r/helicopterparents

For background, I’m 16f and I have a pretty conservative family. I wasn’t really allowed to wear shorts after the age of 11 and don’t even wear them in the house. My mom has always been the strict one when it comes to clothing but now I’m honestly getting tired of this. She gets all upset when I wear anything remotely tight, or wear shorts or tanks TO BEDDD even though I have my own room and don’t wear them out of my room.

Recently, she’s started to wear shorts around the house which she’s never really done before. And she wears them all the time. They aren’t short short but above the knee.

Anyways, I was talking about how I want to buy this specific tank top because it doesn’t require me to wear a bra underneath. I’ve been wanting to buy this top for a while just for me to wear under my clothes or to bed since again, no bra needed.

She absolutely explodes when she hears this. And this isn’t new. I obviously wear tight clothes around the house still (they are just well fitting clothes that are my size but tight to her standards) because I honestly don’t really care that much that she gets mad.

The only reason I even told her about wanting to buy this tank was because I didn’t want her making a scene in the store which she does a lot too. Another thing I should mention is that she thinks that embarrassing her kids is really funny. So she’ll yell at us in front of our friends, cousins, ir really anyone in general.

I just feel like she’s being really hypocritical since she can walk around the house with shorts on, tight clothes but when I want to it’s a big deal. Another example I want to mention is leggings. I’m not allowed to wear leggings with shirts that are too small because my butt will show. She on the other hand can walk around with leggings and a short tee that is tight and it’s fine.
I really don’t know how to explain these double standards she has without her exploding. Any help would be appreciated honestly atp.

so basically im currently 20f and my best friend wants to travel to punta cana for her 21st birthday. i will be 21 once its her bday since im a few months older than her. ive never left the USA, and ive been dying to travel and i feel like punta cana is a decent place for a first out of the country experience. i know my parents, and they will NOT let me travel to a different country with just one other person. i appreciate them so so much for caring about me and just wanting to protect me, but sometimes it gets to the point where its like i cant even live my life because they wont let me go places. they wouldnt even think twice about me going to visit my bsf who lives in the city, they wont even let me go to like six flags with my cousin, the idea of me being at a mall with just one other person gets them on edge like im just gonna get murdered anywhere i go. they also think im like dumb and cant do anything on my own no matter how many times i try to prove to them im responsible. if you guys could please just help me find ways to convince them to let me do this??? ive tried convincing them countless times to do small things and it just doesnt get me anywhere and we just end up fighting. im super excited at the idea of this trip and i really really want it to happen. i appreciate and feedback, thank you in advance 🤗

HELP: I’m (19F), premed at a pretty prestigious university, and I genuinely feel like helicopter parenting has emotionally destroyed me.

I’m a rising junior now. This summer I’m working 3 part-time jobs, doing research/clinical stuff, trying to build my med school application, etc. My school is only 20 minutes from home, so this past year I had to commute because my parents didn’t trust me enough to live independently after what happened during sophomore fall.

For context: sophomore fall I got mostly As but also two Cs, and around that same time my parents found out I had a white boyfriend and had slept with him. My parents are extremely religious and traditional Asian parents, and they completely lost it. They pulled me out of school that same day, took my phone/car/everything, threatened to withdraw me from school entirely, and basically treated me like I ruined my life.

I ended up running away to my boyfriend’s parents’ house for a bit because I genuinely felt trapped. Eventually things calmed down enough for me to move back home and “make up” with them, but honestly nothing feels normal anymore.

Today things blew up again. My boyfriend had gotten frustrated at how controlling they were and said some angry things about them over text. Somehow my parents screamed at me long enough that I unlocked my phone, and they went through all of our messages. They saw conversations about us being intimate and started telling me I was “characterless,” that I had sinned, that having a boyfriend at my age meant I had no morals, etc.

They told me he was only using me because I “gave myself” to him, that I’d get pregnant and ruin my life, and that I was destroying their reputation. My mom literally said that even if I live on campus again, any time after class before I come home would just be used to “have intimate time” with my boyfriend. So now I’m terrified they’re going to force me to commute again, which honestly makes no sense.

I don’t even know how to drive because my parents never really let me become independent, which somehow makes me feel even more trapped during all of this.

At one point during an argument my mom threw a skillet pan at me. My parents also have really intense mood swings where things can feel normal for a while and then suddenly explode again out of nowhere. My mom is the only one who works and there’s a lot of tension in my house because of it, which I think makes everything worse.

The thing is, I DO want to go to med school. I care about school a lot. I worked insanely hard this semester and got all As and one B-. I’m working multiple jobs this summer and trying to build a future for myself. But I also want to be a normal 19-year-old. I want to study hard and still be able to spend time with my friends and boyfriend without feeling like I’m evil or ruining my life.

What hurts the most is that my boyfriend literally goes to the same university as me — a T20 school with an acceptance rate under 5% — and somehow my parents now talk about getting into this school like it ruined my life instead of being one of my biggest accomplishments.

There are honestly so many other things that have happened that I’m not even mentioning here, but this is what’s going on right now. I know immigrant/Asian parents sacrifice a lot for their kids, and I know they think they’re protecting me. But I constantly feel like my worth is conditional. Like I’m only lovable if I’m academically perfect and culturally “pure.”

I feel exhausted all the time. Has anyone else dealt with parents who love you but also make you feel trapped? And how do you even start becoming independent when you’ve been made to feel guilty for wanting a normal life?

I (20F) am a third year college student at a university only an hour and a half away from home. As soon as my family got life360 all he does is stalk me. I usually know when he checks my location bc he will accidentally hit one of the notification buttons like “Love ya” and stuff like that. About a year ago he told me it was because of his anxiety and he just wants to make sure I’m ok. I understand his point of view, but I am a full grown adult and would appreciate not having him constantly watching my every move. It increases my anxiety and I feel like there are places I can’t go or stay too long at. I need help figuring out a way to tell him that I need him to stop stalking me

I feel like I’m being forced to choose between my parents and the life I built at college.

I’m 19 and currently attending a university (FIU) about 4 hours away from home. My parents pay for my tuition, so financially I depend on them. Recently they’ve been getting really upset with my school and are threatening to pull me out because they think the school is “out to get me” and doesn’t have my best interests in mind.

The main issue is that during my freshman year, my advisors didn’t strongly push me to take Writing & Rhetoric 1 and 2 right away. They told me it’s recommended to take them freshman year, but not absolutely necessary. Also to mention I didn’t pass college algebra. Now I’m going into sophomore year and when I tried to register for the classes, they were full.

My parents wanted me to do a transient application at another college to take the courses over the summer and transfer them back. But my advisors told me it wasn’t necessary and that I could just take them in the fall instead. I personally don’t mind taking them later because I’m still on track overall.

What’s making things worse is that my parents are angry that I’m listening to my advisors and professors instead of them. They keep implying that I don’t respect their opinions or don’t want to listen to them, even though I’m just trying to follow the advice of the people at the university. They also keep saying they know better because they went to college too.

My mom was yelling at me over the phone about it, and now my parents are threatening to take me out of the school entirely. I’m honestly really upset because I’ve built friendships and a life here, and if they pull me out I’d basically lose all of that and have to restart somewhere else with applications and everything.

I feel stuck because technically they’re paying, so I don’t feel like I have much control over the situation. Has anyone dealt with parents trying to control college decisions because they’re funding school? How do you handle this without destroying your relationship with your parents or losing your place at school?

Hi everyone, I am looking for some advice for my situation. I am currently a 20F college student about to graduate next year, and my boyfriend is 21M. We have known each other for years now because our parents are friends. We recently started dating during college. Before this I have never really had major major disagreements with my parents. I was allowed to do pretty much whatever as long as I told them, primarily my mother, and was safe about it (which I always I am). However, once I started dating my boyfriend, I spent the night at his thinking it would be no big deal. I was met with a scolding from my mother and harassment from my younger sister. For reference, I commute a half-hour and my boyfriend lives at the dorms, so it is honestly just easier to stay at his when I have class. Eventually, I was “allowed” to spend the night at his once a week, with the condition I had to lie to my sister and sometimes my dad about where I was. I would also have to “get permission” from my mom before - because she would have to have time to create a story. My sister is very immature and my mother thought this was the right solution because my parents do not like being confrontational with my sister as she is very difficult (They often scold me for not playing into her antics). However, I hate lying and I felt that she just needed to face the truth. Even with the lying, she would still harass me about where I had been and would accuse me of lying. Then, proceeded to tell my mother. I would tell my mom about this and nothing was being done. So, I decided to stop lying. This went on for a while.

After I decided to stop lying, my parents had to be straight forward with my sister about where I was, making her even more upset. I was told I could only spend one night at his and would have to tell them that I was going to spend the night there. However, over the past few months the harassment from my sister has gotten worse and worse. Mind you, she is 18 years old and about to graduate high school and dating a 15 year old (she thinks we need to have the same rules while in relationships). My sister constantly accuses me of lying about where I am and tells me that “I need to follow the rules.” She will text me if I am not home and will make up some excuse as to why she needs to know what time I will be home. Again, I have told my mom about this and nothing has been done. To make it worse, this past week, my sister’s car got hit and my mom asked me to lie about where I was so my sister did not get more upset. 

I have told my mother, I am not very close with my father, about how the whole situation has been making me feel. I have felt stressed for the past couple of months, have had multiple mental breakdowns over it, and a decline in my overall mental health. I have tried this twice, but I am always left with my feelings invalidated and shameful.

Another thing is their attitudes toward the thought of me being intimate with my boyfriend. My sister has shamed me for potentially having sex with my boyfriend. I have told this to my mom and I am met with the same attitude. My mom says “As long as it’s not under my roof, I do not care” (We are only ever intimate at his place anyway, but we have not actually had ’sex’ yet). Unfortunately, she contradicts this statement all the time. During this past conversation, she got very defensive and said that it would be disrespectful for me to have sex at all. She also said that she knows I have already had sex with my boyfriend, which I have not. I had to “swear to God” that I did not have sex yet. She also said that her and my dad “came to an agreement” that me spending the night should not be a consistent thing. We did not get to finish our conversation and my mom went on like nothing happened. She also became defensive and angry when I told her I was still upset, but did not initiate another conversation. This past week, I was at my boyfriend’s after class and ended having another mental breakdown because of the most recent conversation. I forgot to text her and was met with angry texts about how she has to talk to me and that this is unacceptable. This text just so coincidently happened just after my sister came into the bathroom to harass me about where I was. 

My boyfriend is also getting really concerned for me. He has mentioned multiple times that when he is with my family and I, he witnesses my sister straight up "bullying me" (calling me slurs, fat-shaming me, pushing and shoving me, etc.) and my parents don't seem to care at all or do anything about it. Maybe I am so used to it that I just brush it off at this point, but he is really getting worried.

I am so stressed about the situation it is having negative physical effects as well as my performance at school and work. I have looking into moving out with my friends, but this is not feasible due to me going to college full-time, lab commitments, a clinical placement, and a part-time job while applying to grad schools. I would be working all the time to be able to make rent, and I feel this would make me feel just as miserable as I am now. I do not know how to go about dealing with this for another year.

I do not mind having to abide by some rules because I am still living with my parents, but this rule is making me still feel like I am 16 years old and in high school. I love my parents and hate arguing with them. I want to have a healthy relationship with them, but it is hard when I feel like they don’t respect that I am growing up.

I would really appreciate any advice on how I can go about this situation without negatively affecting my mental health anymore.