Hi gays! Thank you for all the inspirational threads on here. It gives me hope, and I’ve not had much hope the last few months.
I’ve had the typical decent—rarely, monthly, weekend, all the time—and finally, after driving to Chicago to end myself or ask for help, I admitted to myself and my loved ones it was a huge problem. I’ve read “men meth and lust” and “the velvet rage”, along with the Big book etc. tweaker world made me relapse I was so horny after it, and used the past three years with a major uptick the past five months as I finished my first book and my teaching commitments.
I went to a wonderful inpatient rehab, Henry Ford Health’s Maplegrove. I loved it. I really loved that. They introduced all types of recovery not just AA and not just alcohol and then uppers and downers. I was the only meth user there while I was there, and I did not meet anyone in recovery who had used it, so that was a little bit tough.
Mostly, the nurses were so overwhelmed with detoxing people and so difficult to work with for my diabetes management, they eventually discharge me against my therapist or doctors advice for “nursing is no longer willing to meet patient demands” (mealtime insulin—I’m type 1).
It truly threw me for a loop to leave after 19 days instead of the 30. I felt so destabilized to be right back in my home and at my workplace (I have housing at my work) and without any discharge plan. I went to a meeting every day and was just so angry. I tried to focus on the work I was doing in rehab, but instead just worked on my little projects around the house. I went to AA meeting, and then drove to my dealers and got stuff. Did a little, fucked, and then threw it out the next day with my therapist. It felt great, but it also felt false. I know I’m not over using and I’m desperately trying to get there.
I moved into a sober house in detroit, returned to work 1/2 time, but now have skipped meetings to just shop or cruise or nap because my partner thinks im at the sober house and they think im at my apartment. Of course, last night I scored and have now used all day.
I desperately want to return to a rehab. I have blue cross blue shield and a family who’d help. What kind of rehabs worked for you? Is there a place that’s safe and earnest and educational, and will let me wear my insulin pump and cgm?
I’ve been sober from booze for nine years. Through AA, I lost any desire for it. I resisted stopping meth because I love the club drugs. But I’m miserable. Shell of myself. And so damn sad and debt riddled.
I can’t go back to maplegrove, though I would. I am a gentle gay and don’t think I’d do well at a tough love place. But I need to get my habits rewired, work a program and a schedule, and processes so much pain, grief, and shame I’ve bundled up in the deepest most painful parts of myself. Please, if you can suggest a place or a search term. I’m grateful. Hugs.