r/EndOfTheParTy

His previous rock bottom moment involved realizing that he was getting closer to crossing the chemsex boundary and then he stopped himself and got off the apps for more than a year. 

He secretly went back to them earlier this year and now has recently opened up about his crystal meth use to myself and a bunch of other friends. He says he does not want to stop for now and is “in control” which I know is bs. He’s at a point currently where he’s having sex all night long for 48hours straight during the week, and made a bunch of fwb with whom he smokes meth and has sex with. He’s been very reckless and trusting of what people are giving him.

This all feels like I am seeing a friend being swallowed by a monster and I feel completely helpless and this sentiment is shared within our friend group.

To the people who’ve been there before, can you please help me understand: 

1. What are the escalation stages? It starts with a lot of euphoria and endless sex, but then what comes next and what leads someone to wake up one day and say: today, I need to stop it all? 
2. For those of you who’ve been there before. Is there anything anyone could’ve said or done in order for you to stop? 
3. What’s the best type of support/ showing up that you all suggest for me to do? I do not want to enable any of the behaviour but I do want to show up in the best way I can.

 

Hey everyone,

It's been 7 days since my last usage of mephedrone and Ketamine. It got out of hand and I decided I need to stop this behavior once and for all.

The last few days I had to deal not only with the aftermath of the drugs themselves, but also a nasty cold that I have almost bounced back from.

I went from barely being able to move on tuesday to now getting groceries, go for a walk and meet my family tonight for a birthday.

Getting off of ALL apps, talking to a chemsex counselor and "confessing" to friends about what I had been doing has helped tremendously.

Just wanted to spread some positivity. I got this, you got this - fuck chemsex and fuck drugs.

Peace and love to all of you

My first week-end without in a while and I feel heavy FOMO. Almost a week without in a couple of hours.

No "withdrawal" strictly speaking or whatever, I managed to avoid getting addicted thankfully.

But I just feel like I'm missing out on so much fun and especially connexion.

I'm closeted in real life so parties were a place where I could be myself without fear. The sex was mindblowing, yes, obviously, but I just loved the long breaks where I got to know people, "regular" gay people like me. Their lives, trials and tribulations, etc. I got to share my own too. Connect. Rarely would it lead to anything beyond the party, but it was still nice to just be, without my closeted mask.

Also, I got to actually be verse. Being relaxed enough to bottom and not being in my head so I can top freely.

I also have a very complicated life with all kinds of mental health issues, socio-economic issues, etc. So it was a nice...escape from reality?

I know I know. There's always a price to pay. That's why I'm stopping, and reminding myself it's not worth it.

But I still feel heavy FOMO. I'm trying to learn to sit with it and accept it. It's ok.

It was what I needed for a time in my life, now I need to move on before I develop a substance use disorder 🫠🫠🫠

Still my brain is like "Damn, we're missing out on so much fun".

I went to my mom's place for the week-end to avoid giving into the FOMO.

I know it sounds weird and stupid but I wish I was surrounded by regular gay men in my life. Clearly there's shit I need to work on.

I just can't be openly gay at this point in my life and I don't know how I can be closeted and have gay friends I can connect with on a physical and psychological level.

Anyway sorry for rambling, just hoping writing this out will somehow help make it less strong.

I know it's the week-end making it harder, and after a couple of chemsex-free week-ends I'll feel better. I'll stay strong. I promise.

The anxiety will go away the longer you are sober and have sex , yes give yourself permission to enjoy sex and have it , first few times will be anxiety it’s normal cause you haven’t had it that way so the more you do it the confident you become , the I can’t get hard with sex or anxiety is why people use again but it’s normal . To start I would jerk off with porn and not just rely on others . If your fresh off drugs then it’s gonna take a while for your hormones to get back to normal and fire at the rate it’s suppose to , all your dopamine and receptors are maxed out . Think of it like a regeneration of liver when you quit alcohol or just doesn’t become brand new but takes time .
We don’t talk enough about training your mind to have sex and it’s even baby steps . First being naked watching porn , see if get erection . Then jerking ( no cock ring ) to see if get hard , also reprogramming yourself to not sketchy sex porn (the ones with pure drug use ) to regular porn etc . Your retraining your entire brain and nervous system so allow yourself some fumbles and learning experience and remember baby steps of you will use

I've been addicted to meth for 2 years, it was until around today did I realize what I'm addicted to was the meth but not the sex and chemsex and party side and scene of it at all.

A guy introduced me to the drug without letting me know what I took was, I didn't know it was meth and then we had sex. But then the sex didn't work. Any guys I met to party dropped me off and ghosted me after we met once. Because I was never there to have sex, I was there because I couldn't find meth or afford meth at that moment. And I used my body to trade for meth. When I'm high, I would be out of there mentality and not much interested in sex.

I use it mostly as an emotional crutch whenever I feel sad or whenever life hurts me, like an instant pick-me-up, an instant happiness, an instant fix-all-your-problems, and an instant make-all-your-pain-and-sorrows-away. I prefer to use alone, left alone in a dark corner in my room, in my own world, whenever I could

How do you convince yourself you don't need the mind blowing sex and you should settle for sober sex?

I just became aware of this group and joined. I was reading everyone's story and felt inspired to share mine. I was tricked into using about 1.5 years ago. And then came the sex which was great, but then I started paying attention to the fact that I was being used. Long story short, I was being fed all kinds of drugs so that I would be completely out of it or passed out and then they would have their way with me while streaming everything. Literally, everyone in the community knew my name and everything about me and was in on it. I started putting all the puzzle pieces together, starting acting like I didn't know what was going on so I could get my evidence and then walked away. What was sold to me as fun was no longer fun. Instead it became a job of winning and beating them at their own game, which I did. It's not worth losing your mind, your life and who you are for "fun" that isn't even real. I am happy to say I am done with that drug and with everyone I met that does it.

Hello! This is going to be short and sweet: I’m doing fine. Things are looking up, although sometimes progress is so slow it’s only when I look back I realise how far I’ve come.

I’m currently in Berlin for the weekend to meet up with friends from CMA that I’ve never met IRL before. First time sober in Berlin - reclaiming this city.

My divorce is chaotic but moving forward nonetheless. My ex hates me now and goes off on me every time we meet, tries to pressure me for money and is a general asshole. But we’ve managed to agree to sell our apartment and then all ties will be cut and I’ll be free.

I’m limiting my contact with him to written form.

I am worried for him, worried that he’s maybe using again (he wants to borrow money, acts strange). But I also see through him now: he is an expert at making me feel guilty, pressuring me to set aside my own needs to take care of his. Even now he expects me to fix his problems and blames them on me. But he’s a grown man. He will have to fix his own life.

I’m fortunate enough to have friends I can stay with for free, so I have a roof over my head at least until September and that gives me time to find a permanent place. I try to focus on one thing at a time and so far it’s working out.

I’m gradually feeling more like a whole human being again. I am very grateful to have been able to stop all amphetamines back in 2024 and my brain is clearly recovering bit by bit and it’s especially apparent when I look back five months or a year. No anhedonia or apathy anymore. Less jittery, more at ease.

Not drinking since four months does wonders too. Better focus, better health.

I’m still in NA and CMA and work the steps with my sponsor. Around 5-7 meetings a week.

That’s it. Here’s to another day sober. We do recover, but it takes some work.

Hey Everyone!

I know sometimes it's hard to feel greatful especially when trying to stay clean, but I just wanted to share a small list of things ( in no particular order) that have made me feel so happy and greatful to be clean and in recovery.

1. My husband
2. all of our pets (cats, chickens, button quail, gecko)
3. my career
4. my sponser
5. a higher power (of my understanding)
6. all my brothers and sisters of NA
7. my therapist
8. my mother and brother
9. reconnecting with my SIL and nephew (soon to be nephews)
10. bills paid/ food in fridge

What would be on your Gratitude List?

It feels hopeless and I quite envy the straights somehow that they could just delete the numbers and that's it. We have Grindr where we could redownload it everytime we feel a slight craving.

Is there anyway to forever block Grindr from your phone?

I’ve managed to stay away from T for about 2 and a half years but have continued to struggle with other things on a regular basis. I got what I thought was just K last night but quickly realized after getting into it that there was some crystal in it.

Long story short, I had a huge anxiety attack and some heart palpitations and ended up in the ER overnight—feeling a little foolish, but they did help some. I haven’t slept since and am still anxious and really angry with myself and my connect from last night. A part of me feels like I threw away all the progress I made, but I know things happen and I can move on.

I’ve been in an outpatient program for substance use for a couple weeks and felt like I was getting some support and hitting a turning point but because of recent events the program is only willing to work with me if I go to an inpatient program first.

Anyway, sorry for the long, rambling post. I’m drained and am going to try to eat and get some sleep. Just feeling defeated and wondering if anyone can relate.