Caring for my mom (stage 4 cancer). Unsure if we’re entering the final stretch
Hello, I’ve been reading this sub over the past few weeks because I’m the primary caregiver (29) for my mom (67), who has stage 4 kidney cancer with lung metastasis.
At this point, I’ve been doing all the care I’ve learned both from people here and from when I took care of her years ago during her nephrectomy to try to stop the cancer.
We already know this is terminal. Since January she has been mostly in bed, moving less and less. About a month ago she stopped walking and has been fully bedbound since then.
It’s been very difficult and the decline has been noticeable. Around 3 weeks ago she started sleeping almost all day, stopped eating solid food, and was only taking small amounts of liquids.
When the palliative care doctor visited, he told me we might be entering the final stage and suggested I let my brother know (he lives 3000 km away). I told him, and he arranged everything and flew here — he was home within 48 hours.
Since he arrived, my mom improved a lot. She started sitting up to eat again, her appetite came back, and although she still had delirium and confusion, she was more engaged and even wanted us to help her do some crafts.
That lasted about 16 days. About 4 days ago she started having less energy again, more shortness of breath (she has some fluid in her lungs), and since yesterday she has been saying she feels generally unwell.
Last night she barely slept. She woke up every hour wanting to get up and go to the bathroom, but couldn’t explain what was happening because she was under the effect of sleep medication. Around 7am she had a very large bowel movement that overflowed the diaper, with a mix of semi-solid and liquid stool and since then she’s been having more liquid stools every 30–60 minutes.
This is becoming really overwhelming. The problem is that my brother has to go back to his city for work and to take care of some things. He can come back, but I’m afraid she might decline quickly in these days and that this might truly be the final stretch.
I’m about to hire additional caregivers to help me, at least for 8 hours a day, but in my city there are no services that stay overnight — and that’s what worries me the most. Not being able to sleep, while also needing to be there for her, and then sitting at my computer to start my workday (I work remotely, thankfully, from home).
My dad helps me too, but he’s 80 years old. He’s in good health, but he gets tired quickly.
I’m not entirely sure what the point of this post is — I guess I just wanted to share what we’re going through. I don’t want my mom to pass, but this transition period — from what seemed like a plateau back into decline — is really hard to manage and to predict what the next days or weeks will look like.
Any advice is welcome. I hope you all have a good day.