u/Financial_Wait_2875

Most of the time im flooded with ideas and inspiration. I have multiple creative hobbies fhag kind of just rot when im not hypomanic since my depressive episodes tend tk drag on. But all of a sudden I'm the best pianist and am just oht of practice but could get into shape if I really wanted to. But I also have an idea for a book that j NEED to get out before someone else does or before I die. Bjt j also want tk write twelve essays and starts a video essay YouTube channel purely aboht lord of thr rings. But I need to make an animation that would be soooo easy for me since im soooo good at art. But I also need tk read every classic I can get my hands on and over examine every film or ill die.

Usually these leads tk this sort of paralysis, where im trembling with the need to do something bjt im so overwhelmed rhag I can't do anything. I usually end up pacing, or starting a task only to change to another last minute. It causes me tk get reakkt angry so I end up just sitting ans staring whole rocking back and forth. And God forbid j actually do manager tk start and dk something because then j realize im not as good as I believe, because then I crash hard into a depressive state. Its so shit why can't they be useful at all?

Idk if rhis is okay to post here, so if it isn't please tell me so I can take it down.

There was this guy I was talking to online that I really liked. He was my age, super sweet and funny. We had great chemistry and he was the one who liked me first after a few months of talking. We ended up having a lot of conversations about mental health since it's a big part of my life and I dont want him tk get into something with me that hes not ready to be in. I was being super vauge about my abuse since I didnt really want to come out of the gate and say it, but he ended up asking me directly if there was something that happened to that caused my aversion to sex. I kept it vauge and said yes and that it's the reason im not interested in sex right now but hope to have it one day. He said he understood and that he was sorry. ​

He didnt text me for a day or two so I joking asked if he was disappearing on me, and he responded later that night saying he wasn't and that hes super busy with his family. He doesnt have a father figure so hes had to step up, which I find very attractive if im being honest, and I understand since I've been kn a similar situation. Then he told me he started crying while watching a movie about a woman who gets raped because it reminds him of me. He said it wasn't the rape part but the part where shes in her art room trying to paint again, and it made him cry since I love to paint and ive had ao much struggles in my life. Those were his words, and I was literally on cloud nine after reading that.

I responded tk his messages (he sent a lot) and didn't get a reply back for a few days, then he responded to one of my messages nearly ten days ago and hasn't talk to me since.

Earlier he admitted hes very sexually attracted to my personality, and rhag it's hard for him not to get turned on by me, and I told him it was okay as long as he didnt talk to me about it while he was worked up ​or try to get me to engage with him sexually, even over text since it triggers me pretty bad. He said okay and that he would just ignore his needs because it'll cause him to think about it less and not act weird.

​I know hes busy but there hasn't been a sign of him in days, and I'm starting to think I scared him off. Im so confused since we had all these serious conversations about it and he seemed so supportive and understanding. This is the first time ive gotten close to a guy so I really dont understand. I feel like im being dramatic and need tk wait, but another part of me feels like he'd text me if he really wanted to, and maybe all my baggage and truama isn't something he wants tk deal with. I understand, I dont want to deal with it either. I just wish he'd tell me. I miss him as my friend too, he always made me laugh and smile when I was talking to him, and I felt safe being open with him which I haven't been able to do for years. Im really bummed out.

When im in these states of numbness of even mixed episodes I've found im very good at pretending im happy. Its very jarring, one minute im just blank, then someone comes over and talks to me and all of a sudden im smiling and laughing and joking but im not happy??? I still feel norhing at all, not even a bkt of happy or content, still just blank. And im not even doing it on purpose, it's like I have to.

We're (me 19F him 18M) not officially 'dating' but we both have talked about how we like each other and want to get to know each other more with the goal of dating and meeting in person. We're ling distance rignt now. We have great chemistry and since we aren't face to face it's easier for me to be myself and get comfortable with him. We're both open with each other and have had a lot of serious conversations involving being in a relationship, so everything has been great.

Theres a few issues though. One is that hes super busy and I'm very free right now. He's told me he wants to talk to me but is super busy with family stuff. He and I are both the oldest siblings of our families, and don't have fathers in our lives, so I understand him stepping up to helping take care of his younger siblings and his mom. I think it's really sweet and don't mind it in the slightest, ​​​I also get super busy with it all but since my semester and work ended ive been free while he isnt. Plus when the summer comes he'll most likely be free but I'll be the one that's busy again.​ Due to some mental health issues and passed truama, the silence freaks me out if I sit with it too long. I constantly feel like he's just disappeared on me and won't come back. That he's uninterested or never was and was only using me as a joke. Sometimes I think hes secretly a stalker that's going to find and kill me and my family, though there's been reason for me to believe this. Yes I know that's pretty bad.

I usually am fine when I'm not having an episode and am just normal. I have my own hobbies and passions I love that keep me busy in a good way, but I have episodes I can sometimes be clingy, angry, or anxious/insecure. Usually im good at keeping it in, but then it's rhe inside that gets all messed up. So instead of being angry at him and talking to him about it, I tear myself apart with my thoughts. ​

I have been open with him about all of this, honestly telling him about my spells of insecurity and paranoia, about my mood disorder, and passed truama. He's been so understanding and sympathetic towards me, which means so much to me. The insecurity and mental stuff is on me, hes done all he can do by being caring and supportive towards me.

Basically, im worried my mental shit plus our busyness and physical distance might make it harder for us to be in a relationship. I want to be with him, I dont want to mess things up, and I dont want to have him suffer with my mess. Am I being ridiculous and worried for no reason?

We're (me 19F him 18M) not officially 'dating' but we both have talked about how we like each other and want to get to know each other more with the goal of dating and meeting in person. We're ling distance rignt now. We have great chemistry and since we aren't face to face it's easier for me to be myself and get comfortable with him. We're both open with each other and have had a lot of serious conversations involving being in a relationship, so everything has been great.

Theres a few issues though. One is that hes super busy and I'm very free right now. He's told me he wants to talk to me but is super busy with family stuff. He and I are both the oldest siblings of our families, and don't have fathers in our lives, so I understand him stepping up to helping take care of his younger siblings and his mom. I think it's really sweet and don't mind it in the slightest, ​​​I also get super busy with it all but since my semester and work ended ive been free while he isnt. Plus when the summer comes he'll most likely be free but I'll be the one that's busy again.​ Due to some mental health issues and passed truama, the silence freaks me out if I sit with it too long. I constantly feel like he's just disappeared on me and won't come back. That he's uninterested or never was and was only using me as a joke. Sometimes I think hes secretly a stalker that's going to find and kill me and my family, though there's been reason for me to believe this. Yes I know that's pretty bad.

I usually am fine when I'm not having an episode and am just normal. I have my own hobbies and passions I love that keep me busy in a good way, but I have episodes I can sometimes be clingy, angry, or anxious/insecure. Usually im good at keeping it in, but then it's rhe inside that gets all messed up. So instead of being angry at him and talking to him about it, I tear myself apart with my thoughts. ​

I have been open with him about all of this, honestly telling him about my spells of insecurity and paranoia, about my mood disorder, and passed truama. He's been so understanding and sympathetic towards me, which means so much to me. The insecurity and mental stuff is on me, hes done all he can do by being caring and supportive towards me.

Basically, im worried my mental shit plus our busyness and physical distance might make it harder for us to be in a relationship. Am I being ridiculous and worried for no reason?

We're (me 19F him 18M) not officially 'dating' but we both have talked about how we like each other and want to get to know each other more with the goal of dating and meeting in person. We have great chemistry and since we aren't face to face it's easier for me to be myself and get comfortable with him. We're both open with each other and have had a lot of serious conversations involving being in a relationship, so everything been great.

Theres a few issues though. One is that hes super busy and I'm very free right now. He's told me he wants to talk to me but is super busy with family stuff. He and I are both the oldest siblings of our families, and don't have fathers in our lives, so I understand hes super busy helping take care of his younger siblings and his mom. I think it's really sweet and don't mind it in the slightest, ​​​I also super busy with it all but since my semester and work ended ive been free while he isnt. Plus when the summer comes he'll most likely be free but I'll be the one that's busy again.​ Due to some mental health issues and passed truama, the silence freaks me out if I sit with it too long. I constantly feel like he's just disappeared on me and won't come back. That hes uninterested or never was and was only using me as a joke. Sometimes I think hes secretly a stalker that's going to find and kill me and my family, though there's been reason for me to believe this. Yes I know that's pretty bad.

I have been open with him about all of this, honestly telling him about my spells of insecurity and paranoia, about my mood disorder, and passed truama. He's been so understanding and sympathetic towards me, which means so much to me. The insecurity and mental stuff is on me, hes done all he can do by being caring and supportive towards me.

Basically, im worried my mental shit plus our busyness and physical distance might make it harder for us to be in a relationship. Am I being ridiculous and worried for no reason?

We're not officially 'dating' but we both have talked about how we like each other and want to get to know each other more. We get along great and I do like him a lot, the problem is that he hasn't messaged me back in days.

I joking asked if he fell in love with someone else and he assured me he didnt, but he's super busy with family stuff. He's the oldest sibling in his family, and doesnt have a dad in his life so he has to take on a lot more responsbility which keeps him busy. He used to text me almost everyday, but says hes much more busy now. The periods of silence keep getting longer and longer. I understand it's the end of the school year so things are more busy, and I understand the older sibling thing since im in Basically the same situation. When he does text me everything is back to normal and it doesnt seem forced or suspicious, we have great chemistry and we both really enjoy talking to each other. I should mention we're both young, hes graduating high-school this year and I just finished my first year of college, so I can imagine senior ​activities would take up a lot of time. I didnt get my senior year so I'm not fully sure. Whenever ge stays home from school hes texting me, and when we text it's usually for hours.

Anyways, every thing I see online talk about how if he wanted to talk to me he'd make time for it, ​​but as someone who also has to take care of their younger siblings I understand how busy and draining it is. But maybe im justifying it because I want to be in a relationship with him so bad lol. I should mention ive never been in any sort of relationship, so i don't know how any of this should work. And I'm not foaming at the mouth deaperate for him, but I don't want to walk away if I dont need to or shouldn't.

As more experienced people what would you say i should do?

I had to do something this morning and as I get closer to home I see a pink tutu in a bushes. It wad like automatically all my joy was stolen and all I can imagine is a little girl in those bushes. I obsessively believed I needed to go back and check to make sure there wasn't actually a kid there and started to cry. I ended up doing a full circle just to drive by slower, and in this little clearing was a bunch of random stuff like fruiature and trash. I was driving by so slowly, peopled started swerving around me but I needed to check. When I got to the pink tutu there was another small clearing and I swear I saw a man just standing there watching my car go by. I didnt see anyone else but now I can't stop thinking I need to go back and search again. I feel so sick.

I like my loud music when hypo, but sometimes sound irritate me so bad it's like a physical pain that fills me with rage, as if my senses are magnified by 100%. Chewing and breathing i dont like normally, but when im hypo i get so fuckjng angry. Clapping, laughing, talking, footsteps, water running, music, video game sound affects. Not everhtime but sometimes I just get so angry and stressed and have to step outside or plug my ears. I also twitch and itch a lot and hate being touched by anything. It doesnt last forever but it's like sensory over drive. ​​

I recently just started having repressed memories come back to me in my adulthood, as well as realizing a lot of things I did as a kid are huge, huge red flags. A lot of my childhood is blacked out and I struggle with a lot of my memories even in the present time, but I know something happened to me.

I dont know who or when or or where or for how long, but I do suspect it was the biological father for multiple reasons. Im trying to remember and uncover what I can without hurting myself, which is proving difficult. Sometimes I'll see/hear/smell something that triggers a memory, but I have no evidence. My biological father is a bad man, but I don't want to blame him for something as awful as csa if he didnt do it.

Anyways, the other day my little brother was making some jokes, your usual little kid potty jokes, and said something aboht 'farty dad'. My sister who is a lot closer in my age and remembers more about how our dad used to be started laughing really hard and asked me if I remember what our dad said. I said no, and she asked if I remembered how he used to say a lot of weird things and when she thinks of them she doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. She said it in a joking way but got this weird feeling in my chest because I do remember him making oddly sexual comments towards us when we were younger teens, but not remembering anything in our childhood. I asked her if she could tell me and she said she didnt want to repeat it especially in front of our little brother, so I asked her to text it to me. She said no and never mind because it's weird.

She never told me what he said and its bothering me a lot. I want to ask her what he said without sounding like a creep. She told me this a day or two ago so I don't want to sound weird randomly bringing it up again, and dont want to blame him for something that didnt happen. She says she remembers everything that happened when we were kids, so I want to know if she remembers things that she doesn't realize is evidence of my sexual abuse. Does anyone have any advice? I dont want to scare her or bring her into this if I dont have to, but i want to know if it'll help me know the truth.

My abuser got hired to be a security officer at mh college. I work here, live here, and obviously go to school here. He'll now have access to all security cameras across campus, all apartments via keys including mine wirh an excuse to be in them, the power to give me tickets, and who I interact with socially, and the job I am trying to work towards for after college. ​

Not to mention I believe I have bipolar 2 disorder which is completely fucking up every aspect of my life including social, work, financial, home/family and fucking school life. But Im so fucking poor I can't afford any therapy or diagnosis. I have no proof of what hes done, and no one else knows but him and I. Im SO EXCITED for him to tell everyone he's my dad and try to hug me in public and be all close and affectionate towards me then punish me when I push back. I fucking hate my life.

I am not an angry person, never really have been until my symptoms of bipolar started manifesting. Now, when im in a hypo manic episode or rarely jn a depressive episode I get so angry so quick, and I stay angry. To the point where I start shaking and get physically nauseous, losing all rationality.

Sometimes I will genuinely hate the people around me and will become the nastiest person I know. I'll start being passive aggressive towards the people I love and will complain about them as if they are the worst people alive.

My main 'victim' is my mother who does irritate me when im normal, but I love her very much and am able to get passed it. When im having these phases of anger I genuinely cannot stand being in the same room as her.

Now, she doesn't believe I have something wrong wirh me mentally because she believes its caused by demons or by me saying I have one. Like manifestation stuff (I know, sounds fun). I can't afford a diagnosis rn due to no insurance and no money, and I'm not sure that would convince her anyway.

All that to say, I dont know what to do. She doesn't deserve how mean I am and how I think about her when im like that, nor does anyone else. Is there anyway you guys learned how to manage it without medication or therapy? I know I'm probably grasping at straws but this is the situation im in right now. ​

Read this not the title. ​

I used to have a habitual that was a result of trauma. It used to be an everyday thing where I couldn't stop. God has been walking me through healing which has caused me to break free from that sin, only falling occasionally, which is a huge step for me.

This passed week I've been on a fast, not for myself but to pray for my family and for some children I am going to be taking care of over the summer. I've been staying loyal to my fast easily, praying and taking communion through it, but all of a sudden that sin has come back full force since I started my fast. I know it's likely an attack from the enemy that j need to overcome, but I am worried since the point of my fast is to pray for others that my sin will somehow affect them. Let me clarify, I'm not a danger to the kids or to anyone else, I mean affect them spiritually.

That's why im so conflicted over this. Part of me feels like I should stop and focus on my healing since that's the season God is bringing me through, but another part of me thinks I should tough it out.

Any advice?

Edit: the sin us kind of complicated. Its a sin I've been struggling wirh all my life, and one I've been trying tk get rid of in every way imaginable including passed fasts. But through this new season God has revealed to me that the sin comes from something awful that was done to me when I was little, which is why im not able to get rid of it since im essentially attacking the fruits and not the roots, if that makes sense. So God has been healing me slowly and rhe sin has started to lessen more and more until I started this fast, which makes me wonder if I'm pushing myself to do something when God is asking me to sit down and let Him do something, if that makes sense. 

I genuinely don't understand how they can talk so much without saying anything. Making useless comments that aren't funny or helpful. When they walk into a room they have to immediately just start talking. Like bro shut the fuck up already until you actually have something to say. And im not talking about them talking about things they like or are interested in, but just useless things.

I finish my college before my siblings finish their school year, so I have like two or three precious weeks where during the morning I have the house to myself. Its only for a few hours so j really, really value that time. Bjt my mom comes home on these pointless breaks where she just walks home then back to work. This wouldn't bother me if she didn't talk the. Entire. Time. I'm not kidding. "Omg it's so cold outside!" "Whag should I eat?" "Wow you're soooooooo quiet!" "Look at you, relaxing at home, enjoying your quiet!" "Did you see the weather for the nexg thrity fucking days? Oh yoh didnt? That's okay ill waste your time telling bout it!!" "Are you going to pick up the kids today?" ​​​No mom im not going to pick up the kids like I do every fuckkng day, im going to make them walk on the highway home.

Why does she do this? She never fucking stops??? Its tk the point where I dont like being around her. She also chews wirh her fucking mouth open ALL THE TIME and gets all butt I tell her to stop. Fucking hell why can't people just be quiet and enjoy the silence????

"Oh just enjoy your quiet and pretend im not here" she says as she slams the fuckjnb pots around and asks me twenty times in different fucking voices and accents what she should eat and informs me about how many calories each thjng has. Bro I do not give a flying fuck why are you still flapping your jaws????

She's not even doing it on purpose either. I dknt think she even realizes how damn annoying she is. And when I tell her nicely she just goes "hahaha too bad!" Thinking it's some joke. GOD I hate being here but the economy wants me to sell my fucijng organs to afford an apartment. ​

Everybody does this but she's the worst at it. I'm so fuckjbg tired

Hello, I am a Christian. I was raised mostly Pentecostal, but am curious about the other branches of Christianity. I know very little about orthodox except that you all also believe that Jesus is the son of God and that he died for our sins, which makes me curious about the other aspects.

Mainly what differs between us. From what little research I've done I've seen that you pray to the saints like the Catholics, that you believe in the gifts of the spirit but it's more quiet and private than public, unlike the catholic dont follow the rulings of the pope but function individually, and you have more 'strict' (i don't think that's the right word) roles in the church. I thought it might be more informative to ask people who actually live this walk rather than an article written by someone who's never been orthodox. Forgive me if I said something ignorant, im only curious.

Edit: I realize 'the difference' might be hard to answer if you've never been Pentecostal, so just answering what you believe would be helpful

I work, live, and go to school all on my college campus. For a while hes lived far away but now hes suddenly VERY interterested in a security job THIRTY FUCKING MINUTES AWAY FROM HIS HOUSE that just so happens to be at my work place, school place and where I fucking live. He'll gave keys to all the apartments including mine, access to all the security cameras including the ones at around my apartment, in my work, in the class buildings, and he'll be around the people I work and go to school with. There's a job on campus I'm trying to get my way into for when I graduate, but now he'll be around telling everyone hes my dad and acting all wounded because I hate his fucking guts. I'm not messy and I dont want to cause drama so im jot going to tell people who he is. Plus I doubt they'll even fucking care and would want me to firghbe him since he's 'good' now. He's still a peice of shit even if he isn't an abuser anymore. I dont know what to do. My friends and family keep telling me I can't just 'run away from my problems' and that I need to just deal with it. They dont know the extent of his abuse but they know enough to have skme empathy if they weren't selfish stupid assholes. I dont know whag to do hes going tk be everwhere. ​

After my abuse I used to play pretend and imagine my stuffed animals raping me. Its a core memory I have, one of the only ones. It was always my favorite stuffed animals some of them I still have and sleep with.

I know it's dumb but even now when I think about it I feel so guilty. I hurt the only things that gave me comfort. I did the same things to them that ruined me​. Whenever I remember I get sick.

One of them was a pink stuffed horse and I loved him so much. I actually remember hiding him in the closet the first tkme and eventually getting rid of him because I felt so guilty. I want him back. I want to apologize and treat him better. I want to be a normal kid again. I wonder if he ever understood why I did what I did. I wonder if he ever forgave me when he was thrown into some landfill.

My abuser and mother divorce a few years ago while im an adult. I still live with my mom and my abuser comes to pick up my younger siblings for custody time. He doesn't abuse them, I've made sure of it.

when hes here he likes to tour our small apartment despite myself and my mother telling him to stay out of the bedrooms. My mom is a pushover and feels bad for him since he ruined his own fucking life, so she doesn't keep her boundaries. He goes in our rooms and in the bathrooms a lot. Whenever he goes into my room I tell him to get out.

He's here right now in one of the bathrooms, and hes been in there for 10 minutes. I'm shaking and on the verge of tears because I can't help but think hes putting up cameras or already has cameras in there.

How do I check for cameras? Of this is ridiculous how do I stop myself from being so paranoid? I'm about to puke

This is long as shit. TL;DR basically I get a guy that I really got along with, but feel like I ruined my chances because I didn't tell him about my csa so now he thinks I just don't like him and that's why I'm so resistant to everything.

I met this guy online, he was randomly adding people on discord because he was bored. At first I thought he was annoying since he would text me every time he was bored, but then as we talked more and more I started to realize he's really funny and actually deep. Plus, he thought I was a guy so it was easy to talk to him since I didn't correct him, and I wasn't worried he would try to come onto me. We joked a lot and would talk about serious things, and it turned out he also came from a broken home, so we were able to understand each other.

I eventually told him I was a girl, which he thought was hilarious and joked about blocking me since he 'shared too many secrets with the enemy' but then we went back into routine of just talking. We talked basically every day for hours about the most random stuff. I told him a bit about my bad mental health since I believe in bipolar but too poor to get diagnosed or treated, and he seemed genuinely interested. He would ask questions and I would answer them, then at the end he'd tell me it's sounds hard what I'm going through and that he's sorry for me.

Usually when I have bad episodes I go mia so I warned him about that, and he told me it's okay but he still wants to talk with me even if I'm having an episode. I ended up starting to have one mid conversation, and told him I'd have to leave since I didn't want to say something mean or that I'd regret later, but he kept joking with me which made me stay, and surprisingly helped me through an episode.

We joked back and forth a lot, some sex jokes too, and at one point he kept joking about me turning him on. Usually I was fine with it but every now and then I'd get triggered and have to leave. I think he noticed because he asked me if it was okay for him to make those jokes. I very vaugly explained that I didn't like it too much since I'm a Christian (weak ass excuse tbh) to which he said okay and apologized, and we went back to our normal talking.

Then the conversations got shorter and suddenly he wasn't answering at all. It was only three days but it made me feel terrified and upset. When he finally got back to me he said he was trying to distance himself from me because he genuinely had feelings for me and wanted them to go away since he thought I wasn't okay with it, but that his feelings didn't end and he still really liked me. I told him it was okay that he liked me and that I wasn't mad at him, but then he asked me how I feel about him.

I'm terrified of relationships. I've never been in one and sometimes hate the idea of it. I think it's a mix of my csa truama and bipolar. I told him I liked him and would like to try to be in a relationship, but that I'm not willing to have sex outside of marriage if we ever get to that point. He said he's okay with that but that he doesn't think he'll be able to not get turned on by me, to which I told him it was okay to be attracted to me as long as he doesn't try to make a move on me. He asked again how I felt about him since he really really likes me and doesn't want to have a casual relationship, hes the type to date to marry, and that he wants us to be committed to each other.

None of this is a problem with me, I want to date to marry. But I don't want to be vulnerable, I don't want to be wanted, I don't want to give my heart to someone who could seriously hurt me like I was hurt. So I was very resistant to the idea of loving him and I think I worded it in a way that I wanted a casual fling and not something serious, though that's not what I meant.

I'm anxious, I'm paranoid to the point where I will randomly feel like he's lying to me and is out to get me, then I desperately want to be with him. He's the first man I'm genuinely able to enjoy talking to, and it being online makes it so much easier since I don't feel scared being too physically close.

I haven't told him about the csa because I haven't told anyone about it. I'm scared to tell him, and I feel like I've ruined my chances with him because I won't tell him. He's so sweet and thoughtful and funny and I fucked everything up. It's all my fault. But I also feel like maybe I'm stupid and this is all a scam or a plot to hurt me again even though there's no rational reason for me to think that. I'm miserable.