r/asexuality

I cant be the only one who feels like genuinely no one understands what asexual actually means except for the asexuals themselves. First of all, the large majority of ace characters in almost any media are wildly mischaracterized (although funnily enough they aren’t even represented that much to begin with, I can only think of 3 canonically ace characters, and one of them is just a joke.) Secondly, almost no one seems to get that asexual and aromantic are two completely different things. At least once a week I get a comment from my parents about how I “don’t ever wanna get married anyways” in various contexts, despite having only told them I am asexual. (I also came out to them as gay, if I’m not romantically or sexually attracted to anyone, what do they think the gay part means?) Thirdly, genuinely confused how there are people who think that asexuals don’t exist because of dumb arguments like “well sex is just a normal thing” or something like that. Although I guess I can understand where people get that idea considering how over sexualized everything is now, it seems weird to people when something isn’t related to sex. Finally, I have had it up to here with people saying “oh, you’re just young, you’ll grow out of it” or “you just havent found the right person yet” like, why is my sexuality everyone else’s concern? That’s all I’ve got to say

First off, I am aware that asexuality IS a spectrum and I'm not about to invalidate others' experiences.

I know only one other ace person irl, and whenever I mention that I'm ace and I feel one way or have a certain experience, she goes "me too!" then proceeds to tell me how she actually had a different experience entirely. That's fine, I don't mind. The issue is that then, when she brings up something about her being ace and her experiences and I start to share mine in turn, she acts like I've just attacked her with my sex-repulsed asexuality and tells me that "it's a spectrum" in a condescending, dismissive manner. Needless to say, she's a bit problematic in a lot of other ways unrelated to this...

I feel as though she's almost trying to set the expectation that "asexual" means "probably still up for sex." I know that being ace and having sex aren't contradictory, but for me personally it is, and it's tiring to be overlooked entirely in posts about "being inclusive." Thoughts?

EDIT: wow I really worded my post awfully and did not explain the situation clearly, my bad entirely, I think I fixed it now.

I’m not even sex averse but holy fuhhhhh it’s like sex is all these people can think about. It’s legit exhausting. This shit is about to MAKE me sex averse. It’s the same shit over and over and I want them all to SHUT UP.

Got pulled into a convo with a coworker about some of their crazy, risky hookups and I just… IM SO OVER IT. IT DOESNT SOUND FUN AT ALL IT ACTUALLY SOUNDS FUCKING STUPID AND DANGEROUS. If this is what friendship consists of, having to hear about their sex life, then I’d rather just not have friends.

For context, I'm 19F and never really thought about my sexuality growing up, and never had a crush. I didn't really care for dating and having a bf/gf. Now that I'm in uni, I'm beginning to wonder if it's normal (for alloromantics and allosexuals) for a 19 year old to not actively want a relationship. I thought I could be asexual, but how would I know if I never tried sex? Though, the thought of myself doing sex things with another person kinda makes me uncomfortable. I occasionally get turned on when reading smut of a specific ship, but to imagine myself having sex is... I don't wanna imagine it.

For romantic feelings, I really don't know. I don't even know what gender(s) I like. My only romantic experiences are 1. when a guy friend said he liked me in elementary school, and while I was flattered I didn't really care; 2. when I dated(?) a guy during high school after being friends for a year, and while I really liked the guy, when he sent a dick pic (I had consented) it was... idk, not sexy at all. I don't seek out or wish for a romantic relationship, but idk if I'm missing out. I'm not opposed to holding hands/cuddling etc. I read about queerplatonic relationships and that sounded nice.

Is it too early to say that I could be asexual / not alloromantic? I know asexuality is a spectrum but having a general label could ease my mind a little.

I 26F am looking for fellow ace people to chat and be friends with.

Hi, I’m new to exploring my asexuality and have just discovered this subreddit.

I recently made a post on a different subreddit about trying to discover my sexuality. Someone messaged me asking questions, which I initially thought was just curiosity, but it gradually became more personal and invasive. When I told the person I was 19, they said they were 50+ and asked if I was okay with that. That made me feel uncomfortable, so I blocked them.

I want to be open and connect with others, but this experience has made me question how safe it is to talk about this online.

This is gonna be a bit TMI maybe so just a warning! Please treat this respectfully! If you don't wanna hear about kink and sexual desire please skip! <3

Okay there are lots of parts to this. I get horny or aroused quite frequently, but I am completely against pornography and find it repulsive, and I am scared of having 'normal' sex. Sometimes I like the idea of it, others I think its gross. Next, the kink stuff. If I WERE to ever have sex, any type of sex, it would have to be completely vanilla. However, I have several kinks that I like the idea of in my brain. I think the only way I would ever act these out is through JUST dryhumping. That's a thing I enjoy a lot, but I also feel safe because I have my clothes on and there's no skin contact.

I cant explain this as well as I want to because my feelings are so complicated. It sucks.

Yeah we’re doing all the stereotypical actions of dating with the exception of sex. I like kissing him and being kissed. I like cuddling and falling asleep in the same bed as him. I like going on dates and spending time together. I like saying “I love you” and hear it repeated back to me.

But if I say im dating him, people assume im fucking him. I hate how intertwined romance and sex is.

Hi everyone,

I’ve been thinking a lot over the past few weeks and months. Many of my friends have started families, had kids, gotten married, or begun renovating homes they recently bought. Some have even moved to new towns, though we still keep in touch. It hasn’t really affected me negatively—I’m genuinely happy for them.

When it comes to me, I’m not very into going out to clubs or dating, so it’s been kind of hard to meet new people.

About four years ago, I was in a relationship. We did have intimate moments, but mostly not from my side. After the relationship ended, I didn’t try to start anything serious again. Then COVID happened, and during that time I saw a male doctor for a routine checkup. He had nice facial features and a pleasant voice, and I found myself thinking about him for about a week, even though we never saw each other again.

That made me wonder if I might not be into women, but into men instead. At the same time, I’ve also had an interest in women—not in a sexual way, but more in terms of their character and vibe. Some people just leave a strong impression after you meet them.

What I do know is that I might be bisexual, but I’m not really that interested in the sexual aspect. What confuses me further is that I do have a fetish—specifically a foot fetish, which I know is quite common.

So I feel a bit stuck, asking myself a lot of questions. What I do know is that I would love to have someone to spend my time and life with.

I’d really appreciate any advice or thoughts you might have.

I (28f) have recently realized I’m gray ace. I had sex for the first time recently to see how it would feel and didn’t enjoy it — a few moments felt nice, but my vibrator is much better, and the rest of it was neutral to unpleasant. I’ve been working with a sex therapist as I’ve been figuring out my asexuality, and she said my experience was pretty typical even for an allo person and she thinks it’s possible that I might really enjoy sex if it was with someone I loved and trusted (vs. just a hookup, which is what I had). So I’m wondering if I should keep trying. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to tell the difference between being sex-repulsed vs. only liking sex in a particular context?

Hello everyone! I wanted to come on here and ask how you all discovered you were Asexual. Recently I have been feeling like I may be. I don’t HATE sex, nor am I repulsed by it, I just never really feel the urge to have sex. I am in a relationship and a lot of the time I’m having sex with my partner because I feel like it’s my job. For context, he is an amazing person and would NEVER push me into having sex if I didn’t want to. I usually initiate it when it’s been awhile because I feel bad that we don’t do it very often, but even during the act I don’t feel into it at all and am glad when it’s over.

This has happened in previous relationships as well, and I don’t want it to seem as though I’m being assaulted or anything because I’m definitely not, I’m doing this of my own volition because I want to please my partner, and I feel bad when it’s been a week or so. I know my current partner would NEVER want to pressure me and he never has, and if I told him I never wanted to have sex again I fully believe he would be 100% ok with that. I just feel like that isn’t fair to him, so I just do it anyways lol.

I just feel like I’m never really… turned on? I guess? I will occasionally do things to myself and that feels fine, and during sex it feels good, but I just never have the urge to start it if that makes sense.

I do love my partner, and I’m definitely NOT Aromantic (apologies if I’m getting any of these terms wrong, please correct me if so) but I just find I’m never wanting to have sex/craving it. I truly believe I could go years without having sex and be completely fine with it.

I just don’t know, and I don’t really know what to do. I know I need to talk to my partner about this, but I don’t want to do it unless I fully know what I’m talking about.

Thanks in advance :)

**EDIT** my ultimate goal is to talk to my partner about this of course. I wanted to see if anyone had experiences similar to mine and how they handled it. I’m also autistic and situations such as these can be difficult for me to navigate. :)

I think I’m asexual, and since I’m a girl I ovulate which makes me horny and I do masturbate. Does this make me not asexual?? I’m just recently thinking I am asexual so I’m trying to navigate all of this still.

I’m 18 and have been with my partner for 7 months now, in the beginning we used to have sex maybe 4 times a week but with time passing i began to be less interested in it and just wanted to hang out.

He never made me feel guilty or bad about it but i feel like it’s something that i need to understand where its coming from.

While having intercourse i do really have a great time but i normally have to be under some kind of substance to shut my mind and really allow myself to experience the situation. if i’m not under any substance i tend to inhibit myself and end up uncomfortable and not wanting it.

we are now at a point where weeks can happen without us having sex and he’s not mad or anything but i can’t bring myself to understand why does my brain work like that.

go ahead