r/AskMenOver30

Has anyone else started getting emotional when it comes to family and the realization of their parent’s/own mortality? I can’t look at old pictures or read/write a heartfelt card without wanting to tear up these days. Thinking about deceased family members or even the day certain family members won’t be here gets my eyes watering. I’m in my mid 40s and think it started a little in my late 30s or early 40s and has only gotten worse.

I have a kid and a wife and my house always feels like an absolute warzone to the point where I don't like having company over. Toys are strewn about, the bathrooms get dirty with hair and dust, there's dirty clothes that tend to get everywhere.

how do you guys manage?

My dad passed away last year. I’m 24 and I started a business in 2022 which really popped off since the end of last year. I have a lot of money, no expensive tastes.

My dad was a taxi driver in nyc for THIRTY years, I grew up in a shitty third world country and moved here when I was 14. Our outings were going to 7/11 for the $5 pizza.

I would never replace these because I look back and this was PEAK life.

I can’t get over the fact that my dad spent his entire life working to bring me to America, and as he was about to receive the fruits of his labor, enjoy “retirement”, he went.

I’m developing a lot of resentment and If anyone has words of wisdom please share.

I’ve been smoking since I was 13. A pack a day for the most part, 2-3 for a while. Recently it’s about a pack, maybe 1.25. Let me be transparent, I love to smoke. This is not because of doctors or a fear of declining health. I’m very active. Manual labor job and workout 5 days a week. But this last couple weeks I finally decided to start doing actual cardio and jumped right in with jogging a mile before work and then another mile before my workout. I’m able to do it fine, but my throat is killing me. I’m choking throughout the day now and I don’t like it, so I’m considering quitting. If I do, what’s the method that worked best for you?

Hi. I’m a 30M getting married in a few months and trying to figure out what it’s like to support a parent financially after moving out.

My mom is an asian immigrant/single mom who worked service jobs to keep us afloat and put me through college; she used most of her savings during that time. We live in a very high cost-of-living area, and even after I started working, money has been tight--we’re still building assets from scratch and even share a car. Since I began earning a meaningful salary (100k), I’ve been covering most of the rent and expect to continue doing so for the foreseeable future. My mom has worked sporadically and earned about $25k/year on average over the past two years, so it’s not nothing, but not very significant.

She speaks limited English (better at reading and understanding than speaking) and has hearing and other health issues that make steady work difficult. I feel responsible for keeping a roof over her head, but we haven’t discussed long-term plans. These kind of conversations really don’t seem to happen in Asian immigrant households like mine.

Has anyone else navigated supporting a parent while starting their own family? How did you balance finances, expectations, and difficult conversations? Any practical advice or resources would be really appreciated.

I have a decent job, and a large multi bedroom apartment that I'm renting. For various reasons, downsizing apartments is not an option.

I'm saving money too slowly and sort of mulling the idea of getting a roommate. I kept thinking that I'd meet a woman to settle down with by now but year over year its not happening. If I had a roommate I'd pretty much 2.5x my savings rate.

Any other guys finding themselves in this position?

My (28m) dad turns 60 this year. I've bought a limited edition of a pocket knife model that he used to own in his 20s when he was a professional hunter.

It has brass side plates and I'd like to have something engraved on it but I'm struggling to think of anything beyond "Happy 60th dad. Love *my name*".

Any tips or ideas on a meaningful message?

I’m 34, from Massachusetts. I think it’s a great place to grow up, but it’s not exactly the type of place I’d want to live the rest of my life. I’m bored of it. I also can’t stand the weather

I had a down payment saved up, but every time I go to an open house my instinct says I don’t really want it. It’s more than just the condo, because I’ve seen ones that are perfect and still felt… meh…

My brother recommended moving by him in Southern California, but I can’t stand how suburban it feels there. Walkability is important to me

I’ve considered leaving the country cause the combination of what I want seems more available outside of the country. I can do this because I have a remote job that supports it. It just seems like a big jump for my age

What should I do?

I'm 45 and recently I have had a haemorrhoid. its so painful. I went to the doctor last time it flared up and he just gave me cream but it came back last week and I was struggling. constant throbbing itching burning and the pain was awful. it makes me feel really yuk and I am just interested to hear others experience and what they did to help it and avoid them as my doctor wasn't much help

Long-time lurker here. Over the past few months, most of my searches in this sub have been about "starting over" and "hitting rock bottom". I finally decided to post because, even though I know people have gone through worse, I still feel completely hopeless.

I’m 33. I got laid off last year and, after a brutal job search, finally landed a job last month. Now I have to give it all up and move back to my home country because of a family emergency.

That’s what’s breaking me.

My parents don’t take care of themselves. My dad is an alcoholic and continued drinking even after being diagnosed with cancer for the second time. My mom is dealing with a disc issue, constantly fasting, and always weak. For the past few years, I haven’t really felt at peace because I’m always worried about them. Missed my dad’s second surgery during COVID, and that regret ate at me. It started affecting my performance at work, and eventually I was laid off. I’ve burned through my savings since then. Now I finally have a job again and I might have to walk away from it.

I feel a mix of rage, resentment, and depression that things didn’t go the way I planned. I catch myself feeling jealous of friends whose parents are healthy and independent. It feels like they only have to worry about their own lives, while mine is constantly pulled back by things I can’t control.

I’ve been clinically diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety. I also have a smoking addiction. I feel guilty about it, especially seeing my dad’s condition, but I haven’t been able to quit. I’ve tried therapy, EFT, hypnotherapy, and even AA. Smoking feels like my only sense of freedom and stress relief, and I can’t imagine life without it.

Moving back would mean,

Starting over in a country I left 10 years ago

Being there as emotional support for my parents

Job hunting again in a place I don’t want to be

Cutting back on smoking

I feel completely paralyzed trying to decide what to do. I know I need to make a decision soon, but I can’t. Part of me wants to believe I can start over again. I feel like I'm blindfolded in a dark cave. I’m scared.

I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who has rebuilt their life from a low point, especially when there was no clear path forward.

TL;DR

33M. Got laid off last year, finally found a job but now have to move back to my home country due to my parents’ serious health issues and inability to take care of themselves. Struggling with depression, anxiety, and a smoking addiction. Feeling stuck, resentful, and paralyzed about whether to give up everything and start over again. Looking for advice from others who’ve rebuilt from rock bottom.

When I was born, my mother got married. Spent the first six years of my life believing that her husband was my father.

Then, the divorce came around five years old. My younger brother is her ex-husband's son. Divorces have custody battles. The custody battle began and I was not apart of the discussion. I never understood it, but my brother would go over to his dad on weekends. Mom told me that I wasn't allowed to go. At first, she would not tell me why. So here I am six years old being told that I cannot go to my dad's house but my brother could so confusion started kicking my ass.

Now the acting out begins. My mother became so overwhelmed with my behavior that she felt just revealing the truth to me was her last resort. As a child, I was not prepared to accept it. I just called her a liar. The entire time my brother's father who was an alcoholic kept telling me that she was lying. At the time, little did I know that manipulating me was part of his plan to hurt my mother since she walked away. After all, I wasn't his child so as long as his son was fine, it didn't matter what happened to me.

Fast forward 3 years or so later, my behavior is not improving to my mother's preference. Then she meets someone at church. On weekends, my brother goes to his dad and I end up becoming dead weight. My grandmother had migrated into the states with us. My mother wakes me up one Saturday morning and tells me that I am going to meet my father. A day that I will never forget. We hop on a plane, land in her native country, then we head to our hotel. It was a beautiful hotel with a pool centered in the middle of the lobby to a hotel that resembled the Embassy Suites inward layout. Later that evening a man arrives, we're introduced. He talks to me for 5 minutes. Then, I guess he spent the remaining time begging my mother for something. I'm sure you all can figure that part out. Now, the day comes for us to return back to the states. My mother tells me that I am not going back with her. She leaves me with some family members. I spend a year there. Saw my "father" one more time in that year. Asked him for a bike and never saw him again. My mother bought that bike out of pity. There's so much more, but I'd hate to bore anyone.

Anyway, I'm 36 now and I am just broken. I can't keep a job. I am married but that hangs in the balance everyday. My entire life I've never had someone to call a father figure. My mother is a only child. I have no grand fathers on either side. I do not have any aunts or uncles. My mother's around but I can barely find it in myself to love her the way most sons love their mom. Guys that insist that they did not have their father's in their lives but let their differences keeps them apart infuriates me. I envy people who lost their father at a young age because I'd rather have their story. I apologize I cannot go on anymore. This hurts too much. I know everyone says this doesn't define you but I insist that you walk in my shoes.

P.S.

If you're wondering, the guy that my mother met didn't stick around. That one was on me.

I just need someone to tell me how the hell do i get past this trauma

Divorced my ex, no kids, we lived in Canada. I'm originally from the US. We moved up there. I took a new career there, once we separated I got my own place, but 6 months later the company I worked with had massive corporate layoffs, so I had to look for a new job. It was a lot of change.

I got an offer for a company in the home city where I'm from, so I took the offer. moved out of Canada, and to get set up I decided to take my parents up on their offer to crash there for awhile.

They are very kind people, both retired, so they are always home...and I work from home a few days a week.

Its a good opportunity for me to take a breathe after all this change, and save....

I've been keeping busy with hobbies, work, etc. cost of living in this area is stupid high...and you get like an old beat up apt for like 2k/month or you pay 450k for an old studio in the city.

I'm thinking I should relocate to a city with a lesser cost of living.

Honestly, how long should I stay here before it starts to just eat away at me and be more stressful then its worth (even though im able to save)...?

Good evening folks. Just a quick question about an employers right to ask for a psychiatric review before employment.

Hello, I’m in the process of applying to work for a large company in Canada, physically demanding type of work. During the pre job medical check list, I checked off the “ I have experienced anxiety “ Now they are requesting a written letter from a doctor as to whether or not I’m fit for work, also they are requesting any documents from previous psychiatrist appointments. Is this legal. ?

Thanks a bunch.

I drove 290 down the centre of the fairway. Had 212 up hill, down wind onto a sloping green. I sunk the shot. My question is, does it count? Can I say I shot an albatross (-3 on a par 5)? Or do I have to add it was at a simulator? Thoughts??

Hi everyone! I’m a college student conducting a short survey for a business research class on why shopping malls are declining and how different generations view malls.

I’m especially looking for participants aged 30+ to balance my data.

The survey is completely anonymous and takes about 5–7 minutes. Please take less than 5 minutes to complete this survey if you can.

Here is the link: https://stmarys.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_1AGR3PBDJwbLz4q

Thank you so much! I really appreciate your help.

If a woman was to paint her nails which color do you like the most and which one the least ?

1. red

2. light pink

3. pastel peach

4. white