Anticipatory grief advice please!!
Hi all, I've actually never posted to reddit before so I figured I'd give it a go because I'm desperate.
I am a 26F. I am extremely close to my grandfather. He is my everything, my best friend, my whole world. I have been blessed to grow up in a very tight-knit and loving family. However, lately it seems like everything is unraveling. Last year around March my grandpa was diagnosed with Myelodysplastic syndromes (MDS). It is a blood cancer than can possibly eventually lead to Acute Myeloid Leukemia. This blood cancer comes in different stages/risk levels. Due to my grandpa's age (he's about to be 86) he is at a higher-risk level and chemo has been debilitating for his body. I don't know exactly what is going to happen, but he has been immensely suffering and is in lots of pain every day. He is the best person in this life. I would talk to him every day on the phone for hours, and I would spend so much time with him. He truly is my person, and the light of my life. I know due to his advanced age, prognosis does not look as hopeful, (this is something that is excruciating for me to even type out). My parents, aunt, uncle, brother and I have been caregiving all this time, taking care of both him and my grandma, them living with us, and taking them to all doctors appointments and taking my grandpa to the cancer center every week. My grandpa is extremely weak right now, not walking and barely talking. I cry every single day on and off. I have so much joy in my life right now (I am completing my masters, love my work, I have an amazing relationship and friends, all good!) except for this situation with my grandpa being sick. The fact that my grandpa is suffering in pain is CONSTANTLY in the back of my mind, no matter what I do.
I have been very fortunate enough to be 26 years old, and I have never dealt with grief, loss, or death. Honestly up until now, I've never even put much thought into dying. Now that I am witnessing firsthand the traumatic decline of my grandpa, I now think of death constantly 24/7. I am even starting to forget how my grandpa was when he was healthy (this depresses me and frustrates me, how am I starting to forget???)
I guess why I'm typing this is for any form of advice, reassurance, similar experiences, or stories of hope and success in managing illness in older people. I am a Christian and have a very strong faith which has been keeping me going through this. I pray constantly for my Grandpa, for some sort of miracle. I feel guilty being deeply pained by this experience, I know people loose grandparents at a much younger age and I acknowledge that I am so beyond blessed to have had all this time with him. But, is it selfish to say it still doesn't feel like enough time? I'm not ready to let go. This anticipatory grief is HELL ON EARTH. Is it wrong to also have hope he can get better? Is it wrong to have hope and to ask God for some sort of miraculous miracle? Is that even possible? I know people say all grandparents get old and eventually pass, but I love my grandpa with every fiber of my being and a life without him is truly unimaginable and devastating. I have no idea how to navigate grief/anticipatory grief. This feels like hell on earth and my heart is breaking every moment. This is the first time I have ever seen someone I love and so close to me so ill.
I appreciate all advice/words of wisdom/support. I am so desperate for it. I don't know if this post makes sense I'm just trying to type out all of my feelings. God bless to everyone.