FOMO
My first week-end without in a while and I feel heavy FOMO. Almost a week without in a couple of hours.
No "withdrawal" strictly speaking or whatever, I managed to avoid getting addicted thankfully.
But I just feel like I'm missing out on so much fun and especially connexion.
I'm closeted in real life so parties were a place where I could be myself without fear. The sex was mindblowing, yes, obviously, but I just loved the long breaks where I got to know people, "regular" gay people like me. Their lives, trials and tribulations, etc. I got to share my own too. Connect. Rarely would it lead to anything beyond the party, but it was still nice to just be, without my closeted mask.
Also, I got to actually be verse. Being relaxed enough to bottom and not being in my head so I can top freely.
I also have a very complicated life with all kinds of mental health issues, socio-economic issues, etc. So it was a nice...escape from reality?
I know I know. There's always a price to pay. That's why I'm stopping, and reminding myself it's not worth it.
But I still feel heavy FOMO. I'm trying to learn to sit with it and accept it. It's ok.
It was what I needed for a time in my life, now I need to move on before I develop a substance use disorder 🫠🫠🫠
Still my brain is like "Damn, we're missing out on so much fun".
I went to my mom's place for the week-end to avoid giving into the FOMO.
I know it sounds weird and stupid but I wish I was surrounded by regular gay men in my life. Clearly there's shit I need to work on.
I just can't be openly gay at this point in my life and I don't know how I can be closeted and have gay friends I can connect with on a physical and psychological level.
Anyway sorry for rambling, just hoping writing this out will somehow help make it less strong.
I know it's the week-end making it harder, and after a couple of chemsex-free week-ends I'll feel better. I'll stay strong. I promise.