u/First_Pair_8083

I am 27 and chronically single with few close friends. I've worked my ass off to overcome a lot of academic and emotional hurdles but still feel a lot of resentment over being raised by the epitome of a helicopter parent. Last August, I finally got an NVLD diagnosis. I felt both relieved to have an answer and frustrated since a proper diagnosis earlier in life might've meant my teen years and college (particularly the latter) would have been much less isolating. NVLD has a lot of overlapping traits with high-functioning autism and ADHD but entails other challenges like spatial awareness (can't ride a bike or drive), math learning disabilities, executive functioning, and money management. Years of therapy have helped me realize that my helicopter mother did me way more harm than good by constantly ingraining in me that I was "difficult", "rude", "lazy", and impossible to get along with. This did wonders to my self-esteem which made me become avoidant since from an early age I learned that any mistake I made would be used against me.

She has a vile temper and resorted to corporal punishment quite a bit during my formative years. Although she works with people with developmental and learning disabilities, she was very harsh on me since as her oldest child and only daughter I'm an extension of her. I still resent how she has always been much more indulgent, warm, and motherly to other people than to me. My parents are immigrants which makes the dynamic different due to her ignorance about certain aspects of American culture like college experiences. I had a particularly unusual upbringing since I also had to compete with her aging, frail parents for attention. She brought them to this country basically to use them as free nannies. Since they did not speak English or have healthcare, they relied a lot on her yet I was forbidden to spend long periods with aunts and uncles since I was a "burden".

I went to an international boarding school for the last 2 years of HS which was by far the best school experience I'd had (I left public school after 7th grade because of bullying and later attending a special ed school until 10th grade). However, I spent much of that time in survival mode which pains me since I should've put myself out there more to create more meaningful friendships. It's a long story but I went home on weekends since sharing a dorm with 2 other people was overstimulating. It also was nice to get laundry done at home and I was also getting little sleep. I wish I'd beared through it more and would have found a solution like going home every other weekend so college wouldn't have been so rough. Although there was bullying and typical teen drama, I was fortunate enough to find kind, accepting peers I clicked with. The writing was on the wall regarding my anxiety, depression, and obvious neurodivergence yet most people were nicer about it.

I was forbidden from attending college anyone that would require me to take an airplane to attend as I "wasn't mature enough". She also forced me to request an all-girls dorm my first year to avoid "naked men running around" since if she were me she'd feel safer that way. That was the only thing I had in common with a random roommate from hell. I also went home every weekend (my mom later gloated that she anticipated this) since I was getting 4 hours of sleep if I was lucky. This was harmful for my grades and mental health.

Even after getting a single my second year (I had to document how my roommate's shenanigans were particularly detrimental since I also have chronic migraines, I resorted to going home every weekend since I was too lonely and bored. All the cliques were established by sophomore year. I was disillusioned since I never hit it off with anyone from the dorms or first club I tried but also worried that after a rough first semester, joining a million extracurriculars without the guarantee of friendship would doom me academically. Now I recognize that this was a maladaptive coping mechanism, but I was young, naive, and lonely. At home at least I had my parents and family dog (who sadly passed at almost 17 last October) so that was better than being on campus where I felt unwelcome and jaded by one too many rejections. If I knew I'd graduate in 2020 and lose 2 full years of my early 20s to COVID I would have put myself out there more without worrying about naysayers.

I hate confrontation or speaking up when something is bothering me due to fear of others lashing out like my mother tends to do. She has always been incredibly type A, outgoing, and popular so she would often be upset with me for not inheriting her social prowess. I am a shy person and always have been but this is partially since being criticized no matter what I do makes me fearful of disappointing others. Even when I was getting relentlessly bullied in middle and high school she'd claim it was my fault for being an easy target rather than chastise the bullies. She'd try to force me to kill certain people with kindness since on paper they were the perfect friends due to proximity rather than compatibility. I refused since with "friends" like those who needs enemies. When people she wanted me to befriend back in HS or college rejected me or weren't as nice as she thought they were, I withdrew even more. She forced me to spend a weekend at a special needs summer camp in 7th grade so I could get "socialization" and I hated it since the other kids were harder to relate to as most were more severely disabled than me.

I've done many things people thought I would never accomplish like studying abroad in college, living and working abroad after college, getting a Master's degree, and living independently. However, I still have a chip on my shoulder about my past and wish I could go back in time and change many things. I wish I could've set boundaries with difficult people like I'm still trying to do and that I wasn't treated like a failure to launch.

For context, I'm thinking of 2 individuals who were gratuitously unkind to me during vulnerable periods of my life yet have gone on to live very charmed lives. First is a mean girl from my HS who is getting married later this month. Despite her bullying and nastiness my mother wanted me to kiss her ass and give her way more chances that she deserved. On paper this person seemed like my platonic soulmate since we grew up 15 minutes apart yet only crossed paths at an international school for the last 2 years of HS. Ironically, less than 2 months before this person got engaged my mom asked if she'd gotten married as she tends to do with former acquaintances of mine. I blocked said mean girl since she was being super obnoxious and smug about her "bridal era" on social media. I'm shocked she found someone (on Hinge nonetheless) since she isn't conventionally attractive, kind, or charming.

Fast forward to college, my helicopter mom forced me to pick an all-girls dorm thinking it would be safer with no "naked men running around". This ended up being the only thing I had in common with my roommate from hell. I ended up going home every single weekend (I was forbidden from going far for college) since I was getting 4 hours of sleep thanks to her raucous phone calls in the wee hours of the morning plus the fact that she refused to adapt to US time zone. Her controlling fiance needed to know her whereabouts at all times so he'd message me whenever they fought. I blocked on FB since his commenting on my feed was too much. She demanded I bend over backwards for her because "this is your country and your culture". She was pissed at me for "snitching" when we had a meeting with our unhelpful RA. During said meeting, she lied and said I forbade her from talking to said fiance when all I was asking was no loud noise on weeknights from midnight to seven. The RA had some sort of a soft spot for her and took her side even after she violated our roommate contract. At least she ended up getting her karma since last year she was arrested in Japan for drugs. Needless to say the RA wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed let alone a good judge of character.

I spent college in survival mode and threw in the towel on making friends after never clicking with anyone from the dorms or first club I tried. Even after getting a single my second year with documentation about how harmful my roommate's deliberately inconsiderate behavior was detrimental to my grades and mental health. After a rough first semester, I worried giving extracurriculars another chance would further fuck up my grades since I've never been good at time management.

This roommate ended up being a club head and praised for her "leadership" activities. Unfortunately we ended up in a class together sophomore year but that should not have surprised me since we went to a very small school. It bothers me how everyone thought she was so sweet, innocent, and altruistic when with me she was such an entitled, self-centered, manipulative twat. Even when I went to housing to request a single and the person said "she's sweet", I put my foot down saying "no she's not. If she were so sweet I wouldn't be desperate for a single. I also withdrew socially since I was worried she'd turned people against me. I'm baffled how people like that find friends much less people willing to marry them.

I've always struggled with confrontation and it's come back to bite me particularly with roommates in the past. Years of therapy taught me that avoidance never makes things go away. It doesn't helped that I grew up with a mom who was both harsh and punitive as well as a helicopter parent. Since I was scrutinized from a young age for everything I did and made to feel I couldn't make mistakes, I just kept my mouth shut until resentment festered. I'd stupidly rant on social media and get caught since sadly it's easier to air dirty laundry to perfect strangers than be vulnerable in real life. I am currently living in a house near work. I'll be moving out in a few weeks into a new place with one roommate. My current living situation reminds me of why I disliked dorms in college due to lack of privacy and constant sensory overload. However, it was much better than the isolating, draining commute from my parents' house. One particular housemate is loud, obnoxious, and pompous. He is fond of playing video games until the wee hours of the morning. He also seems a bit sexist since he speaks to me a in condescending way he doesn't use with the male housemates. Last week I really needed to use the restroom and forgot to lock. He was trying to enter but I yelled out occupied. He nagged me to "lock next time". A few hours later I was heading to brush my teeth and he repeated "lock the door". The next evening, I was heading to take a shower and he whispered in my ear (in front of a few other housemates) "lock the door". That felt extremely invasive. The next day I sent him a message telling him his behavior made me uncomfortable as he got in my personal space. His response was extremely nasty and arrogant. He reiterated having "ZERO interest in interacting with me" (although he seemed to get a kick out of being a PITA to me), asked me to "rethink common spaces" since we live in a small house (putting words in my mouth), saying he only reminded me twice (deflecting), and said he'd show these messages to his girlfriend. The last part was childish like a kid saying he'd tell his mommy. I feel like I did the right thing since I probably would have snapped if he kept on nagging me to "lock the door". Maybe he thought it was some kind of harmless inside joke but I found it distasteful. I am upset since his unsavory reaction reminded me of past incidents where people took advantage of me due to issues with confrontation.

On Tuesday I finished my third attempt at "Calling in The One" by Katherine Woodward Thomas who sadly passed away earlier this week. My first attempt was in September 2023. I was about to turn 25 and was beginning grad school. I foolishly attempted to do all the lessons in one day. In hindsight, I had a lot on my plate so I wasn't in the right place to settle down. Last August, I tried for the second time and wasn't able to deliberately take time every day for the lessons since I'd temporarily moved back in with my parents after getting my Master's, was back at work, grieving the life I could've had after a late neurodivergent diagnosis, and my childhood dog of almost 17 years passed away. I decided to resume again in March since I moved out of my parents' house for a shorter commute and less isolation. This wasn't an easy process and I'm still doing lots of soul searching. I am trying to not rule out the apps despite not being able to catch a break on Hinge. I also am working to expand my social circles but still worry I'll never get married or have kids which is my greatest desire.

I've always struggled tremendously to make and keep friends. Having a mom who is neurotypical as them come in that she's super charming, personable, outgoing, and small talk. She's always given me grief about not being able to form at least superficial friendships with people just because they sat "next to me". I've never been able to understand how people are able to act like besties with people they've just met in the first weeks of arriving at a new place.

27 F. I am still single with few close friends. I've spent this past decade of my life working very hard to overcome significant academic, emotional, and professional hurdles but still feel like a failure. I only got diagnosed with NVLD (similar to ADHD and high-functioning autism but also entails issues managing money, riding a bike, and driving) last August at almost 27. I am trying to see the glass half full but can't stop grieving the life I could've had if I got a diagnosis 10-15 years earlier. Perhaps my teen years and college (particularly the latter) would have not been so isolating and lonely.

For the last 2 years of HS I attended an international boarding school where I dormed during the week. Although there was the typical teen drama I was fortunate enough to find kind, accepting peers I clicked with. I still had major trust issues from years of bullying that I didn't know how to get close to people and cultivate close friendships. I was betrayed by a "BFF" in 6th grade who turned our whole grade against me so I learned the hard way that if you let someone into your home and life it can backfire. I still keep in touch with a few people from the international school mainly via social media but it's harder when everyone is dispersed.

I was not allowed to go far from college (went to school 2 hours from my parents' house) and my mom forced me to request an all-girls dorm my first year. Her reasoning was that it would be safer and "nice kids" who weren't party animals. This ended up being the only thing I had in common with a roommate from hell who was loud, obnoxious, and would stay up all night with video/phone calls, doing work, or playing music. She also had an extremely controlling fiance who I had to block as he was practically stalking me. I am a light sleeper who suffers from migraines. I ended up going home every weekend as getting 4 hours of sleep was detrimental to my grades. I continued doing so after getting a single my second year since I was too lonely and bored with no one to hang out with having never clicked with anyone from the dorms or first club I tried. I was also very worried about keeping up academically and feared getting involved on campus without the guarantee of new friendships would be a waste of time as well as bad for my grades. If I knew I'd lose 2 full years of my early 20s to a pandemic I would've put myself out there more. However I did manage to study abroad my junior year which was by far the highlight.

Growing up with an overprotective mother who always forbade me from doing things because I wasn't "mature enough" and would criticize everything under the sun is a huge part of why I have low self-esteem and am hard on myself. She is the antithesis of me as she's super outgoing, charming, loves small talk, and makes "friends" everywhere she goes. She'd even try to force me to befriend certain people just because "they were there" even though we had nothing else in common other than proximity. Even now she tries to undermine my confidence. Like I'm moving to a new place with a roommate and she grilled on me whether I'm moving in with a real person, is this a scam, etc. The other day she opened mail about a retirement account which said it had a $0 balance and demanded I contact HR although the issues is that they hanged retirement companies. She always told me I was "lazy", "stubborn", "impossible to get along with" so I internalized this believing no one would ever be interested in a friendship especially when I was rejected by people she insisted were my perfect match.

I am trying to move forward and put myself out there but still worry that I'll be shunned yet again when people learn about my past. Since the media loves to depict college as a time where everyone and their mother finds lifelong friends and has a blast no matter how shy and socially awkward they are. I also am trying to find a romantic partner which is easier said than done. I wish I'd realized that is indeed much harder to make friends after college although for me it seemed impossible back then. My co-workers are much older so I'm having to build a social life outside the office. I joined a chorus back in September and although I'm not super tight with anyone yet, I'm proud of myself for persisting when back in college I would've withdrawn automatically since I was so overwhelmed. My question is how can I stop feeling behind and like the "best years" of life are gone?