u/Public-Experience171

Adulting is realizing that choosing an unconventional life doesn’t mean you chose the wrong one just because hard things eventually arrive.

I’m 38. I chose to marry someone 22 years older than me. And right now that means helping walk a 94 year old through the end of her life while many people my age are in completely different seasons.

And despite how heartbreaking and exhausting this experience is, I keep finding myself thinking: my love is worth it.

This season has stripped away a lot of black-and-white thinking for me. About relationships. About aging. About control. About God, the universe, meaning, suffering, all of it. I don’t fit neatly inside one definition anymore, and honestly, maybe part of growing up is accepting that life is far grayer and stranger than we were promised.

Not hopeless. Just… real.

Because choosing someone is not choosing a shiny object or a perfectly curated future. It’s choosing the person you want beside you when life becomes deeply human. When bodies fail. When grief enters the room. When plans change. When you’re exhausted and scared and still trying to love each other well through it.

And strangely, this experience has strengthened my bond with my partner more than easy times ever could.

I wish no one had to go through decline and loss like this. But adulting, at least for me, is becoming less about constantly wishing reality were different and more about learning how to fully live inside the reality that’s here.

To love anyway.
To stay anyway.
To find meaning anyway.

Adulting is realizing the people quietly holding everyone together probably should’ve been in more leadership conversations all along.

I don’t even mean that as some polished solution or absolute answer. I’m genuinely wondering it lately.

Because caregiver spaces - broadly speaking - are some of the few places where I still consistently see empathy, nuance, grace, and actual listening. People disagree without immediately trying to destroy each other.

And I think part of it is because caregiving requires you to think beyond yourself.

Not just parenting. I mean caring for aging parents, sick partners, friends in crisis, students, patients, communities, neighbors, employees, people struggling quietly around you. When you spend enough time responsible for other humans, you stop seeing life as purely ideological or theoretical.

You realize every policy, cultural fight, economic decision, and “hot take” eventually lands on an actual person trying to survive their day.

I’m not saying caregiving magically makes people good or wise. Exhaustion can harden people too. I just think people who have carried real responsibility for others often understand something important: humans are fragile as fuck, and most people are carrying more than you can see.

And honestly, this feels like the exact moment the world needs more of that energy.

One thing I wish people understood better is that hospice and palliative care are not about “giving up” on someone or speeding up death. I think the language around it scares people so much that families sometimes wait longer than they need to for support and comfort.

From what I’ve experienced, palliative care is really about helping people manage pain, symptoms, stress, fear, discomfort, and quality of life while dealing with serious illness. Hospice is more focused on comfort when a disease process seems to be winning and curative treatment is no longer helping much or is causing more suffering than benefit.

But hospice is not someone coming in and “ending” a person’s life. They are not taking actions to expedite death. In fact, people can improve and come off hospice sometimes.

A lot of what they do is honestly just human comfort care: helping with pain management, beds, bathing, supplies, wound care, emotional support, breathing comfort, education for caregivers, and helping families navigate something most of us have zero experience with until we’re suddenly in it.

I almost wish “hospice” and “palliative care” had softer names because I think many of us associate the terms with immediate death instead of what they often really are: trying to reduce suffering and preserve dignity when life gets very hard and the body is struggling.
Also- these are covered by Medicare and Medicaid, you don’t need special benefits in the US to qualify.

I’m not a medical professional, just someone in the middle of this experience who realizes now how misunderstood these terms can be.

I wanted to share a few things I’ve learned during the active dying phase with my mother-in-law because this experience is honestly something most people are not prepared for at all until they’re suddenly in it. And I’ve realized some hospice agencies are amazing at proactively educating families… and others are kind of waiting for the caregiver to know what questions to ask or what options exist.

The problem is your brain is already overwhelmed, emotional, sleep deprived, grieving, and trying to function while watching someone decline in real time. Sometimes you don’t even know what you don’t know.

A few things I wish someone had explained to me earlier: hospice can provide a hospital bed in the home at no cost. There are also relatively affordable rotating air mattresses and pressure relief options online that can really help with comfort and tailbone pain. Foam barrier dressings have helped too. The little mouth swabs dipped in water have also made a huge difference for dry mouth and comfort.

Another thing that has been hard emotionally is the eating and hydration piece. Every instinct in you wants to push food and water because feeding and nurturing someone feels so tied to love and care. But there really is a lot of hospice and scientific literature around the body naturally beginning to need less at end of life. From what I’ve read and been told, excess fluids can sometimes increase swelling and discomfort. I’ve also gone down a rabbit hole reading about ketosis during the dying process and how some researchers believe it may actually help ease pain or discomfort for the body.

I’m not a medical professional, just a human trying to help someone I love through one of the hardest and strangest experiences of my life while learning as I go. Sharing in case it helps another caregiver feel a little less lost or alone.

Our therapist pointed out something during this caregiving experience that has helped us a lot: every new stage seems to come with its own adjustment period.

And in caregiving, a lot of those changes are hard. Incontinence. Feeding changes. New smells. Loss of independence. Sleep disruption. Grief mixed into normal daily life.

We kept thinking we were supposed to handle every new transition perfectly right away, but the reality is the human brain, body, and spirit can adjust to a lot over time. That doesn’t mean it’s easy. It just means struggling during the adjustment doesn’t mean you’re failing.

Give yourself grace during those periods. Take extra care of yourself. It’s probably not going to feel smooth or “together” the whole time, and that’s ok … more than ok. This is hard, my peeps.

My poor dear mother-in-law now has Kennedy Sores which is a sign of organ failure. It’s been 4 years of mostly bed-bound and poor quality of life leading up to this. My head is swimming with a million “why”s … trying to surrender to this phase but I’m an anxious knot watching the decline. Waking up each morning and seeing if she is breathing - hospice at home is a blessing but only helps so much. How can I give in while all I see if suffering and just want to fight it?