought of still having joint accounts with him even after I move out makes me uncomfortable. A banker told me that in order to remove myself, I'd need him to be at the branch with me and knowing him I don't see him consenting to that, even if I were to demand it he'd likely just refuse and he's been that way with my mother as well.

I also checked the website and it does say that I can remove myself on my own, so maybe I just need to speak to a different banker. But if I'm not able to do it, is there anything I can do? Or am I doomed to have joint accounts with him for an indefinite amount of time?

For some context, my dad and I have always had a very rocky relationship. I witnessed him physically abuse my mother and his second wife as a child and it wrecked my psyche. I was put into therapy around five years old because I was literally terrified of the men in my life.

A few months ago I reached out around my birthday and he basically told me to never call him again which is funny because he’s literally begged me to call him my whole life but Trump has literally rearranged his brain into thinking I’m a “liberal dirtbag” and he hates me.

Anyways, I was just informed that he’s in the hospital with a very serious condition that he should have died from days ago but somehow (probably out of spite) he’s hanging on.

My question is, why the fuck do I care?! He has literally told me to fuck off. I’ve told him to fuck off but his last words to me being “don’t call me again” has me all sorts of fucked up. That was supposed to be my line.

Any advice? I called the hospital and they won’t talk to me obviously because I’m not his emergency contact. They told me he’s stable but I know nothing else.

Why does this fucker still have a hold over me when I’m so much happier without him in my life?!

I just wanted to come by and spread some love to all of you. I've been doing my best to focus on myself these last few days and put my dad out of my mind., before it floods my emotions again.

I'm here to encourage everyone to remember why we're doing this, and to focus on your healing journey.

HUGS TO ALL OF YOU 🫂

Sorry this is a hard to read rant of 2am word vomit, but I have no one to talk to about this.

Next month will be 2 years no contact and I’m going through the grief cycle a LOT lately. I caught myself in thought spiral today going through ALL of the emotions.

We don’t have many things in common, but we do love the same music. While I was shuffling through my music I was thinking about new bands I’ve discovered that she would like and literally a thought crossed my mind “maybe I should send her these songs” like wtf??? Where did that come from???

Then I was like “ I want to make a playlist of all the songs that remind me of how much she hurts me”(kind of like a break up playlist lol)

Then I got sad because I moved 1,000 miles away a few months ago and she literally has no idea and then I was happy she has no idea.

Same thing about having children soon.

Like this looonnnggg negative spiral that just coming back to “why can’t I just have a mom” and “she’s was never a mom” and “I miss my mom”

Why can’t this just be like a bad breakup?? Why can’t I forget about her and move on. I don’t talk to any of her side of the family aside from my siblings (who still live with her)

But other than that I have no connection to her, no reason to think about her, why am I still grieving? Why am I angry, then sad, then crying, the relieved all in the span of 45 minutes.

This just sucks.

For some context, I’ve been no contact with my mother going on 6 years. I’ve blocked her on everything - phone number, social media and she doesn’t know where I live. She’s a classic boomer with a weird view of how things are/should be used religion to support her reality backed by being ethnically Filipino where mental illnesses don’t exist LOL

Every now and then I’ll look at my Blocked Voicemails and she’ll leave some that are longing/missing to down right upset and angry that I won’t talk to her. The last few weeks she’s been leaving more of them urging me to forgive her and that she’s sick and now I’ve gotten a call from a hospital social worker that she’s in the hospital.

I’m still holding firm on my boundaries of no contact but what pisses me off is her voicemails are full of urgency for her needs never asking me once about me. The only time in these voicemails over the past few months she’s expressed an inkling about me is when she found out (presumably from a relative who doesn’t know I’ve gone NC with her) that I gave birth to my baby and expressed how angry and upset she was that I didn’t tell her she was a grandmother 😬.

Anyway I just feel like these last few weeks of voicemails have just tried to suck me back into this anxious cycle > and even talking to my therapist has only given me a little bit of ease. She’s told me to just delete the voicemails, which I find hard to do because I am curious but it’s been tough now because hospital social workers have been calling me so I’m thinking this might be the end?

Anyone else going through/went through this before?

I am having a hard time coping and wish my family would talk to me. Any advice or experience is appreciated!

Hello:

I’ve been zero contact with my mother for over a year now. But I haven’t actually seen her in over a decade. I have not seen my father or either of my brothers in that long as well. I have not had any kind of a falling out with my brothers. We just come from a cold, distant family. My mother is a bit of an exception she is not just cold and distant. She actively does not want me to get any support from anyone. I can speculate as to why that is but ultimately, what does it matter? My mother is jealous and competitive and resentful.

Being a strange from them means that I don’t suffer any new injuries. What I do suffer from now is the grief of not having a family. It’s lonely it was lonely before as well. But I was distracted by the drama. It feels unfair to not have a family that is supportive and loving. I’m single and I live alone. I really wish I had a partner that I lived with and felt safe with.

It’s the grief and the loneliness that is hard. I think because of where I come from it is made me really isolated and socially awkward. I really want to find a partner someone who I can be a family with. So I can put all this behind me. Once and for all.

Does anyone else feel happy on some days in morning realizing you don't have to deal with the family who enabled the harm, you have essentially turned them into irrelevant in your life story.

You finally stood up for your right to be treated fairly and took space to process the abandonment, gaslighting, minimization and hurt.

Never written a post in Reddit but been on here for a couple years now. No idea where else to put this where someone could possibly relate.

I have been full no contact with my mother for over a year, closer to year and a half. Prior to this, I took space for about 6/7 months, we had a big conversation had a few follow up visits with myself and my under 5 daughter. Went full no contact about 4 months of trying. For context, I have been in full throttle trauma therapy for 2.5 yearsnow. I am a licensed mental health professional. Made a career out of my trauma. So fun.

So here’s the part I can’t bring to others. My mother attempted suicide twice over the weekend. One of them being extremely violent. My iron suit of dissociation is not coming close to touching this one. I have done serious EMDR for CSA and my flashbacks were not even close to as bad as the intrusive images I am having with her one of her attempts.I took a few days off of work to process this cesspool of shit. Certain people in my family failed miserably to prevent this from happening. Some blame me for her attempt because of being no contact. They all thought I’d come rushing in to handle the situation. I have since I was a young child. I told you all over and over. When I said I was done, I meant I was done.

I tried to salvage some of my relationships with my mom’s side of the family. Blew up in my face royally. My brother is shocked to finally have to deal with something. I have almost zero contact with my dad’s side. My parents are split. My dad is a joke and just contributes to the problem.

I have an actual degree, license and significant experience in the field. I know what happens with this. She is either finally going to get a dx of bipolar with psychotic symptoms or schizoaffective once this get all substance out of her symptoms. They also have to detox her from alcohol and ambien. Ambien should be fucking illegal. I know what this looks like going forward after the level this got to. They have no idea it’s just going to happen again. I will still not be coming to save the day. I finally chose me. I feel like a fucking piece of shit. But I knew this was coming, this is why I walked away. I am not some dramatic over the top mental health whoowhoo, cry baby. I was right. I have been right over and over again. The WORST I told you so, I don’t want it.

I have zero idea how to handle this. Joked (fucked sense of humor) to my own therapist… I have had people from work ask me what to do in a situation like this, I didn’t have an answer then and even in it myself I still don’t have one. I also start my email asking for an earlier appointment when this went down over the weekend, subject line “Surprise!”. She thought it was a happy one, very wrong.

I dont know why they say that but i do wanna know why?

First a little background .....

I've been estranged from four out of my six adult children Since 2016 and 2019. They range in age from 39 to 22.

They've told lie after lie about me. I've had a friend from highs school disown me because of their lies.

I have a son and a daughter that aren't estranged. The daughter is 22 and lives with me. She is my live in aid. I am disabled so she cleans our apartment. She won't get a regular job and only works 5 hours a week for me. But the state of Wisconsin pays her to being a supportive home care person. She gets $14/hour. Her pay checks are $129.29 every two weeks. She is borderline autistic and has anxiety. I've asked her to apply for disability but she won't. I think it's because I'm on disability And her sisters who are estranged from me said that I was lazy and that I'm not really disabled. So I think she's afraid to apply.

Anyways... I pay for all of the bills. Rent, Internet, gas, electric, and my cell phone. She uses a cell phone from the state of Wisconsin that we got for free for being on disability and foodshare. So she doesn't have any thing to pay for.

She has over $3,000 saved in case our animals need to see a vet. I have a dog and a cat. And she has a cat. All are emotional support animals.

We split the foodshare 50/50.

About 95% of the time we get along great. But lately she's been yelling at me. I always just ignore the disrespect but I can't do that anymore.

I'd been using her ps5 to play an video game that I love. I had to buy my own controller because she didn't want me to use hers. Totally understandable. My controller isn't an official controller so it had to be plugged into the ps for a few minutes before it recognizes the controller.

I got a PS5 yesterday and the controller that came with it doesn't have a charging cable. so I texted my daughter when she woke up and asked if I could borrow her cable for a few minutes just to get my PS5 to recognize the other controller. she got mad. then later on, I asked her what her email was because ps signed me out of the accounts. she screamed at me upstairs "No! I'm not doing that now!".

I know that yelling is abusive behavior. one of her sisters whom I'm estranged with used to yell at me all the time. it was so bad that I'd spend 80% of my day in my bedroom on my computer instead of being downstairs.

I think that my 22 year old daughter knows that I'm afraid of becoming estranged from her and so she tests the limits.

what would you do??

I’ve been completely no contact with my mother and her family for two years now. The back story:

the first time my mother cheated on my bio dad and abandoned my little sister and I, I was six. She came back around and then remarried a couple years after. She then cheated on my stepdad dozens (and that’s not an exaggeration, my siblings and I once made a list of her affairs) of times but he kept coming back because he was afraid of losing his kids. Her boyfriends would move in and out of the house and one in particular had a fascination with me. When I told her she told me to keep my mouth shut. I am in my late thirties and have just recently become brave enough to talk about it. She was verbally abusive and when I finally started standing up for myself in my teens it became physical and I had to move out. We spent years in this cycle of estrangement and then trying to fix things but her behavior has never changed. She even tried ruining my siblings and I’s relationship by pinning us against each other.

The breaking point came two years ago when I lost my paternal grandmother. My mother was always jealous of my grandmother and I’s relationship and on the worst day of my life my mother went behind my back and said horrible things about my grandmother and then made it her mission to finish off the very shaky relationship I had left with my bio dad. I was literally cleaning bodily fluid off my grandmother’s kitchen floor after finding out she was running her mouth when my mother called and started screaming on speaker phone about my grandmother calling her an effin B. I was already out of my mind and started screaming back. I started to retreat into silence but then Two months later she got busted sleeping with my stepdad’s best friend and I decided I was done. I’m also a parent and up to that point I had done a good job shielding my kids from her but they started to notice how toxic our relationship was and how she played favorites between them and my sibling’s kids. We weren’t speaking when she started chipping away at what little relationship I had left with my maternal grandmother and my aunt (her sister), who I thought was one of my best friends, aided in it and I decided I was done with them too. They enable all of her bad decisions but all three of them also talk about each other and then sit at the same table like it never happened.

So for the most part the last two years have been bliss without them but recently I realized I have no love in my heart for any of them. Especially my mother, I feel nothing but rage and hatred for her. I realize now that I never really bonded to her (also my parents were 16 when I was born and she regularly made comments about how it ruined her life) and I truly couldn’t care less what happens to her. The problem I have though is that it isn’t my nature to hate someone so much and it bothers me that I can’t shake that feeling. I also think this feeling is what made me give in before and allow her back in and that’s not a possibility this time. I want to find peace with my own feelings. Anyone else searching for or have figured out how that works?

Do any of you know of an NC situation where the parents acknowledged what they did and made amends, resulting in reconciliation?

I don't think that will ever happen for me, I'm just wondering if it ever happens.

Title says it all. My estranged parent died. We last saw each other when I was a child.