u/Lucky_CandyGore

I'm starting to get seriously worried about my monetary status. I keep trying to buy non expensive foods, in good quantity, so I can have it last for a long time.

Issue is, I eat it in like two days. And then it's either buy more or starve. And when I run out of food. I order takeout. Even more expensive.

I'm already -200 on my bank account because of this. I must have spent hundreds this month alone. Every month, I dig into the money I need for rent and uni fees. I won't be able to afford this much longer. I've dug into my savings account. I don't know what to do.

I can't stop myself from binging. And I can't just not buy food anymore. What can I do?

I've been so depressed lately I haven't gone out. To the point I spent so long in bed it hurts to even stand.

But, this morning, I managed to get up, have a shower, and go out. I needed to pass by the post office and do a bit of shopping.

I had to take the bus for a 10 minute walk there, but I managed to walk the whole way back.

And it was painful. And now that I'm home I feel even more pathetic. I picked up a book I had ordered at the post office. I don't have the courage to read it. My whole body hurts. I feel like crying. I got scared every time I saw someone, because I didn't want anyone who knows me to see me. It was horrible.

People always tell me that going out and getting some fresh air is good for you.

But now I just feel even more pathetic. Even more useless. Even more hopeless. I just wish time would stop. So that no one could worry about me. So that I wouldn't need to eat, to drink, to have the slightest excuse to move. I wish there wasn't a tomorrow. I wish I didn't need to sleep, because it's gotten to the point where all I dream of is either something horrible, or something that makes me wish I never wake up again.

I just don't know what to do. If even the number one tip I'm always given, to just do one thing, to have a shower and go out, puts me like this... I don't think there's any hope for me anymore.

I just needed to put this out there. I have no one to whom I can even say I went out. And if I had, how could I tell them that's the effect on me? How could I ever admit I'm that far gone?

I'm dreading the future. My mum's going to come visit. She'll see what I've become. I don't want to see that look in her eyes. The annoyance. And the judgment. And the disappointment. I'm scared.

I'm not even proud of myself for going out. I don't even have that to show for it.

I've gotten to a point where I've spent so long being depressed, laying in bed, at most moving to make myself an instant meal or sit down at my desk and do more of nothing, that my back hurts. Standing up for more than five minutes is painful. I can't walk 10 minutes to my pharmacy to get my anti depressants. I think I've just spent so long rotting in my bed that all my muscles have given up. When I manage to get myself to take a shower, I struggle to stand for long enough in there. When before, I used to struggle to get in, but thoroughly enjoy my time in there, I'm not completely incapable of actually taking a shower longer than 5 minutes. It's not just my back. When I ignore the pain, and push it, my legs give out, I start panting. I can't live like this. And I don't just mean that it makes me sad, I mean that if this goes on, I won't be able to stand long enough to feed myself, or to get my meds, or anything essential like that.

I tried getting myself to work out. I set myself a goal of 10 minutes a day, and nothing more. Even set myself the condition that I'm allowed to skep as many days as I want, as long as I do at least one workout a weer. But I can't get myself to do it. It hasn't worked. Nothing I do to motivate myself works.

Has anyone been through this? How can I fix this?

I've gotten to a point where I've spent so long being depressed, laying in bed, at most moving to make myself an instant meal or sit down at my desk and do more of nothing, that my back hurts. Standing up for more than five minutes is painful. I can't walk 10 minutes to my pharmacy to get my anti depressants. I think I've just spent so long rotting in my bed that all my muscles have given up. When I manage to get myself to take a shower, I struggle to stand for long enough in there. When before, I used to struggle to get in, but thoroughly enjoy my time in there, I'm not completely incapable of actually taking a shower longer than 5 minutes. It's not just my back. When I ignore the pain, and push it, my legs give out, I start panting. I can't live like this. And I don't just mean that it makes me sad, I mean that if this goes on, I won't be able to stand long enough to feed myself, or to get my meds, or anything like that. And my ED doesn't help.

I tried getting myself to work out. I set myself a goal of 10 minutes a day, and nothing else. But I can't get myself to do it.

Has anyone been through this? How can I fix this?

I'm trying to write a novel, and deal with my essays in uni, and I can't concentrate. It's stopped me from actually getting through things and I can't just not do it like I used to, because... Well it's uni, not high school. I usually try to put something, like a show, in the background and eat while I work, and that's usually enough to actually get me working, as opposed to just being unable to try at all without. I have some anti-stress that help me not feel too overwhelmed, but it's not super effective. Still, better than nothing. But, the quality of my concentration is not great. Any advice?

Is it bad that I want the world to go through hell? Like, hentavirus to go global, or WW3...

I'm just so tired of the world right now. At this point, I want it all to go to shit. Millions would die. People I know would die. I could die. But with the state of the world right now? The politics, the inflation, the living environment... I just want it all to stop. I want something to go wrong, to end half the world. It feels inevitable for it to happen soon anyway. It probably won't be hentavirus, but WW3? I wouldn't be surprised, in a couple years, if things keep going the way they are. If the world stayed the same, or even became more primitive, I would be okay with it. But this? This in-between, knowing something is going to go wrong? Things getting worse, and worse, and worse, again and again, and that will continue like this?

I'm just so done. I wish something horrible would happen. To remind people how important it is to live. To love. And, more than anything, to just... Reset the world. It would be horrible. Everyone would be traumatised. But god, it would feel so, so much more simple than this. Politicians are corrupt, people are indoctrinated, no one is paid enough, we're being lied to, no one is brought to justice, it's all wrong. And we're just forced to watch it and tank it.

And then, I would have a purpose. Maybe I find comfort in the idea of a broken society. Where surviving is all you need. Not this. I'm supposed to get a house, a garden, a partner, a kid, make more money, get a job, get a promotion, save up to have a good retirement, don't mess around and enjoy life or you can't pay for retirement, and when you retire? What do you mean you can't do what you love? Who cares if when you retire, all your family is dead and you have Alzheimer's? You should have done what you loved when you were young! Oh, you were working? Too bad then, you wasted your youth in school, your adulthood at work, and now you'll waste your last years in some old home that doesn't have enough funding to give you good food. You should have saved more! Oh, you weren't rich enough to afford saving more? That's your problem.

It feels like the world has become abusive. Asking us to work impossible hours, to give up all our dreams and obey the rich oligarchic pedos that run the world. I just wish the abuse was physical. That feels so much more simple than what is going on now. Because now, the biggest problem the average person has in relation to politics, is gas prices going up! There are people dying in Gaza, in Iran, in Cuba, in Soudan, in Syria, in so many more countries, we're limiting the rights of our own neighbours, and all we think about is "are trans people allowed to use public restrooms? Oh, no! My gas prices went up!" And it feels so numb, like we're so saturated by our selfishness, if we went through something horrible, we'd be better people. We'd understand who the real problem is, we'd have enough empathy to understand the pain of others. Because it just feels like worse torture to watch the world as it is than it would to watch it burn.

Does that make me a bad person?

Edit: I just realised I've forgotten to take my antidepressants for almost a week now. That might explain how I feel 😅

I had a binge, and once more, I feel I can barely move. My stomach hurts and I feel nauseous even if I managed to stop over 3 hours ago. Water hasn't helped. What can I do to feel better?

Whenever I mention I'm aromantic, I have this sentence that I say: "if being aromantic is a spectrum, I fell off the other end" and I thought that was the case for the majority of aromantic people. But, on this subreddit, I've learned that is not the case.

So, if 1 is "the norm" in terms of romantic attraction, and 100 is "never has, never will and doesn't want to experience romantic attraction", where are you, and why?

I've struggled with binge eating since I was 11, so 8 years now. And since then, I've always had the same loop: binge for a long while, get motivated to become healthier, start a diet, it doesn't work, relapse. This diet used to be pretty extreme, to the point where I used to fluctuate between binge eating and, well... The opposite end of the spectrum, to avoid naming it. Slowly, I started finding a healthier way to diet. IF, using calorie counting apps, prioritising food I love over healthy food as long as I stayed within my calorie count... Still, every time, it went wrong. I got a craving, or got stressed, and relapsed. My whole life has been revolving around my weight since I was a child. And still, I binge eat.

It's gotten bad. I started uni, live alone and I'm extremely stressed out and depressed. Stopped going out, stayed in bed... I've gained a lot of weight, to the point almost 50% of my forearm, lower stomach and thighs and even breasts are covered in stretch marks. I can't walk more than 10 minutes, every time I stand up my back hurts. This has to stop.

And, I got therapy (yay! I recommend it btw, genuinely the best decision of my life). I also opted for the strategy of "forget about my weight, I'll let therapy deal with it" so I completely let myself go (hence the weight gain). I've given in to every craving without hesitation. It's been almost 8 months now. And, though it had a massive negative effect on my health, my mental health is so, so much better. I don't hate myself every time I eat anymore. I kinda just... Don't think about it. And I don't feel as ashamed as I used to.

And, best news... I recently got some vegetable cravings?? I had no idea that was a thing. On top of that, I got motivated again. I set myself four goals: 1) 1 vegetable per day. 2) 1 cup of water (not soda) per day. 3) 10 minutes of physical activity per day. And 4) draw 1 thing per day (I absolutely love drawing, but I got so depressed I haven't even been doing that). Baby steps.

The one rule I have, is that I'm only allowed to be additive in my goals. As in, I'm not allowed to say "no sugar", only "more vegetables". That way, I'm still allowed to have what i crave, as I believe that's what helped me de-evilise food, and I'll just get a craving a relapse if I don't allow it.

The problem is... I'm terrified. I got motivated randomly again, and for 8 years now, for almost half my life, getting motivated just meant being even more disappointed in myself. Trying just means failure now. And I'm stuck: I don't feel like binging on the unhealthy food I love. And I can't tell if it's because I don't feel like it, or if it's because the shame of indulging when I'm on such a good path is catching up to me. Maybe it's just that I don't feel I'm doing it right if I eat anything slightly unhealthy in abundance. But if I keep myself to healthy foods, I know for a fact I'll relapse. I don't know if you know about the science of the microbiome, but basically, cravings are also caused because your microbiome is used to eating bad food, so when you stop doing that, it starves, and demands it. Hence why adding new foods to slowly rebuild it is supposed to be an effective strategy. (Sorry if I come off arrogant or condescending or something, like I'm trying to teach you something you already know, that's really not my intention. I'm just at that point where I can't try any new strategy to get myself on track unless it has science behind it, because it just feels nothing will work unless it's proven).

The point I'm getting at, is... I don't want to eat, but I also know for a fact that by my experience, and by science, that WILL just make me relapse. And I'm just terrified of that. Because if I can't do it when every single thing is in perfect condition for it, I don't think I ever will. I'm also not even sure if I don't want to eat because I'm just not wanting it, or if it's because of shame.

What do I do? Should I force myself to eat? How can I avoid relapsing again? How can I stop being scared? Am I not hungry for my favourite foods or am I ashamed/telling myself I can't be on the right path if I indulge even a bit?

I realise it may be unclear, but what I mean is, when I click on "more insights" there's a number in green. So, say I have a post, that I posted 15 minutes ago, that got 100 views. It'll show me that I got 100 views, and in green, say "+90", for example. At first, I thought it was just because it only showed the amount of new views in the last hour, hence didn't count them all, but that is not the case, as it also happens on posts that have been posted less than an hour ago.

I know I sound insane, but... Why? Like, what's stopping me from not going in debt and never paying it back? I had no money, and paid for my shopping for a few months now. My bank account is at -400. It allows me to keep going for a while. What's stopping me from just... Living like this? Get a van, live there sedentary so I don't pay gas or rent. Those have solar panels for electricity. All you need to pay for is food and water, and a job at McDonald's can get you that. And have extra time for hobbies, for yourself.

Get a job, get a house, get a degree, have kids... What's stopping me from just... Not? From just leaving everything behind, not playing in society's rules? Hell, if I save up some money, I can get a small, cheap terrain for my van, park it there, plant some potatoes and other simple plants... And food is much less expensive.

I guess the point I'm getting at is that I'm fed up. With everything. Politics, society, expectations, everything. I'm seriously considering just giving it all up. Live at my parent's house long enough to save for a van and then fuck off out of society. It sucks, because I used to have hopes, and dreams, but some assholes with money decided to make life hell for everyone. And now I just can't even imagine a future for myself. I'm already crying myself to sleep with the pressure I currently have. At that point, if I end up with some 9-5 getting on the grind I think it might just be better to die. Like, what's the point. I'm not making it old enough to need retirement money, so why not just take it now?

I'm asking this seriously. I'm a young adult, I genuinely have no idea what's stopping me from doing this. What are they gonna do if I stay in negative numbers on my bank account? What's the worst that can happen from giving up on society? Why do people even try to get jobs, to have kids, to get a bigger house, a bigger car, a bigger garden... what's the point anymore. Have you seen the world? I don't want to spend my life miserable in some world I hate just to suffer in a retirement I can't afford. And, so what if I end up getting old enough to need retirement? What's the government gonna do, let me die? Put me in a shitty retirement home? I've lived through a shitty enough environment, what can they do to me anymore. And if I die? Good. Better to have lived well and young than to have lived old and sad.

There's this poem, I like, about Icarus. "Never regret thy fall, o, Icarus of the fearless flight, for the Greatest tragedy of them all, is never to have seen the blinding light."

And... Yeah. School was miserable. The start of adulthood is miserable. Adulthood will be miserable, being old will be miserable. "Oh, work hard to have a good retirement" yeah, great retirement, my bones are too frail to even try half the things I love and everyone around me is either a bigot or has Alzheimer's, and my whole family will be dead. How fun. Great retirement. I'd rather see the blinding light, and take the fall.

I'd rather die at 25, having lived every moment of my life. And if that's the plan, I don't see the point in giving a shit about debt, about kids or houses or fucking health for that matter.

I'm just so done. Why do we still do this? Why do we go along with this shit? Why am I so sure the one freeing plan I have is impossible? Is it bad that I'm thinking like this? Am I giving up or just adapting?