How do I get over the situationship I had with my friend? I'm embarrassed and cringed out by the thought of it every single day and it's been literal months.
About 9ish months ago I was in a sort of situationship with my friend (we're both 16, I'm a girl, he's a guy.) I was struggling a bit mentally at the time because I was very touch starved and lacked a lot of the validation I needed because my friends did the bare fucking minimum (but that's a whole other conversation.) I thought I had a crush on him, was going insane over it for several months before coming to the conclusion I definitely didn't like him romantically and just liked the idea of a relationship and liked the physical intimacy of it. Told him all of that, he understood despite being a bit sad about it because he properly liked me and that was the end of it. Except it wasn't because quite literally every single day since then I've thought about it and it makes me want to rip my hair out. He's the total opposite of my type so I don't know how the yearning for a relationship was so bad I thought I liked HIM of all people. It cringes me out so bad. It brings me the kind of embarrassment that's overwhelming and makes you want to rip your hair out. I've not even told my best friend of 12 YEARS about it because it's that embarrassing. If he wasn't still my friend I'd be well over it by now, but because we're still close friends and we talk every day, even if it's only brief, I'm reminded of it constantly. What makes it worse is that I'm very sure he still has feelings for me. We hung out with the rest of our friend group (they know a tiny bit about what happened but have no clue about the actual scale of it and me and him made a pact to never say anything about it) the other week and to me it was blatantly obvious by how he acted and how close he stood to me that he still has lingering feelings. It doesn't put me off of him as a friend or anything at all, and it's not like he tried to make a move or anything because he's respectful and knows I don't feel the same, but it does remind me of what happened and makes it even harder to forget about. Recently it's started leaking into my DREAMS where my subconscious is apparently trying to gaslight me into thinking I like him when I definitely don't. And I swear I'm not just saying that. I've been through all the shit of trying to figure out if I actually liked him. I psychoanalysed myself so deeply I started spiralling multiple times. I came to the conclusion I didn't and I know damn well it's correct, so it's annoying my subconscious wants to backtrack on all of that.
Please can I have some advice on getting over it. It's really irritating me and I can't be dealing with it anymore. It's driving me nuts. I don't think I even WANT a relationship right now. I've made new friends after I started college (UK college just to clarify so any Americans don't get confused lol) and found myself and become more confident which erased all the issues I had that made me think I liked that guy in the first place.
Also, if you've been in or are in the same position, I get you twin. We can get over this eventually trust me 😭