r/CaregiverSupport

Like, there's a moment where it shifts. You go from 'I can do this' to 'I'm trapped.' And I'm trying to figure out when that happens for most people — is it months in? Years? Or is it the first week when reality hits?

Not looking for positivity. Just real answers.

Is anyone else just... done? Like you love your parent but the constant responsibility is eating you alive. The guilt when you get angry at them. The resentment when nobody else helps. The feeling like your life isn't yours anymore.

He's 94. He has Alzheimers but still would be able to comprehend the situation.

At his age, there is no treatment.

I'm really torn. I am leaning toward not saying anything until I have to.

What would you do?

I’m going through one of the hardest things in my life as a 20 year old…

First off: My dad is seriously ill (hospice care - pneumonia) and getting daily care from nurses. 

On the other hand, the half-sister (50+ y/o) from his first marriage is constantly nagging me, asking questions about his medications, pain, when he might die… everything. She’s has always been anxious and confrontational in the past; and every little question feels like a test I can’t pass unless I ask ChatGPT what is the best response when texting her.

I hate that she often blames my mother and me for not taking good care of him, but in reality, she has never been involved in his care for the 10+ years he’s had Parkinson’s disease. My dad also seems much happier and more at peace with my mother right now than he ever was with his first wife.

This is so stupid, and I wish she would just grow up and just focus on being with our dad in his remaining days instead of arguing or questioning every little thing.

^(Thx for listening to my little rant.)

Hello

I have become a caregiver for my father who was diagnosed with brain cancer last November. It started off fine at first but he has deteriorated a lot since then. Due to the cancer and the treatments he has had his short term memory is all messed up. He is now at the point where if you don't give him what he wants he will fling himself out of his wheel chair on to the floor.

He then gets this look on his face like realizing that was not a good decision. Then starts to beg to be helped up. He has done this a few times and I'm at my wits end. I genuinely don't know what to do. Does anybody have any insight on why he is doing this and what I can do protect him.

I’m having a meltdown right now. I’ve been assisting with a woman with cerebral palsy since I was 14, mostly against my will. What I mean by that, is that someone who took me in said that I have to help with her, or I would be threatened to be kicked out and thrown on the streets. I kept my mouth shut for most of the time, until 18 when I started dating the woman’s brother. I’m 23 now, and I’m crying in my bedroom after yelling at the woman that I’ve been helping take care of her for so many years. A month ago about, her care fell pretty hard on me since her mom (her primary caregiver) got into the hospital, one of her staff members had surgery and couldn’t come in, and she has a fresh staff member who doesn’t entirely understand everything.

I do understand that sometimes the CP lady doesn’t understand everything, or that she doesn’t mean to do some of the things she does. I get so frustrated, because I’m the only 24/7 person who’s taking care of her now. I don’t get a break. I don’t get to go home and not be around her. I’m always around her, because we live together. If I leave, my fiancé stays here with his family, but if I stay, I continue feeling this terrible. Now, since I had an explosion in front of one of the staff members, I know I’m going to judged so harshly for the reaction. I’m freaking out, because I’m just so burnt out but she still needs my care. I want to rip my hair out! I’m crying typing this because I don’t know what else to feel.

taking even short breaks from caregiving creates crushing guilt like you're abandoning someone vulnerable, going out for an evening or taking a weekend trip feels selfish. The rational brain knows breaks are necessary for sustainability but the emotional guilt doesn't care about logic, constant worry about what might happen during your absence ruins any attempt at relaxation. Other caregivers struggling with this guilt, how do you actually relax and recharge without the anxiety and guilt destroying the break's purpose.

Hi all, I've actually never posted to reddit before so I figured I'd give it a go because I'm desperate.

I am a 26F. I am extremely close to my grandfather. He is my everything, my best friend, my whole world. I have been blessed to grow up in a very tight-knit and loving family. However, lately it seems like everything is unraveling. Last year around March my grandpa was diagnosed with Myelodysplastic syndromes (MDS). It is a blood cancer than can possibly eventually lead to Acute Myeloid Leukemia. This blood cancer comes in different stages/risk levels. Due to my grandpa's age (he's about to be 86) he is at a higher-risk level and chemo has been debilitating for his body. I don't know exactly what is going to happen, but he has been immensely suffering and is in lots of pain every day. He is the best person in this life. I would talk to him every day on the phone for hours, and I would spend so much time with him. He truly is my person, and the light of my life. I know due to his advanced age, prognosis does not look as hopeful, (this is something that is excruciating for me to even type out). My parents, aunt, uncle, brother and I have been caregiving all this time, taking care of both him and my grandma, them living with us, and taking them to all doctors appointments and taking my grandpa to the cancer center every week. My grandpa is extremely weak right now, not walking and barely talking. I cry every single day on and off. I have so much joy in my life right now (I am completing my masters, love my work, I have an amazing relationship and friends, all good!) except for this situation with my grandpa being sick. The fact that my grandpa is suffering in pain is CONSTANTLY in the back of my mind, no matter what I do.

I have been very fortunate enough to be 26 years old, and I have never dealt with grief, loss, or death. Honestly up until now, I've never even put much thought into dying. Now that I am witnessing firsthand the traumatic decline of my grandpa, I now think of death constantly 24/7. I am even starting to forget how my grandpa was when he was healthy (this depresses me and frustrates me, how am I starting to forget???)

I guess why I'm typing this is for any form of advice, reassurance, similar experiences, or stories of hope and success in managing illness in older people. I am a Christian and have a very strong faith which has been keeping me going through this. I pray constantly for my Grandpa, for some sort of miracle. I feel guilty being deeply pained by this experience, I know people loose grandparents at a much younger age and I acknowledge that I am so beyond blessed to have had all this time with him. But, is it selfish to say it still doesn't feel like enough time? I'm not ready to let go. This anticipatory grief is HELL ON EARTH. Is it wrong to also have hope he can get better? Is it wrong to have hope and to ask God for some sort of miraculous miracle? Is that even possible? I know people say all grandparents get old and eventually pass, but I love my grandpa with every fiber of my being and a life without him is truly unimaginable and devastating. I have no idea how to navigate grief/anticipatory grief. This feels like hell on earth and my heart is breaking every moment. This is the first time I have ever seen someone I love and so close to me so ill.

I appreciate all advice/words of wisdom/support. I am so desperate for it. I don't know if this post makes sense I'm just trying to type out all of my feelings. God bless to everyone.

There seems to be a lack of support and resources given to those who are caring for loved ones living with dementia. Let’s talk about it.

I’ve been my mom‘s caregiver for nearly five years now. She is in stage 7 and on hospice. it is getting harder and harder to move her about. This is not because she’s a potato. but because she is so resistant. I know that her ability to understand is nearly if not zero, but just the idea of her letting me help her get out of bed or out of a chair is almost a non starter. Every day I dread getting out of bed myself knowing that I’m going to have to face trying to move her, try to change her, all while she fights me with great strength. I do not know what to do. I know that arguing is useless. But how can I manage anything while she makes it so hard?

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I didn't know what a toll caregiving for my husband was taking on me until we had a friend move in. The friend is keeping my husband company, fixing things, making some meals, and cleaning up after other meals.

Suddenly I am not trying to do it all alone. I'm not worried when I go to work. I'm not defeated before I even get out of bed. I actually enjoyed something today!

The friend's stay is supposed to be temporary. It is going to be hard to go back. But more thinking about that. I am going to see if might enjoy a second thing while I can.

That's all. I just had to tell someone who would understand. Alas, it's internet strangers, but it feels good to let it out anyway.

Hello, I’ve been reading this sub over the past few weeks because I’m the primary caregiver (29) for my mom (67), who has stage 4 kidney cancer with lung metastasis.

At this point, I’ve been doing all the care I’ve learned both from people here and from when I took care of her years ago during her nephrectomy to try to stop the cancer.

We already know this is terminal. Since January she has been mostly in bed, moving less and less. About a month ago she stopped walking and has been fully bedbound since then.

It’s been very difficult and the decline has been noticeable. Around 3 weeks ago she started sleeping almost all day, stopped eating solid food, and was only taking small amounts of liquids.

When the palliative care doctor visited, he told me we might be entering the final stage and suggested I let my brother know (he lives 3000 km away). I told him, and he arranged everything and flew here — he was home within 48 hours.

Since he arrived, my mom improved a lot. She started sitting up to eat again, her appetite came back, and although she still had delirium and confusion, she was more engaged and even wanted us to help her do some crafts.

That lasted about 16 days. About 4 days ago she started having less energy again, more shortness of breath (she has some fluid in her lungs), and since yesterday she has been saying she feels generally unwell.

Last night she barely slept. She woke up every hour wanting to get up and go to the bathroom, but couldn’t explain what was happening because she was under the effect of sleep medication. Around 7am she had a very large bowel movement that overflowed the diaper, with a mix of semi-solid and liquid stool and since then she’s been having more liquid stools every 30–60 minutes.

This is becoming really overwhelming. The problem is that my brother has to go back to his city for work and to take care of some things. He can come back, but I’m afraid she might decline quickly in these days and that this might truly be the final stretch.

I’m about to hire additional caregivers to help me, at least for 8 hours a day, but in my city there are no services that stay overnight — and that’s what worries me the most. Not being able to sleep, while also needing to be there for her, and then sitting at my computer to start my workday (I work remotely, thankfully, from home).

My dad helps me too, but he’s 80 years old. He’s in good health, but he gets tired quickly.

I’m not entirely sure what the point of this post is — I guess I just wanted to share what we’re going through. I don’t want my mom to pass, but this transition period — from what seemed like a plateau back into decline — is really hard to manage and to predict what the next days or weeks will look like.

Any advice is welcome. I hope you all have a good day.

There is a serious lack of support, information and resources for those supporting their loved ones with a dementia diagnosis. Let’s talk about it.

I am in desperate need of advice as to how to try to get my dad to take some sort of action in regards to his father’s care. He’s an only child, so there’s no other people that can take actual steps here. My grandfather had a fall on his back porch steps a week and a half ago that landed him in the ER. He’s 87, fairly mobile for his age, but his house just isn’t the safest with the stairs there. My grandmother passed back in 2013, and he lives alone. He’s been on a waitlist for a while now for a senior apartment community he loves, but we haven’t had any movement there. He’s on blood thinners, so we are VERY lucky he didn’t experience a brain bleed and is cognitively okay. He has a fall detection device but refuses to wear it. He also isnt showering or bathing due to fear of falling but also doesn’t want an aide to help him with this. He does have a in home nurse and PT who come to the house a couple times a werk.

My dad is just living life as if nothing happened. No calling the apartment complex to get a waitlist update, no searching for alternatives for housing. When I brought up that he wasnt able to shower or bathe, the response was “he’s probably fine”. I asked if he could take him to an appointment in the city while he’s on vacation from work (he works in a school) and he just ignores me. I’m trying to do what I can and i’ve tried to speak to his in home nurse, but because I’m not the main contact I can’t ask for help getting him clean or even have them talk to my dad about the situation being dangerous. (They would need my grandfather’s permission to do that and he won’t do it because he doesn’t want to be a burden). I’ve been staying at his house as much as I can, but I work FT, takw classes, and my lease is up in less than 2 months so I need to start preparing to move. My anxiety is making it almost impossible to focus on work or school. The only reason my grandfather was able to get help was because he fell outside and his neighbor saw him. His bedroom and only bathroom are both up a significant set of stairs, so the fall risk is still there.

My dad is capable of caring about things. He coaches a HS sports team in the spring and spends all his free time focused on that. To the point it’s kind of ridiculous. This incident could’ve killed him, and he just.. has no sense of urgency at all to change the situation. (Yes, he is inheriting 100% lf what my grandfather has). I can’t make any major moves because I don’t have that power here. I’ve sent options for communities with apartment availability, but I get ignored. Is there any way to try to whack a sense of urgency into my dad? I know my grandfather can’t live forever, but if this is how he were to pass, I’d never forgive myself. I can plan on moving into his house once my lease ends, but I still need time at home to get prepped for the move. :(