Why can't I get over that I've never had a father, uncle, grandfather, great grandfather.
When I was born, my mother got married. Spent the first six years of my life believing that her husband was my father.
Then, the divorce came around five years old. My younger brother is her ex-husband's son. Divorces have custody battles. The custody battle began and I was not apart of the discussion. I never understood it, but my brother would go over to his dad on weekends. Mom told me that I wasn't allowed to go. At first, she would not tell me why. So here I am six years old being told that I cannot go to my dad's house but my brother could so confusion started kicking my ass.
Now the acting out begins. My mother became so overwhelmed with my behavior that she felt just revealing the truth to me was her last resort. As a child, I was not prepared to accept it. I just called her a liar. The entire time my brother's father who was an alcoholic kept telling me that she was lying. At the time, little did I know that manipulating me was part of his plan to hurt my mother since she walked away. After all, I wasn't his child so as long as his son was fine, it didn't matter what happened to me.
Fast forward 3 years or so later, my behavior is not improving to my mother's preference. Then she meets someone at church. On weekends, my brother goes to his dad and I end up becoming dead weight. My grandmother had migrated into the states with us. My mother wakes me up one Saturday morning and tells me that I am going to meet my father. A day that I will never forget. We hop on a plane, land in her native country, then we head to our hotel. It was a beautiful hotel with a pool centered in the middle of the lobby to a hotel that resembled the Embassy Suites inward layout. Later that evening a man arrives, we're introduced. He talks to me for 5 minutes. Then, I guess he spent the remaining time begging my mother for something. I'm sure you all can figure that part out. Now, the day comes for us to return back to the states. My mother tells me that I am not going back with her. She leaves me with some family members. I spend a year there. Saw my "father" one more time in that year. Asked him for a bike and never saw him again. My mother bought that bike out of pity. There's so much more, but I'd hate to bore anyone.
Anyway, I'm 36 now and I am just broken. I can't keep a job. I am married but that hangs in the balance everyday. My entire life I've never had someone to call a father figure. My mother is a only child. I have no grand fathers on either side. I do not have any aunts or uncles. My mother's around but I can barely find it in myself to love her the way most sons love their mom. Guys that insist that they did not have their father's in their lives but let their differences keeps them apart infuriates me. I envy people who lost their father at a young age because I'd rather have their story. I apologize I cannot go on anymore. This hurts too much. I know everyone says this doesn't define you but I insist that you walk in my shoes.
P.S.
If you're wondering, the guy that my mother met didn't stick around. That one was on me.
I just need someone to tell me how the hell do i get past this trauma