u/Icy-Vermicelli5263

I am realizing it one random afternoon.

I am a 23 year old adult woman. Freshly graduated from college. About to start a full-time job in two months. I am currently at home with my parents enjoying a short stay before I move to another city to work full-time.

I am extremely grateful for my family and friends. I am blessed with the most loving and supportive parents, especially my mom, who has made it the purpose of her life to love me and provide for me unconditionally ever since I was born. If there is one thing I know for sure, it is that she would die for me if she had to.

I have had my set of disagreements too, with both my parents over the years which has resulted in me feeling emotionally distant from them. Less from my mom, but it's still there, and I find it hard to connect with her. She knows this and still loves me the same.

I was thinking about her behaviour today and I began realizing how some of it is really odd. She is excessively intrusive about my personal life. She asks extremely personal questions in spite of me having made it clear that it makes me uncomfortable. In her head, she believes there should be no secrets between a mother and a daughter. Especially now that I am a grown up I should share everything with her. Pretty sure she means dating and sex-life-related details by that. I am not interested in talking to her about any of it.

I have always known she is somewhat controlling and unbearably caring. I say the last part because she sometimes treats me like I am still a teenager. She constantly "keep me on a watch" whenever I am at a home and monitors basically all of my activities. I don't know how to elaborate on it better, but she notices and regularly comments on things like the way I am sitting or the way I grab the lose ends of my hair to tie a bun. It sounds so normal (and maybe it is) but it happens so frequently that I am highly aware of being under her gaze...constantly. If I as much as move a muscle, she is watching me. And to remind everyone again, I am not a child. I am 23. I value my privacy a lot. I like being myself a lot. I do not need another person scrutinizing my personal space 24/7. I have lived outside my home for more than 7 years by myself. I have travelled a lot alone and I am quite independent in that regard. But every time I am home, she tries to baby me to the extent she thinks I am incapable of doing the simplest tasks by myself. It's fucking ridiculous.

More disturbing part. She thinks it's okay to touch me. It's grossing me out to write this part but she believes it's okay to touch my boobs and butt. Just casually. Like she would be walking around and try to fix a wedgie for me. She thinks it's okay for us to strip in front of each other. Like we are a bunch of girls growing up together on a summer camp and just discovering our bodies. Now I don't know what typical affectionate mother-daughter relationships look like, but if it's like this one then I am not sure I want one with her. I have struggled with my sexuality for the longest time and I have always had this growing sense of shame around my body. It takes me forever to feel comfortable enough to take off my clothes around my romantic partners. I hate seeing my body and I hate anyone seeing it or touching it in any ways that feel inappropriate to me.

I have made this very clear to her. I snap at her when she touches me like that, or in any way whatsoever. And she only giggles and says it's no big deal. That I have to stop being shy. She's only my mother. She doesn't understand that it makes me feel violated. Also I just remembered, I have early adolescent memories of her making me shower in front of her after I had started developing breasts and a sense of shame around nudity. I would tell her I wanted to shower alone and she would deny me that privacy. According to her, it was okay.

I genuinely think she believes all of this is okay. I don't know what cultural or psychological development she has had that makes her believe continuous violation of bodily privacy is normal, or that it is the way parents bond with their children. Even if in some sick, twisted world this was acceptable, at least my constant disregard for it should give her a hint that I don't appreciate any of this and if these are attempts to feel closer to me, it's clearly backfiring.

This is the first time in my life I have thought about this seriously enough to understand how deeply it bothered me. Earlier I would always brush it off as something typical or expected from her or worse, something that I couldn't live with, without consciously numbing.

I would like to add that it doesn't feel malicious or sexual, but it does feel gross and humiliating. And violative most of all. My mother has been a protective parent all my life. She taught me the good touch and bad touch behaviours. Educated me in all the right ways about sexual harrassment, even going as far as telling me to watch my back against anyone, even my dad (that's a whole different story. No he never harrassed me). This is also another reason why I could never make myself believe that she was the one making me uncomfortable, all these years.

But she makes me feel fucking uncomfortable.

I got dumped a few days ago.

It was a mixture of things. An argument that got too disrespectful, incompability, mental health issues.

It was long-distance and I was literally in their city to meet them. We met and the next day we fought. The conversation culminated in a break-up. Neither of us saw it coming, I suppose, at that exact moment. But according to them, they knew for sometime that they couldn't sustain the relationship for long. It was a fairly new relationship (2 months).

They said they wouldn't want to go no-contact and would even like to be friends someday. But I was too hurt and angry. I told them I hope they never hear from me again.

And they only said "okay."

I also know them enough to know that they won't reach out to me after I sent them emotionally hurtful texts. Also, there is a chance that they might be mad at me (sigh).

We haven't blocked each other. Yesterday I texted them asking if they were okay (mental health stuff) and they only said "yes." Didn't ask how I was doing or anything, which I found rude. I have left that text on seen.

I know I don't want to be in a relationship with them again because of how they made me feel throughout the relationship and during the breakup. And I also know missing your ex is never good enough reason to reach out to them. But I just want to talk to them so badly, I don't know what to do. I am lowkey considering if I should just be friends with them but I don't know how to approach that subject with them. Also that it might be too soon. If I receive a dismissive response, I would be heartbroken again.

Basically, I don't know how to talk to them again without putting my entire self-worth on the line.

And because of how they have been, I don't even think it's a good idea.

I know what I am supposed to do, but I guess I only need to hear it from more people. So, what should I do?

There is nothing I want more right now than to pick up my phone and talk to you. But I cannot do that anymore, can I?

You have made it all so difficult for me.

Every minute of the day I want to hold my knees to my chest and shrink into myself. I told you I wanted to stop existing and you said that's just stupid. I know. It's all stupid. Me feeling a hurriance of emotions while you go to bed undisturbed, unbothered, and unburdened by your one-word responses that you have carefully handed out to me in the last few days.

Were you always this uncaring? Was I always this delusional?

I would do anything to turn this around and you know it. But you don't want me to do anything.

You would choose the heavy silence over the pain of confronting what happened. You have caused me so much pain and hurt. You have made me feel so disgusted and deluded. Yet, all I want to do is beg you to come back. Even if it's just momentarily. I feel like I will go insane if I don't write this here. I need you to talk to me. Please. Please talk to me. I am dying to hear your voice. I miss your plain stupid laugh.

I like you so much. Please.
And I regret not saying the bigger word.

I am fresh out of a relationship.

I got broken up with 3 days ago.

I have been through heartbreaks before and I cannot say I know how to deal with them fully, but at least I know the only way out is through.

The worst part is when it hits at the most random times. Like when I am digging into a hearty meal or trying to watch my comfort show.

I was watching Orange Is the New Black today. In Season 2, there is an episode on Valentine's day. In that episode, Suzanne tells Morello, "I know a secret about people who are not smart enough to want to be loved. They don't deserve."

I cried instantly. Hot, solid tears of pure agony.

My partner told me they would never deserve the love I was trying to give them. That they would never accept my acceptance of them. I wish there was anything in the world I could do to make them believe otherwise. But I know it's not their fault.

My friends tell me they did not deserve my love and devotion. They never did anything to match my efforts. At the same time, I cannot make myself believe that there is anyone who doesn't deserve love. My love wasn't transactional. It wasn't conditional. I probably couldn't keep handing it out to them on a platter while all it did was make me bleed. But I will never believe they didn't deserve it.

Lil raccon, I know it's not your fault. I know you tried. I know you're trying your best to not hate yourself. But I wish you also knew I would have held you close and told you everything you wanted to hear. A thousand times.

My girlfriend (they go by they/them pronouns. But they preferred to be called my girlfriend) and I met online on a dating app 4 months ago. We hadn't met in person and were only taking online but in the second month we decided we wanted to date. Initially I did not want to date them before meeting irl but it just seemed right and I realised I had started liking them.

They have mental health issues which they discussed about with me and they always feared that these issues will impact our relationship. They have chronic depression and bipolar disorder. They also have ADHD.

They go through depressive episodes periodically and they have this tendency to withdraw and shut down every time it happens. It was something they always said they wanted to be better at because I never liked them going completely away everytime something like this was happening. Also, they would get immensely anxious and avoidant after our fights, which was another behaviour I didn't like. And they agreed that it was bad on their part. They also have this core belief (due to their mental health issues) that they cannot be in a relationship because they do not deserve love and acceptance from anyone.

During one of their breakdowns, they got into a whole argument with me about how they couldn't be in this relationship because they would never be able to sustain it or be a good partner to me, etc. At the time, I believed the decision was irrational and I wanted to help them out of it and I wanted to make them believe their mental health issues didn't change anything for me and basically that I wanted us to give this relationship a fair chance to bloom. They agreed and they said we would work on the rest of it and would find a way.

Nothing major happened after it. Only a few minor disagreements here and there.

We planned to meet in the second month of us dating. I planned to stay a few days in the city where they live. We were both excited to see each other and planned each of our dates.

We finally met for the first time and everything was perfect (at least according to me). I knew of their past struggles with intimacy so I didn't want to push that on them either so we naturally didn't do anything. We did talk about kissing each other a lot before meeting and in spite of their hesitations, they said they wanted to do it (on text). But we never actually did when we met. And it was fine by me genuinely. I was only happy to see them and to be able to hold their hand.

After the date was over I came back home all happy and giddy. We were supposed to meet again the second and third day. But at night at this sinking gnawing feeling like something had gone wrong or that they didn't completely enjoy their time with me. I thought I was overthinking so I tried talking to them about. At the moment, they didn't sound reassuring enough. They said something along the lines of "it's okay. We will work on it." It made me even more paranoid about how all of it was turning out.

The next day we were supposed to meet again in the afternoon.

I didn't hear from them till the evening. I was very upset and mad because I at least expected to be informed if they could not make it. I later found out it was a medical emergency in the family. I was still upset because I believe it's basic decency to inform your partner (or anyone for that matter) if you are canceling on them and not make them wait for hours before telling them. Anyway, I let go of that.

We got on a call and I straight up asked them about all the anxious thoughts I was having about our date. And they started with how they constantly felt like I was bored of their company. I told them it wasn't true and that I loved each second of being with them. Then they told me how they thought they wanted to kiss me but at some point they changed their mind and were not comfortable with the idea. I was a little disappointed but I was fine. The phone call got progressively worse.

Then they told me how touching is not their love language and how me touching them constantly made them uncomfortable. By this point, I was grossed out and feeling weirded out because the whole narrative that I had of the date in my head was being completely flipped by my partner. I mean, who would expect their partner to be uncomfortable with their touch? And it wasn't even sexual. It was just hand holding and a cheek kiss when we were saying bye to each other.

Anyway, the phone call ended with them breaking up with me. Saying that they could never be the kind of partner I expect them to be. That they knew they were not meant to be in a romantic relationship and that I forced them to be in one despite their wishes. They said they were doing it all for me but deep down they knew it was never meant for them.

Now I am drowning in all this hurt and stuck in a city with an unfinished itinerary that we both spent hours on deciding. And I don't know what to believe. Was the whole relationship a lie? Did it never mean anything to them? Were they pretending all along?

I feel extremely grossed out by the fact that I physically comfortable with someone for the first time and they did not want it (never once did they say it while we were together or I would have stopped being even physically close to them immediately). I regret ever putting faith in this relationship and their whole thing about "working on it".

I don't know if this is one of their phases of avoidance and shutting down. Because this has happened before, them believing they don't want to be in a relationship and then coming back because they know they like me.

But the thing they said this time were extremely disrespectful and disgusting. I feel disgusted by myself. And I am questioning my ability to be a good partner to anyone. Was I really so terrible that my girlfriend would dump after meeting me for the first time?

They say it has nothing to do with me. It's all their mental issues and how they perceive relationships. And if I had not stopped them from breaking up with me the last time it would not have been so ugly.

But I am too personally hurt to believe them. I do not believe that they also didn't want this relationship while right till the day before us meeting they were being the perfect most excited puppy to see me. What do I do with this duality? I feel like I am too deep in grief to see this clearly. I wish someone could offer some perspective and tell me if it was my fault or they also played some dick moves on me.