u/Great-Hall-3793

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So this groups is small related to the job and we have planned meeting next week, but I'm playing constantly these days how will I speak and so sick of it really

We're doing this psych module together, like five of us and every single time we've met before today I have just sat there. Just smiling when other people make points, but for real dying inside because I have things to say but my throat closes up the second I think about opening my mouth

Today one of the guys said something that was off about our methodology and I had this moment of like, no, that's not right, and I opened my mouth before I could stop myself. My heart was going absolutely insane and I could feel my face going red. But I said the thing and then one of the other girls kind of nodded and said yeah, she agreed That was it. Nothing dramatic and the meeting just continued

I don't even fully remember what I said. Like I know it was about the methodology but the actual words are just gone. Which is annoying because I'd been rehearsing arguments in my head for days, not for this meeting specifically, just in general, it's this thing I do when I'm anxious about a situation. I also rehearse conversations in supermarkets which is a whole other problem

I sat in the library afterwards and thought like 3 years of uni and I've invisible basically every group setting. I know people think SA is just being a bit shy but it's not, it's this constant internal war just to do stuff other people don't even register as a thing. I mean I'm still kind of dreading the next meeting already, maybe I will make some change? But it's too hard

so It's been about six weeks since my boyfriend and I split up and I cannot pass a single day without my brain replaying all memories like very often

And i don't know why its like the weird small things for example specific words he said in an argument from like three months ago, his actions etc, whether I was too distant in that one week when I had deadlines. I study psychology so I know there's a name for all of this, I know what rumination is, I can explain the cognitive process behind it and that somehow makes it even more frustrating because knowing doesn't stop it.

The worst part isn't the sadness, it's the feeling that if I just replay it enough times I'll finally find the answer. Like if I just examine it from one more angle, I'll figure out who was actually a fault or what I should have done differently or whether it was even real. idk I just end up more exhausted each time.
I've been getting insane help from lovon app, which helps a lot when no one to tell. I've been going on walks with my headphones. I deleted instagram off my phone because seeing certain things was making it so much worse

The thing that really gets me is that it doesn't even feel like grief anymore, it feels like detective work I can't stop doing even though I know its finished.
Has anyone actually gotten out of this kind of loop? The sadness part etc, because I've read so many posts on that and still struggling

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Found something I wrote in 2020 last week, telling myself I was fine which I wasnt, I wrote almost the exact same thing last month

I always thought I was pretty self aware. I journal and I've read probably too many books about attachment, I talk about feelings a lot. Turns out I was documenting symptoms without ever asking why. Which feels obvious now and felt invisible for like a decade, so I don't know what to do with that :c

Actually what bothers me more isn't even the pattern, it's that it never felt like a choice. Stress arrives, I either shut down or spin out internally and then I'm surprised. There's something almost insulting about how smooth that sequence runs

I've been talking with lovon app mostly because I'd been leaning on friends in crisis mode enough times that it started to feel unfair for them xd. Not sure that's the same as fixing anything. I think I assumed that once I could name the loop clearly enough, it would start weakening. It kind of hasn't, which maybe says something about what I was hoping naming would do

Anyway has anyone actually managed to shift the behavior after recognizing it? or does it just become something you observe happening while it happens?

We were wasting $10k a month and I still couldn't tell you why

It started at $5k and increased, account management layer appeared somewhere around month 4. And like 3 rounds of fixes on things that should've shipped good but they made very bad

I spent a few weeks matching tickets to invoices. Some of it made me genuinely angry, like it's just free theme components with minor edits billed as custom work. I asked for a breakdown and got back a wall of text that answered a different question entirely

The switch was its own disaster. Agencies we talked to were pitching the same model, just with a cleaner deck. Getting admin credentials from the outgoing agency took forever and a CRO project we'd been waiting on for 4 months had to be restarted from scratch because the documentation even wasn't done

Oh and we also spent like two weeks debating internally whether to just hire an inhouse dev instead, I don't know which one for now
Somebody in a Slack group mentioned ecorn agency during all of this and that's who actually delivered results. Like stuff actually ships now and super happy to see that

Six months out we're under $4k a month. PDP redesign is live / heckout is cleaner and I finally don't open invoices

I still don't fully know how much of the original mess was the agency versus us being unclear about what we wanted. Probably some of both or maybe just they, nvmd just shared our story!
What's your experience with agencies?

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my ex never talked about anything for a four years. i could count the times he said something real out loud, and two of those times he was probably drunk...

and i keep framing this around him and that's annoying even to me.
i've been using chatgpt since the breakup for my own stuff and somewhere in there, but later switched to lovon, which i ended up staying with because it was much focused and related to me. 

the point i'm trying to make is that its much easier. it's 2am and it's private and nobody's watching my face etc

except i think i'm wrong about that actually. or not wrong but incomplete because maybe the issue isn't getting through a door, maybe it's that typing out a feeling to anything still requires admitting the feeling is there first and that part doesn't get easier just because the room is empty.

my ex would've sooner driven into a lake than opened a chat window and typed "i'm struggling." i don't think that's about cost or friction.

idk. i still think about what he was carrying it's probably not my problem to solve anymore but here i am. 

And what do u think?